asleep or dead

eli | she/her | 20 just an anxious depressed adhd mess (i follow back with subtlize)

[altbpd]

ahhh i forgot about this tumblr lolol

[altbpd]

got high on cipralex tonight bois we just dug a deeper hole

[altbpd]

i also have been craving cigarettes so badly i can literally taste the smoke on my tongue and down my throat and ive been shaking for them like every time someone mentions them i just like buckle i want some so badly

[altbpd]

tw/ self harm (nothing graphic)

i have gone months and months without hurting myself like maybe 6-10 months, but these last 2 weeks has been really bad for me and last night my whole head felt like it was filled with pressure and i just felt like i needed to release the tension so unbelievably badly and i didnt know how else to do it so i left the knife i use in my sock drawer (tbh idk why i didnt take it out when my mental health was better) and i said only one cut but it felt so good i was like shaking from just how good it felt and i wanted to do more but i stopped myself and i was like laughing and bleeding and idk whats wrong with me

[altbpd]

im feeling... lonely. i feel like i dont really deserve people who care about me.

[altbpd]

i havent eaten all day but my jeans are still tight so im like ok no more eating until they feel looser

[altbpd]

me, doing some self destructive bs, shaking and freezing: yeah... this is nice...

[altbpd]

what if i just 👉👈 didnt wake up owo sounds fun i like that

[altbpd]

feeling low, sigh

[altbpd]

why am i hungry i dont want to be hungry im trying to diet lmao and my brain’s just like eat more like stop u know i have 0 impulse control

[altbpd]

after like, falling in deep with something very very quickly i go from UNBELIEVABLY HIGH!! to very low bc i feel stupid loving something so intensely so quickly 🥴🥴 my brain like heh whats going on

[altbpd]

this time last year i was self harming constantly, i have angry red scratches in pictures i took and deep bags under my eyes and im happy to say i dont do that anymore. i stopped keeping track a while ago and i have had relapses but other than that ive been very good about it and there was only one event i can recall recently where i relapsed pretty badly but ive been doing well and im proud of myself. the feeling is addicting, and i was constantly relying on it as a way to release tension and feel better. but now i have other methods to help me resolve situations/feel better.

[furiousgoldfish]

it’s a lie that some kids are more tough and can withstand abuse while others are “more sensitive”. All children are sensitive. Every single kid is in a tiny body surrounded with giants who can kill them in an instant. Any violence or hatred inflicted on any kid isn’t funny or easy for any of them.

The difference is in how openly they show they’re hurt and scared. Kids who learned adults will care about their well being will be able to cry, scream, escape, act vulnerable and hurt when they’re in pain. Kids who are taught to act tough, they wont show that you hurt them so easily, they’ve already learned that being openly hurt is humiliating, or even punishable, so they will pretend to suck it up. Does that mean kid isn’t equally damaged and hurt like the one who cried on the spot? No. You can’t count of kid’s reactions to reveal what kind of damage you did to them. When kids are hurt REALLY badly they can’t even feel it in the real time and will report you that they’re “just fine”, they’ll dissociate and forget about it and it will be all good until one day they can’t breathe anymore because of it.

You’re risking traumatizing any kid if you inflict hatred and abuse on them, even if they act like they can take it, even if they have no reaction whatsoever. It’s not on the kid to have “correct” reaction to your abuse, they’re doing all they can to survive it and thats good enough. You can’t pretend you don’t know that hatred, neglect, and any kind of abuse is traumatizing for kids.

[altbpd]

i hate crying with no one to comfort me or even to talk to about what happens. ive honestly never felt more alone at the moment

[thealfaguy]

s/o to yourself because this year was not easy at all. but you fucking did it.

[remembering-irrelevance]

*goes to sleep so I don’t kill myself*

[altbpd]

hnng