Throughout my pregnancy, I was so curious about other people’s birth stories. My brain felt like a sponge and I wanted to absorb as much as I could during those 9 months. I couldn’t stop reading, researching and asking questions. I’m still amazed at how every birth story is uniquely different. I think it contributes to the beauty of motherhood. Every mama has their own distinct style of parenting as well. There is no single, proper way to have a baby or be a mother. While the memory of June’s birth is fresh in my mind, I want to preserve every detail. One day, when my daughter decides to embark on the journey of motherhood, I will be so excited and proud to share this story with her.
June Meadow Stockman
Due June 28, 2019
Arrived July 6, 2019 (41+1) @ 7:44pm
8lbs 20.5 Inches
North Florida Regional, Gainesville Fl
I had a great pregnancy and really no complaints. I attributed that to my mindset - pregnancy is such a gift, not a terrible condition. Sure, I was tired some days and wanted to stay in bed, but that wouldn’t feed my soul and make me feel better so I continued to get out of bed and go to work, up until I went into labor.
No words could explain the happiness that would take over on the days when I’d feel her move around inside me. It outweighed the only negative symptom I really had, which was an uncomfortable pain in my upper right rib cage area that would only be relieved if I stretched my hands over my head. I also had all the fun symptoms of morning sickness during the first trimester, but that was easily forgotten about in the weeks to follow.
From about 36-37 weeks on, I ate the 6 dates a day, drank red raspberry leaf tea daily, added Evening Primrose to my vitamin arsenal, hand pumped colostrum daily starting at 40 weeks, made a special visit to the chiropractor at 40+5 and drank a batch of Labor Day Tea on the 4th of July =) I weighed 135 lbs at the beginning of my pregnancy and gained a whopping 40 lbs during the 9 months that followed.
Friday, July 5th, started out as a normal morning for me. I woke up feeling good and decided to spend the morning cleaning our giant sliding glass doors. After lunch, I sat at my desk on my birth ball basically all afternoon. That evening, I started feeling some light cramps and thought that maybe it could be the start of labor. I had been passing a lot of mucus throughout the day. Subliminally, I think I knew that this was definitely early labor but I stayed calm and waited for what was to come.
I had lost my actual mucus plug on my due date, June 28th. I think it was because my doctor had (unknowingly to me) swept my membranes on June 26th. I’m not sure that I would have lost it that early otherwise. At that appointment, I was 1cm dilated and 80% effaced. At my following appointment on July 2nd, I was still only 1cm dilated, 80% effaced and he noted in my chart that the baby was sitting pretty high (-3 I think they called it). He suggested that I be induced with pitocin the following day “because of the size of the baby”. According to him, she would weigh 8lbs 5 ounces. He didn’t think that I could deliver her vaginally and told me that if I waited any longer, I could end up in an emergency c-section situation.
None of that was in my plan. I wanted a natural birth. I wanted to let my body do what it was made to do. It created this child, I knew it had the ability to birth this child too. Against my doctor’s recommendations, I decided to wait. My plan would be to give her until the following week then revisit induction if needed. I knew there were high chances that pitocin could lead to a c-section. While me trying to vaginally deliver could also lead to a c-section. So I chose to take my chances, trust my body and let it work through this naturally.
So back to the night I went into labor...
Around 7:30pm, Nate & I drove to pickup some togo food. General Tso’s Chicken - we never do this but as a kid, Chinese was one of my favorites and I felt like splurging. After we ate dinner, I laid on the couch watching Stranger Things and those cramps I’d been having, evolved into evident contractions by 8pm. They were about 7-10 minutes apart.
After timing a few, I called my Doula (Amy) who was out of town and she confirmed that my labor had definitely started. She told me to try to labor as long as I could at home and to rest if I could, so that is what I did. I don’t think that I actually slept at all but I laid in bed and worked through contractions with my eyes closed until about 3am, when I had a really sharp pain/contraction that made me sit straight up. When I stood up to get out of bed, fluid ran down my leg. It wasn’t much but I know it was my water breaking. I labored in the bathroom for about 45 more minutes then woke Nate up and told him it was time to drive to the hospital. It didn’t even cross my mind to shower and do my hair/makeup so our birth photos are a little rough but that’s the reality of it! The next photo is the last pic of my bump at 5:13am before waking Nate up.
Our hospital was an hour and fifteen minute drive but surprisingly, the trip went smooth and we even stopped for gas on the way. My contractions were now 5-7 minutes apart and I could breath through them with my eyes closed and my mind focused on breathing. I could not talk through them though. We checked into North Florida at 6am and when they checked my cervix, I was 3cm dilated and 100% effaced. They couldn’t believe how thinned out I was. They didn’t think my water had broken, but since I was GBS positive they wanted to go ahead and admit me so they could start two rounds of penicillin.
They admitted me into a L&D room where I continued to labor through the contractions, which were growing more and more intense. Around 11am, I felt strong pressure in my abdomen. I stood up to make a trip to the bathroom and more liquid burst down my leg. They still wouldn’t confirm that it was my water breaking. They said there could have just been a leak in the upper side of my bag of waters but that it wouldn’t make much of a difference.
While walking back from the bathroom, my contractions were so intense, that I could barely walk, let alone talk, think or breath. I couldn’t imagine a pain that was any worse and I couldn’t imagine laboring like this much longer. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just make it all go away. If someone could have punched me and knocked me out, I would have gladly accepted that pain instead. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t relax my body and breath through the contractions. I was so tense. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t think clearly and it was getting worse and worse as each minute went by. The pain was so intense that I started throwing up. I was hoping this was my “transition”. Looking for some positive news, I had the nurse check me again. I was only 4cm dilated.
