All About Abuse @allaboutabuse - Tumblr Blog

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Please I need help... my boyfriend of 4 years forced his fist in my vagina last night.. we never discussed it and we never worked up to it... he just DID it. I told him it hurt and how rough he was but I never actually told him to stop.. he keeps saying "you could have told me to stop" I feel like he's right.... was this rape?

I’m sorry that happened to you. If anything is put inside of you without your consent, like what happened here, it meets the legal definition of rape, as well as being (of course) wrong for him to have violated your trust like that.

What happens next is up to you, but you are right to call it rape if that is something that will help you in moving forward.

#Anonymous

bananapeppers

I searched for other relationship green flags/red flags images. these are from Family Violence Prevention Project’s “End Abuse, Embrace Hope” campaign (2004–?) in partnership with YWCA Greater Cincinnati and Equality Cincinnati (LGBTQ materials).

there are problems here, too. for examples: healthy relationships after abusive relationships can be difficult, but labeling “abuse in family history” as an “unhealthy relationship red flag” (middle image) stigmatizes abuse victims and suggests that a history of victimization leads to a future of victimizing others—some people who have been abused in previous relationships go on to abuse others, but this is not generalizable to people who have been abused in previous relationships. (I just read an analysis of literature regarding intergenerational continuity of child abuse and found this interesting: “In fact, nearly all studies on the subject agree that most parents who experienced maltreatment will not abuse or neglect their own children. […] Even when intergenerational patterns are found, the adults who experienced maltreatment in one generation are not necessarily perpetrators in the next. In other words, the children of parents who experienced childhood maltreatment may be at increased risk of being maltreated either by that parent or by another caregiver.” [Child Welfare Information Gateway 2016]) “Have previous contact with the justice system” (middle image) identifies policing and criminalization of the significant other, and agnostic or regardless of charge(s), as a relationship red flag. the text is small and may be difficult to read.

the “End Abuse, Embrace Hope” lists aren’t “better” than the “relationship green flags” list (possibly by Sharon Peykar?) that includes “spirituality”. I do think the above lists and other lists like them do some things better: they describe practices (what does “Honors boundaries” mean in action?), and they include interactions (e.g. “Solve problems with you”, “Make family and money decisions together with you”). “Self-sufficiency” and “Practices self-care” might describe the person in relationship with themselves (and general independence from larger social organisms isn’t realistic—let’s acknowledge human interdependence), but what is the person like in relationships with others? what are they like in the specific interpersonal relationship in question and in interpersonal relationships of the same type (e.g. how has a significant other treated other past or present significant others of theirs)?

Child Welfare Information Gateway, “Intergenerational Patterns of Child Maltreatment: What the Evidence Shows” (Washington, DC: US Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau, 2016), 3, https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/issue-briefs/intergenerational/.

prideprejudce

here’s a hard pill to swallow: abuse does not just exclusively occur in romantic or family relationships. friends can be just as toxic to your physical and mental wellbeing as a partner or a family member. also, the aftermath of being in an abusive friendship can be just as traumatizing as any other abusive relationship. don’t boo me i’m right

prideprejudce

for some reason people don't know this but toxic friends can mirror all the same behaviors as seen in an abusive romantic partner. i will use my own story of my ex-high school best friend who abused me for several years. signs of abuse include but are not limited to:

Humiliating or embarrassing you - my ex-best friend LOVED to try and make me squirm in any way possible to see my reaction. once she went up to a guy and told him i had a crush on him to watch me struggle to explain myself

Unreasonable jealousy - if i so much as went to hang out with any of my other friends i would have to let my ex-best friend know beforehand. i pretty much had to get her permission to see other people or she would be convinced that i was ‘ditching her forever’

Refusing to communicate - if she was ever angry with me or upset she would never tell me that so we could talk about it. instead, she would ignore me or respond to all my texts with ‘k’ or ‘ya’ and i would have to struggle for hours to get her to tell me what was wrong

Ignoring or excluding you - she would ignore me for weeks at a time as a ‘punishment’ knowing that it would eat me up inside wondering what i did wrong. i still remember spending nights wide awake crying in bed because i didn’t know what to do

Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you - she would constantly poke fun at my appearance and personality to where my self-confidence plummeted. god help me if i ever said anything about her though

Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.” - she would constantly threaten to kill herself if i didn't do what she wanted

Guilt trips - she never apologized once to me in our seven-plus years of being friends. not once. every time we argued i would be the one who apologized in the end. once when i stood up to her and called her out on treating me like crap she would make up a story of how her life was miserable and that i was making things worse

Isolating you from friends and family - been mentioned before but she was extremely jealous of all my other relationships and would override my plans with other people on purpose and would guilt trip me if i still went to see them

Domination and control - also mentioned before but i needed her permission on everything. if i joined any group or extracurricular activity without her knowing she would be furious

Extreme moodiness - after ignoring me for weeks she would contact me out of the blue and act as if nothing happened. she would also refuse to talk about why she ignored me for so long and did not care if my mental health suffered from it

anyway, abusive friendships need to be acknowledged more than they are because they are not only extremely common but also very damaging to someone’s mental health. i personally had to go through years of therapy to unlearn the guilt and self-hatred that my ex-friend helped instill in me. stay safe yall

cannibal-rainbow

lavendersisterhood-deactivated2

If you've experienced gaslighting or this is your first time learning about it, you need to read this. This abuse is hard to heal from, but you're not alone, and this little-known info can help.

