My dog has bitten me twice. The bigger scar is a remnant of muddled tissue in the shape of a pattern I'm not able to describe.
The other remains as dots on skin. Like the moles that decorate my arms and collarbones, palms and chest.
Constellations.
A mixture of black and white in chocolate skin.
I can barely see it at night but when the sun shines just right I see the four indentures right on top of veins, bone and muscle. Dots.
That's all that will remain of her. All that I'll have to prove she was ever real when she's no longer around. Tangible. More than just a fragment of my perception and more than the animal I've photographed again and again.
“Two months to seventeen, two dead parents, & an aunt who looks worried because we both know, without my father without his help life as we’ve known it has ended.” (pg. 75)
What becomes of a young girl's life without her protector, and what happens when lies unravel? Loss, mourning, faith, sexual harassment, economic problems, and having to grow up too quickly are some central themes the American poet, novelist, and National Poetry Slam Champion, Elizabeth Acevedo, focuses on in this book. Clap When You Land (2020) is the story about two young Dominican sisters, separated by birth and distance, whose lives are turned upside down when news of their fathers' sudden death arrives one tragic afternoon. Throughout the story, up until chapter “Camino: Twenty-Two Days After”, we follow both Yahaira Ríos and Camino as they struggle to come to terms with their new reality and the challenges that they will have to face as teenage black Latin women in their respective environments.
In Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic, Camino faces the uncertainty of what's to come in every aspect of her life. Through her eyes we learn of the discrimination Domincans hold against Haitian people, the economic difficulties that plague the Dominican Republic, the impact tourism has had on the land and its agriculture, and the divisions of classes. We are shown that money doesn't only buy gates and power plants, but also security from the prying eyes of men. As readers, we are left to reflect on the importance of education and the struggles that arise without it. Camino isn't white, she isn't poor, she isn't rich enough, she is a black oddity, and she has no one except her aunt and uncle. What is to become of her? At the young age of 16, Camino is a child who hasn’t only lost both her parents but also her sense of stability. She wonders if she will achieve her all-American dream of studying at Columbus University to become a doctor, or if she will have to walk the same unfortunate path as most of the girls on the island. Harassed by men double her age, selling her body for the next plate of food, and pregnant by the age of 17. It is through Camino's perspective that we are forced to see the harsh reality that unravels in the Dominican Republic; a reality not so far from our own.
Meanwhile, in Morningside Heights, New York, Yahaira Rios' academic life, as well as her emotional health, has been on a sudden decline. In the three weeks after her father's passing Acevedo focuses on portraying how Papi’s secret has been eating away at Yahaira. How the girl needs to control her words to not poison her family; how she needs to uplift her mother even though she wishes her own life would stop; how she feels trapped in a house where everything reminds her of her two-faced loving father. But even though Yahairas’ side of the story centers on more internal struggles, there are instances where external societal ones are highlighted as well. Such as her being sexually harassed by a man on the train and the killing/death of young black kids in her community; both of which are a constant in our current society. The latter one being particularly relevant concerning the George Floyd protests led by the Black Lives Matter movement back in 2020.
Another element that stands out throughout both the girls' perspectives is cultural and religious customs. The main faith practiced in the Dominican Republic is Roman Catholicism, and this expands to the girl's life. While Camino is praying La Hora Santa with her neighbors, Yahaira is having family gatherings to mourn Papi and trying to decipher the dichotomy of death, as Acevedo establishes with the line “Did God win? Did Papi lose?” (pg. 85). Acevedo also delves into the Santeria practices, sharing views on it and even including a Santeria Ceremony at the end of chapter “Camino: Twenty-Two Days After," where Camino has the opportunity to pray herself free. These moments, although seemingly irrelevant to the major plot, hold great significance to the story because they provide us a way to understand certain details of the girls moral compass and intrafamilial life.
