Colourblind.

[allshewasisred]

People will try to convince you they are good for you when they are not.

People will pretend they care for you when they won’t.

People will believe they love you, need you, want you, when they don’t.

People are lonely,

Wanting people who do not want them.

People are only,

Trying to fill the gaps in their heart,

Others left.

[allshewasisred]

There are so many words and so many languages and so many feelings and I have spent months trying to articulate the way that I feel.

Because I feel SO MUCH.

And yet the only way I can explain it is that I feel nothing. You make me feel nothing, and that is so overwhelming sometimes.

[allshewasisred]

I wanted to be softer

Softer

And prettier,

Easier to love.

More erotic.

Like the girls

In the magazines,

That you hide under our bed.

I wanted to be magnetising,

Mesmerising

More alluring,

So you would never want to leave.

I wanted to be an enigma.

Uncontrollable

Unforgettable.

So that when you were with her,

You would think only of me.

[allshewasisred]

You're it for me, you know. There's nothing more than this. I know, I've known all along, I was born to find you.

When the universe and galaxies were made, my star was in love with yours, I have spent centuries looking for you.

I have spent centuries coming home.

[allshewasisred]

Some say it is hard to love,

But they are mistaken.

To love is as easy as breathing,

It is much harder, trying not to love.

Some say it is harder to be loved,

But they are only half-right.

To be loved is not your choice,

It is much harder, to trust their love.

Some say it is hardest to love someone who used to love you,

But they are bitter and burning.

To overcome the hardship of loving, and being loved,

And then to lose them altogether.

Nothing burns a mark on your soul so deep.

Nothing hurts as bad,

And nothing is harder than living each day without their love.

[allshewasisred]

"You were mine."

Three words, and

You have sucked the air from my lungs.

Three words, and

You have poured pure saltwater into my veins.

Three words, and

You have slipped freezing ice between my bones.

Three words, and

You have poisoned every inch of my heart.

"You were mine."

Three words, and

'I still am.'

[allshewasisred]

I'd be gone one morning

Lost, somewhere under warm sunbeams.

When I am elsewhere,

How will you remember me, and,

who will you choose to see?

Picture me sat by a sea, Love,

Grains of golden sand against bare, white legs.

Flaming hair dancing in a salt-kissed breeze.

Staring out at roaring waves,

Beauty before the storm.

Hate the empty space in your bed, Darling,

White linen, crumpled and worn,

One side left cold and untouched.

You can still breathe me in, but as time passes

Memories and scent fade away.

Imagine me stood in a meadow, Baby,

Surrounded by violet and peach wildflowers, buried in a forest.

Eyes shut, arms spread out as rain starts to fall.

Embracing a light drizzle,

Gentle against my hurricane.

Remember when you said I would lose myself,

Searching for chaos.

I said you would lose yourself in me,

Because, Honey;

I am the hurricane.

I am the storm.

[allshewasisred]

i love your poems <3

Thank you 💖 It means a lot

[allshewasisred]

A love-letter to a lover I hate.

Dear lover,

I spend more days than I would like to admit, staring at the ceiling-  thinking about you. And it's easy, saying that it pisses me off, how our bastard mistake still affects me so much.

It's almost as strong as the trembling of my knees when you walk past me. We both agree it shouldn't have happened, one of few things we ever agreed on.

But it did, leaving me laying here, caught a haze of dazed confusion, and understanding, demanding to know things you'll never tell.

Maybe we can discuss it when we both end up cursed to hell.

Dear lover,

I am truly happy for you, look at you, all grown up with your someone new, you've always deserved the best.

I remember when that was me... and I drank your love like a damned soul who'd been lost in the desert, I'm drinking bottled love now, in the form of Whiskey liqueur.

And as I sit here with a glass of it in hand, I cannot avoid how infuriatingly lost I am trying to understand what I've done to make you feel as though you need to threaten me with your new man.

And not to be rude, cause I'll keep up the ruse that he doesn't look like a child if that's what you need, but I don't think you're fooling anyone when words come tumbling out of his mouth.

