We watch all the TV and tell you why you're wrong about it.
Contributors:
LaToya - The Star of the Show
Caroline - The Spastic Sidekick
Nate - The Cape
Kayla - Intern/The Worst
Matt - The Show-Off
Twitter: @AllTheTVBlog
Email: [email protected]
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Well here it is. The end of the road for All The TV. It's been a good run. From (drunk) podcasts to That's Michigan! to complete insanity, we've been through a lot. What started as one girl's attempt to tell you all why she's right about TV (and you're wrong, of course) became a group of people who also wanted to tell you why they were right about TV (and you -- still wrong). And those people became pretty good friends, so that's kind of heartwarming and all that sappy jazz.
Who knows, maybe All The TV will return one day, bigger and better than ever, like a blogging Phoenix. But for now, it's on to the next chapter for all of us, whatever that may be. The gang will still be on the Interwebs -- we'll just each be doing our own thing for now.
Honestly, I think Michelle Branch said it better on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
xoxo,
All The TV
P.S. Never forget Nate being wrong about The Killing being something resembling "good."
IMPORTANT QUESTION:Â Why are we not all talking about the fact that Mark Schwahn, creator of One Tree Hill, is doing a take on Hamlet for those bastions of high culture, the E! Network? I feel like this is something we all need to be talking about.
Right away, the writers decide to dig into their bag of writing tricks for Lindsayâs appearance, as they start the episode off with an in media res gag. Lindsayâs getting arrested! Tons of empty alcohol bottles are falling out of her car! As she yells at Charlie about how sheâll never forgive him because this is all his fault, the audience laughs and applauds. So for those of you keeping track at home: no applause for Cee Lo Green, applause for a Lindsay Lohan gets arrested joke. Anger Management's audience, everyone!
After a 72 hours earlier title card pops up, we are transported back to Charlieâs anger management group while Nolan rants about robots. You see, heâs really worried about how robots are going to take over, because humans are just easily distracted idiots. As soon as heâs finished expressing that fear though, he begins to randomly question Charlie about the lack of donuts at the therapy session. This is funny because Nolanâs out of nowhere questioning about the donuts easily proves his point about how humans are easily distracted! Comedy, guys! Anger Management fucking nails it.
Anyway, Nolanâs random train of thought about the donuts leads to a miniature mutiny about them, as the whole group talks about how much they fucking love donuts and how therapy needs more donuts. Lacey talks about how she likes to lick the powder donuts, which leads to Patrick chastising her for talking about food because she has to model his dress for design school next week and if she gains any weight it is going to be a huge disaster because tailoring doesnât exist in Patrickâs world, apparently. Patrick then tells Lacey that the only thing that she is allowed to do is âlick some homeless guyâs donutâ, which is the weirdest thing to happen on Anger Management since Cee Lo gueststarred on this show.
Because we need to get to the main plot of this episode eventually, Lacey suddenly decides it is important to talk about how Lindsay Lohan is on TMZ because sheâs going to have an anger management therapist on set for her next commercial. While everyone in the group speculates who this anger management therapist could possibly be, Nolan throws out the possibility that itâs Charlie because Charlie never works for celebrities! (Nolan missed the Cee Lo Green episode, because heâs a luckier bastard than I am.) We also get our 18th meta joke in under three minutes, when Ed angrily asks why celebrities canât control themselves. Charlie just screams âHOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW?â to this rhetorical line of questioning, which is "hilarious" because in real life Charlie Sheen was a celebrity who could not control himself and his damn #tigerblood. (Comedy!) Finally, Charlie surprises nobody everybody with his announcement that heâs gonna be Lindsayâs new therapist! While he asks that this news be treated with discretion by the group, Lacey promptly tweets about it. Frankly, Charlie deserved it because he never provided the group with donuts. And also because he got this show on the air in the first place.Â
We fastforward to the next day, as Lindsay Lohan proudly announces to the world in our 27th meta joke of the evening, âHi, Iâm Lindsay Lohan and I love the taste of alcoholâ. This is just the beginning of the commercial Lindsay is shooting for a Japanese product #1 Happy Whiskey Chew, which is gum that tastes like alcohol without any of the fun side effects of alcohol (making it useless). The commercial, which features Lindsay dressed as a Japanese school girl and also stars a panda bear with blue antlers, seems to be going about as well as anyone could possibly expect a Lindsay Lohan production to go, until suddenly the panda bear with the antlers starts making humping gestures. This infuriates Lindsay as she huffs off the set. HOW DARE ANYONE THINK SHE IS HAVING SEX WITH A BEAR!!!!
While the director demands that Charlie get Lindsay back on to set after she angrily leaves, Charlie decides to take her side when she explains to him how the script was changed on her. Charlie supports her as she decides to quit the commercial, and Lindsay tells Charlie that he may be exactly what she needs in her life. This, of course, leads us to our 117th meta joke during this exchange:
Lindsay: You seem like a good guy, not one of those Hollywood party boys.
Charlie: Douchebags. I hate those guys.
The audience barely gets a chance to come down from the high that was that well-crafted joke, when all of a sudden we are hit with the image of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan breathing heavily after some wild sexy times. (<-- BRING IT ON DOWN TO BANGING CHARLIE-VILLE. - L) I would just like to take a minute here to properly express to you all, that you are not really ever prepared to see this image. You might think you are prepared to see this image, but you are not. You never will be. I have seen a lot of terrible things in my life, I have watched all of the ABC Family Original Sitcom Roommates, and yet I was not prepared to see that image. It was something on a whole other level of strange. I do not think I will ever recover from this. Guys, they were doing after-orgasm breathing! Oh, the humanity!
I think Charlie and Lindsay have some âhilariousâ banter during this scene, but I kind of was in a weird strange trance from seeing the image of them in post-coital bliss, so I never bothered to figure out what it was. Thankfully, I snapped out of my funk to see the scene with Michael Boatman (from Lifetime Original Sitcom Sherri). He comes over to Charlieâs house for two reasons. One reason is to bring over some empty alcohol bottles to be used for the in media res opening. The other is to talk about how he banged a large-footed lady. Sadly, his stirring emotional speech about he banged that large-footed lady so well, her feet were âwaving in the windâ is cut short when Lindsay Lohan comes down and steals his thunder, prompting him to leave after ogling her stuff. (This is not a euphemism, he was literally going gaga over her sunglasses or some bullshit.)
Charlie proceeds to tell Lindsay that they canât hang out today because he has to go to prison for about an hour. After our 877th meta joke about how great Charlieâs lawyers must be because he only has to spend an hour in prison, we set up our 878th meta joke when Lindsay asks to tag along to his therapy group to knock out some of her community service hours. Charlie says that she can come as long as the prison approves of it, to which Lindsay replies that everything should be okay since all the prisons and jails know her.
Cut to the end of Lindsayâs speech to the prisoners, which I guess was so emotional that we could not hear any of it lest we all melt into puddles of tears and proceed to come to Jesus or what have you. The prisoners are so stirred by this speech that they come on to Lindsay Lohan for a few minutes, with such snazzy pick-up lines as âIâm not a cannibal. Thatâs not why Iâm in here, but I bet you taste like raspberries.â After we get to listen to a few of these gems, Lindsay finally has to leave the group, but not before she sneaks into another meta joke or three about lying to the courts.
As soon as Lindsay leaves, one of the prisoners tells Charlie that all the prisoners would love to tap that ass, but that they also believe in the bro code. So if Charlie is already, and I quote, âjamming herâ, they are going to respect that and back off. Charlie responds to this by weirdly forgetting the pain he earlier caused me during his post-coital scene with Lindsay, and instead making a whole speech about how thereâs an attraction, and heâs not sure he wants to pursue it, and blahblahblah. Dude, nobody who has watched this episode of television will ever be able to remove the image of you post-âjamming herâ from our brains, so donât pretend like it has never happened! The prisoners meanwhile take his reluctance to seal the deal with Lindsay, as him being persuaded by the tabloids to believe the worst in her, which they tell him is the wrong thing to do because newspapers can be slanderous. (âThe papers said I stabbed a guy a hundred times! I only stabbed him 50 at most!â exclaims one prisoner.) Lindsay busts in at this point to freak out about a new TMZ headline about their relationship.
