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ragdollnetic

JTW Day Five: Diner | Relic | Witch

EDIT: The incredible @meaninglessblah-writes wrote a super fun fic inspired by this: Kiss And Make Up. 🥰🥰💖💖💖

ragdollnetic

JTW Day Six: Road Trip | Rock | Unresolved Sexual Tension

rugbin

Dinner at the Diner

suigenerisisadiva

you and tim love watching fan edits of yourselves - Batsis!Reader

Being famous had its downsides, but also had it's bright sides, one being getting edited (well, in your cases more often memed)

Which leads you and your brother to the position you are in right now.

It's 1:47AM, you and Tim were taken off the patrol roster because you had studying to do and Tim was sick thanks to his Victorian child immunity. Neither of you were doing anything remotely productive.

You were tucked comfortably beneath the blankets, your back resting against the upholstered headboard while Tim lay beside you, constantly hogging the sheets. Your bedroom television filled the far wall, currently mirroring your phone as you scrolled through TikTok.

Tim reached over and stole one of the chocolate-covered strawberries you had made that were sitting on the bedside table.

"You know," he said through a mouthful, "I think watching edits of ourselves before bed is incredibly narcissistic."

ragdollnetic

JTW Day Four: Glitter | Royalty | Fake/Pretend Relationship

papayafromtv

one of my favourite headcanons for jason in the league is that he becomes weirdly fixated/obsessed with photography and home videos, both because he realises he never really had any physical memories of his childhood before bruce and also because upon coming into care of damian, he realises that unless he does something about it, damian will literally not have a single baby photo/video. and jason decides that is unacceptable.

i think it would be cute if he takes over the whole ‘making sure damian has nice moments in his childhood’ operation, and part of that is photos and memories. i think damian is probably eternally annoyed by the camera constantly following him around, but he likes jason and is aware that jason is pretty much just fixating on anything he can get his hands on to distract him from how fucked up his own existence has become, so he decides to just let jason have this one coping mechanism and doesn’t say anything.

the concept of league home videos filmed by jason/damian is so fun for so many reasons—most of them to do with damian once he’s in gotham. i keep thinking about the concept of damian growing up with jason’s hyperfixation of photography/videography rubbing off on him slightly, so when he goes to gotham one of the few possessions he takes with him is an old video camera jason gifted him as a birthday present one year. he doesn’t use it much at first because he’s so used to it being a Jason Thing that he doesn’t think to capture anything when jason isn’t there, but eventually he starts taking photos of his new family around the manor. it’s probably the one thing that gets tim and damian to interact without obvious hostility. tim sees another kid with a camera and instantly becomes enamoured. but eventually after some vague conversations about how ‘oh my brother back at the compound likes to carry a camera around, i picked it up from him’ tim gets curious about what the fuck could possibly be in a ‘home video’ from the league of assassins, so he takes one of the old flash-drives with damian’s old footage.

first thing he sees when he looks through the files is a thirty second clip of jason trying to teach damian how to use a yo-yo while ra’s glares at them in the background like he wishes he had no grandchildren, and tim’s like,

wait. i know him.

there’s fucking hundreds of hours of footage collected within damian’s belongings, a culmination of jason keeping a record of damian’s entire childhood. there’s unedited raw footage that’s just jason talking to damian about random shit for three+ hours while trekking through the desert. there’s edited sagas of different bullshit side-quests jason took damian on that he decided to film vlog-style. there’s tiny clips of jason throwing things at ra’s across meeting tables, of damian learning combat from various tutors, of jason and damian sneaking into talia’s bedroom so they can steal her jewellery—tim is losing his mind at what he’s found, for multiple reasons.

it would be funny if tim eventually decided that there was literally No Calm Way to break his find to bruce, so he just quietly puts damian’s stuff back and pretends he has no idea that damian’s league brother is jason fucking todd. it just becomes really awkward when the red hood shows up and starts causing trouble, because as intimidating as hood is to everybody else, tim has to just stand there and think ‘i’ve seen video footage of you face planting the ground after surfing down a sand dune.’ and he can’t even say anything about it.

i also just think it would be funny if after jason’s identity WAS revealed, he absolutely did not like tim in the slightest. not because tim replaced him as robin, no. because that little shit likes photography and that was jason’s thing.

“fucking- you little stalker, you can’t let me have anything, can you-?”

“what are you talking- MORE THAN ONE PERSON CAN LIKE PHOTOGRAPHY, JASON.”