Did you ever stop playing with dolls? He's acting like a macho-man; blindly accepting  a need to hurt me, it's shameful remembering a time where I was almost the same.

Sweet lover-of-mine, you fed me many-a-line that he was bothering you, I was so ready to fight.

And hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm truly glad I didn't, because he probably didn't deserve it.

Dear lover,

the last thing i said to you was 'good luck with your show'.

Which you never read, I was removed before you could, and still you torture me. When will I ever be enough?

What I say is received, but never read. Not that it's anything new.

And I hope your show goes well my love,  I truly do. I know you've been looking forward to it, the way I looked forward to my future with you.

I'm so pitifully lost, at the bottom of this glass, tormented by echoing whimpers of how and why. So much to ask, so much I'll never know.

This want, my sadistic need to know how you could fall out of love with me so easily, when I have not changed at all.

How can you say I used you? How dare you feel nothing for me anymore?

2 years of friendship down the drain, swirling, mixing with my drinks.

Do you remember that old movie we made? When you played beauty and I the fool? I can't watch it anymore, without tearing up.

I was so unprepaired for how perfectly it depicted our love.

Dear lover,

I know there are thousands of things you will never tell me, you don't care that I need to know.

But, there is one thing I need to tell you.

Sweet, gentle lover,

I hate you.

Goodbye.

[allshewasisred]

Murder;

The unlawful killing of a reasonable creature in being under the Queen's peace.

And it was unlawful.

I watched you sit there working away, and away my head went with these unlawful, unwanted thoughts.

It was not reasonable.

I would rather have watched you piss in an alleyway, at midnight, than sit here with my heart hammering in my chest- while you work away.

This is not peace.

The calming, tranquil lull of your hand rubbing my thigh was not any way I wanted to find peace.

Express or implied malice aforethought.

Aforethought.

As though I had never before saw you in this dull, yellow light, surrounded by strangers.

I have expressed no desire for you, in any other position than the seat you occupy next to me, with your hand resting on my knee.

This unlawful hammering of my heart has implied how badly I would like to be hammered-

so I can blame alcohol on the perversion of my mind, when it should be occupied with other things, than how easily you have murdered my decision to piss away any semblance of hope.

[allshewasisred]

if all she was is red? would that include her hair too?

Actually yes, 'she' is a redhead

[allshewasisred]

Part of me is dying here, I can see the flesh rotting away on my arms. I can feel my eyes dragging on the muscle around them. The elasticity of youth is struggling to hold. In dreams, my skin is falling off, Huge, translucent flakes. I don't even have the will to care, I help, slowly peeling it off. My head carries a dull ache, Caused by my insides fermenting, As my veins slowly dry. I am dying here, and so here I'll die. The last things I'll feel are the maggots worming behind my eyes, Their movements forcing tears to come pouring out. Or the leeches gleefully thriving on my arm, Feeding on what's left of my hearts hard work. Or maybe, the last thing I'll feel is that panic in my throat, As my heart skips a beat, and another, and another... Then, that crippling, final shudder, As a bled-out soldier collapses.

[allshewasisred]

You’re afraid. 
You’re afraid he’ll notice the mismatched colours that make up who you are, and that he’ll never be able to un-see them. 
 You’re afraid this wild kaleidoscope of emotions you call life will be too much for him, and eventually he’ll get sick of it, and of you. 
 You’re afraid the disproportionate features of your body, mind, and soul will be too uneven, even in a world as asymmetrical as this.
 You’re afraid of your bare, white skin against his, and of him seeing the entirety of you just as pale and disinteresting.
 You’re afraid that slowly, the curves of your body and the twists in your mind will be nothing but blockage on what should be a clear path.
 You’re afraid that what was once described as beautiful and reckless will become bland and thoughtless. 
 You’re afraid that the garden you sit in will grow into razor sharp thorns and you will cut anyone who comes close. 
 You’re afraid that secretly, deep down, you still are- and will always be- absolutely terrified.