The show decides to ignore the problems this headline brings all together, as suddenly we cut to the apparently necessary scene with Jen and Sam randomly popping over to Charlieâs. Jen doesnât bring laundry with her this time, but she does bring a shitton of tabloid-based disapproval of Lindsay! Samâs just happy that everyone in school is talking about how her dad is banging Lindsay Lohan. Samâs fucking weird. Anyway, shenanigans happen with Samâs sunglasses or whatever, but this scene has no bearing on any of the greater plot of this episode, so whatever. Lifeâs too short and I have already written 1,500 words on this episode of Anger Management.
I am also going to skip out on writing about the scene where Patrick is a dick to Lacey because she gained weight after being dumped by a married dude, because by this point, you should know Patrick is a dick and really, the only thing thatâs important about this scene anyways, is that the dress Lacey barely fits into now is the same dress Lindsay is going to get arrested in later, as per the in media res opening.
While Patrick is being his dickish self though, Charlie and Lindsay are getting off on doing ordinary things, such as buying groceries or playing with powder donuts. All of a sudden though, the paparazzi comes and starts taking pictures through Charlieâs door of them with powder donut stuff all over their faces, which gives us this gem of a screencap:
TMZ uses this to print lies about the cocaine fueled orgies happening in the Valley, or wherever the hell this show takes place, which is a PROBLEM. Lindsayâs cover is blown, her chance at an ordinary life is gone and she is so pissed! Especially when Charlie apologizes to her, because apparently the one thing that turns Lindsay Lohan off is an âIâm sorry.â
The rest of the episode is supposed to be some kind of comedy of errors where Charlie keeps ruining Lindsayâs night, even though it's Anger Management so the comedy part is subjective. Charlie destroys her original dress that she was gonna wear out to some gala. He has Lacey pretend to be her as a paparazzi decoy, which destroys Lindsayâs rep further because Lacey starts yelling obscenities at the paparazzis while in Lindsay mode. To make things even worse, he keeps apologizing whenever things go wrong, ruining Lindsayâs sex drive. The one thing Charlie is good at though is throwing in our billionth meta joke, as he advises Lindsay to just be blatantly honest and to just start talking without a filter, non-stop. He can't see how anything could possibly go wrong with that!Â
Even though Charlie landed that meta joke with the subtlety of a million anvils, he can't do anything else right, so nobodyâs shocked at all when Lindsay decides to dump him to become a Wanted groupie or whatever it is that she is doing lately. However, before Lindsay can leave him for good we have to circle back to the scene that starts this episode off as Lindsay gets arrested when she gets into a minor traffic accident and the cops see all the empty alcohol bottles from Michael Boatman dropping out of the car. Lindsay yells at Charlie, Charlie is apologetic and I am just glad this episode was over.
Patrick declares that this was the best day of his life, as he watches Lindsay Lohan get arrested in his designs during the end credits. I really think that says it all, when it comes to my opinion on this episode. Patrick the asshole got to have the best day of his life, and I was stuck writing over 2000 words about an episode of Anger Management that wasnât even blessed with the pantsuit game of Selma Blair and instead was plagued with so many meta jokes I could feel myself choking on them.
Let's put it like this: This episode didn't make me feel like I was #winning, thatâs for sure.
"An irreverent yet charming sportscaster who, after a loss, finds solace from members of his mandatory group therapy sessions."
Let's just acknowledge for a moment that the above is Wikipedia's episode description for last night's episode. It's literally the logline for the show in place of an actual synopsis. (ETA: It's not even the logline for Anger Management. It's the logline for Go On, a far superior sitcom and television show, in general. *LAUGHTER*). A person who spends their time editing the Wikipedia page for Anger Management on FX couldn't be bothered to write an actual synopsis. Much like the writer of this episode of Anger Management couldn't be bothered to write an actual episode. So I can't be bothered to write an actual recap.
The episode is simply an excuse for Charlie Sheen's ex-wife (and now, more humanoid-looking than actually human) Denise Richards to exist (*LAUGHTER*, naturally) and for the "character" of Charlie Goodson to tell her character, with a straight face and no *LAUGHTER*, that unhealthy relationships are BAD and that she needs therapy. WOMP FUCKING WOMP, am I right girlfriend? And as if to say, "We hate you, LaToya," the episode also featured 1.) the return of Jen walking into Charlie's kitchen with laundry and 2.) Cryptkeeper Charlie Goodson Banglympics. *LAUGHTER* or whatever. Who cares.
By the way, last night's episode of Two and Half Men was titled "Bazinga! That's From a TV Show," so I realize my life could always be worse.
Next week's episode is the Lindsay Lohan episode. It's titled "Charlie Gets Lindsay Lohan in Trouble." Pray for me, you assholes.
Real talk: I've been fairly confident that something like this would happen, based on the fact that not a single one of these actors has booked a pilot when they would all undoubtedly be in high demand and on the market, but it is still VERY comforting to see this in writing.
So, multiple of your AllTheTV-ers have just this season begun watching Army Wives, because why would we not between the cast additions of Melissa Hastings/Meredith Fell, Noel Kahn, and Ashanti. But, to be honest, we are so glad we did because if we had never started Army Wives, I never would have discovered my new favorite thing on TV: Alyssa Diazâs (aka Jasmine of the too-soon-departed Chloe The Cat Messiah Variety Hour) absolutely ridiculous accent, which sounds like a combination of Brooklyn, Long Island, a touch of Boston, and a heaping dose of oral surgery. Seriously, itâs the best. Itâs so good, I have lovingly, phonetically recreated it here, for you all to bask in. Honestly though, the caps don't even do it justice, you probably just need to start watching Army Wives. Plus, that way youâll get to enjoy Catherine Bellâs Bangs plan for world domination and super white girls singing Hit âEm Up Style and unironic use of record scratch sound effects. Plus, itâs the only way to pay tribute to Claudia Joy, the only woman who could ever tame Bill Brasky.
TVLine, Imma need y'all to fuck off promptly, mkay?
Like, the fact that you decided to curtail the positivity of your TV's most empowered ladies slideshow with some examples of the least empowered is bad enough. But then looking at the ladies you chose? I know the majority opinion of Ashley Davenport is not super positive but girl is workin' dem schemes and judge her for how she's done it, but she is right back in as the right hand of the Graysons. Haley Dunphy is such a weird pick, focusing on a one-off episode that wasn't even Modern Family at it's mediocrest. I don't see how anyone can ding the Pretty Little Liars for lacking in empowerment either.
But this is the one that I find the most galling. You're taking a teenage girl (who, let's not forget is supposed to be somewhere around 14 probably even if Sophie Turner looks older) to task for "not defying her role as human leverage"? Seriously? Sansa has been a lone person in a den of wolves. Even if the wolves are under express orders not to eat her, her survival has been nothing short of walking a tightrope. Not to mention all of the subtle barbs and attacks she has made towards Joffrey and the Lannisters. The girl has fight and brains. If they think that Sansa taking up Baelish's offer would have led to good things for her, they are just fooling themselves. Look at every single thing that Baelish has done on the entirety of the show. How is that offer trustworthy in any way, shape, or form? The ladies of Game of Thrones are, on a show vs. show basis, the single most empowered group of ladies on TV, Sansa included. She may not be as battle-ready as Brienne or as cutthroat as Cersei or as outspoken as Arya, but to call her an unempowered character is some straight up nonsense.
So yeah, as I said earlier, fuck off TVLine. Fuck right off please and thank you.
Ok, slight apology to the OP. This is not solely directed at you, your post just happened to be the one I saw that caused me to snap and need to finally rant about this. I'm not trying to attack why you're upset, you are entitled to your opinion about last episode and while we may disagree, I promise you that THAT is not why this post pissed me off so much.
