@decabus @some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat @messynogenderpotato
I have somethin I guess? Iāve been the Support Friend for most of my life so I managed to get it down to a formula. TW: dog death
This is mainly to keep them talking, that way a) they feel like they have a confidante in you, and b) the pressure is less on you to Say Things. In fact it shouldnāt be about you Saying Things at all, it should be you figuring out where theyāre at and trying to understand.Ā
E.g.Ā āMy dog died, I miss him.ā Ask questions, and when they start talking, let them talk. āWhat was his name?āĀ āHow and when did he die?ā āTell me about him.ā āWhat was he like?āĀ āWhatās your favourite memory of him?āĀ āWhen did you first meet him?āĀ āDid you teach him any tricks?ā Again the point is to keep them talking, the questions are just to get them on a roll. If youāre worrying about what to say next, listen to what theyāre saying and ask details of what theyāre currently talking about, or mentally prepare your next question.
Let them talk. The more you listen to them talk, the more they feel like itās okay to talk to you. If they dwindle off, ask them something else to get them talking again. Upset people usually have a lot to say.
Every now and again you can throw in little sentences like āWow, what a bitch!āĀ āAw, so sad.āĀ āWhat the fuck? Why?ā just to prove youāre still listening and following, and havenāt wandered off into space.
3. When theyāre done, give it back to them
Itās a technique called mirroring. Sum up whatever you heard in short form - if theyāve talked for half an hour about the little details of their deceased pet, say something likeĀ āIt sounds like he was a very good boy/sounds like he meant a lot to you/sounds like you will miss him.ā Itās been known to make people dissolve into a sobbing mess, because this is the part where you prove youāve done your homework, you listened, you care, you get it.
4. If you really want to offer a solution, ask first. You can just skip this step altogether tbh.
Only when someone has finished talking about whatever is upsetting them, ask if you can help.Ā āCan I offer some advice?āĀ Now is the time for SHORT anecdotes. Short.Ā Itās not about you sharing your story, itās about them getting advice. Remember they donāt have to take your advice, again itās about them and their emotions, and they know themselves best. āWhen my dog died, I did this. Would that help?āĀ āI read somewhere about doing this. Maybe try that and see how it goes?ā
Hope this helps yāall. The TL;DR of all this is basically listen, and prove youāre listening.