What becomes of a young girl's life without her protector? A whirlwind of great perhaps. What happens when lies unravel? They consume. Clap When You Land may seem like a story about death and loss, but is a story about survivors. Whether it's Camino, her aunt or Carline back in the Dominican Republic or Yahaira, her mother or Dre in New York. Every woman in this story has been affected by the loss of Papi, thrown to the uncertainty and consumed by the lies. But even though external societal factors have also come at them, they've kept moving on, transforming into the women that they are. Elizabeth Acevedo doesn’t care for painting a hopeful picture of our present world, instead she uses her words and prose to depict the fractured society we often ignore. A society that's a plane ride away.
Cited text
Acevedo, E. (2020). Clap when you land. Bonnier Zaffre Ltd.
References
Blue Flower Arts. (2024, 21 febrero). Elizabeth Acevedo - Blue Flower Arts. https://blueflowerarts.com/artist/elizabeth-acevedo/Encyclopedia Britannica. (s. f.). Elizabeth Acevedo. Britannica Kids. https://kids.britannica.com/students/article/Elizabeth-Acevedo/633475
The United States of America is known as the land of new beginnings. A country built on the idea that everyone has an equal opportunity to acquire freedom, economic prosperity, and their aspired jobs. Thus, people from all around the world, the vast majority of whom are of Mexican descent, settle there in hopes of finding their American dream. For Latinx immigrants, this principally means one thing: securing a better life for themselves and their families. However, along the way, many are faced with challenges such as language barriers, racial discrimination, and financial instability. So, how are the ambitions of these Latino immigrants being affected by these hardships? Latinx authors often depict the struggles and triumphs of immigrants in their works, shedding light on the harsh reality of their experience in America. It is through storytelling in texts such as The House on Mango Street (1984) by Sandra Cisneros and Puerto Rican Obituary (1973) by Pedro Pietri, that we are allowed to dig deeper into the lives of immigrants, even if just for a second.
The American Dream sells equality, but they don't warn immigrants that that is defined by the language they speak. Out of these Latino immigrants, only around 38% are fluent English speakers, while 37% are fluent English readers (Hugo Lopez et al., 2019), thus leaving the other 62% of them in a whirlwind of miscommunication. These limitations also allow this population to be “exposed to crime, medical errors, and other dangers, also reducing its options to access programs and opportunities that can improve their lives.” (Liévano, 2023) This lack of inclusion and understanding has served to further isolate and marginalize this community, making it difficult for them to thrive in their new environment. In the chapter “No Speak English” from The House on Mango Street, we observe how this lack of knowledge of the English language confines the character of Mamasita to her new apartment, leaving her longing for the past while her present passes her by. For her, Spanish is the language of family, of love, of home, but her husband insists, “We are home. This is home. Here I am and here I stay. Speak English. Speak English. Christ!” (Cisneros, 2013, p. 78). He bought the dream. He was forced to leave his roots behind, to learn the language of the people who discriminate against Latinos, and now he is encouraging her to do the same. Cisneros also represents this hardship through Esperanza’s father, mentioning that during his initial arrival in the United States, his diet consisted solely of ham and eggs (Hamaneggs) since that was one of the only words he knew. Therefore, even though every citizen of the United States has an equal right to jobs, housing, education, and others, the lack of English proficiency can serve as a barrier for Latino immigrants to obtain these rights, leading to a cycle of discrimination and marginalization.
Mamasita, her husband, and Esperanza's father longed for the promised land. They longed to be in the lion's den to become the lions but ended up prey, devoured by a country that doesn't make space for the Spanish-speaking folks. However, they were not the only ones in literature who fell into this trap; Juan, Miguel, Milagros, Olga, and Manuel from Puerto Rican Obituary were also victims. These Latinx characters moved to the U.S. on the premise of a better life, but at what expense? Of that of their own culture? In Pietri's poem, we follow the lives of the five aforementioned characters who represent the population of obedient, overworked, and underpaid Latinos, who “All died yesterday today and will die again tomorrow… died waiting dreaming and hating” (Pietri, 2015). Through them, Pietri highlights the critical state in which they live, the slurs they are being called, and their inability to climb up the social ladder due to their ethnic background. He even focuses on how the representation of Latinos in media negatively impacts how they perceive themselves and their heritage. Through this text, we are shown that for these characters to succeed, they need to blend in with those who are American-born and conform to their way of life while also working twice as hard without complaning. Therefore, promoting a cultureless scene where they should desire to be “Proud to belong to a community of gringos who want them lynched. Proud to be a long distance away from the sacred phrase: Que Pasa” (Pietri, 2015) This pressure to assimilate to succeed in America chips away at their souls, slowly making them die day in and day out. Leaving this community exhausted and prone to physical and mental health illnesses.