Rather, it's about the notion that "the writers owe you a HUGE apology" for this last episode. Too often in fandom, and especially fandom on the hivemind that is tumblr, people get the notion in their head that content is created specifically to be what they desire the show to be, and if the show doesn't cater to their particular whims, the show is wrong/bad/should be ashamed of itself/needs to apologize. It's a notion I've discussed before in my whole thing about how shipping was ruining fandom, but I feel the need to reiterate again: shows are not built to cater to the fans and they shouldn't be. There can absolutely be a symbiotic relationship between the two, where fan response influences the direction of the show. See, for example, Emily Bett Rickards in Arrow. Felicity Smoak was introduced as a one episode character, but the fan response to her was so positive (as well as producer response), that she's going to be a full regular in season 2. There is nothing wrong with that sort of relationship between a show and its fans. BUT, there IS a problem with fans expecting that a show will follow the direction that they want it to.
Beyond just the fact that every fan experiences a show differently and has different characters who they love and hate, thus making it impossible for the show to cater to every fan, fans dictating the direction of a show only ends up, in my opinion, clouding the creative vision. I think Jeff Davis, showrunner of Teen Wolf, is an interesting case here. Jeff Davis is very tapped into his show's social media presence, and thus, is obviously aware of all of the crazy Sterek shippers out there. So he decided to throw them a bone and include some Sterek moments here and there out of appeasement. Nothing wrong with that (well, that's debatable I guess, but this is more of that sort of symbiotic stuff). But the problem was, it turned into "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" syndrome, where the Sterek fans now want more and have turned increasingly upset with the show for not making Sterek canon, even though, beyond throwaway moments and their own delusions (come at me Sterek shippers) there is clearly no basis for a romantic relationship between those two characters. This is a prime example of fans expecting a show to cater to them, and to an extent, Jeff Davis brought it on himself. It's the same sort of problem that causes so many major studio movies to be shitty nowadays: it's creativity by committee. Sometimes it works, but too often it ends up muddling the creative vision. And yes, while on TV, there is a certain element of creativity by committee anyways in a writer's room, there is always someone at the top with the dominant vision for the show. And arguing that, as a fan, your vision is superior to theirs is not just self-important, but it's only going to result in a watering down of the finished product. Yes, there can be flexibility in that person's vision that the fans can exert influence on, but it should never be the case where the flexibility overtakes the unique vision.
But it's not just shows where fans have gotten doses of creator appeasement that they are beginning to expect shows to cater to them. It seems to be the case with any popular element of a show's fandom, which, not to target them, but often ends up being shippers, that they've begun to expect that their narrative, because the most people believe in it, has to become the primary narrative. The Doccubus contingent in the Lost Girl fandom, or Sterek shippers, or the constant ship war that is Stelena vs. Delena on The Vampire Diaries, these powerful factions, because they are the loudest voices in the fandom, seem to think that their opinion of what the show is, simply because they are the loudest voices in the fandom, should be heard and if the show is not hearing them, it needs to apologize for not hearing them because they are the loudest voice and how could they NOT be right? But that isn't be the case. That's what fanfiction is for, expressing YOUR particular view of how you would want to see a show play out. But the idea that the writers must cater to fans is incredibly problematic to me, not only as someone who wants to write, but just as someone who loves TV with all of their heart. There's nothing wrong with headcanons, and being upset with shows for taking story turns that you consider bad, or being upset with shows because you feel like they are leading you on or toying with your emotions (something that I have frequently seen laid out by Doccubus shippers which, while I disagree, I can understand their point of view). But the notion that, because a show makes you upset or you feel like you are being toyed with, that you are owed an apology, is beyond ludicrous to me. Again, sorry to the OP, especially if you meant this in the usual tumblr hyperbolic way, but the idea of writers apologizing for their vision is something I have repeatedly seen on this site and it just grinds my gears to no end. If you're unhappy with a show, complain about the story, write fanfiction that rectifies it, or just stop watching it, but don't demand an apology for it, because you don't deserve one and you're not gonna get one.
Once Upon a Time - 2x17 - "Welcome to Storybrooke"
"I hope this episode has a lot of Ethan Embry." - me, and no one else ever.
1983. The Murder Woods of Maine. John Pyper-Ferguson and the kid from 1600 Penn (not Josh Gad) are out camping and talking about the Star Wars and generally being the type of people who are "not for me." Well John Pyper-Ferguson is for me, but only after he cuts his hair. (We're not related, I checked.) All of a sudden, there's a rumble in the (sort of) jungle and a bunch of purple smoke (which still looks ridiculous, in case you missed it), and being white people in their own mini-horror film, they hide in their tent instead of hopping into their ugly truck and gunning it. Once the smoke has passed (and their truck has been totaled , JPF and the kid (let's call him Doyle Standish instead of the actor's or character's actual name) see something they hadn't seen before, something that hadn't existed before -- Storybrooke (not to be confused with Storyville, the Eagleton to Storybrooke's Pawnee).
Yes, this week's flashbacks come in the form of the beginning of the Fairytopia curse to Storybrooke. It's pretty much a greatest hits of life pre-Emma ruining everything. Sheriff Sexxxy (the extra x's are for, well, you've seen him, right?) before he became Sheriff Crybaby! Ruby's hooker wear! Snow White teaching children and being beneficial to society but also touching random birds like a crazy person! Charming as a John Doe in a coma! Pongo loving Regina!
Ah, Regina. The only one who's aware of what is going on in this town. She, naturally, checks to make sure the curse worked. She visits M-squared at the elementary school and takes her to see Charming Doe, just to make sure. It worked. It all worked. Nobody remembers a thing, and they will be doomed to live this repetitive life day after day. After day. After day. You get the picture. It's good to be the queen, er, the mayor. Especially when you shop at the same place for night wear as not!Mariska Hargitay:
"I did it. I won." The touch, the feel of triumph (life's cotton). Maybe one day that'll actually be true for Regina.
But, yeah -- JPF and Doyle Standish still exist, now don't they? And JPF has quite a few questions, like: what even is this town that does not exist on a map? He doesn't ask why all of these people are dressed so bizarrely for 1983 (especially Sexxxy, bringing back the vest/tie combos I've missed oh so much), but it's probably because he doesn't get the chance when Regina is too busy wondering who the hell he and Doyle Standish are and what the hell they are doing in HER town. She's ready to be rid of them immediately, but after a few days of Groundhog Day realness (and a newfound appreciation for the Snow White that challenged her, not the M-squared who cowers in fear whenever she sees her), she welcomes the presence of JPF and Doyle Standish.
And when it comes to JPF, I guess you could say she wants the d. You could say that -- I know I will never say that again.
She invites the father-son duo to dinner at her house, and it's... Well... Proving that she is her mother's daughter, Regina clearly has no idea what JPF is talking about when he mentions "The Boss" (Bruce Springsteen, for those of you who are 12 years old or something) and it's pretty adorable. Less adorable is Doyle Standish insulting Regina's lasagna, but I'll give it a pass because it seems she just hadn't perfected the recipe yet. It was still extremely rude of the kid, but whatever. He also just busts out this...thing: "So... how come you're not a mom?" Because JPF hasn't taught him about manners or soemthing. Regina is smitten with the kid, and--
Dear Once Upon a Time,
I know you and I don't always see eye-to-eye, but we really need to have a conversation right now. There's a difference between being adorable and precocious and just straight-up being an asshole kid. Yeah, it's really necessary to call some of the kids on the show out as assholes. The only kid semi-regularly on this show who doesn't fit that bill is baby Snow. And it's because, even with all of her scenery chewing, she's never all "LOOK HOW WORLDLY AND ADORABLE I AM I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT ADULTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE ME". That shit ain't cute. That's why more parents need to spank their children. Henry being a little shit to Emma (who I don't even like) about her and other adults lying to him isn't worthy of respect. Adults lying to kids is the facts of goddamn life. Just ask Tootie and George Clooney. Kids don't need to be let in on every little thing, because they're kids, and they should be at least put in time-out when they start smarting off to their elders. And constantly running away to the Murder Woods or cities where biomoms who never wanted them live isn't "aw shucks" cute. It's a reason to ground the kid for a year. At least.
xoxo,
Gossip Fergs
--he totally wants her to be his new mom. So, clearly not realizing that things are a lot different in this world than it is in assbackwards Fairytopia, Regina asks JPF and Doyle Standish to give up their lives in New Jersey and move to Storybrooke to be with her. Doyle Standish is all about that life, but JPF shuts it down pretty quickly. Regina then tries to use Gus the Sexy Mouse to keep them in town, but when that fails, she uses Sheriff Sexxxy's heart as a walkie talkie to convince him to arrest JPF for drunk driving and bring Doyle Standish to her.