There Are Distinct Stages

A gaslighter doesn’t simply need to be right. They also need for you to believe that they are right.

In stage one,

you know that they’re being ridiculous, but you argue anyways.

You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate – your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world.

You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval.

In stage one, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate.

In stage two,

you consider your gaslighter’s point of view first and try desperately to get them to see your point of view as well.

You continue to engage because you’re afraid of what their perspective of you says about you.

Winning the argument now has one objective : proving that you’re still good, kind, and worthwhile.

In stage three,

when you’re hurt, you first ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

You consider their point of view as normal. You start to lose your ability to make your own judgements. You become consumed with understanding them and seeing their perspective. You live with and obsess over every criticism, trying to solve it.

Looking back, I see that I was deep in stage two when I left the relationship. However, I continued to try to have a friendship with him for months after. I longed for resolution, understanding, and forgiveness.

And when I finally went no contact, instead of healing, I actually moved into stage three. I didn’t understand, nor did I know how to solve, the gaslighting that I continued to do to myself after the relationship was over.

If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice, it’d be to go no contact immediately for at least a year. And maybe that’s what other might need, too.

It’s really, really hard. It’s hard because it may still feel like that understanding and resolution is right around the corner. It’s hard to let go of that.

But think: You don’t have to yet. Just commit to a year. Because anyone who isn’t abusive won’t punish you for the space you need to heal.

And when I say “no contact,” I mean complete no contact.

Distance yourself from mutual friends.

Block your gaslighter on social media.

Ask your friends not to give you any new information about them unless it directly pertains to your safety.

Fuck anyone who says you are being unreasonable.

You need this to heal, and you need the space to learn how to stop gaslighting yourself.

merrybitchmas91-deactivated2019

Why "doing something relaxing” does not help your anxiety

A lot of the time when people give advice intended to relieve anxiety, they suggest doing “relaxing” things like drawing, painting, knitting, taking a bubble bath, coloring in one of those zen coloring books, or watching glitter settle to the bottom of a jar.

This advice is always well-intentioned, and I’m not here to diss people who either give it or who benefit from it. But it has never, ever done shit for me, and this is because it goes about resolving anxiety in the completely wrong way.

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when suffering from anxiety is to do a “relaxing” thing that just enables your mind to dwell and obsess more on the thing that’s bothering you. You need to ESCAPE from the dwelling and the obsession in order to experience relief.

You can drive to a quiet farm, drive to the beach, drive to a park, or anywhere else, but as someone who has tried it all many, many times, trust me–it’s a waste of gas. You will just end up still sad and stressed, only with sand on your butt. You can’t physically escape your sadness. Your sadness is inside of you. To escape, you need to give your brain something to play with for a while until you can approach the issue with a healthier frame of mind.

People who have anxiety do not need more time to contemplate, because we will use it to contemplate how much we suck.

In fact, you could say that’s what anxiety is–hyper-contemplating. When we let our minds run free, they run straight into the thorn bushes. Our minds are already running, and they need to be controlled. They need to be given something to do, or they’ll destroy everything, just like an overactive husky dog ripping up all the furniture.

Therefore, I present to you:

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN ANXIOUS

–Go on a walk

–Watch a sunset, watch fish in an aquarium, watch glitter, etc.

–Go anywhere where the main activity is sitting and watching

–Draw, color, do anything that occupies the hands and not the mind

–Do yoga, jog, go fishing, or anything that lets you mentally drift

–Do literally ANYTHING that gives you great amounts of mental space to obsess and dwell on things.

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHEN ANXIOUS:

–Do a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, or any other mind teaser game. Crosswords are the best.

–Write something. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. Write the Top 10 Best Restaurants in My City. Rank celebrities according to Best Smile. Write some dumb Legolas fanfiction and rip it up when you’re done. It’s not for publication, it’s a relief exercise that only you will see.

–Read something, watch TV, or watch a movie–as long as it’s engrossing. Don’t watch anything which you can run as background noise (like, off the top of my head, Say Yes to The Dress.) As weird as it seems, American Horror Story actually helps me a lot, because it sucks me in.

