he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@allthatglittas
I’m seeing a bunch of people do a “6 selfies of 2014” thing, so I figured I’d do it!
I don’t take many selfies because I hate how I look as a boy and I rarely get a chance to dress as a girl, so I’m only posting 5, but this year was a big year for me. Thank you all for being kind and supportive!
this belongs on everyone’s blog. never forget this beautiful angel. don’t let her death be in vain.
❤️❤️❤️
One year post-op 🙏
Being comfortable in my body is something I never imagined possible until it happened 🦄
Scars are really starting to fade this past month.
10 months post-op
8 months post op, more close up shots of scars. One side has a shine from silicone cream which I apply twice a day. My skin also looks a bit red and blotchy because I had just got out of the shower. I am seeing Andy for a follow up consult next month. I'm also planning to write a detailed post soon on my thoughts around surgery, Andy and how I feel mentally and physically now that some time has past.
8 months post-op, no T
Dirty mirror filter: 7 month post-op
6 months post-op
a male feminist walks into a bar
because it was set so low
The Invasive and Compulsory Binary System within the Transgender Community
I am non-binary.
I am not a woman. I am not a man.
I am somewhere on the spectrum; constantly changing.
I use they/them pronouns and I like to fluctuate between the terms non-binary and genderfluid, as they leave room for fluidity and change, if necessary.
Since discovering my gender identity within the last year, I have felt a great sense of empowerment and freedom. I am able to move through the world identifying in a way that makes sense to me in a way I didn’t even know possible. I am able to embrace the parts of myself that I didn’t think were acceptable to embrace as the “girl” I was socialized as. I am able to make a deeper connection to my queer identity and also connect with others who feel the same empowerment and solidarity in our non-binary/trans identities. But I’m hesitant to claim trans, and I’m not alone in this dilemma.
I am hesitant because society has a warped perception of what transgender is. Though it is an umbrella term for ALL who do not identify as cisgender, it is not the binary structure that society has appropriated it to be. Sometimes, it is “MtF” and “FtM”. Sometimes there are folks who identify as trans men or trans women, in a way that they fit society’s inaccurate ideas of trans folks having to go from “one gender to the other”. And I understand; look at the only trans representation we have: Laverne Cox, Janet Mock, Caitlyn Jenner. All trans women who self-identify as women, and in addition, fit the gendered stereotype of what “women” look like, as they are feminine in the sense of our cultural ideas of femininity in women, and they are all incredibly attractive women, in the realm of conventional attraction within Westernized media.
The problem with seeing transgender identities through a binary lens is that it erases the non-binary identities that also fall under the trans umbrella, implying that there is only acceptance for those who “pass”, or conform to traditional ideas of how men and women should look. It tells non-binary folk that they MUST fit into one or the other, or they are not trans or trans enough.
It tells my trans-masculine partner that he can’t be on testosterone, use masculine pronouns, and reject the label of “man” simultaneously.
It tells me, a genderfluid individual, that because I present as feminine, I must be a girl, and cannot identify as transgender, the community in which I belong.
It tells trans boys and men that they are not allowed to be feminine, or they aren’t really trans boys if they are lacking a particular amount of masculinity.
It tells trans women that they can’t be women unless they are inherently feminine in the ways society values femininity.
It leads to the misconceptions around transgender as an identity in which can be different for many.
It leads to uncomfortable and unacceptable questions from friends, medical professionals, and strangers, such as “when are you getting surgery? Are you on hormones? What do you have down there? When are you going on hormones? How do you have sex?”
The problem with the binary lens is it makes the idea of being trans a clear-cut picture, which it isn’t. The binary system, in connection to the transgender community relates being trans to physicality and ONLY physicality, which defeats the purpose of trans being an identity. There ARE trans folks who don’t feel the need to go on hormone replacement therapy or have surgery. There are some trans folks who do. There are some trans folks who experience dysphoria on multiple levels, and there are some trans folks who don’t. But we are a diverse, fluid, and often non-conforming community, and that is just the point. We as a society need to look past the single story of what it means to be transgender and look more in depth to the variety of identities within. We need to be just as accepting of the trans folks who don’t “pass” as the ones who do. We need to let trans boys be feminine and let trans girls be masculine if they please. We need to let non-binary folks claim the trans identity without feeling like they can’t because they “appear” to be one gender or the other. In essence, we need to stop assuming anyone’s gender, and additionally lifting up those who have diverse gender identities.
Maybe then, with that mindset, we can get past the microaggressive and inappropriate questions about genitalia, and the locked gender roles that are in place even for transgender folks. We can get past the idea that somebody who “looks” like the gender you assume they are may not be; and accept that without questioning. We can stop telling non-binary folks (especially those who are read in society as cisgender) that they are not trans because they don’t want to physically transition. If we can get past these things, we can work on focusing on what is urgently important in the trans community:
Trans women of color are globally the largest demographic of assaulted and murdered people.