“what are you trying to do? steal my entire identity? my fucking dad and my job wasn’t enough, now you’re trying to steal my HOBBIES?!”

“I LIKED PHOTOGRAPHY BEFORE YOU EVEN FUCKING DIED. I WAS HERE FIRST.”

“YOU CAN’T PROVE THAT.”

“YES I CAN?!?! YOU’RE IN MOST OF THE FUCKING PHOTOS?!?”

“no. you’re stealing my thing. after everything i’ve been through- just get out, Tim. i can’t look at you right now. get out of my house.”

“THIS IS THE MANOR—I LIVE HERE.”

“-BRUCE, GET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT.”

damian is filming the entire argument from the top of the stairs and refuses to delete the footage.

redsray

I think the batkids deserve to have their own personal 'loud incorrect buzzer' for whenever someone lies. Just imagine:

Dick: So last week, Dami and I went to Batburger-

Damian: *loud incorrect buzzer noise*

Dick: ??

Damian: No, we didn't.

Dick:

Dick: Oh my god okay so it was TWO WEEKS AGO-

Damian, smug: Better.

Jason, snickering: This might be our best piece of gear yet.

(on comms, patrol)

Tim: Nightwing, a robbery just past the building on your left-

Steph: *loud incorrect buzzer noise*

Tim: What??? There is!

Steph: Yeah, but it's on his right, he turned around.

Tim: ...

Tim: Spoiler I'm rapidly approaching your location.

Steph, laughing: WAIT NO

Damian, meeting Tim in the Cave: Did you even go to sleep last night?

Tim, typing at the Batcomputer: Yeah.

Dick: *loud incorrect buzzer noise*

Tim: That doesn't count. He asked if I slept not where I slept.

Dick: I don't care. You falling asleep at the Batcomputer shouldn't count.

(on comms)

Bruce: No names on the field-

Jason: *loud incorrect buzzer noise*

Bruce: ...

Tim, absolutely losing it: What's even *wheeze* what's even incorrect about that?!

Jason: Nothin', he just annoyed me.

papayafromtv

i do think that a severely under-talked about idea between Jason and Damian within the whole league-brothers AUs is the communication factor. like, if we go with the idea of Jason basically being a catatonic zombie who has to relearn how to be human after his pit-dunk, and with him meeting Damian when Damian was like. barely out of a diaper. the communication between those two as they got closer would be fascinating.

like, aren't there psychological studies claiming that twins are more likely to have delays in language development because they become so in tune with each other that they don't need to learn how to speak as quickly? can you imagine that with Damian and Jason. Jason whose communication development was put back to square one after the pit, and Damian who was only just starting to get the hang of it anyway. those two become close and suddenly they're learning how to communicate together--and it causes fucking chaos within the league.

i want them to be able to communicate fluently with each other before anybody else can understand a single word they're saying. they have their own weird half-grunt-half-gesture-half-body-language thing going on and i bet you the rest of the league is so tired of having to deal with this bullshit.

Jason is still like. actively being used as one of Talia's top assassins/guards, is the thing. somehow despite the fact that fucking verbal language is escaping his post-lazarus mind, he's still a beast with a sword. or a gun. or anything, really, to the point where Ra's is specifically requesting Jason as a personal guard during particularly risky situations. so like. they kind of need to be able to talk to him. it gives Talia a migraine every. time.

Talia: Jason. you are needed. Jason, intently watching three year old Damian draw in the sand with a stick: *looks up at her cluelessly* Talia: Talia, internally sighing: Jason. you have to *gestures* come. Damian: *glances up and blinks* Talia, speaking slowly and clearly: Damian, tell Jason that he has g-u-a-r-d d-u-t-y. understand? g-u-a-r-d. Damian: *looks at Jason* Jason: *looks back* Talia, under her breath: finally, Damian: *jerks shoulder and clicks tongue* Jason: *grunts back and stands up* Talia: yes, now lets- Jason: *hands Talia his sword and sits back down* Talia: Talia: what. Damian: you want sword. Talia: NO!? ~ Ra's: grandson, how are your lessons going? Damian: *wiggles his fingers and whines slightly* Ra's: Jason, in the corner: *claps his hands, congratulatory* Damian: *preens* Ra's: Damian's tutor: ...he is doing well. Ra's: *sighs*