The American Dream sells equality, but they don't warn immigrants that that is defined by the color of their skin. In the chapter “Those Who Don't,” we are shown through the eyes of young Esperanza how color perception influences people's sense of security. For instance, for white-skinned people, Mango Street represents fear and uncertainty. It’s a colored neighborhood filled with supposed thieves and killers, waiting for their next target. However, for the Latinx residents of Mango Street, it's where their families and friends live and where they are safe, and it isn't until they step into neighborhoods of another color that they find themselves feeling like their counterparts. There is no place for them to truly be at peace, for in their home they are feared, and outside of it, they are fearful. The United States prides itself on being the land of the free, but what is free about feeling judged and afraid? How can they pride themselves on being the home of the brave when, politically and socially, they do very little to help those who go to them for help and let them judge for superficial differences such as physical complexion and spoken language? It is a stark contrast to the ideals of equality and justice that the country claims to uphold.
As aforementioned, all these barriers often lead to limitations in job offers and lower wages within the Latino community. According to Rivera (1983), “the average working Latino is more likely to hold a blue-collar job (44.8% in 1981) than is his Anglo or black counterpart," and those who manage to acquire white-collar jobs tend to be in low-paying positions. In fact,
"Among major industries, 27.3 percent of workers in construction were of Hispanic or Latino ethnicity in 2014. Other industries with high concentrations of Hispanics and Latinos include agriculture, forestry, fishing, and hunting (23.1 percent) and leisure and hospitality (22.3 percent). Hispanics had the lowest share of employment in public administration (11.4 percent), financial activities (11.3 percent), and information (10.5 percent)." (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2015).
These disparities in opportunities, regularly related to racial discrimination practices, hinder the possibility for Latinos to attain their desired jobs, thus perpetuating the cycle of poverty. In some cases, this can guide immigrants to dangerous and less conventional ways of acquiring necessities and finer things, as shown by Cisneros through the character of Loui's cousin in the chapter "Loiu, His Cousin & His Other Cousin." It is on account of this lack of sustainable income that they begin dreaming of common things as if they were unreachable. "Juan died dreaming about a new car, Miguel died dreaming about new anti-poverty programs, Milagros died dreaming about a trip to Puerto Rico, Olga died dreaming about real jewelry, Manuel died dreaming about the irish sweepstakes." (Pietri, 2015) Each dreamed of becoming more, having more, yet ended up toxically grateful for being taken for granted and belittled as long as that meant keeping food on the table. The American dream has a price, and it demands a sacrifice from the Latino community. It requires a purge of real personal aspirations, and unfortunately, most Latinx immigrants found themselves forced to pay.
Through these stories, we are shown that Latinos in the United States are used until they break. Until they die today, tomorrow, and the day after. Their ambitions were forced to be put aside to face the reality that awaited them in the promised land. However, these narratives don't portray the story of people who let themselves feel victimized. They tell the story of fighters. It is through texts such as these that the audience can analyze the challenges faced by Latino immigrants while also observing the resilience and strength that they possess in navigating a new culture and society. Immigrating is no easy decision, but above all adversity, the Latinos stayed in the United States and slowly but surely thrived, whether that was in their first generation of immigrants or with their descendants.
Cited Texts
Cisneros, S. (2013). The House on Mango Street. Vintage.