Her little plan fails when JPF spots her talking to the magic heart (he wanted to say goodbye to her, because he's a mostly decent human being), and then Sheriff Sexxxy shows up and he STILL TRIES TO ARREST JPF FOR DRUNK DRIVING EVEN THOUGH HE IS STANDING IN A ROOM AND CLEARLY NOT DRIVING. It's a hilarious sight gag. Well, not for JPF, but he escapes Sexxxy's clutches and drives off with Doyle Standish. High speed chase in a five-mile town! Sexxxy and Regina cut them off and arrest JPF, giving Regina the precocious child she wants. She wins yet again. But she sees how much this is not what Doyle Standish wants, and she lets him run away. (Doesn't do the same for JPF though, so let's see how that one pans out in the future.) It's even more heartbreaking (though the kid's acting tries really hard to take you out of it) when Doyle Standish returns with the cops and he can't see Storybrooke or Regina -- but she can see him.
And before we go to present day, just remember:
As the Coug would say: hurts so good.
Over in present day Storybrooke, M-squared is depressed in bed after the whole Cora killing thing (which Emma says "Mary-Margaret was... partially responsible for" Cora's death, because she insists on pissing me off) and David is using the whole "family" thing as a reason to make Gold help them stop Regina. Ugh. Just. Ugh. Screw everyone in this family who isn't M-squared. And M-squared actually killed my favorite character on this show!
Gold has the audacity to come and "pay his respects" to Cora, and Regina is, rightfully, offended by it. He's the other half of the reason why Cora is even dead in the first place. "Why don't you give up on this obsession with vengeance," Gold asks Regina. "You know it will never make you happy." 1. Replace "vengeance" with "Henry," and you might be on to something, buddy. 2. You're one to talk, "crocodile." 3. I apologize for the racial slur in 2. Regina, however, just replies with "Yes, it will." It didn't exactly work when the vengeance was the initial curse, but "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
Isn't it funny how that platitude is basically the same as the definition of insanity?
So Regina's plan this week is to kill M-squared (standard) and cast a spell on Henry, The Curse of the Empty-Hearted to make him love her. From the looks of it, it seems as though Cora may have left the spell behind for Regina as a fail-safe plan. God -- as if last week's episode didn't give me enough emotions over their whole relationship. "Thank you, mommy," Regina utters in response to her finding the spell in Cora's pocket. Thank you, mommy, indeed.
Speaking of mommies, this is one of those week's where Henry refers to Regina as his. Of course, he only does that when he wants something, and in this instance, he wants his "real" family not to kill her. Really, he just wants magic gone and all the fighting to stop. It's an admirable desire, but you just know he'll still treat Regina like shit if he got what he wants (I mean, he wanted magic and the like to be real in the first place, so...). So after running away from Neal (who wants to abduct him to "Manhanttan," "NY") at Granny's One Eg Diner, Henry steals some dynamite to blow up magic (well, the well in the Murder Woods).. Luckily, Ethan Embry is still in town (and Ruby is spitting in his takeout, I'm sure -- probably because she didn't think he was a convincing choice to play Sarah Shahi's brother in Fairly Legal), bumps into Henry, and calls Regina to let her know that her punk kid was running around looking shifty in the Murder Woods. Regina and Charming Incorporated show up to stop Henry from most likely blowing himself up (unfortunately), and it seems like the kid's finally gotten through to them about all this chaos.
Not that it matters, since M-squared finally gets out of the bed to show up at Regina's front door and beg her to finally kill her. It's pretty great and certainly the best acting Ms. Goodwin's gotten to do on this show in a long while. Regina pulls out M-squared's heart and shows it to her -- what was once the purest of hearts has now been darkened, and Regina returns it to her because it's only going to become a darker. A true punishment for the one known as Snow. You know who didn't have a dark heart though? Cora. It's a shame none of the protagonists thought about that before they committed unjustified murder.
It's also a shame none of these people (well, Regina) think to keep magic to themselves when Ethan Embry is still a character that exists in their town. He sees the whole thing, and also, "TWIST" -- ETHAN EMBRY IS DOYLE STANDISH, DOYLE STANDISH IS ETHAN EMBRY, WASN'TÂ DUTCHÂ SUCH A GOOD MOVIE?!?Â
So, that was another good (I know, right?) episode of Once Upon a Time. Got to grade this show on a curve, but it was great for backstory and once again making me Team Missundaztood (aka Team "Evil," but whatever). The twist could be seen a mile away, but this show has never really been good at not telegraphing twists. Regina calling out the fact that Henry is NOT Emma's son was great, but unfortunately, I know the show will continue to really say otherwise. Maybe she can finally replace him with Ethan Embry. He was her first choice, after all.
I haven't read any spoilers for next week's episode, but I realize the general consensus from the promo is that Nealfire's fiance Tamara is "HER" and she's coming to Storybrooke to try to take magic from it. Without any spoilers to sway me, I call bullshit. The promo in question reeks of editing misdirection and that Tamara couldn't possibly be in league with Ethan Embry. I don't know if the show or the ABC promo monkeys are smart enough for that type of misdirection, but I'm more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt for once, after these past couple of episodes.
One final thing: do you think anyone in Storybrooke is a hardcore Justin Timberlake fan? I bet Ruby and Whale are. I bet they've been bonding over The 20/20 Experience and are planning to go to see JT and Jay-Z in concert together this summer. Yeah.
Anger Management - 2x09 - "Charlie is an Expert Witness"/2x10 - "Charlie & Catholicism"
"Charlie is an Expert Witness"
"Charlie is an Expert Witness" opens not with an anger management session, but at the tail end of a Charlie/Kate banging session, which are just as prolific as the anger management ones but nowhere near as wanted by the recapper. Unlike every other time Charlie has sex with a woman on this show (not counting not!Rena Sofer, the recapper supposes -- and you can re-read that episode's recap to make up for the fact that the recapper didn't write about the Once Upon a Time episode with the actual Rena Sofer), Kate's not impressed by his sexual prowess. *GASP* In fact, her critique of this latest trip to the bone zone is a lackluster "That was...sex." *LAUGHTER* Then Charlie makes a baseball metaphor (that the recapper doesn't get...at all -- although she does get the part about a "gap," because vaginas and *LAUGHTER*) about sex and oh how there is *LAUGHTER*. The recapper wants to know if there's any way to put a stop to the Charlie Goodson, sex god (or even sex duke) characterization. Since Charlie Sheen no longer looks like this --
-- and instead looks more like this --
-- from certain angles/with certain lighting, it just doesn't work. Unless you're one of his "goddesses." Don't do drugs, kids.
Once all the sex with Charlie talk is out of the way, Kate informs him that she's in the running to be an expert witness for a big trial. You see, Kate has a doctorate. In fact, this episode goes out of its way to say that -- and to say that Charlie doesn't. Way to lie to the recapper, Wikipedia. Charlie Goodson does NOT have a PhD. Always remember that. Retroactively.
While double-checking the allpartial-knowing Wikipedia, the recapper also learned that Julie Benz was up for the role of Jen (confirmed by Deadline). On a slightly related note, the recapper hopes that Defiance is a smash hit for SyFy.