I think even after they both learn how to speak normally they still have their weird little baby-twin language. it's like their mother tongue, what they default to whenever they aren't paying attention. whenever Jason gets genuinely pissed off he starts speaking in this weird mix of grunts and clicks and Damian's the only person that understands. after Jason's assigned his own team of subordinates at the league it becomes a regular occurrence that one of the guys will barge into the room while Damian's training and demand that he go with them. Damian has to stop mid-kata and follow some random assassin into Jason's meeting room because he's been yelling at his squad for the better part of an hour and they can't for the life of them figure out what they did wrong. Damian walks in, listens to the incomprehensible mix of jerks and noises for four seconds, states plainly 'he found out one of you fell in a koi pond during a stealth mission and killed three fish.' and then leaves instantly.

it keeps happening, too. even in Gotham, the language just never stops being an instinctual fall-back for the two. if Damian is woken up while half asleep by Tim or Dick, for the first two minutes or so he will be completely incomprehensible because his brain hasn't kicked into gear and he's speaking the language that comes most naturally to him. there's an occasion where Damian forgets the English word for some inane thing while talking to Tim and he just. cannot fucking remember what it's called. ends up instinctively reverting back to what it would have been if he were talking to Jason which is a weird hum/grunt, and Tim looks at him like he's insane. Damian can NOT remember this word in English, and Tim can NOT understand what Damian's saying and it's driving them crazy. they're still arguing about it on patrol three days later when Red Hood comes across them and he hears

Tim: -I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS! Damian: that's not my problem!! i'm speaking very clearly!! Tim: THAT'S NOT A WORD. Damian: YES IT IS. Dick: how are you two still on this??? Damian: IT'S A *grunt-hum*. I CANNOT SAY IT ANY PLAINER. Tim: WHAT THE FUCK. Jason: *drops in* what's up? Tim: ROBIN'S FUCKING- I DON'T EVEN KNOW BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM. *to Damian* say it again, fucking show Hood. Damian: *grunt-hum*. Jason, without blinking: pogo-stick. Damian: SEE. Tim, genuinely about to loose his shit: FUCKING WHAT.

everybody is so sick of these two's shit.

papayafromtv

goodie two-shoes newly adopted jason todd is one of the funniest fucking things to come out of the batfamily fandom, actually. y’all remember that episode of the office us where dwight gets fired and the day afterwards micheal is all sad like ‘why haven’t the cleaning ladies arranged the toys in my office and watered my plants?’ and everybody tells him ‘no dwight used to do that.’ ? in the funniest way possible i want this to be bruce and jason.

jason todd who was such a sweet eager-to-please kid. he literally adored bruce for taking him in and letting him be robin, so he was doing literally anything he could think of to make his adoption worthwhile to bruce. being the model student at school, keeping his room immaculately clean, training as much as he could--the enthusiasm was genuinely baffling to bruce, who up until that point had only ever dealt with dick motherfucking grayson as a child under his care. at first he thought something was wrong with jason, or that he was covering something up. alfred had to pull him aside after a few months just like 'no he's genuinely this much of a people pleaser, master bruce. this isn't an act'. they had no idea what to do with this kid.

bruce doesn't even know most of the stuff jason does, he just assumes these little things Happen to Happen, and doesn't consider that it isn't alfred or that it might not be a coincidence. he counts himself lucky that jason is a well behaved kid and doesn't look too far into the details of how far that behaviour goes. so through the years after jason's death, bruce is genuinely just... fucking baffled.

"alfred, why did you stop making those little smoothie pots and leaving them in the fridge for my breakfasts? i really liked them, but you never have them anymore."

"...what smoothie pots?"

"the ones you always left in the door of the fridge for me, with the post-it notes telling me to have a good morning."

"i have never made you a smoothie pot, master bruce. i fear this was another of jason's little habits."

"...shit."

"indeed."

"so you don't know how to make these smoothie pots?"

like- i want jason to have literally been doing the most random fucking stuff you can think of. he was organising bruce's sock drawer, watering the plants in the downstairs bathroom, stapling together all the WE files in bruce's office so that bruce wouldn't misplace any of them. he was going above and beyond to make bruce's life as easy as possible in any way he could think of for YEARS, and he did it all so quietly that bruce never noticed until jason wasn't around anymore and all of a sudden his life was real fuckin' inconvenient and he had no idea why.

i just think it would be funny if red hood does a big identity reveal in front of all the bats and bruce just instantly bursts into tears in jason's arms weeping about how 'alfred let the fern die and they had to buy a new mop bucket because nobody knew where jason had stored it last' and jason is just. very confused holding a sobbing batman because he genuinely forgot that he used to do any of that stuff. meanwhile dick's in the background next to tim and he's just like 'so were you the one that organised the west attic? 'cause tim thinks it was the spirit of thomas wayne and we've been arguing about it for six months.'