Almost half of transgender folks attempt suicide in their lifetime
The majority of transgender people cannot get jobs due to transphobia, and therefore must turn to sex work, which can be dangerous.
Homelessness in transgender communities is on the rise, as well as a fall in populations in higher education.
It is legal in most states in the U.S. to be fired for being trans, or turned away from housing.
There is so much more, but what the binary system works to do within the trans community is shift the focus to the body, the physical transition (while assuming that’s necessary), the level at which someone “passes”, and ultimately, to only accept certain transgender folk as authentically trans.
With that, it takes the attention and focus away from the very real, very imminent, human rights violations, and macro and microaggresional transphobia that transgender folks face every single day. THAT is what we need to focus on. Because, my friends, we as the transgender community are in a state of emergency.
Wow I did not expect this much love for this post thank y'all so much it means the world to me.
welcome to my fox’s burrow.
Amazing!
5 and a half months post-op
Being actually into my body for the first time in my life is pretty amazing.
Over 3 months post op
It’s been a while between updates and a fair bit has happened in terms of healing.
Granuloma!
Last post I spoke of the diagnosis of a granuloma that had formed in the suture spit opening. The process of dealing with this was to see my GP and get it treated with silver nitrate sticks (they look like long match sticks with a silver end). This was difficult in itself as silver nitrate is a scarce substance to find in stock these days as it is an old school kind of treatment. My GP didn’t have it and then asked me to essentially shop around at chemists until I could find it myself. This literally involved me calling around 15 different chemists until I finally had a brain wave and thought to call one located at a hospital (surely they would have a bigger range of stock right?).
Turns out this was good thinking and they did have some sticks, located way back in some storage room that the pharmacist had to hunt around in for quite some time. I took the sticks back to my doctor who had never used them before and needed to google how to do it!!! This kind of treatment actually needs to be done a few times, depending on the size of the granuloma, so if you find yourself in similar circumstances make sure you buy a fair few silver nitrate sticks (they cost me $1.50 each, I got 8).
Basically you rub the head of the stick on the granuloma and it turns the surface into a greyish silver colour, which you leave to soak in. Cover the section with dry dressing and leave overnight. The doctor did this once for me and I ended up taking everything home and doing it myself several times over the next few days. The aim is to burn the granuloma back to be at surface level or below the skin so that new tissue could form and seal over.
I had to redo it one other time as the granuloma reformed in one section of the hole, but after that it began to heal as normal and has now scarred over finally. It took around 10 weeks to heal all up.
Nipples … and dermatitis
My nipples have finally lost the scabs and are settling right down, I actually love them both so much. I loss the final scab around the 2 and half month/13ish week mark. I am slowly gaining sensation, more so in the right than the left. They have been super dry and I’ve been dealing dermatitis, or at least I’m self diagnosed it as that. Basically I have a rash around the nipples and for a while it covered them both as well. I have treated this with coconut oil, and more recently an ointment made up of different herbs and oils including vitamin E, golden seal, calendula and zinc, which seems to be helping. It got a heap worse when I recently travelled to the central desert, the dry conditions made the rash spread and my nipples flake.. not ideal. Anyway, it seems to be improving. I am having a phone meeting with Andy in two weeks so will run it by him then if it is still around.
Scars I feel like my scars have changed again in the past week, possibly stretched a little, but I can’t tell if I’m just being paranoid. I stopped taping them right on 3 months as I was getting a lot of pimples and skin reactions from the tape, which I think is where the dermatitis came from. I have been putting silicone gel on them though every day. Photos below the cut.
Hey man if it's alright can I ask how much your top surgery cost? And was any of it covered by medicare/insurance? And did you have to go on T for a few months before they'd let you have it?
Hey! The total cost was close to the $9000 mark. I didn’t have insurance so I also saved a few grand extra to keep aside incase of complications (if there is a complication like a hematoma or something that requires additional surgery/more time in hospital than you get charged for the extra nights stay and I imagine the extra time for the anesthetist). The rough break down is like $3700 for the surgeon, $2100 or so for the anesthetist, $2000 for the hospital stay overnight and use of the operating room, and I think there was something else. I might try to do a post with the exact break downs and process of getting the all clear for surgery soon.
I’ve got some of it back from Medicare rebate, just over a thousand for the surgery itself and I haven’t got around to doing my anesthetist one yet but it should be about $500-700 back.
As for T, I have never been on it. I went to a queer friendly doctor, got a referral to a psych who I had heard was good, told her what I wanted, she asked me to see her a few times so she could say we did that but said she would write my referral letter to my surgeon straight away and was no gatekeeper. My surgeon just requires a referral letter from a psych. He doesn’t care if you are on T or how you identify, which was ideal as I’m genderqueer.
Let me know if you want to know anything else :)