So Kate has a doctorate, and Charlie does not. In fact, she's just much better at therapizing than Charlie is, so of course she'd be the perfect expert witness, while he'd be... the perfect guy who makes unintelligible baseball metaphors for sex on occasion. It's basically another episode where Charlie gets up in arms about Kate being a robot without real human emotions and then tries to find a way for her to fight her robot programming to stroke his ego. You know -- every episode of Anger Management. Charlie's ears perk up when Kate tells him that the public defender she'd be working with is a woman (because, you know -- ladies man), but he immediately realizes that she was his public defender when he got into a bar fight during his baseball days (*LAUGHTER*...from the recapper, because that is her reaction everytime Charlie Sheen being a baseball player outside of Major League is a thing), and he banged her, only to never call her back. *LAUGHTER* Still, Charlie meets with the public defender, throwing Kate under the bus in order to get the gig. *LAUGHTER*
Anger management session. It's the first scene after the Anger Management title card, and Ed is describing how he tricked out (the recapper's words, not his) his den. Patrick, being Patrick, annoyingly interjects. *LAUGHTER* Charlie, being Charlie (a man without a doctorate), refers to this as a "man cave." Ah, that's what life is all about. There is, however, a problem: Ed's wife is in that damn..."man cave" more than he is. Like, she told him he needed a plant in there (which doesn't seem very manly, because photosynthesis is for women), so now she's always in the room, taking care of the plant and talking to it (because she's probably senile). Actually, she's talking to him, not the plant (*LAUGHTER*) -- she's lonely and she wants to do things with him, the dumb woman. Lacey volunteers to help Ed out if he pays her 500 bucks (for a pair of shoes *LAUGHTER*) (*LAUGHTER*), but Charlie squashes that instantly. Ruining everyone's fun this week, that guy. And then he keeps Nolan behind after the session because he's noticed that Nolan's been having trouble getting his thoughts out in group. And in case you didn't watch the episode, which is very likely, the only example of this being true was Lacey telling Nolan to shut up when he tried to respond to Ed's "man cave" dilemma (*LAUGHTER*) -- the type of thing she does to him literally every week. But Charlie still suggests that Nolan use art as an outlet and gives him homework -- paint whatever frustrates or humiliates him. Nolan. You know, "like the way [he's] been singled out for this assignment" *LAUGHTER*.
So because Charlie is the worst, Kate decides to become an expert witness for the prosecution. *LAUGHTER* This announcement is made after Kate gives Charlie a congratulatory cupcake...and then busts out an even bigger one. *LAUGHTER* Naturally, cupcakes = penises, according to the humor provided by this show (*LAUGHTER*), but the recapper can't deny that she would love to try out a cupcake as big as the one Kate has.
Charlie Goodson is an evil man (as proven by the destruction of the big penis, er, cupcake), so he gets what's coming to him in the end of this plot. During the trial, Kate (working the intellectual glasses and #pantsuitrealness, by the way) gets the upperhand by being competent. It's absurd. Also absurd is the fact that the show doesn't make Charlie (who also wears intellectual glasses as an expert witness) wear glasses all the time. It helps a lot with the whole looking like something out of the Elisha Cuthbert/Chad Michael Murray incest o'clock version of House of Wax. Charlie, however, is goaded by the prosecution into an anger episode, because the DA got the memo that the show really needs to drive home the fact that Charlie doesn't have a doctorate this week. However, the outburst actually works with Charlie's argument, and once Kate sees that this whole thing is backfiring on her, she goes with Plan B -- announcing to the whole courtroom that she and Charlie are banging and that this must be ruled a mistrial. Of course, when the judge asks about their relationship, Kate's reluctant to call actually it by that word, but since the judge apparently comes from a world that's not in this show's universe (maybe even a world where there is more than one bar), he categorizes it as such and allows the mistrial. *WOMP WOMP* *LAUGHTER ABOUNDS*
Back in anger management session stuff, Nolan creates a work of art (called "The Way I Feel Inside") that basically looks like, well, this:
PATRICK:Â This is one of those things where you either love it... or you're sane. *LAUGHTER*
Lacey's reaction, surprisingly (unless you understand how an episode of a sitcom works), loves Nolan's art and asks if she can have it. *LAUGHTER* He gives it to her, and in case you really don't know how an episode of a sitcom work, she goes back and sells it to Ed for that 500 bucks to keep his wife out of the (ugh) "man cave." *WOMP WOMP WOMP IT UP* *LAUGHTER*
Wrapping things up, the recapper was originally planning to write a paragraph just ranting about Jen bringing a basket of laundry into Charlie's house simply to have a reason for her to be in the scene. But after a week of not thinking about it at all, she's decided it's for the better that this is all she says about it.
Oh, and Michael Boatman was in the episode, being Michael Boatman.
And finally, because you all wanted to be kept in the loop, there were two living room session to kitchen scenes this week and none vice versa.
"Charlie & Catholicism"
Just reading the title of this episode, I was worried. The synopsis eased my worries a bit -- "Charlie gets into an argument with Martin after he finds out he had Sam baptized behind his back." -- but this is still an episode of Anger Management that we're talking about. Plus, it's an episode with Martin, who is unfortunately the weakest link of the Goodson clan (Jen might be a failure of an adult human being, but she doesn't bring episodes to a screeching halt).
Here's the thing -- it sucks when mediocre shows (sitcoms, in particular) show some sort of gravitas. You'd think that would be a good thing, but actually, knowing that a show that's often bad CAN do well when it wants to just makes it more upsetting that it often chooses to go to stick to the bottom of the barrell. It's what happened in the first season of Whitney, where at the end of the season, it handled the coming out of a bisexual male character (and a regular on the show) surprisingly well. And not just well "for the show" -- for any show, really. Of course, all of that progress went away when the second season started, where it was played for *LAUGHTER* (thanks to Maulik Pancholy leaving the show to return to 30 Rock's final season). And Whitney even tried again, to a lesser extent, this season with Natasha Leggero as Whitney's trans half-sister, but it didn't quite stick the landing that time. So seeing an episode about religion on Anger Management, of all shows, be handled relatively well is quite the surprise. Sure, the show is still nothing to write home about (unless you're me, apparently), but for approximately 30 minutes, the show let us in on a little secret -- there are capable writers on this show. I'd forgotten about it, but in the first season, Sam's OCD got a decent featured episode, so it's not like it was the show's first attempt at "something more."
I've got to be honest with you guys (and trust that I always will be when it comes to these recaps) -- I spent a good two minutes of the first scene this episode thinking that Lacey's sister Sateen was played by Demi Lovato. My notes, verbatim: "Is this Demi Lovato? I'm not 100% sure I know what Demi Lovato looks like, and I watched like 5 episodes of X-Factor last season." I then just fast-forward to the end of the episode, and the credits dashed my hopes and dreams by informing me that Schuyler Helford. Then, of course, my reaction was "Is that Bruce Helford's daughter?" (Which reminded me that Bruce Helford runs Anger Management. And from my brief Bing research, it would appear that she is, in fact, Bruce Helford's daughter.) I know it might seem like I'm not a fan of multi-camera sitcoms, especially since there's such a stigma to them these days, but that's not the case -- I just hate BAD multi-camera sitcoms. Last year, I watched the first 8 seasons (there were 9, and I'm still planning on watching that last one) of The Drew Carey Show, which was co-created by Bruce Helford. I don't know how many people know this, but The Drew Carey Show was actually a good fucking show that had more of an impact on comedy (especially single-camera, surprisingly) than I had remembered or even expected. And it was, at times, very bizarre. In fact, I think it was the type of bizarre that I want Anger Management to be. If you read Bruce Helford's IMDB page, it might seem like The Drew Carey Show might have been a fluke in quality (and that and maybe Norm should've been the only "show centered around an actor basically playing themself" he created), but there's still an optimism in the fact that if he could make as good of a show as that, he should be able to work with the talented cast and crew that he has to make Anger Management not suck.