It was then that I caved and decided to get the epidural. I didn’t see any other option. This was never my plan but I can honestly say that I did not regret it for a second, even in the moment of asking for it. Without it, I have no idea how I would have made it through. The pain immediately subsided once it was in place but the shaking started. I didn’t mind the shaking at all. It was a fair trade off to me. I couldn’t feel my legs at all for the next 4 hours but I could feel the intense pressure when a contraction came on. The contractions were now a relief to feel because I knew I was getting closer and closer to meeting June. So I labored for the next 4 hours, just breathing and watching the monitors.
They came into check me again around 3:30/4pm. The actual doctor did the check this time. It was my first time meeting him. He said I was 10cm!! Then he followed that with, “Well, maybe only 9.5 but you’re right there girl and 100% effaced, this baby is ready to meet you! Try to get some rest because you’ll be wanting to push soon”. This news totally validated my decision to get the epidural; I was clearly not progressing and the epidural allowed me to relax so that I could progress.
Nate had just left the hospital to get some lunch with my Dad & brother since we figured we had a lot of time to kill and they were starving. They were at Outback when we called and said they needed to come back ASAP!
I labored for another hour and a half until about 5pm when I felt like I was ready to start pushing. Since I was 100% effaced and fully dilated, I thought pushing would be the easy part. I was sooo wrong..pushing was HARD. My stomach kept cramping up with every push. Think of the kind of stomach cramps you’d get while trying to run further than you’ve ever ran in your life.
My contractions were every 2 - 3 minutes now and I pushed for the next 2.5 hours. That’s a lot of contractions and a lot of pushing. My nurse, Ming, was amazing and so positive. They did a shift change at 7pm, during the middle of my pushes so she wasn’t actually there for the birth but the nurse that was, did a great job as well. The second nurse made me switch up my pushing position/technique by giving me the end of a sheet with knots in it. While I pushed, she basically played tug-of war with me to help me deepen my pushes. It really worked and I wish I had tried that sooner! No sooner had the doctor left my room, when they had to tell me to stop and called him back in for June’s arrival!
After the slight switch of positions, I pushed through another 3 or 4 rounds of contractions and little miss June finally enter the world at 7:44pm...at the end of a contraction, what a weird feeling when she finally slid out!
My doctor was totally amazing and brought such a positive energy into the room. My regular OB was out of town, so the “on-call” doctor delivered her and he just might become my regular doctor moving forward. We did immediate skin-on-skin and delayed cord clamping. Hearing her first cries was such an emotional moment that I’ll never forget. She was perfect and I was so thankful to have a healthy baby. I’ve left out the photos of me ugly crying when I first held her but trust me, it happened and was such an incredible feeling.
I ended up with a second degree tear but my doctor reassured me that it wasn’t bad at all. I think this happened because I was really pushing extra hard when he re-entered the room. I wanted him to stay, I wanted it to be the big moment already. I was pushing so hard that I started throwing up during pushing. That doctor’s shift ended at 8pm and I really wanted him to deliver her. My eyes were fixated on the clock.
Afterwards, I didn’t need to use pain medication and I really didn’t feel any strong pain ‘down there‘ afterwards. I just felt sore and stiff. I didn’t have to use the ice packs or numbing sprays. I actually packed up all my war supplies and donated it to a local women’s shelter. What a rewarding feeling! I was able to donate all of the free formula I’d received from formula companies, unused postpartum supplies (sitz bath, dermasol spray, ice packs, diapers, pads, creams) and extra gifted baby blankets.
Now at 3 weeks postpartum, all bleeding has stopped and I feel like I can return to all my normal activities. My weight has gone down to 147 on it’s own so that leaves me with 12 lbs still to lose.
Even though my birth experience didn’t happen as naturally as I’d envisioned it, I wouldn’t change a thing. If there is a second child in our future, I will still try to delivery naturally but I will be better mentally prepared. I didn’t realize how important the mental aspect was. My body was physically prepared but my mind was not in the right place. You wouldn’t think that matters as much as it does but now, after experiencing birth, I think your mindset controls 100% of the outcome. You need to be totally focused. No distractions or outside pressures. You have to practice breathing (I did not..I mean, how hard could freaking breathing in and out be, right?!). Practice your mantra. Repeat your birth plan over and over, out-loud and in your head. Practice breathing some more. Create a calming environment to birth in. Physically practice your various birth positions. Then practice breathing some MORE. Go above and beyond to do all of those things daily just like you would eat your dates, drink your tea and go for walks. It’s JUST as important, I promise. But most of all, savor it. Savor pregnancy, labor and being a mama. Cherish these memories because in the end they are all we have! My heart and soul feel more full than they ever have in my 30 years of existence. June Bug is the best and hardest job I’ve ever had <3
Yesterday, I woke up to this beautiful sunrise view from my bed and after a long day of work, I got back into bed and fell asleep with a smile on my face because of this little cat and his funny sleeping positions. I only made one resolution this year and it was to focus more on the little things.
“you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.”
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
Pretty stoked to use power tools tomorrow and build my first box garden with @debbie.ingram !!! 😀 #boxgarden #neighbors #springbreak #veggies (at Sandy Hook)
blakekathryn
romaincrisis
janainaart
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