The hardest two years of my life seemed like the quickest. My entire life I have been skating by, never disobeying, following rules, keeping up with grades, working hard and always following someone elses path that had been laid out for me, even though they say its my own.
Nothing is completely whole in this world, nothing is perfect. Even the strongest of alloys and metals will eventually wither and rot if left alone or unchanged. I was turning out like that. Nothing new ever happened, day in and day out I kept up the same routine, slowly rotting away inside, begging myself to change, looking for some adventure to lift my withering soul. My eyes were dulling, my body and heart were aching. I can't remember which one ached first, but they both hurt just the same.
I felt like a child, someone who was stuck and not able to grow and flourish like all the rest of their so called 'friends'. When something becomes broken, or out of date what do people do? They throw it out. Its human nature really, people get bored they move on. That's what happened to me.
My past friends grew up and vanished without a second thought leaving everything and everyone behind. Including me.
It's also human nature to lie to one an other, and don't give me that bullshit saying 'oh I never lied in my life' of course you have. Even its as small as 'I didn't break that' or 'I didn't touch it' Even if its a little white lie, a lie is still a lie. But in the back of our mind we all think, its not hurting anyone, no one will remember it. Ever think its those kinds of lies that hurt? Guarding someones feelings with lies? Its the worse offense of all.
Someone made a promise to me long ago and I was foolish enough to think they would keep it. I opened my heart and soul to that person, trusted my entire being within that person, only to be let down. That promise was so farfetched now that I think about it, but ones again I was foolish in the past thinking it could be kept. And its a line that everyone hears in their lifetime.
'I won't leave you alone...I promise'
Can you believe how stupid I was to believe that? I was a child, even at age 20 I still felt like I held onto childish beliefs.
The world is cruel, the world is rotten. Everyone in it is rotten somewhere in their being. But this isn't about the bad people in the world. Its about one human, one soul still clinging onto the fairy tails, books, dreams and memories of what once made us whole again. What just a single human being did to make me see, the world isn't rotten.
In stories, authors often think of the beginning and ending before even considering what could happen in the middle of their story, because that's where it really counts. In the middle of my own story I experienced feelings I never thought I could fathom in just two little years.
Happiness, joy, mystery, wonder, adventure, danger, edge, life, sadness, anger, guilt and hopelessness...even selfishness. I felt...human. I felt like an actual human in those two years. It just proves how pathetic we humans can be when it comes to one simple emotion. Love.
You can't describe love, its nearly impossible. Everyone feels love differently. I felt love in her eyes, in her mind, soul, her words. Her entire being consumed me and in the beginning I was scared. I was scared of myself. I remember crying because I was so confused I thought I was going insane. I thought there was something really wrong with me. There were times I hid, lost myself in my writing, my many journals scattered around my bedroom. I even thought about running away with my tail between my legs like a dog. That's all I was ever good at.
But you stopped me, I stopped running. I felt like my doors and walls were finally coming down with each passing day I knew you. We shared everything, things I never shared with anyone. You know everything about me and even though you said I knew everything about you and I knew what was going on. That little voice in the back of my head told me I was missing something. I didn't understand a thing because I recently opened my doors.
The middle of my story consisted of me swimming up stream against a current that you were creating. The closer I got to you the stronger your current became. I still get others peoples emotions confused, I was never really good at comforting, never good at reading people but you could always read me like a book and sometimes I hated it. But the truth was I was relieved you could. I was thinking finally someone who can seem me, someone who can tell I am there or notice me.
I waited for you, I waited a long time, sending out subtle hints hiding my identity, scared of what you would think. I remember that day you called me crying, and I didn't have an idea of what to do, I only said what I think you wanted to hear. I guess that helped? No? I didn't think so.
That day I accidentally hurt you and we didn't talk for a while was the longest week of my life, I beat myself up for it, wishing I could go back in time. I wanted you to forgive me right away, but I worked at it like any human would. Eventually you did and I swore to never let it happen again.
You were my everything. My life stopped in its tracks when you needed something. Even if its was something stupid like picking you up, or something big like being a shoulder to cry on. My life halted for just a minute to be in yours. To think a human could have this much of their life consumed out of their own will just to feel wanted by someone...who didn't even want them back.
Thats right, I did all those to make sure you were happy and to help you move on while I stayed in the darkness like I was your own person shadow. I rotted away in the darkness of my own soul while watching yours bloom in full. Then one night I realized something, without you I wouldn't have felt what true love was. You are not a bad person, I just cannot grasp what lesson I learned from this. Was it better for me knowing you? Or would I have been better off not knowing you? You don't gain a single thing in misery. But what I did gain made me feel like I was real.
Humans really are weak creatures, but its those little bonds we form that make us feel like we have a purpose. You made me feel like I had purpose and even though you are not here with me. You will always be my light and I will always be your shadow.
And I wouldn't change a thing.
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
discoholicmusic
vaporwave
