On 1.5 years: thankful reflection,
Today, I am thankful. Extremely thankful, in fact. And I am thankful all the more to be filled with thankfulness.
If you’ve walked with me from August of this year, you’ll know that it hasn’t always been this way. Quite frankly, I wasn’t quite expecting myself to ever feel such a deep sense of thankfulness this school year. Last semester was riddled daily with wrestling - even despairing - over how to love my students, that I had begun to resign to being okay with teaching them out of simply a sense of responsibility, but perhaps not a genuine care for them and their souls. I entered this second semester with heaving sighs and desperate pleas for God to carry me through each day; if only He would equip me to sincerely love them each day at a time. And praise God that He has answered that prayer - and today, He has filled my heart with gratitude to proclaim His faithfulness.
My students still drive me crazy. They are extremely talkative. They can be rude and sassy. They poke and prod on purpose, like when they make comments that they know I disapprove of, their intentions betrayed by their facial expressions as they wait for some type of reaction.
But they are also incredibly hilarious and encouraging. Their eagerness to learn, their persistence in asking questions, and their word vomit of random facts fills my heart. They encourage me to try again and persevere. They challenge me to see the world, to a degree, with childlike wonder. They move me to stand up for others and to be a voice of advocacy. They serve as incredibly tangible proofs that God, indeed, is good in all His creation. He wastes nothing and He makes no mistakes. He cares about every little detail in our lives. My students also provide comical relief on most days. They say the darnedest things, only made funnier by their unassuming disposition and innocence. Case in point:
Thursday last week, in our History class, I was talking about polytheism. I mentioned that some cultures in the past would sacrifice their children as a form of worship.
One of my students, with *sincere eagerness* exclaimed, “I want to be sacrificed!”
And I stood by the projector thinking, “Uhh… I really don’t think you do.” I thought the funniest was over, but then…
Another student one seat over proceeded to ask: “Ms. Gomez, what’s it like to be sacrificed?”
And I might have drawn a blank for a few seconds because, what do you say to that? I don’t know… I’ve never been sacrificed 😅
Teaching them is definitely not a field of roses everyday. I’ve gotten frustrated more than once, and today was one such day. I had to exercise more austerity with a student who continues to burp out loud and interrupt conversations without any trace of remorse. But I’m learning, slowly, to be okay with this. To be okay with the fact that days do not have to be all fine and dandy, and to embrace the craziness because reality is almost always crazy. I am learning to not settle with simply fulfilling my responsibility, because my students deserve more.
With that, I’m also learning when to hold my tongue and extend grace, rather than allow my flesh to result in baseless explosion of anger or demanding control. I am learning to fight to daily love my students, to commit to them. I am learning daily to fight for joy when it is otherwise easy to just get lost in the dreariness of routine and grumble. I am learning that fighting for these things is okay. I do not need to feel certain emotions or happy butterflies just to be reassured of my commitment to teach them and watch them grow. Days can be difficult and challenging, as much as they can be easy and rewarding. God redeems all kinds of days and orchestrates them for His purposes.
I am learning to not settle with simply fulfilling my responsibility ultimately because God deserves a joyful submission, whether circumstances are hard or easy. I am learning that thankfulness and joy are rooted in the steadfastness of Jesus, my Savior. And therefore, there can still be thankfulness and joy amidst unfavorable circumstances.
Praise the Lord that He is, indeed, steadfast. In Him, there is no variation or shadow due to change (James 1:17). All that He says comes to be; everything He sends out returns to Him having accomplished its purpose (Isaiah 55:11). He has said that I will go out in joy and peace, and He has given the strength and power to live in joy and peace because He redeems (Isaiah 55:12; 48:20). I am able to live with thankfulness because there is purpose in all things that come to be and pass, and God is good in all of it.