Hugo Lopez, M., Taylor, P., Martínez, J., & Velasco, G. (2019, December 30th). IV. Language Use among Latinos | Pew Research Center. Pew Research Center’s Hispanic Trends Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/hispanic/2012/04/04/iv-language-use-among-latinos/#:~:text=Among%20the%20foreign%20born%20or,in%20the%20second%20generation
Liévano, W. (2023, September 15th). The impact of language barriers for Latinos across America. The GroundTruth Project. https://thegroundtruthproject.org/the-impact-of-language-barriers-for-latinos-across-america/
Pietri, P. (2015). Puerto Rican Obituary by Pedro Pietri | Poetry Foundation. Poetry Foundation. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/58396/puerto-rican-obituary
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2015, October 9th). Hispanics and Latinos in industries and occupations. https://www.bls.gov/opub/ted/2015/hispanics-and-latinos-in-industries-and-occupations.htm
References
Brammer, J. (2023, September 12th). Toxic gratitude, or «Si Dios Quiere Syndrome,» is the concept that Latinos are too content receiving scraps - Los Angeles Times. Los Angeles Times. https://www.latimes.com/delos/story/2023-08-17/chicanos-toxic-gratitude-problem
Mental Health America. (n.d.). Latinx/Hispanic Communities and Mental Health. Mental Health America. https://www.mhanational.org/issues/latinxhispanic-communities-and-mental-health
Popal, F. (2022, November 21st). Surviving or Thriving? What It Takes for Immigrants to Succeed | George W. Bush Presidential Center. George W. Bush Presidential Center. https://www.bushcenter.org/catalyst/state-of-the-american-dream/popal-what-it-takes-to-make-it-in-america
“You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes” (The Matrix, 1999)
Whereas the white rabbit led Alice down a path of wonder and paradoxes, it led Neo out of the claws of technology. Written and directed by Lana and Lilly Wachowski, The Matrix (1999) delves into themes of perception of reality, truth, identity, and the role machines play in our interpretation of life. It challenges the boundaries between virtuality and the real world, consecutively leading us to question how dangerous humanity's creations can be towards ourselves. Nevertheless, not every character in the film views the system as the enemy nor the red pill as a form of acquiring freedom.
Within the Matrix, everything is programmed to replicate the attractive features of a bygone era: its buildings, vehicles, professions, clothing, and lifestyles. With these the machines control, oppress, and imprison the humans into a seductive state of complacency, obstructing their conception of freedom and hindering the realization of their lost autonomy. Yet, if the Matrix is merely an illusion of normalcy, why is it that Cypher wants to fully immerse himself back into it? In the middle of the movie this character makes a deal with the agents to hand over Neo in order to obtain his reinstitution into the Matrix free of the burden knowledge had placed upon his shoulders. Cypher’s motivations reflect the exhaustion and despair attached to life outside the Matrix, where survival is grueling, and freedom feels hollow when stripped of comfort and meaning. Stating “ignorance is bliss” (The Matrix, 1999), Cypher expresses a desire to flee painful truth and return to a world of pleasure and simplicity, even if it is false. His choice critiques a fundamental human tendency: the preference for comforting lies over arduous truths, particularly when those truths demand sacrifices and provide no immediate rewards.
This disconnection from apocalyptic realities continues its exploration in films such as Ready Player One (2018), where the citizens of Columbus, Ohio, flee their dystopian surroundings by investing in the Oasis, a fully immersive virtual utopia. The allure of the Oasis lies in its ability to transform lives, offering its players endless possibilities: wealth, adventure, relationships, and even the chance to be someone entirely different from their real-world selves. This parallels Cypher’s longing for the comforts of ignorance within the Matrix, highlighting a recurring theme in cyberpunk narratives—the seductive power of simulated realities that promise freedom while simultaneously enslaving. This longing for comfort echoes in the ways we use modern technologies to construct and inhabit alternate realities. Whether through the curated perfection of social media, the immersive escapism of the metaverse, or the endless stream of entertainment available on demand, we, like Cypher and the citizens in the Oasis often choose the blue pill. We opt to ignore the difficulties of real life in favor of carefully tailored digital distractions.
Cypher’s arc showcases a poignant rejection of the burden reality provides, while Neo’s journey down the rabbit hole establishes that true freedom lies within the truth. In choosing to face reality, even when it is painful, we reclaim our agency, identity, and humanity. The question that remains is whether we, like Cypher, will let ourselves fully succumb to the comforting glow of the machines or will we have the courage to take the red pill?
