Trigger warning for depression/ suicidal ideation
I’m not ok. I’m not good at opening up to people, it feels like there’s a mental barrier in my head blocking me from opening up, so I’m shouting into the void that is my tumblr blog. I’m not looking sympathy, I’m not looking advice, I just need to get things off my chest for my own sake. I feel like I’m losing my mind, it’ll be a fucking miracle if I even post this.
I’ve suffered from depression and suicidal ideation for well over a decade. I was never meant to make it this far. Every day I break a little more and I don’t know how much more I can take. I used to think I’d never actually do it, like I’d want to and I’d think about it a lot, but when I really thought about it I knew I probably wouldn’t, at least not in the immediate future, but I don’t know anymore. Depression has stolen most of my joy and energy, I’m tired all the fucking time. I stay up late every night because it’s the only time I feel I have to myself and whether I get a full nights sleep or little to no sleep it makes no difference. I think I hurt myself on purpose, I watch sad videos at night to make myself cry, to feel something. There’s a certain comfort in the pain, like if it’s bad enough it’s more valid that I feel this way. It’s self destructive, but I don’t know how to get better. I need help, but I don’t let people in and if they try I push them away. I’m not a good friend and I feel guilty about it. I’ve dealt with it myself this long, I don’t know any other way. I just want to get better, but it feels impossible.
Recently things have been getting worse, I’m staying up later, breaking down more, life doesn’t feel real anymore, like none of it matters. It’s just getting to be a lot and maybe if I share this here it’ll make things even slightly easier, I don’t know. I’m not entirely sure the purpose of writing this here, I guess since I can’t open up in person this is the best I can do for now.
