Waves

there's something about nostalgia that is so bitter, yet so sweet

[ameeerah]

I try to not be bitter about it. I really do. But loving someone makes you powerless. There's no way to unlove someone who never broke your heart. I can't hate you. I can't wish for you to live an unhappy life. But I can be bitter about it. I can hope you dream of my eyes. I can hope that when you go to bed, all you can think of is the promises you made but couldn't keep. I hope when you are shopping and they play a song I loved, you are reminded of the exact moment I played it for you. I hope you are never able to wear the shirts I got for you, but you are never able to throw them away either. I hope you are always haunted by all the things I gave up for you. I loved you beyond reason, beyond logic. I loved you without any conditions. And I fell so hard that I can never look for love again. I hope the thought jolts you awake at night.

~ S // Love or death

[ameeerah]

When you finally find yourself grown up

And you go through things your 17 year old self couldn't have imagined

And you find out what grief really is

And you toss in your bed at 2 am trying to remember what being a child felt like

And you miss being a resentful teenager, even though you were a little insane

And you wonder what 9 year old you would have thought of 24 year old you

But you live, despite it all

And you go to places you've prayed for so long

And you meet someone who makes you feel warm and home

And you don't hate mirrors anymore

And you are not afraid of eating a burger anymore

And now you know that there are more days when you are at peace than when you are miserable

Maybe time heals everything, or maybe you get used to it. At this point, does it matter?

~ S // Is this it?

[ameeerah]

And how do you tell them that you haven't been abused and you haven't gone through trauma, but you still flinch at a loud voice and you still get panic attacks at night?

How do you tell them that your breathing becomes ragged and your knees start buckling at the thought of travelling alone on the subway?

How do you say that life seems pointless to you, even though you seem to have everything to lead a good life?

How do you say that you have don't feel like you have a connection with people even though you have a warm home and friends who announce their love for you on Instagram?

How do you tell them you can't sleep at night even though you work overtime and are always busy?

How do you make them realize that you feel unlovable and inefficient? That every new day is a struggle? That life is just going on and you don't know why you're stuck?

- S // Is there an answer?

[ameeerah]

Look, I am the last one awake again. It's like the night is my friend now. I sit for hours on the window sill looking outside. I've always been fascinated by stars and galaxies. When I was little, I would force myself to stay awake till the rest of the world fell asleep so I could look at the sky in the quiet. My birthday gift was a telescope when I turned 7 and I would sit in my dingy attic and pretend I was Galileo.

It's different now. I'm the last one awake but not because I want to look at the stars. I don't know where my telescope is. Maybe with everything else I lost interest in as I grew up. Isn't it funny? The things we thought we could never live without aren't in our lives anymore, and we don't care.

Oh, it's different now. I'm the last one awake because I've forgotten how to sleep. Or my sleep is with my telescope too. I don't look at the night sky anymore. I don't know when I am awake and when I am asleep anymore.

- S // I look at the ground more than I look at the sky now

[ameeerah]

Missed calls and unread texts

Unruly hair and tired eyes

Home doesn't feel like home

My body doesn't look like mine

There's something in my bones

A tiredness that's eating me

A sadness that's engulfing me

Tiredness that doesn't let me sleep

Sadness that doesn't let me cry

I stare at walls blankly for days

I don't understand what I am tired of

I don't know what's making me sad

I know I am withering away

I just don't understand why

- S // Does everything have a reason?

[ameeerah]

Lost. Lost in a place I call home. Lost and it feels like everyone else has a map but I don't even know where I am supposed to go. I'm homesick for a place I've never been to. I'm looking for a future that doesn't exist. I'm lost in a world where everyone has a blueprint of their plans but I never got mine.

- S // How do you feel?