Cited text
Wachowski, Lana, and Wachowski, Lilly. The Matrix. Warner Bros., 1999.
References
Foster, Thomas. “Virtuality.” The Routledge Companion to Science Fiction, edited by Mark Bould, Andrew M. Butler, Adam Roberts and Sherryl Vint, Routledge, 2009, pp. 317-328. Spielberg, Steven. Ready Player One. Warner Bros., 2018.
God meant for things to be equally distributed between his creations, yet you have taken more than your share.
You have stripped away my name, denied my rights, and casted your unholy shadow over my flesh. I have come to exist before your eyes only in relevance to your needs.
I mourn my own death. Am but a current soul in lament, and still, you crave to call yourself the victim.
The Three Body Dilemma - Tentacle by Rita Indiana (Book Essay)
Alien Invasions: The otherness in Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Movie Essay)
The Allure of Illusion: Escapism in Technology and the Red Pill Dilemma - The Matrix (Movie Essay)
The Promised Land: Latinx Immigrants and their Struggles Portrayed in Literature - The House on Mango Street (1984) by Sandra Cisneros and Puerto Rican Obituary (1973) by Pedro Pietri (Book Essay)
Clap When You Land - Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo (Book Essay)
"Alien invasion narratives tend to raise one stark issue: conquer or be conquered." (Seed, 2011, pg. 30-31)
For the citizens of Santa Mira, California, life as they knew it had ceased. Like untamed roots, the leaflike green alien pods spread throughout the city, unnoticed and with one mission: survival. From deafening screams to a lack of trust, the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), based on Jack Finney’s science fiction horror novel The Body Snatchers (1955), explores three types of aliens while simultaneously disregarding crucial elements of them.
It begins with a sickness, a scream, a cry for help when the imposters are identified. “The trouble is inside you." (Invasion of the Body Snatchers, 12:13–12:15) Dr. Miles J. Bennell said to Wilma Lentz during the beginning of the movie when the possibility of life forms capable of impersonating humans was not plausible. This first half of the story places the otherness in the neurosis, or what the medical professional characters called "the epidemic of mass hysteria." Therefore, blaming the accusers of suffering from delusions and paranoia and stating that the accusations were false. This is similar to The Invisible Man (2020), where everyone disregards Cecilia as mentally unstable when she insists her former partner isn’t dead, but rather has found a way to torment her invisibly. Nevertheless, as the movie moves forward, we stumble upon a recurring analogy in alien invasions, which is explored through the real disease, where “the new life form was somehow corrupting or infecting its human host." (Seed, 2011, p. 38). Once Miles and his group of friends discover the truth about the alien pods, the perspective of the movie changes. No longer are they battling what was presumed to be a mental illness; they are battling the snatchers. These unexplained aliens that assumed the identity of existing humans are multiplying quickly, blending in with the uncontaminated in order to corrupt reality. The last act of the movie, in which the others had successfully planted the seed of doubt in Miles and Becky, showcases these two characters as the aliens within the now fully transformed community. Everyone else has fallen victim to the birth of the clones, which live by one principle: the simplicity of living without love. Miles and Becky run from this emotionless society, desperate to protect their love from a town that demands they convert to survive and views them as strange for wanting to keep their feelings alive.
Although the narrative is meant to produce a sense of mystery and surprise in the viewer, I can't help but point out two details that flaw the concept of the conquering in the film: motive and the time frame of the clone development. Never in the movie is it explained what the aliens wish to achieve with their reproduction nor what they do once they take over the lives of the original humans. Do they murder them? Blend into their bodies? Wouldn't it be possible for the clones to coexist with the humans? The latter detail comes into question after viewing three instances of the clone development. At first, Jack’s clone evolves slowly while he sleeps for a long period. However, near the end of the movie, Becky briefly falls asleep away from any pod or clone—and suddenly, she is replaced. Taking into consideration the previous information the movie gives the viewer, it is impossible to believe Becky would have succumbed to the fate she had.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a film that scrutinizes the systematic dismantlement of a community through the eradication of human individuality and emotions. Its end is only the beginning of an upcoming war between the snatchers and the humans, for there is no telling which race will be successful in conquering or protecting the earth. Yet, ultimately, this flawed gem invites us to wonder: Is love worth it if it doesn't last?