bonus points if the league of assassins comes into it because at some point talia comes to visit damian and her and bruce get to chatting about jason, and bruce gets all teary and fond as he waxes poetic about how amazing and helpful jason was as a kid living around the manor, all the stuff he used to do, and then he turns to talia to ask what he was like living with her and she looks at him with the eyes of a long-dead veteran to tell him 'within his first two months he'd blown up two watchtowers, taught damian to call us all slurs in six different languages, and shaved a strip of my father's hair off while he was asleep. over his time with us he has personally contributed to the creation of ninety-three new rules around the compound, and the day before he left for gotham i personally watched him set fire to one of our helicopters.' and then there's just a really awkward period of silence because bruce has no idea what to say to that because HIS time with jason was fuckin great.

papayafromtv

thinking about a tim drake who knows bruce's new son is the second robin and also only a few years older than him, so he gets really excited at galas and events because it means he can actually hang out with and talk to robin himself, and a jason todd who does not fucking want to speak to anybody and will avoid social interaction at any cost; something tim Will Not Pick Up On, is very dear to me and i need to inject it into everything i do ever.

tim follows jason around during galas like a duckling, babbling his head off and not taking any hints no matter how strong they are, and jason is so fucking tired of this kid that he starts fucking with him the same way dick fucks with him. jason's walking around trying to find a corner to hide in for the rest of the night and tim is at his side refusing to shut the fuck up about architecture or whatever the fuck he's gotten obsessed with that week, so jason just trips him and shoves him into the back of some business guy who's talking in a group, and when the guy turns jason looks at tim and says 'woah, dude, i told you already, just because you like older guys doesn't mean you can smack the ass of every one you pass! i'm so sorry sir, i tried to control him," and then he turns in the opposite direction and speed-walks away while tim is left behind with this group of men staring down at him in judgement and it is literally the most betrayed tim has ever felt in his fucking life.

papayafromtv

i like to think that when Dick was freshly nineteen and in the depths of his i’m-independent-and-i-hate-Bruce phase, he stormed out of the manor during an argument and went for a walk around the city to try and calm himself down, just as a civilian. he got halfway through Crime Alley before some short, masked kid managed to catch him unawares and smacked him in the back of the head with a bat, dazing him for long enough that by the time Dick was up again, his wallet was gone and the kid was nowhere to be found. embarrassed that some random untrained kid with a baseball bat managed to successfully rob him, Dick lies his ass off to Bruce about being cornered by ninjas and then shamefully moves on.

six years later, after tentatively reconciling with his thought-dead seventeen year old crime lord brother, Jason gets slightly tipsy while sneaking drinks during a family event and proceeds to drunkenly tell Dick in front of the whole family about how scared he’d been to meet him after Bruce had first taken him in, because he wasn’t sure if Dick would remember him from when he was eleven and beat Dick across the face with a wooden bat so Jason could mug him on the side of the road. Jason is too drunk to understand the bomb he has just dropped and everybody stares at a frozen Dick in silence as he comes to the realisation that Jason was the little fucker that had stolen his wallet all those years ago.

he ends up having to leave the room to calm down. nobody in the family ever lets him forget it.

papayafromtv

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 80 (masterpost here)

*feet scuffing, metal thump* *slight whimper*

Bruce, lowly: where are the shipments coming from?

Faint male voice, trembling: i don’t- i don’t know, i just follow orders, i don’t know the details i swear!

Bruce: then when’s the next drop-off scheduled? how do i find them?

Faint male voice: i- please, i have the address it’s in my phone! let me just- please, let me just unlock it, you can have everything!

Bruce: slowly. one wrong move and you won’t have any working hands left to operate any phone.

Faint male voice: *whimper* alright, alright, just let me-

*connecting ping*

Jason: B.

*a beat*

Bruce: *sigh* yes?

*faint, slightly confused whimper*

Bruce: no- don’t you stop. get me that information, i’m speaking to a colleague. —Red Hood, do you need back up?

Jason, casual: nah.

Bruce: …are you hurt?

Jason: nah.

Bruce: then what do you need? i’m in the middle of an interrogation.

Jason: ‘m hungry.

*a beat*

Bruce: *sigh* Hood.

Jason, whining: i want moneyyyyy,

Bruce: i believe i have some fruit in the batmobile. it’s parked near the docks, if you’re nearby.

