suicidal thoughts and doubts about myself

18 || virgo || she/her

[am-i-needed-here]

I’m so tired.

i’m tired of not knowing.

i’m tired of being anxious all the time.

i’m tired of always trying SO HARD and it’s never enough.

Why do i still bother? when i’ve been rejected over and over again, why do i still hold onto the hope that there’s something out there for me? is it some innate part of being human? or am i just a hopeless optimist who can’t take a hint that something’s not meant to be? i don’t know.

i just wish things were clearer.

[sotick]

[ectotechgodhead]

i dont ever feel loved i just feel like a burden and it sucks, its like ‘stay away cause you’re gonna hate me and leave’. but at the same time im like ‘come here so I can love you forever and dont ever let me go’.

[wishingto-disappear]

yes

[ojibwa]

[am-i-needed-here]

Mistakes

[am-i-needed-here]

Advice?

I have panic attacks. I just haven’t wanted to mislabel them and have people say I’m “overdramatic”. I called them “anxiety attacks” (as if that made them any better). I have them all the time, though they’ve gotten worse the past few months. Originally, maybe they were anxiety attacks, but now they’ve gotten out of hand. I can’t breath in some situations. I tremble whenever I’m in the presence of someone I don’t know well. I feel so tight in my chest, for no reason. I can barely even order a coffee. I talk to the minimum amount of people outside of my family. What should I do?

[killed-long-ago-deactivated2021]

[heartbreakhur]

[imjustalittlecupcake]

Blue skies ahead

Behind, darkness, punctuated by a few streetlights

Leper’s, social outcasts, deemed unusable

Umbrellas up, nothing can stop the clouds tears

Embers put out before anything can catch flame

Sharing our stories, competing for love and likes

Killing our minds with flashing lights

Interesting, the therapist says, writing more notes

Enter the pharmacy to pick up more mind numbing pills

Sweetness thwarted by responsibilities

Another mouse in an ocean of rats

Hate everyone (especially yourself)

Empty words fill with meaning

Anyone else out there?

Drive to find the words

[am-i-needed-here]

I broke up with my bf in august bc i was super depressed and i couldnt deal with having the obligations of having a bf, and i felt guilty bc i didnt want to be a needy bitch, and i felt like i wasnt adding enough to our relationship. i’m really sad now though because i miss him and the fact that he would never judge me for my problems he’d just listen quietly and then hug me and help me try to get better. 

[am-i-needed-here]

Turns out I was just gay

[imjustalittlecupcake]

Dreamer: part 1

She keeps having the same dream. A field of flowers, ones that she recognizes from Mamas garden but can’t remember the names for. She feels bad for her memory loss, as though forgetting the flower names meant she was forgetting Mama. As much as she wants to stay in the field, she feels compelled to move, and starts walking towards the setting sun. She walks for what seems like hours, before finally spotting what seems to be a well in the distance. She then realizes how thirsty she is, and picks up her pace towards the well. After a few minutes, she looks up from the road and sees a man directly in front of her. She stood short to avoid walking into him. As much as she tries, she cannot place his face, though it looks oddly familiar. When he reaches out to brush her hair behind her ear, she flinches back. He pauses, taking her body language in with languid eyes that she can’t quite pin a color to. Mesmerized by those eyes, she barely notices when he brings his hand the rest on her cheek. She feels a faint twinge of anxiety as his hands move to hold her shoulders. His eyes… unworldly. Tingles run through her spine, and she finds her eyes growing heavy. So tired. She walked all this way, she deserves a break. But she wants-needs- to keep focusing on his eyes. Sleep. No! She begins to panic, knowing that if she loses sight of those perfect bottomless pits, she will never see them again. Sleep. Maybe, just for a little. Just a few minutes. Her eyes begin to close on their own accord. She perceives his nails digging into her arms, trying to keep her awake. Sleep. Yes, she thinks. Sleep would be nice. A few hours. His eyes try to convey a message to her. Joy? No. Panic. His eyes warning her are the last thing she sees before darkness consumes her.