Cited text
Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Directed by Don Siegel, Walter Wagner Productions, Allied Artists Pictures. 1956.
Seed, David. “Alien encounters”. Science Fiction: A Very Short Introduction, by Seed, Oxford UP, 2011, pp. 27-46.
Three bodies, three timelines, one shared consciousness. Published in 2018, Rita Indiana’s Tentacle is a short novel that takes place in a futuristic, post-apocalyptic Santo Domingo, where the young maid Acilde Figueroa is prophesied as the chosen one to save the ocean from extermination. This critical narration confronts the linear passage of time, weaving together explorations of climate change, technology, Afro-Caribbean traditions, queer politics, colonialism, the body, and contemporary art into a mind-bending, yet oftentimes confusing, journey through the Caribbean.
In an article related to the novel, Professor Njelle W. Hamilton describes traditional representations of time travel in science fiction as being tied to classical laws of physics, thus explaining the necessity of authors establishing machinery that enables such adventures. Hamilton shares that in these narrations, “time travel is the technicality that both the traveler’s body and psyche move out of the original timeline…” (2020) Therefore, the main methods of time travel rely on mechanisms and the unified movement of a singular body and mind. However, Indiana does not bind herself to conventional science fiction norms. Instead, she describes that “black Cubans called a certain marine creature Olokun. It could travel back in time…” (2018, p. 105). By linking the anemone to Olokun, a Yoruba deity associated with the ocean and transformation, Indiana presents time travel not as a product of technology but as a mystical process rooted in cultural and religious traditions. Through the integration of Yoruba deities and magical elements, Indiana fragments Acilde’s consciousness across three seemingly disconnected timelines. Each with their own corporal being, yet all existing at the same time within the protagonist’s mind.
These coexisting temporalities take place in 2027 with Acilde Figueroa, in 1901 and 2001 with Giorgio Meniccuci, and in the seventeenth century with the buccaneer Roque. Each character is developed independently from one another, seeking apparent different outcomes that tie back together through Argenis, otherwise known as Physic Goya. This second character, the protagonist of every chapter in which Acilde is not directly mentioned, is an art graduate recruited by Giorgio to participate in his and his wife Lisa’s ecological venture in Playa Bo, where he ends up stung by an anemone during a diving trip. Nevertheless, once Argenis recovers from the accident, he realizes his mind has been split in time, and the ocean has spat out a version of him in the seventeenth century alongside Roque.
Indiana further breaks conventions by focusing on Argenis to reveal how the powers of the anemone work, rather than illustrating this directly through Acilde. This narrative choice allows a sense of mystery and intrigue for the reader, as withholding explicit details about who Acilde has embodied in 2001 and the seventeenth century for much of the novel invites readers to piece together the connections themselves. Within this innovative time travel also lies a dilemma, since her switches from one character's timeline to the next in a single sentence can confuse the reader. This could be seen as a problem for the text since oftentimes it appears to lack clarity, or it can be interpreted as an intentional stylistic choice. Both Acilde and Argenis are living these lives all at once, without order and without a warning sign of upcoming change. The narrative's nonlinear structure reflects the jumbled, chaotic, and intrusive minds of the characters, immersing the reader in a disorienting exploration of time. From erotic to neurotic, Indiana doesn’t shy away from what her characters feel, thus resulting in an engaging and vivid description of their reality.
Blending music, art, culture, politics, and gender, Tentacle pushes the narrative boundaries established by style and genre. From the core of science fiction, it extends its arms beyond traditional frameworks to conceptualize new ways of thinking about time travel, gender, and literary structure. Ultimately leaving us with a thought-provoking exploration of identity, time, and what our actions lead to.
Cited texts
Hamilton, Njelle W. “‘Another Shape to Time’: Tentacle’s Spiral Now.” Small Axe Project, June 2020, smallaxe.net/sxsalon/discussions/another-shape-time-tentacles-spiral-now. Accessed 15 Dec. 2024.
