The Little Boy With the Big Eyes and the Soft Black Hair
I stayed up until 3am last night reading the TLJ novelization and the lack of sleep and all the feels have left me crazy emotional. And I don’t know how to process all of this. Especially all the young Ben Solo stuff.
Why are they doing this to us? At this point, it seems DELIBERATE.
Out of ALL the passages in the First Shot novel (which is about Han and Lando, not Han and Leia), which passage do they chose as a sneak peek on the Star Wars website? Baby Ben.
And not just any mundane, non-relevant passage, but a passage about his restlessness and Han’s sincere desire to comfort the boy, whom he obviously adored, and how Han knew Ben was an old soul by the way he looked at him with those big, yet ancient eyes.
And then the Unca Wanwo thing…
And then the TLJ novel comes out and they bombard us with MORE baby Ben flashbacks and how Leia loved him from the moment she felt his heart beat inside of her (as a mother this actually made me weep when I read it) and how he PROMISED he was going to be just like his daddy when he grew up and how after the darkness started to take him in adolecence, he felt so afraid and alone…
So here’s what they’ve done to me.
They have made me fall deeply in love with a character from the time before he was even born, then made me watch from afar as he grew - giving me details about his little hands and his little feet and his big pretty, soulful eyes and his soft black hair and the sweet way he talked, and how he cried, but was soothed when his daddy held him.
Then made me watch helpless as they insinuated the horror of the manipulation by his abuser when he still so innocent and young, and in turn, was sent away by the two people he actually needed the most.
Then made me watch as his own uncle, his teacher and mentor, contemplated ending his life, and showed me the shock and confusion and sudden realization of betrayal in those same big brown eyes.
Then made me watch as he turned fully to the dark side, desperately trying to find a sense of belonging or some meaning to his life - desperately trying to make someone — ANYONE pleased or proud of him.
Then made me watch as he found a connection with someone. Finally. FINALLY! Someone who might be able to stop the ache of loneliness and abandonment and betrayal that he has suffered for so long.
Then made we watch as she had to leave him because he didn’t know what to say, and he screwed it up because he’s never had anyone show him how to act or what to say when you care about someone that deeply.
Please tell me there will be redemption and peace for this tortured and broken boy in the arms of the girl who loves him despite his flaws.
Please tell me she’ll wait.
Please tell me he will find balance and belonging and the love and companionship he desperately craves.
They can’t take him away from us, right?
My heart would break beyond repair…