But, yeah.
So... about the actual episode. I actually enjoyed the opening scene and not just because it was an anger management session (you know how I feel about those opening the show -- if not, see every single Anger Management recap that I've written). Part of that was the fact that the show listened to me and switched up the seating, with Lacey's sister Sateen sitting next to Lacey and putting Patrick in the middle of Nolan and Ed. The "-ist Jar" is back too! (But they don't even use it when Ed asks Lacey and Sateen if their parents picked their names out of an underwear drawer. *LAUGHTER*) And then, I chuckled:
LACEY: (to Sateen)Â It's about how angry you are and how I don't want you to end up like me. Telling your problems to a bunch of losers in some horrible living room in the Valley. *LAUGHTER*
PATRICK:Â Excuse me. I take offense to the term "loser," but I do agree with "horrible living room in Valley." *LAUGHTER*
CHARLIE:Â Where do all you people live, like, Versailles? *LAUGHTER* *MY CHUCKLE*
The chuckle stemmed from the fact that I technically lived in the Valley (Burbank) for three years, and you know what? I loved it. I MET JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IN A POPEYE'S. I SAW KRISTEN BELL AND DAX SHEPARD RIDING BIKES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD ON A SUNDAY MORNING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. It's not like I lived in Pasadena, thank god. YOU'RE NOT BETTAH THAN ME!
Then I proceeded to smile through the rest of the scene, which was mostly just Lacey and Sateen back and forth, aka my second favorite Anger Management spin-off, after Kate's HBO dark comedy.
In the background, Jen enters the house just as the session is winding down, no laundry basket in sight. And this time, she actually has a reason to talk to him (complete with a living room to kitchen scene transition) -- Martin manipulated her into letting Charlie know that he wants to have some father-son bonding time. *LAUGHTER* Cue "Cat's in the Cradle" (Delocated style). And it's such a TV thing. Literally every episode of Anger Management with Martin has the man making Charlie's life miserable -- the old man should be dead to him. Of course, that doesn't bring the *LAUGHTER*, now does it? Not for most people, I suppose. Charlie agrees to watch football with the old bastard on Sunday, and, well, enter the actual plot -- Martin, who's apparently gotten super Catholic since being a slut and a drug dealer earlier in the season, wants to join the family for church before the game. See, Charlie might have told Martin that they go to church every week, so they go to the closest Catholic church they can find -- the Mexican church. *LAUGHTER* Martin is NOT amused, and it gets worse when Charlie lets it slip that Sam isn't baptized. Seriously, Martin gets all hell fire and brimstone about this, and he even bonds with Ed about the fact that Charlie is condemning his daughter to the pits of Hell. So, of course, the old man come up with an idea -- have Martin secretly take Sam to get baptized. Martin actually uses Sam's OCD to convince her to convert to Catholicism, since all that religion really is is a bunch of rituals. Blah blah Charlie's upset but eventually accepts that being a Catholic is what makes Sam happy blah.
Straightforward episode of Anger Management, but the thing that makes it "good" is the way that Charlie and Jen handle the whole religion thing. Their problem is never the actual concept of religion -- they just don't want to pressure her to be any specific religion. They want Sam to be exposed to different religions, then make an informed decision about what she wants. And the fact that the episode ends with Charlie accepting his daughter's decision is great. I don't think I'm selling this episode as well as I want to, so here, these are screencaps of Selma Blair dressed as Catholic school girl and the devil:
*LAUGHTER*
Also, "Sateen" is like "Satan." (If you're cool, you'll read "Satan" as "Satin" like you're watching the only Stella short I seem ever to reference.) I just got that.
Does anyone there in AlltheTV-land watch Red Widow? What are your thoughts on it so far?
Sorry anon, but we're not. I watched the pilot a while ago and I juszzzzzzzzzz, oh, sorry, I fell alseep just thinking about how boring I found it. Plus, with the ratings, it's not looking like it's even worth trying to catch it. Sorry.
Apologies for the lateness on this week's recap and the complete absence of the week before's. A new, frustrating job and computer problems are friends to no watcher of all the TV.
So something strange happened during this week's Once Upon a Time: I felt a human emotion other than complete rage over the episode. Sure, the rage was still there for various reasons, but there were moments when I actually felt what the show wanted me to feel, because the show earned the right to have me feel that way. It's perhaps no surprise that this was a Jane Espenson-penned Once Upon a Time, since I've made it clear that she knows her stuff.
Depending on the material, it really doesn't take a lot to get me to cry over a TV show. I think I cried during an episode of The Colbert Report once. For all my problems with Lost, the show could evoke such a tearful response from me under the right circumstances.* And for a lesser (but similar, for the obvious creative reasons) show like Once Upon a Time, I thought it would be impossible for the show to get any tears out of me -- other than tears of laughter. But "Once Upon a Babe" Barbara Hershey said "screw that" and found a way to make me tear up in her last few living, non-fairyback moments on this show.
So I would qualify this episode of Once Upon a Time as one of the good ones. Yes, it still had a lot of the problems that Once Upon a Time has, in general, and I will bring attention to them. But this was definitely one of the series' finer hours in terms of the fairybacks and the general mythology surrounding our lead heroes and villains.
First of all, let me just make it clear that Rose McGowan's acting doesn't work for me a lot of the time outside of Jawbreaker. I feel like she's often too hammy, especially in the last few seasons of Charmed. But she wasn't terrible here, even though I was expecting her to be from her first scene (and at one point I could sense the Charmed hamminess, but it went away just as quickly as it appeared). A big part of me feels like they should've saved Cassidy Freeman for the role of young Cora instead of Jack the Giant Killer, but McGowan was far more passable here than she was as, say, a recast Katee Sackhoff in Nip/Tuck.
"The Miller's Daughter" opens with a fairyback to the mill of said miller and his daughter. Apparently, the miller was a complete drunk, and it's kind of a shame we couldn't see more of that, because this first scene is the only time we see the guy. Then again, it's a non-evil biological parent on Once that was being painted in a negative light for once, so naturally the show wouldn't focus on that. Back in the day, Cora was Rose McGowan, and she wanted something more than this provincial life. She was also tripped by asshat royals on occasion -- specifically a young Eva, pre-Snow White conception. Remember in "The Queen Is Dead" (the episode right before this one, which I sadly could not recap), when Rena Sofer!Eva was telling baby Snow to be good to those in their kingdom? That was a load of crap, apparently. Complete high school mean girl, that one. Eva (who is to be wed to the prince) and the king (how does the monarchy work in Fairytopia, will we ever know, where is the flow chart?) are all about embarrassing Cora, but she is not about that life. The prince tries to get them to let up on the poor miller's daughter, but they continue to act in a way that means that if Cora all of a sudden asked, "You know what I like about rich kids?" and punched Eva, then through gritted teeth announced "Nothing," no one would blame her.
(Rumpelstiltskin is a total Marissa Cooper when you think about it.)
(By the way, way to make yet another Big Bad sympathetic through these flashbacks, Once Upon a Time. Now if only you could do that for the protagonists...)
So since Jessy Schram will probably never be back on Once Upon a Time, ever again -- even though she's, you know, technically an important character in the pantheon of Disneyfied fairytales -- young Cora gets her A Cinderella Story: Starring Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray moment by showing up to the king's masquerade ball. The prince is all about it, but the king, of course, is a dick. Blah blah "The Miller's Daughter" realness: Cora dumbly says she can turn straw into gold, as you do. Next time some rich dude is a complete dick to me for no reason, I'm going to say I can turn toilet paper into Canadian "money." So the king locks her in the highest dungeon known to man so she can get to work on her badass straw-spinning skills. Enter Rumpelstiltskin, looking like he just got a fresh coat of gold paint to make him look...something. As usual, he has a deal set -- this time, he'll turn the straw to gold in exchange for Cora's firstborn. Cora, showing more brains than everyone else Rumpel typically makes a deal with, instead convinces him to teach her how to turn the straw to gold herself. Yes, Rumpelstiltskin is responsible for Cora learning to use magic, just like he's responsible for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Kanye and Kim, "Once More With Feeling" not winning an Emmy -- the list goes on, I'm sure. Everything about these fairybacks is going so well, so naturally, the show has to muck up the works by having Rumpelstiltskin tell Cora that magic comes from a place of deep emotion, especially anger and resentment and all that fun jazz. If that were really the case the whole time, don't you think there'd be a lot more magic users in Fairytopia, especially among the peasants? Wait, I forgot -- the peasants of Fairytopia prefer that life to our world. My bad.