Indiana, Rita. “Tentacle.” Translated by Achy Obejas, 1.a ed., 2018.
References
Indiana, Rita. “Caribbean Power.” YouTube, uploaded by Feria del Libro Bogotá, 20 May 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxVKilkX0Cg&list=WL&index=2&t=2325s
Nieves López, Edgar J. “Tentacle by Rita Indiana.” Sargasso, 2019-20, I & II, pp. 139.-142.
"But it was from the distance between us, not from the affinities and likeness but from the difference, that that love came: and it was itself the bridge, the only bridge, across what divided us."
- The Left Hand of Darkness (2010) by Ursula K. Le Guin
Her fingers roamed through his mane as her eyes danced from one freckle to the next. Taking in every strand of hair on his slightly furrowed brows, every expression line on his face, every star dancing in his pupils.
"I want you to spoon me in the night and shake me awake under the sunlight. To be the hands that wrap around my waist; the chest that presses against my back."
He inched closer. His nose brushing against her own, breathing in every fiber of her being.
"I wish to make you laugh and be able to let you cry," she continued, "I want you to tell me when I am wrong... and l want you to love me when I am right."
"You are never right," he squeezed her hips, pulling her body closer to him. Holding her like gravity holds the moon; without plans of ever letting go.
"Would you love me still?"
The edge of his mouth curved upwards. His lips inches away from their home as he felt the skin of her own brush against them.
It's something so bizarre this subtle ache in my heart. It remains numb for the first few seconds of the day, and then I remember you.
How we haven't had a real conversation in a month; haven't heard you laugh in a while; haven't received a text back....
And then my head spirals. Maybe I'm not that important. You surely have better things to do, real people to talk to. Relationships to stablish with girls that aren't thousands of miles away in a land you've never set foot in.
I said once "we are delusional." You said "who's we?"
And then I think about how your arms have never been wrapped around my waist, your lips never pressed against mine. How my fingers have never touched your cheek, and how our eyes have never meet.
I'll never truly know what goes through your mind. Never will ask for more than what we have cause I know it'll mean asking for more than what I have given. All I know is I've never experienced such a thing... until you.
"Do you reckon it's possible to miss someone you've never met?" She asked through the phone, voice quiet and filled with doubt. "As in wanting to talk to them and wanting them around more often even if they were never there to begin with. Is that still whitin the normal symptoms of catching feelings?"
He didn't chuckle like he used to but didn't dodge it either. "It's not the best feeling, but you can't do much about it..." There was a pause and then a soft breath. She had never seen his face, not in the way she desired to see it. But she could imagine the look on it as he spoke one word after the other. "You'll get over it"
She could feel it deep inside her heart. An ache so vivid it was hard to dismiss as anything else other than a gentle break. A crack on the muscle tissue waiting to be ripped apart to shreds, all at the cause of his beautiful calloused hands. "That's a horrible feeling when this is literally the most I've ever felt in a long time."
Silence.
She could feel the tears pool in her eyes and, for once, was thankful he couldn't see her face. Couldn't see how much he truly affected her.
Gosh, why was she so stupid? She wasn't an emotional person. She lost people day in and day out and could still keep a steady pace of her life. But just the thought of losing him ate away at her soul. Chipped away every bit of emotional maturity she had gathered along the years. He made her feel like a fool in l... Like a fool, and she dispised the controle she had given a stranger over her heart.
He took in a sharp breath, taking her away from her thoughts.
"It will be okay." He mused, and she knew it would all be over one day.
The way it made my stomach ache when it wasn't inside me, and the way it would make my stomach churn when it was.
It's a weird predicament, for everything I desire causes me pain, and everything I despise is being shoved down my throat as a remedy.
I hate food. Hate if for what it does to me. Hate what it turns me into. Hate when people who don't know say "Eat. You should eat!" and the people who know say "Stop. That's not good for you"
It's a fight. Constant struggle for me to decide what I want. The moment I start eating there's a problem but also the moment I stop. I hate it, and I don't think I've ever hated something with such passion.
I thought I was too old to start hating food... but maybe 20 isn't too old to start.
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