Jason: s’ that where you are?

Bruce, wary: yes?

Jason, casual: you got your wallet on you?

Bruce, flat: Hood. i am busy.

Jason: i thought you loved me.

Bruce: of course i love you,

*a beat*

Bruce, threateningly: what are you looking at?

*faint squeak of fear*

Jason: i want twenty dollars.

Bruce, dryly: Hood, i do not have twenty dollars on me.

Jason: …ok, well you said you were in an interrogation, right? does the guy you’re threatening have twenty dollars…?

Bruce: i am not robbing this man, Red Hood.

Faint male voice: you can have anything you want!

Jason: tell him you want twenty dollars so you can take your son out for a mid-patrol dinner.

Bruce, hissing: i am not telling him my son wants twenty dollars for a patrol snack.

Faint male voice, trembling: *scuffling, scrunching* h-here, here’s my whole wallet! take your kid to dinner, on me!

Bruce: what- no! take this back, i don’t need your money to feed my children!

Jason: so why wont you?! i’m HUNGRY.

Bruce: HOOD I AM WORKING.

Jason: HUNGRYYYYYYY. HOW OFTEN DO I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU, B? HOW OFTEN? I AM REQUESTING DINNER WITH YOU. INDULGE IN THE LIFE OF A PARENT AND BUY ME BATBURGER.

Bruce, teeth gritted: why do you always do this when i’m in the middle of important cases?

Jason, instantly calm: -i dunno, things just work out i guess.

*long, tense silence*

Faint male voice, hesitating: u-uh, well- well here’s the address you wanted..?

Bruce: *sigh* thank you. now take back your wallet and get out of here before i change my mind and hand you over to the police.

Faint male voice: thank you-!

Jason: so do i get food or not?

*a beat*

Bruce, resigned: we can take a quick break to go to batburger, but we’re using the drive-through.

Jason: *instant cheer*

Bruce, begrudgingly fond: i’ll meet you at the batmobile.

Jason: nice, let me text Dick,

Bruce: wait, what-

*connecting ping*

Dick: -we get batburger!?

Jason: i told you he’d be more likely to say yes if i asked.

Bruce, slightly indignant: oh so now it’s both of you? your brothers go off for one weekend and suddenly you come crawling out of the woodwork to mooch off my funds?

Dick, proudly: yes!

Jason, matter-of-factly: it’s very important to continue to keep the bonds strong with your elder adult wards, as their new-found maturity and ability to drink alcohol with you allows the opportunity for a new and exciting familial relationship.

Dick: you fucking nerd.

Jason: -shut up.

Bruce, holding back a chuckle: both of you be quiet. just meet me at the batmobile before i change my mind.

papayafromtv

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 79 (masterpost here)

*connecting ping*

Jason, over the roar of a motorcycle engine: y'ello. just you tonight?

Dick: heyyy, littlewing! yeah, i'm just keeping an eye on some stuff, it's kinda quiet tonight. whatcha' up to?

Jason: actually i'm on my way back from an out-of-town mission and i'm passing Blud. figured i'd swing by rather than go all the way to Gotham tonight, if you aren't busy.

Dick: sounds good to me. wanna meet up and finish my patrol with me? was gonna get pizza on my way back home.

Jason: i'm down, where should i go?

Dick: uhh, 'bouta come up to Stark Ave, if you wanna cross lines there?

Jason: got it.

Dick: did you hear the latest bullshit going down over at the manor?

Jason, dry: 'latest bullshit' could be anything from some shit Damian did two weeks ago to something Tim did this morning; you gotta be more specific.

Dick: i was over there a few days ago and got the gossip from Alfred. *amused* B's mad at Damian because he thinks Damian's a bully at school.

Jason: oh yeah, i was there when that started. he's still on that?

Dick: you knew and didn't tell me?!

Jason: sorry. it's bullshit anyway, i just figured B would forget before we even got back to the cave. they're still going on about it?

Dick: they were arguing for hours. did Damian even do anything?

Jason, instantly: oh, yeah. he did that shit. 100% guilty.

Dick, in disbelief: what?! are you telling me my baby brother is a bully?! Jason, you were supposed to raise him better than that!

Jason: no- *wheeze* no, you're misunderstanding me. yeah, he's beaten a couple people up and made some kids cry, but he isn't a bully.

*a beat*

Jason: not intentionally, anyway. *engine cuts out* i'm here by the way.

Dick: what the fuck?

Jason, defensive: well- you know how Damian is!