Whatever, the point of this all is that, yet again, Rumpelstiltskin is responsible for all bad things that happen to everything and everyone at all times always. Literally the catalyst for everything that happens on this show is Rumpelstiltskin. That's definitely a problem, but now is not the time for problems -- now is the time for Fairytopia.
So Cora learns magic from Rumpelstiltskin, and it's all very sexual, because I guess fairytale bronzer really does it for some ladies. The gold is spun, and Cora is now the prince's bride-to-be. Suck a million, Eva! But now that they've got magic and each other, Rumpelstiltskin wants to run away with Cora and be crazy in love like Jay and Bey. He even reneges on the firstborn deal, because the power of love is a curious thing, etc. But first, Cora wants revenge on the king for how much of a jerk he was to her. Cora confronts the king, but dude flips the script by first referring to Rumpz as an "evil imp," randomly admitting that his genuinely decent son isn't really worth loving, and telling her that love is weakness, plain and simple. Cora's response? "If the choice is love or power, then even having a heart is a liability." Preach. You can probably tell where this is going -- Cora returns to Rumples, only to break the news to him that she is marrying the prince and going to get dat power she's heard so much. Oh, and she removed her own heart, thanks to the magic she learned from him, so she could actually go through with this. Rumpus Room gets pissy and goes back to the whole "you owe me your firstborn" thing, but Cora reminds him that he got rid of that whole stipulation, the dummy. This is what Rumplypuff gets for only going after girls that are the same type as his bipolar wife.
Then Cora gets married and plans her convoluted ascension to the top (be lucky I didn't do a recap for "The Queen Is Dead" -- it would be one long rant about how convoluted Cora's long con was to get both Regina and herself to the top of the Fairytopia mountain). She also gives birth to Regina, who may or may not be Once Upon a Time's version of Simba:
So the fairybacks -- they were pretty great, to be honest. As were all of the Cora scenes in the present. But those weren't the only scenes in this episode, of course. So here we go with the present day shenanigans...
Emma and her band of merry misfits are on their way back to Storybrooke from "Manhattan," and there's nothing more ridiculous than the image of Nealfire (and, ugh, Henry) steering the goddamn Jolly Roger. That is, until Emma reminds us "adoption - BOO! blood relation - YAY!" with this little chestnut: "We're family now. I'm going to save you." So Rumpelgoldskin may still be an evil bastard, but unlike Regina, he has a blood relation to the inner circle, so all is forgiven!
I'm not even going to try to spend as much time on this stuff as I did the fairybacks:
Regina and Cora apparently put a tap on M-squared's phone. That alone would have been the best part of the scene, if it weren't for Cora calling the phone tap an "enchanted box." Praise Cora's light for being the only one in awe of the 21st century. Especially since Hook hasn't reacted to his new surroundings even a little.
"And the whole point of this is... Wait. What is the point of all this?" Regina FINALLY asks her mother why they're even doing what they're doing, instead of calling a lawyer or child services. The point is to destroy Gold, since he ruins the fourth of everything, and for Cora to become the dark one.
The thing is... Cora's aim is true. After all of this, she honestly has no ulterior motive when it comes to her endgame and Regina. After all this time, Cora honestly was trying to give Regina the best life possible. She just went about in literally the most heartless way.
Ruby gets stuck with Henry duty for the day. Fingers crossed Intelligence gets picked up to series, because Meghan Ory needs to be a star, like, yesterday. #CANADA
INVISIBLE. CHALK.
M-squared has the purest heart of anyone David knows, because adultery ain't no thang.
M-squared wants to kill Cora, because Cora killed her mom (who, again, was apparently a huge B) as part of her long con. M-squared is a "good guy."
David is useless except for when it comes to getting thrown across the room by magic.
Ginny Goodwin is a hilarious runner. It's ridiculous.
Gold calls [Not] Belle in his (supposedly) last moments, and at no point does she flip her shit and start throwing innocent tea cups around the place. Progress.
There was an almost touching scene between Baelfire and a dying Gold that would've made me emotional if it weren't for Gold being the cause of every bad that happens to himself.
CORA GOT HER HEART BACK AND THEN THE LOOK SHE GAVE REGINA WAS THE SINGLE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF THIS DUMB SHOW AND I TEARED UP AND THEN M-SQUARED KILLED HER AND I HATE EVERYTHING BARBARA HERSHEY WAS THE LEGIT BEST PART OF THIS SHOW THIS IS LIKE GIVING ANGEL BACK HIS SOUL AND KILLING HIM RIGHT AFTER AND HE DIDN'T EVEN OPEN UP ACATHLA THIS TIME
And then M-Squared has a late change of heart and comes back to stop things 10 SECONDS AFTER ALL OF THE THINGS HAD ALREADY HAPPENED
If you didn't think Regina had a good enough reason to hate Snow before, she definitely does now.
In conclusion, good episode...for Once Upon a Time. But as usual, the show's general problems get in the way.
*Speaking of Lost, I've gotten to the real route of my problems with Once Upon a Time's protagonists. They're basically all just Jack Shephard Redux, especially Emma. I loathe Jack Shephard. Up there with Smallville's Lana Lang for me.
A Weekly Descent Into Madness: Nate Hatewatches ABCFamily Mondays, 3/11/13
You see, we here at AllTheTV are convinced that there is a great schism within ABCFamily headquarters. A civil war has brewed, you see, between the overly earnest, the sort of people who greenlight shows like this one and The Secret Life Of The American Teenager, and the trolls, the kings and queens behind such cray-tertainment as Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game. (If you are wondering where Bunheads fits into this dichotomy, the answer is neither- it was clearly greenlit as a favor to a network executives mentally handicapped relative). Now, even true fans of Switched At Birth have to acknowledge that sometimes its earnestness is its downfall. But after tonight, we can hopefully no longer worry about that. Because, you see, with tonightâs installment, I have a hopeful prediction to make: the trolls have taken over Switched At Birth.
I mean, one need just look at any of the multiple moments of absolute ridiculousness this episode to see it. Like, honestly, this episode had me laughing from start to finish, and actually enjoying an episode of this show was a new and weird and not entirely unlikable experience. If the show wants to be this ridiculous at all times, please, do it. This much ridiculata even scattered across a few episodes would make me happy, you donât need to pack it all into one. But they did, and there are so many to choose from so Iâm just going to close my eyes and point to my notes to pick the first one at random:
TOBY AND NIKKI (AND JESUS) GOT ENGAGED.
