Dead But Delicious

My name is Vladislav "Vlad" the Poker and I'm a 865 year old vampire, living in New Zealand, Vellington. Zis blog is all about zee What We do in the Shadows. Ask me as much as you want and I'll try not to answer :[

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Yez that’s right :[ It’s alwayz Petyr ...

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Fan Art I have found.

They zaid cutie-fan art? What iz cute about ze vampires?! :[

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

There appears to be something going on that iz called christmas tomorrow ...

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Greetingz >:D I was wondering if zome of you mortals had any questionz?

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Poking you with my eyes >:D Bij Asher Contreras

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Zomeone who wants b'sgetti?

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

By Natasha Zyrianova

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

I have to admit thiz is pretty impressive for a mortal :[ Made by Jemma Klein

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Have a nice evening mortals :[

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

There iz thiz human that looks strangely enough exactly like me ... :[

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Petyr's zelfie By Diana Van Damme

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Thiz iz made by Richard Wells, accurate reprezentation of Petyr ... Almost zeems like a wanted poster, you have to get past me firzt then >:D

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Zo who zurvived the night ? >:D

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

They zay humans are scared of the supernaturals, but what if I am zcared of humans? ....

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

I am back >:D Not that I waz gone ... I've always been watching you :[

[sheepnanigans]

vampire stuff

vampires getting super invested in nutrition so they know how to take care of their humans, and then being horrified at what humans will actually consume:

three-day-old coffee

twenty piece chicken nuggets

one (1) granola bar as a meal

their own fingernails

humans lying about what they eat:

“How do pop rocks even work?” “They’re made of tiny larvae that explode when they come into contact with human saliva.” “… That can’t be real.”

the constant exasperated repitions of “human stuff” or “vampire stuff” whenever they don’t understand each other

humans dabbing garlic on their pulse points when they’re pissed

“C’mon, I’m starving, why are you like this?” “Are you sorry?” “Yes” “What’s the magic word, Clarence?” “Please?”

vampires that forget humans are delicate and accidentally hurt them

humans that act like wounded dogs over minor injuries just to watch vampires fall over themselves apologizing

vampires exaggerating time for comedic effect:

“I haven’t heard this song in forty years” “This came out in 2004″ “It’s been forty years. I have aged.” “You literally have not.”

“When was the last time you did any laundry?” “1965″ “Fuck you.”

telling vampires to “go back to your coffin” when they’re grumpy

humans constantly asking “how did they do this in your day?” about every single daily task

vampires who hoard tools and appliances from the time period they most enjoyed

young vampires flipping off the sun and screaming at it about evolution

old vampires who pull their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses

erroneous threats based on abilities no vampire actually has:

“I’m gonna show up to your wedding as a swarm of bats and shit on the cake”

[deliciousdeathinvampirestyle]

Yez ...