Dick: less and less as the days go by... i'm above you, look up.

Jason: *chuckle* alright, alright that's fair. but you know how like, quick-witted he is? he's got the silver tongue of a fucking snake, it's annoying how good he is at insulting people.

Dick: oh yeah. i've been saying since he showed up in Gotham that we need to get that little guy into a debate team. he'd sweep.

Jason: exactly! but the problem is he also doesn't have any kind of regulation about appropriate levels of harshness in response to other peoples' insults, right? like... if somebody comes at you with a level one insult, then the correct response is a matching level one rebuttal or a level two if you want to shut them down. level three if they're an ass--but you get me, right? there's rules.

Dick, snorting: ok, yeah, i get it. Damian does not play by those rules ever.

Jason: exactly! this fucker's going around like it's a constant free-for-all!

Dick: -one time i told him he looked kind of like a chipmunk when he scrunches his nose and gets all annoyed. he looks me straight in the eyes and without missing a beat tells me, 'and you look like an echo of the man Mary and John Grayson wanted you to be. i bet you fall asleep at night thinking about how disappointed they would be if they could see the mess you've grown up to become.'

Jason: *loud wheeze*

Dick: -aND I WAS LIKE DAMN KID? FRIENDLY FIRE?!

Jason: SO YOU- *cackle* SO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN-?!

Dick: yeah, but i thought it was just a family thing! are you telling me that he's pulling that shit with innocent school children?!

Jason: *still cackling* no you- *choke* you gotta- you gotta give Day a break, man. he- *wheeze* he doesn't mean to,

Dick, starting to laugh incredulously: how is he not meaning to-?!

Jason: well he's- *laugh* he's not the one starting it, you know? like- these kids aren't completely innocent. the issue is, kids try to pick on Damian with their lame-ass level two insults, and- *wheeze* Damian keeps turning around to smack them across the faces with instant level ten shit-,

Dick: *wheezing* Damian no,

Jason: -and then these other kids start crying and snitch on Damian to their teachers, and when the teacher is told what happens it's shit like 'i told Damian he was a rich bitch and he told me i deserved my uncle's cancer diagnosis',

Dick: *losing his shit*

Jason, struggling to keep composure: e- *breathless wheeze* exactly! so obviously, it comes off that Day's a bully when in reality he's just an idiot who doesn't understand the concept of pulling your verbal punches when shutting down people stupider than you.

Dick: *delirious* god, this kid-! you gotta feel bad for the other students, right? those poor guys, having to grow up alongside Damian Al Ghul.

Jason: they'll fuckin'- they'll learn quick, that's for sure. you know it's not just verbal, right? i picked him up from school once and as he came down the steps towards my car some kid tried to trip him up; he turned with the speed of a fucking horror movie villain, grabbed the kid by the head and smashed him against the wall. then kept on to my car like nothing had happened.

Dick: oh my god. what did you do?

Jason: *snort* fuck'm'i suposed to do? i checked the kid was still alive and then bought Damian an ice cream.

Dick: OK- well no fucking wonder he's like this; with you raising him!

Jason, defensive: sue me for wanting the kid to not be afraid to stick up for himself! i don't want my kid being bullied by some twats in a Gotham private school.

Dick: aw, don't want him to go through the hell you did?

Jason, confused: what hell? i wasn't bullied.

Dick: ...wait. you weren't?

Jason: no?! were you?

Dick: WHY WEREN'T YOU BULLIED?

Jason, in awe: holy shit you were bullied weren't you?

Dick: WHAT THE FUCK.

Jason: *loud cackling* oh my god, you got bullied?!

Dick: *sputtering* i- ok well- i- fucking- a little bit, but to be fair i didn't know until years later that it was bullying so it barely counts!

Jason: how the fuck do you not know if you're being bullied or not?

Dick, indignant: well! i was very in my own head when i was in school! i didn't realise they were mocking me. they would just- *slight wheeze* they would just yell shit like 'hey circus boy, do a trick for us!' and my delusional-ass would just be like 'cool! gymnastics at school!' and i'd do one. i didn't really clock that-

Jason: *loud wheeze* that they were just-

Dick: -yeah they basically just made me into their circus pet in an attempt to belittle me, and i just liked doing the circus stuff so much that i didn't realise it was supposed to be belittling.

Jason: *laughing loudly* god- you make me so happy.

Dick, annoyed: i can't believe you weren't bullied. this is such bullshit, you were literally a weird street kid dropped into the most expensive school in the city. nobody gave you a hard time?