And today - this week - after I’ve had to correct at least one of my students two days in a row, I am thankful. I am thankful for my students, who relieve my stress with their silliness almost as quickly as they can induce it with their stubbornness / rebellious nature (haha). I am thankful for the privilege to teach, to be entrusted with the task of shaping my students’ thinking. I am thankful for the waves of busyness that keep me on my toes, and the waves of ease that allow for rest. I am thankful for times of difficulty and challenge that stretch me and remind me of my limitations and dependent nature, because these lead me to cling all the more to my Savior. I am thankful for the opportunity to stand for a cause I believed in and witness solidarity. I am thankful for coworkers who are dedicated, passionate, silly/ridiculous, incredibly intelligent and people I can consider my mentors. I am thankful for early mornings, late nights, and short 10- and 30-minute break/lunch times that provide some sort of stillness in an otherwise busy, bustling, full day. I am thankful for the opportunity to still live with my parents in this season, to be the recipient of their lavish love and extravagant grace, most often presented in the form of food on the table and my mom staying up most nights waiting for me to walk through the front door.
I am thankful for long drives to Irvine that provide me with the opportunity to reflect/meditate/memorize/pray. I am thankful for early morning Sunday Bible study with sisters + a dedicated pastor for the past 5 weeks. I am thankful for sisters who are willing to both walk alongside me and give me the privilege of walking alongside them. I am thankful for the promise that God hears the prayers of the righteous, and that He hears my prayers because He has caused me to stand upon the perfect righteousness of Jesus (Proverbs 15:29; James 5:16). I am thankful for the discipline of recording prayers because I can tangibly see God’s kindness to hear my prayers and His wisdom in answering them. I am thankful for the opportunity to play and enjoy football - a sport I never imagined I would ever enjoy (hopefully it lasts haha). I am thankful for my car where I now usually spend time in prayer and the Word before I start the workday. I am thankful for convictions that weigh upon my heart because they assure me of God’s work in me. I am thankful for friends who wound in the present for the sake of my long-term growth - that they would love my soul, rather than my comfort, is terribly humbling. I am thankful for the privilege to partner with friends who are convicted to go in obedience to the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20). I am thankful that it is God who walks before them to reach the nations. I am thankful for the sufficiency of Scripture and its power to teach, reprove, correct, train in righteousness, equip, and transform (2 Timothy 3:16-17). I am thankful for faithful, servant-leaders who love the Lord, His Word, His church, and who submit themselves under the authority of God. I am thankful for the privilege to study Scripture, and the greater privilege to know my Lord intimately. I am thankful for God’s grace that pardons and continues to change my heart to be one like Mary’s in a predominantly Martha world. Most of all, I am thankful for God who saved me, continues to save me from myself, qualifies me to share in the inheritance of the saints (Colossians 1:12), has transferred me from the dominion of darkness into light in Jesus, and is my sure and steady anchor amidst the waves of uncertainty.
And for the ability to praise and give thanks, I am all the more thankful.
I planned to write a reflection post on my first year of teaching at the end of last year, but alas, here we are 1 year, 1 semester, and 4 weeks later. Hahaha. Such is life nowadays, it seems; but better late than never. This post only covers a fraction of what I’ve been reflecting on and all the thankfulness that has accumulated in my heart, but I’m thankful (again) to be able to start somewhere. Hopefully, this will only result in an avalanche of clear thinking about the past 1.5 years. In all things, praise the Lord!
[1] Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
[2] Give thanks to the God of gods,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
[3] Give thanks to the Lord of lords,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[4] to him who alone does great wonders,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[5] to him who by understanding made the heavens,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[6] to him who spread out the earth above the waters,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[7] to him who made the great lights,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[8] the sun to rule over the day,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[9] the moon and stars to rule over the night,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[10] to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[11] and brought Israel out from among them,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[12] with a strong hand and an outstretched arm,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[13] to him who divided the Red Sea in two,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[14] and made Israel pass through the midst of it,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[15] but overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red Sea,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[16] to him who led his people through the wilderness,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[17] to him who struck down great kings,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[18] and killed mighty kings,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[19] Sihon, king of the Amorites,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[20] and Og, king of Bashan,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[21] and gave their land as a heritage,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[22] a heritage to Israel his servant,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
[23] It is he who remembered us in our low estate,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[24] and rescued us from our foes,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
[25] he who gives food to all flesh,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
[26] Give thanks to the God of heaven,
for his steadfast love endures forever. Psalm 136 (ESV)
