One Step at a Time. @allspilledout - Tumblr Blog

“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.) Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks. Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris. Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together. Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.) Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you. Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place. Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects. Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers. Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do. Love, Dad.”

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Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via dorkvader)

i feel like this should be published and sold everywhere

(via the-hammer-of-fenris)

reactionary-bot

sad but true: it doesn’t matter if people die as a result, opening a sports-themed bar & grill is too important

deeby

august 11, 2018

scottandhiskind

2020 is the year we find out who the psychics are….which apparently includes bots

yourdadsghoulfriend

I’m still focused on you, even though I’m not a passing thought to you.

Source

tentadog-deactivated20220704

softsickgod

I understand you’re struggling right now. I just want to remind you that it’s okay. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to stay home. It’s okay that you’re not okay right now. It doesn’t make you less worthy of love or happiness or peace. You’ve made it through all of your worst days and you’ll make it through this. I believe in you.

recaption

thatgirlwithadhd

So much of managing your mental health is just…learning to parent yourself like you’re a toddler

Like, “Honey, it’s 10 pm and you’ve been up since four in the morning, no wonder you’re emotional. Plus all you’ve had to eat today was three chocolate truffles and a half a protein drink. Make yourself some scrambled eggs and peas, you can even put them in separate bowls so they don’t touch. Then go to bed. You can do more fun things tomorrow, but first you need to sleep. Okay?”

whitepeopletwitter

khadij-al-kubra

Honestly, 200% valid reaction

queerynotfound

What a fucking mood

queerinthenorth-deactivated2020

harmony-is-happiness

thethiefandtheairbender

The Good Place (2016-2020)

insomniac-arrest

brah

postilionstruckbylightning

The Good Place’s take on morality is so important to me. It never suggests that being good is easy or straightforward - quite the opposite - but it says, over and over again, that we need to try because we’re all people and we all matter.