[ameeerah]

I walk past the mirror without looking at it

I think

Mirrors show too much

And I lie down in my bed

I think about my life

Staring at the ceiling

I take in its bare nothingness

So bland and empty

I realize

There are some mirrors

You just can’t avoid

- S // When walls become mirrors

[ameeerah]

I want to write poetry

About the kind of love that can change the world and mend souls

About that little flutter my heart gives when I watch the starry sky

About the little boy eating the cotton candy ice cream

About the fireworks in your eyes when you talk about your favourite book

About the humming of bees and the honey in their beehives

About the cramped bakery down the street that smells like my childhood

About the crackling flames during campfires on cool autumn nights

About solitude and loneliness and coffee on rainy days to drown it all

- S // Love-struck by aesthetic poetry

[ameeerah]

My phone kept buzzing

Texts from my friends

Notes on my last post

Invites to brunch

But they didn't help

I kept staring at the wall

I was blank and hollow

Nauseous and starving

Nothing helps when you

Want to go into oblivion

And wake up only

When you feel better

- S // Lethargy

[ameeerah]

My sister's friend asked me last week

"Why don't you talk anymore?

We had to ask you to shut up before."

I pressed my lips as I looked at her

I gave my usual half smile and shrugged

My cousin told me as I hugged her

"You hug like a dead person, S!"

She walked through airport security

And I waved at her numbly

Shutting my dry, tearless eyes

My brother asked me during dinner

"In what way would you like to die?"

My hands froze as my throat became dry

"But am I not dead enough?"

The clinking of spoons and forks stopped

The realization of what I'd said hit me

That's when everyone turned a deaf ear

It's easier to ignore than to acknowledge

And I didn't know if I should laugh or cry

At my pitiful, hilarious plight

- S // How dead are you?

[ameeerah]

I don't know if it's

The twinkling of stars

Or sparkling of diamonds

That your eyes shine with

I don't know if it's

The smoke of cigarettes

Or fading, distant mountains

That is the colour of your eyes

I don't know if it's

The mall on Christmas eve

Or snuggles on a rainy day

That your eyes remind me of

- S // Warm eyes

[ameeerah]

You ask me what's wrong

I turn my head away

The sky is pouring

I look at my flashing phone

Unanswered texts greet my face

The whole day is stained with grey

I look for twinkling stars for hope

Dark clouds and fog is all I see

Disappointment fills me again

I shut my eyes to look for courage

I feel like you splashed icy water on me

I sniff as I look at you again

Did you ask me what was wrong?

I don't know, everything perhaps?

- S // Everything perhaps

[ameeerah]

Hospital waiting rooms

Departure lounges

Hotel lobbies

Sunsets on the beach

Where have I not thought about you

You didn't leave any place

Where I could be free from

Your thoughts

And our memories

- S // 2 years worth of love

[ameeerah]

My lips are white and my throat is dry

My eyes are bloodshot and my cheeks are sunken in

I am wearing gloves so you can't see my shaking hands

I wouldn't be surprised if you'd call me a walking corpse

But that's the problem with people

They only notice when you show

They only observe when you tell

And, they only realize when it's over

- S // Corpse

[ameeerah]

I Am Not That Girl

I am not that girl who gets all the sighs

I am not that girl who gets envied by all the other girls

I am not that girl who knows where her life is going

I am not that girl who weighs 89 pounds

I am not that girl who has got her shit together

I am not that girl who is so smart, she's getting in to Harvard

I am not that girl who lights up the room whenever she walks in

I am not that girl who writes the most amazing poems

I am not that girl who wears her heart on her sleeve

I am not that girl who loves coffee and romantic comedies

I am not that girl who leaves bits of her wisdom wherever she goes

I am not that girl who can paint the world with her hand

I am not that girl who is the life of the party

I am not that girl who is kind and loves and loves and loves

I am not that girl, and I am fading into the dark abyss

I am not that girl. But, oh, I do wish I was.

- S // That girl

[ameeerah]

I am a ball of stress filled with nervous energy and a hollow, bittersweet sadness. I move around pretending nothing’s wrong and that nothing can faze me. But, one of these days when the load becomes too heavy to carry, I’ll crumble. And, when I crumble, all hell will break loose. I will shake and writhe, there’ll tears and disappointments, but most of all, there’ll be a broken me.

- S // I’m not a rock

[ameeerah]

I looked high and low to find sense in my life perhaps that people might like me. I tried new things and I made new friends. I lost weight when I didn’t even need to. I made myself speak more, then I made myself shut up. I pretended to like the things that everyone else did. I tried so hard and so much, but in the end, that only crushed my soul. If only there was a way to reverse this overwhelming self - destruction disguised as transformation. If only I loved myself enough to not feel the need to change to be liked by others. If only I could smile with my eyes and laugh from within.

- S // Refine yourself, but for you