Jason: no? i- i mean- i'm sure they would have, had i given them the chance? but i didn't speak to anybody. i don't actually think anybody knew i attended that school. like- nobody from any of my classes went to my public funeral, right?

Dick, pointedly: how would i know? i wasn't there.

Jason: *wheeze*

Dick, snickering: no i- i did check the logs after i came back and found out; come to think of it, i don't think anybody from your school showed up.

Jason: see, exactly. i was in and out of that place like the wind. didn't speak to nobody, sat in the back of every class, did my work perfectly to avoid speaking to my teachers--i used to climb over the fence and eat lunch in that etsy witch's store a couple streets over to avoid social interaction. Stella knew more about me than anyone at Gotham Academy; i was invisible.

Dick, dubious: you used to eat lunch with an etsy witch?

Jason: yeah. paid her one time to cast some kind of spell on me that would make nobody in class want to talk to me. i was dedicated to this shit.

Dick: ok, so what you're saying is you would have been bullied in high school, but you got away without being bullied because you just didn't have any friends.

Jason: yeah. it was less that people weren't interested in making my life hard, and more just... people didn't think i was interesting point blank.

*a beat*

Dick: that does make me feel a lot better about me being bullied.

Jason: *wheeze* shut up, dickhead.

*three seconds of silence*

Jason: 'kids in Tim's school used to call him Young Sheldon.

Dick: ohmygod that's genius-

papayafromtv

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 78 (masterpost here)

*gunshot*

Jason: yeeeeee~ boi! dude, these guys suck.

Bruce: Hood, *grunt, harsh impact* just focus, please.

Jason: wa-wah wah, you’re always so against mid-fight chatter. we’re winning, aren’t we? anyway, what were we talking about?

Tim: *yelp* sHIT- man i hate when the bad guys get creative with weapons. fuck you for bringing hairspray and a lighter, you asshole.

Damian: i believe we were talking about whether Robin was ‘worth it’.

Jason: oh yeah. what’s your verdict?

Damian: well for me? yes. if i wasn’t Robin, then i wouldn’t have been present and capable of supplying this man with a lighter so he could throw fire at Red Robin.

Tim: ROBIN-

Bruce, sternly: Robin.

Jason, over more gunshots: *laughing* ok what about you, Replacement? was Robin what you wanted it to be?

*crashing, groans of pain*

Tim, panting: eh-? oh, no, not even close. i thought i’d get to rescue so many more bullies than i did.

Damian: …what?

Jason: yeah, elaborate.

Bruce: i need somebody on my six, Robin get over here. Hood, can you and Red Robin get to the hostages?

Jason: yeah yeah- sh, hold on. whaddaya mean save more bullies?

Tim: well… *gunshot* jesus- *punching sound* you know, it’s like that common trope in teen superhero movies? the bullied kid gets powers, becomes a hero, and then in-mask rescues their high school bully from a villain to show that they are stronger both physically and morally. i wanted that moment, but i never fucking got it, and it really pissed me off.

Damian, slightly strained: you are a very strange boy, you know that?

Tim: shut up, you literally grew up in a cult.

Jason, amused: *snickering* are you- so are you saying you got bullied in high school?

Tim, bland: yeah. lotta people thought i was a peeping tom because of the camera hyperfixation, so ‘peeping Tim’ was a common nickname back then.

Jason: *cackle*

Damian, absently: ‘thought you were a peeping tom?

Jason: *cackling harder*

Tim: *outraged* NO?!?

Bruce, hissing: no names in the mask—we are in the middle of a mission!

Jason, still laughing: calm down, me and peeping Tim over here are alone, we haven’t made it to the hostages yet.

Tim: SHUT UP. I WAS NEVER A PEEPING TOM, OH MY GOD, I JUST LIKED TAKING PHOTOS OF VIGILANTES DOING COOL FLIPS IN THE AIR-!

Damian: i have seen photos of Hood shirtless during his Robin days.

Tim: *sputtering*

Jason: *laughing even harder*

Tim: how is it my fault that this idiot got his top splashed with acid mid-photo?!!?!

Jason: i take it- i take it back, i’m no longer surprised you got bullied, this is awesome.

Tim, whining: shut up!

Damian: honestly Red, a single nickname does not seem that bad. i have witnessed much worse. i have done much worse.

Tim: oh no, i got beaten up a bunch too.

Jason: tracks.

Bruce: Robin, what do you mean you’ve done much worse?