–Masturbate. Yes, I’m serious. Your mind has to concentrate on the mini-movie it’s running. It can’t run Sexy Titillating Things and All The Things That are Bothering Me at the same time. (…I hope. If it can, then…ignore this one.)

–Do math problems—literally, google “algebra problems worksheet” and solve them. If you haven’t done math since 7th grade this will really help you. I don’t mean with math, I mean with the anxiety.

–Play a game or a sport with someone that requires great mental concentration. Working with 5 people to get a ball over a net is a challenge which will require your brain to turn off the Sadness Channel.

–Play a video game, as long as it’s not something like candy crush or Tetris that’s mindless.

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO DURING PANIC ATTACKS ESPECIALLY:

–List the capitals of all the U.S. states

–List the capitals of all the European countries

–List all the shapes you can see. Or all the colors.

–List all the blonde celebrities you can think of.

–Pull up a random block of text and count all the As in it, or Es or whatever.

Now obviously, I am not a doctor. I am just an anxious person who has tried almost everything to help myself. I’ve finally realized that the stuff people recommend never works because this is a disorder that thrives on free time and free mental space. When I do the stuff I listed above, I can breathe again. And I hope it helps someone here too.

(Now this shouldn’t have to be said but if the “do nots” work for you then by all means do them. They’ve just never worked for me.)

lovelyplot

This would’ve been great an hour ago

midnightstarlightwrites-deactiv

This is so so true! When I was younger and suffering anxiety attacks, I used distraction techniques as I liked to call them. I’d watch tv shows, read a book, write something or play a game. Something that distracted my mind.

Sometimes it takes a while for it to work so don’t give up on distraction right away. Keep doing it! My mind eventually trained itself into recognising sitcoms as a “calm down” thing, so it became easier to distract myself with them the longer I did it.

youarewhoyouuare

In my experience doing the ‘relaxing’ things work for depression, indeed not anxiety. But now I have ideas to do when I have my next panic attack, thanks!

biwomensupport

shoutout to sapphic survivors abused by women. your experiences are real. your feelings are valid. we believe you, we believe in you, and you are not alone.

embercrystal

How to know if someone is gaslighting you…

something is “off” about your partner and you can’t quite explain or pinpoint why.

you frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.

You feel confused and disorientated.

You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.

You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.

You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.

You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”

You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”

You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.

You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.

You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.

You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.

You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.

You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.

You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.

purplebuddhaquotes

untitledorb

i read the sentence “abusers groom their character witnesses as carefully as they groom their victims” (in a comment thread in response to a “but i know [the accused] and hes such a nice man!!”) and it’s blowing my mind a weird amount even though i guess i already knew that

he was 18, i was 14. i didnt say no, but im 20 now and i still have nightmares about it. looking back i feel like i didnt understand what i was agreeing to at all. was it my fault?

Definitely not your fault. while a lot of people I know have had sexual interactions at 14 or younger, a 14 year old can’t consent (as evidenced by your saying you didn’t feel like you understood what you were agreeing too - children can’t fully grasp all of the emotions and such that come with sex/sexual acts). He was an adult while you were a child. Even if you had initiated things, as an adult he shouldn’t have done anything with a child.

If you can talk to someone, like a school counselor or a therapist, they can probably help you with the nightmares. The nightmares don’t need to last forever and you’ll be okay.

#ask #sexual assault #csa #Anonymous

theemotionmachine

eyeofscottie

slutt-deactivated20190621

I’m so freaking sad!! *jacks off*

loveisrespect

Identifying abuse/types of abuse :

Is this abuse? Physical Abuse Emotional/Verbal Abuse Sexual Abuse Financial Abuse Digital Abuse Stalking What is Gaslighting?

Currently in unhealthy/abusive relationship:

Building support systems while in an unhealthy relationship Tips for safely reaching out for support How to tell someone about an abusive relationship I live with my abuser Safe Pregnancy while in an abusive relationship I have Children with my abuser Documenting abuse Help, my partner is blackmailing me When your partner threatens suicide Should we Break up?

Safety Planning:

Interactive Guide Safety Planning Emotional Safety Planning Safety planning around Sexual Abuse Social Networking Safety Safety Planning for the Holidays After Breakup: Tech Safety Checklist Breaking up Safely

Getting help:

Help a friend Help a parent Help a co-worker Help a stranger Help my child Someone I know is being abused: should I call the police? Calling the police Restraining order LGBT and the law Help for undocumented immigrants Referrals

Self Care:

What is self care? Coping tips (via Yourlifeyourvoice) Self care tips (via Scarlateen) Self care for abuse and trauma survivors

Questions about abuse:

Why do people abuse? Why do people stay? Drugs/Alcohol and Abuse Abusive LGBT Relationships Does mental illness cause abuse? Why am I struggling to move on after abuse? Am I abusive too? The myth of mutual abuse