Even going into this episode, I thought that the three person relationship between Toby, Nikki, and Jesus was one of my comically favorite things about this show. Like, I get the whole âreligion meets relationshipâ issue and what the show was trying to do, but like Toby is such a milquetoast character that him being the one who was having relationship issues because he didnât love Jesus enough was just kind of this great background comic fodder. And then this episode happened, and Iâve never found his character more enjoyable or funnier. You see, Nikkiâs gonna go to Peru to teach English and Music to adorable third-world moppets and also teach âem all about Jesus. Toby wants to go, until he hears the Jesus part. Nikkiâs gonna be gone for six months, all alone with Jesus, and Toby knows that a three person relationship only works when all three are present and itâs not just two, one of them generally only wearing sandals and a sarong and also being the messiah. Like, six months of that and Toby wonât stand a chance. So what does he do? HE PROPOSES TO HER. THEY GET ENGAGED. TOBY AND NIKKI GET ENGAGED BECAUSE THEY âLOVEâ EACH OTHER AFTER ONLY BEING BACK TOGETHER FOR A FEW DAYS AFTER THEY BROKE UP PREVIOUSLY BECAUSE NIKKI COULDNâT HANDLE THAT TOBY WASNâT DOWN WITH JCC (YEAH YOU KNOW ME). You know your plans are dumb when even John and Kathryn point out that he was in a hot tub with a topless crazy girl like a week ago. And credit where creditâs due, John and Kathrynâs reactions to this are hilarious (Iâm sad we only saw their reactions quite frankly). Because they, like any sane person, see that TOBY AND NIKKI ARE BEING COMPLETELY INSANE. Toby and Kathryn try their damnedest to talk them out of it, but at the end of the episode, this plotline is still going, promising hilarity to come. Speaking of hilarityâŠ
DRUNK SEDUCTIONS 101 WITH REGINA
Regina, bless her addictâs heart, is still sticking with the story that sheâs not reverting back to a raging boozehound. She denies it to Daphne (who stupidly buys Reginaâs lie- cmon Daphne), and then goes to see Zane and sends back the glass of wine that she CLEARLY ordered once he sits down with her (because sheâs pretending to him like she doesnât have a problem), only to hear the âletâs slow our roll because your life is clearly about to devolve into a giant mess which for the record means it's not me, itâs youâ speech from him, so then she gets plastered and goes to Angeloâs and tries to drunkenly seduce him and it is the funniest. Thing. Ever. And also a little sad, but the funny way outweighs the sad because it is all just so comically awkward. So Angeloâs like âHey babe go lie down on that couch Iâll totally be over there in a minute to have some snuggle time JK youâll pass out immediatelyâ to her and then he contacts the girls and Adrianna and arranges to have Regina shipped off to rehab. Meanwhile, while Angelo is dealing with the Regina of it all, he asks Bay to take Lana to a doctorâs appointment, only when she rolls up, Lana is going into labor, so Bay drives her to the hospital, and Lana and Bay have a heart to heart about Angeloâs parenting skills when Bay mentions that heâs basically parenting Regina rn which all leads toâŠ
LANA ABSCONDING WITH THE FUCKING BABY
BECAUSE YEP, THAT HAPPENS. LANA, WHO ALL SEASON DID NOT WANT TO KEEP HER BABY. LANA, WHO WAS GOING TO GIVE IT UP FOR ADOPTION BUT COULDNâT GET ANGELO TO SIGN AWAY HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS. LANA, WHO CONTINUALLY PROFESSED HER LACK OF FEELINGS FOR ANGELO EXCEPT MORNING SICKNESS BC HE KNOCKED HER UP. SHE RAN AWAY WITH THE FUCKING BABY AFTER FINDING OUT THAT ANGELO AND REGINA ARE STILL INEXTRICABLY LINKED. Like, I donât know if she ran away to give it up for adoption or what, but I just about died of laughter at this last minute twist. The only way this twist would be funnier is if Toby (remember how invested Toby was in Lanaâs uterus?) kidnapped them to steal the baby to raise it in his new family with Nikki. What else was thereâŠ
JOHN KENNISH: UNELECTED OFFICIAL
Johnâs opponent decided she needed to drop out of the race because her crazy daughter, who is crazy and therefore a breath of fresh air on this show, is actually crazy and needed her attention. Which means John has won his race, something youâd think heâd be excited about, but nope, he doesnât actually want to be in politics. What a rich white dude, amirite? Anyways, talk about a lucky break, because John really was embracing his inner Jack Donaghy and doing pretty much everything in his power to tank the campaign (I mean, come on, letâs not forget how terrible Baconishâs billboard was that he wanted to approve). So then Kathryn has to cheer him up and I hope this is all building towards Kathryn deciding the way to alleviate her boredom next season is to go full Lady Macbeth and be the voice in Johnâs ear telling him what to do, since he sure as hell doesnât want to do it himself.
THE SHADE OF IT ALL
So many snapz and deaf smackdowns were thrown out tonight that it is hard to keep track of who was best and/or most ridiculous. There was Baconish throwing out âKim Jong Daphneâ after being scolded by Daphne for giving a quote, i.e. being a hearing spokesperson for the deaf community i.e. exactly what they were trying to avoid. There was Bay, after finding out that Noah actually did have feelings for Daphne, asking her if she needed anything else âMilk? Eggs? MY BOYFRIEND?â which was just so ridiculous you couldnât help but laugh. Then there was Daphne laying the deaf smackdown on her in retaliation. But my favorite moment had to be Daphne, talking about her own failure to see Reginaâs alcoholism âHow could I not see the signs? Bay saw them.â Subtle shade is the best kind.
So yeah, this episode of Switched At Birth was actually kind of amazing, in every way that Iâm sure ABCFamily did not intend. I mean, was it a perfect episode? No. Travis didnât die a painful death and was even on screen being his usual the worst self. Emmett didnât get a face transplant and stop looking like a Gremlin. Melody⊠still exists. But if this is the sort of show Switched At Birth might be going forward, I may need to rename this feature from âA Weekly Descent Into Madnessâ to âA Weekly Descent Into Hilarityâ. This season of Switched At Birth has undoubtedly been maddening (TOLERANCE RETREAT <-- and don't forget the Chef Jeff Chronicles - L), but this ending makes it all almost worth it in a weird way. Go forth and troll, show. I will be there to enjoy it.
Worst Character of the Night: I mean, Travis, by default, because a) he is actually still the absolute worst and b) everyone else had moments of trolly enjoyability tonight.
Thing Least Deserving Of Hatred Of The Night: There are too many things to choose just one. I mean, read the piece folks. I actually enjoyed tonightâs Switched At Birth. Again, probably not for the reasons they intended, but still, if you had told me at the beginning of this season that I would legitimately enjoy an episode of the show by the end, I probably would have slapped you in the face then myself in the face preemptively. But I did. And now, I look forward to trolling heights yet to come.
Ultimately, a script was written in which Applegate, Arnett and Rudolph played actors portraying the characters Reagan, Chris and Ava on a fictional show called Up All Night. Off the show-within-a-show, Arnett's character would live at home with his mother, and Applegate's would be dating. Rudolph's real-life pregnancy was being written into the storyline â and included a "who's the daddy?" twist.
These are real things that a real network wanted to do with a real show. ("Inside the Demise of 'Up All Night'")
So, based on the ratings, I'm guessing none of you watch Body of Poop Proof. But you all should, no, NEED to watch this week's episode (currently up on Hulu). Should you choose to watch it, and I don't understand why you wouldn't, these are some of the things you will be treated to:
Dana Delaney being a complete and utter bitch to everyone for no particular reason (except that that is her entire character and it's also hysterical)
Mark Valley, continuing his streak of picking projects doomed to failure
Tim DeKay as a Jesus freak.
Tim DeKay's wife and children dressed like Sister Wives because that is what this show thinks Jesus freaks dress like even when they don't live on polygamist Mormon compounds.
Tim DeKay thinking that multiple of his children are possessed by the devil as punishment for his grandfather murdering his entire family because he thought they were possessed by the devil (A+ logic Tim DeKay)
Tim DeKay performing an exorcism.
Said exorcism going comically awry.
A reminder of what, to use J-Love-Hew's pronunciation, Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaayhhhhhhhhlllllll from The Boobs Client List looks like (before this Sunday's season 2 premiere which you also all need to watch).
Kaaaaaaaaaaayhhhhhhhhhhlllllll gettin his pedo on with a sister wife (What would J-Love-Hew think?)
Dana Delaney proves that the devil doesn't exist.
OR DOES HE?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! CLIFFHANGER'D
Except not since it makes no sense and I'm sure they'll never address it again.
So really folks, if you just read that list, and you haven't already clicked over to Hulu to watch it, well, then, why are you following us? Why do you even own a TV? Go read a book or something, nerd.