Damian, completely serious: it’s Gotham public school, Father. it’s kill or be killed.

*a beat*

Bruce: …you don’t go to public school.

Damian: …i don’t? it’s a school built in a public area, isn’t it?

*another beat*

Bruce: ok, you don’t know what a public school is.

Jason: Red i hope you know i’m literally never letting the peeping Tim thing go, like ever.

Tim: honestly? not the worst name i got called. i skipped a couple grades and made the mistake of carrying a briefcase once.

Jason: …so?

Tim: i got called Young Sheldon so much that the school counseller thought i’d transitioned and Tim was my deadname.

*another beat*

Jason: *abrupt breathless cackles* OH MY- OH MY GOD THAT’S SO GOOD- *choking wheeze*

Tim, dry: yeah thought you might like that.

Jason, still losing it: WHERE’S MY- FUCK I NEED TO TEXT DICK- *more wheezing*

Tim: i hate having older brothers.

Damian: you did literally give him this yourself,

Tim, whining: -i know! i forget how much of an asshole they both can be.

Damian: so you never got to save any bully from a rogue?

Tim, forlorn: no. one of my old bullies ended up working for Scarecrow, though?

Damian: *interested hum*

Tim: yeah, but apparently he got drunk and sucked on a pipe of fear gas thinkin’ it was helium. had a panic attack and broke his legs jumping into Gotham harbour.

Bruce: i would like to circle back to Robin claiming to be a bully.

Damian: i only beat up those who deserve it!

Bruce: son, you shouldn’t be beating up anybody. you don’t have the right to decide who deserves to be physically assaulted, you should know this.

*a long stretch of silence*

Damian, blandly: uh-huh. your knuckles are bruised. *pointedly* did i do a good job watching your six?

Jason: *quietly snickering again*

Bruce: …that’s… dif-

Damian: no you took too long. you lose.

Tim: he’s right, that is how that works.

Bruce: … *sigh*

Jason: yo, shelly, i found the hostages,

Tim: Jason i swear to god-

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au where Jason is the one to deliver Damian to Bruce but he and Damian get into an argument on the drive over about how good at stealth missions Damian is and it ends in Jason double-dog daring him to skip the whole 'introduction' aspect of going to live with Bruce and instead to just sneak into the manor and see how long he can go unnoticed for.

Damian's claim is that the manor is so big and Damian's so good at remaining hidden that he could live in the manor without anybody else there clocking him easy. Jason just wants to see how long he can actually go because in his mind the longer Bruce goes without realising he has Damian in the house, the funnier the reveal will be. he's actually kinda rooting for Damian purely because it's funnier if he pulls it off for a really long time first. then Jason can snitch on him and the fall-out will be glorious.

he lasts about four months.

two weeks in and Alfred becomes suspicious, but chooses to believe that it's raccoons or pigeons in the attic because then he doesn't have to get involved. and he really doesn't want to get involved.

a month in and Damian almost gets caught by Tim while trying to steal some food in the middle of the night and getting cornered in the kitchen, but Tim hadn't slept in three days and was high on cold medicine at the time so he assumed that Damian was actually a hallucination of Bruce as a child, and all he did was stare Damian directly in the eye and solemnly tell him 'never ask your parents to go see a movie with you.' before going to pass out in the study.

two months in and Damian has gotten into a rhythm with it. feeling unchallenged, he starts waiting for Bruce to fall asleep in front of the batcomputer during hard cases so he can sneak out from the walls and fix whatever Bruce is getting wrong and solving the case before he wakes up.

three months in and Dick runs into him while sneaking in through a side door so he can grab some stuff from his bedroom without having to talk to Bruce, but Damian bullshits that he's one of Tim's school friends visiting to complete a school project, and Dick gives him twenty dollars to promise that he won't tell anybody Dick is in the building.

four months in and he gets cocky; starts ordering packages to the manor addressed to himself. Alfred asks Bruce at the dinner table why they've received an amazon package for 'Damian Wayne' and nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. the next night the Red Hood snitches and asks how 'Damian's doing' and Bruce becomes convinced that Hood has the manor bugged. demands a full sweep of the building. Tim comes across Damian napping in a hammock in the attic wearing Tim's presumed-lost clothes next to a pile of supremely confidential files stolen from the batcave.

Damian wakes up and promptly tells them all that they aren't allowed to be mad because the statute of limitations for breaking and entering has passed already. Jason laughs so hard he cries.

ciricearts

he looks adorable theree

ula-f

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