[allshewasisred]

Your love is sweet,
 But it makes me sick. 


I don’t want your kindness,
 I don’t want your beauty.

I am not the kind of girl that looks at the stars and sees them twinkling. 


I am not the kind of girl who looks at the stars and sighs. 


I am not wanderlust or beautiful.

I am the kind of girl who doesn’t look at the skies.


I would much rather lie here 
in bed

with a warm mug of coffee and 
my bitter misery instead.

But if I did look at the stars, I would see fire. 
 I would see burning gas, 


And 1,000 dreams being made on 
something that’s 1,000 years dead.

[allshewasisred]

People always say you tell the most truth when you’re drunk. That’s why nothing has every hurt me more than what he said that night. The night when he was so wasted he couldn’t have had a filter if he tried. When he told me I was incapable of loving anyone. Incapable of having a relationship. That I wasn’t a good person, I just acted like it because I was desperate for others to see me as nice. I was nothing to him, for the most part, but there was this ‘fucking idiotic’ side of him that needed me. Just a stupid little girl who had never been loved, no wonder all my relationships failed. Because if so many had gone wrong you had to stop and wonder if it was me that was the problem. How I had no idea what I really wanted, except to be loved, but it would never be enough for me and I would break their hearts too. That’s all I am. A heartbreaker. All I will ever be to him, the one person who knows me better than I know myself. I’m absolutely terrified that he’s right. That I’m incapable of loving people, only of convincing myself I care. I will just break hearts, after letting them love me, of being good and nice so they don’t see what’s below. The shadow of a person that’s what I really am. The sad child no one loved who can’t love anyone else. A monster.

[allshewasisred]

I didn't love him. No matter what they say, this will always echo in my mind. I didn't love him. Not when we were caught up in the autumn wind, Amber leaves swirling in the air. I didn't love him. Side by side, laying next to the river, the sunlight streaming down nowhere near as warm as his hand in mine. I didn't love him. As the whiskey burned my throat and soothed my heart, as the tears pour down my cheeks. I didn't love him. Collapsing into myself as the whole world shattered, knowing there was nothing I could have done. I didn't love him. I told myself 1000 times, almost convincing myself it was true. I didn't love him. Not when I broke his heart. Not when he broke mine. Not even when we sat together in complete silence. I didn't love him. Until the moment I had lost him forever.

[allshewasisred]

You live your life with this incomprehensible belief that there are things you are supposed to do. Things that you are wrong to live without doing. For example, the expectation that you should blindly love your parents regardless of how they treat you or any factor that would attribute to causing emotions in regards to them as people. The fact that they are your parents and they created you should be reason enough. This is a toxic belief. It is beyond valid to not love your parents for who they are as people. It’s sad to say, but in many cases they are not good people, or even good parents. And yes they created you, but what if they also created the darkness inside of you. That pulsing rhythm a little to the left and slightly lower than the thrum of your heart but definitely there after every beat. I relent from this slightly, as I am quite sure they will not have been the only cause for this spot of darkness inside you. I am sure there was probably a lover, a friend, a person, many people who made their mark and consequentially became part of the dark. Part of the shadow. Your shadow self is not necessarily dark in reality, only in essence. It is a force that drives you to do things you are advised against doing. Smoking, drinking, going for walks at 4AM, sneaking to a boys house when your parents are asleep, skipping school, staying in bed all day, eating like crap. None of these are inherently bad, only in essence. That’s not to say that the darkness cannot be just that, dark. I myself have the bad kind of darkness. Inside me, just below the surface, is the type of person they write horror stories about. The kind of sick, self destructive mess that should be subdued with potions and pills that teach all young people not to feel. This darkness tells you to run away, to burn down relationships, to hurt yourself, to hurt others, to cry, to refuse help, to act like nothing is wrong, to hide who you really are. The only reason we are afraid of this darkness, is because we are afraid of what other people will see when they look into the heart of you, even if they are what created this. The only reason we are afraid of the dark, is because you don’t know what you will find lurking inside, just below the surface.