When she awakens in a cold sweat, the details are already fading. Night after night she sees the man, leaving her groggy and unable to focus during the day. Her therapist thinks it’s some kind of childhood trauma. Somehow she doubts that. Although she has plenty to be traumatized about, this doesn’t remind her of the constant uncertainty of her childhood. She’s not sure what this reminds her of. She sighs, and rolls out of bed, knowing she won’t get any more sleep. She takes her time brushing her teeth, showering and eating. When she looks at the clock, she’s surprised to find that it’s already 7:30. She finds a semi clean pair of clothes and doesn’t bother looking in the mirror before grabbing her keys and leaving the house. There was a time in her life that she cared about how she looked. She used to spend money on makeup and clothes, trying to fit in with the latest trends. She wonders what happened to that carefree girl. The one that had suffered so much, but still managed to put it all behind her for a few hours at a time. That girl hadnt allowed everything to suffocate her. Looking out the window of the bus, she dimly realizes that her stop is next. She collects herself, noticing, but not really caring, that she had forgotten to bring her purse. She sighed, barely audibly, and thanked herself for at least remembering to bring her wallet and keys. Her memory was getting worse and worse. The bus slowed to a stop and she hopped out of the still opening doors.

She walks quickly towards the huge library at the end of the block, hoping the faster she walked, the faster she’d leave her unpleasant thoughts behind. As she opens the library, she can’t help but gaze towards the windows, wishing she were outside instead of stuck indoors. She grabs a cart of books to put back on the shelves, and takes shelter in the monotony of her day.

[overthink]

Charlotte Grimm

[emilydb]

When you are a cutter

you notice different things.

You notice how some people only wear long sleeves

and pants

even on the hottest days of summer.

You notice the red, when bracelets slip down in class.

You notice

people empty eyes

and the way they tag away

when someone grabs their arms.

& you glance the room looking at people’s wrists

searching for scars

just like yours.

[overthink]

[compljcated]

my best friend stopped going to school for days at a time her senior year. when the boy she’d been in love with since she was 15 broke her heart for what seemed like the millionth time, i think she lost the last piece she had of herself. she stopped picking herself up off the floor and started laying in the middle of streets, blaming her absences on senioritis and late nights. i think when you love someone that much, it really takes a toll on you. sunsets start painting out their name in orange hues and the wind sounds like their laugh and your brother starts wearing the same cologne as they did, and you can’t get away from any of it no matter how hard you try to.

when my friend and his girlfriend of four years broke up our junior year, he started doing his homework less and started partying more. i think when he lost the only constant he had known since we were all 12, he crumbled. he promised my friends and i that he was just having fun now that he was free, but i stopped recognizing the look in his eyes the day she broke his heart. i think when you spend so much time with one person and they leave, you don’t just lose them, but you lose yourself too.

my friend and his girlfriend broke up for the last time because she promised she wouldn’t cheat on him again or hit him again, and she broke them both. they were driving down the road on the way to school and she made him pull over so she could hit him because she was angry. that night she crawled into bed with her ex, and it broke my friend in every place possible. he swore he was okay, but every time someone raised their voice or moved too fast, he flinched. i think when someone you love hurts you and says it’s because they care, you expect everyone else to hurt you too.

when i was 16 i thought i had fallen in love with the boy in my english class but really i loved the way he made me feel wanted and he loved the way my body felt against his. i learned that no matter how hard or loud you scream or how many times you tell him not to touch you it doesn’t mean he’ll listen, so i learned to shut my mouth and save my breath because it wasn’t going anywhere anyway. he broke me that night and i lost pieces of myself on my bedroom floor. i step on them every now and again and can’t find it in me to keep moving forward, so i go back to bed. i think when someone who you trust enough to be vulnerable with takes more than you give, you expect the rest of the world to want it all from you too.

lessons we shouldn’t have to learn

[animalsnaps]

Dating in this generation pointless cause everyone either stuck on their ex or broken from old shit they can’t let go

@thesexualquotes (via thesexualquotes)

[selfloveqxeen]

pretending

repost if youre pretending to be happy when youre sad