am gurd i prumiss

29, F I S H M A N, AZ. Untrusting of left-handed women. Women hate-follow me. Helen Keller Denier. NOT BALD!!! PROFESSIONAL white knight. Californians and New Yorkers DNI. I will use my eventual degree in physics to prove that the Earth is flat. Basically an NHL scout. I am the next Fergie. Oppressor of the Shorts (men under 6'1" and women under 5'6" DNI). Anti-cheesecake. ALL SIX FOOT THREE INCHES OF SOLIDIFIED SEXY. Currently on the hunt for the Scroll of Napoleon to turn anyone into a white manlet for the rest of their days. I will wed Carrie Underwood and anyone who reads this is an accomplice.

[amgurd]

EVERY day on God’s green flat Earth I am haunted by the St. Louis bagel

[xquisitedeadguy]

the other day I saw a woman distracted driving using the calculator app

[sashthesloth]

The court jester has arrived

[chloematis]

Tell us a joke little guy!

[loulooser]

Can’t wait to not sleep at all on September 11th

[spinostarz]

i know ur from the uk(?) but reading this as an american is really really funny

[loulooser]

why 😭 it’s about twenty one pilots???? Their new album is out sep 12th????

[jarsjam]

THERE'S TWENTY ONE THIS TIME???

[wingdingle]

attention to all dashcon attendees

someone urinated into the ballpit while it was empty and posted it in the tag

stay out of the ballpit

[wingdingle]

there are people who think this is a joke

this is not a joke

please stay out of the ballpit for the safety of your health

[defunctblog1]

Ancient scribes detailing horrible events

[thetyrannosaur]

[sentient-tent]

This is Tie, she is going to eat all of the notes

[sentient-tent]

reblog to feed her notes

[elodieunderglass]

How is she doing this

[only-cat-memes]

[lillie-garden]

Never ever ever eat raw white onion and then smoke cigarette.

[helpeverythingiscats]

The gnomes beat the shit out of you again?

[lillie-garden]

The gnomes beat the shit out of me again.

[junk-thunder]

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted a quarter million in unmarked nonconsecutive bills in the next half hour or another hostage gets it

[sandmandaddy69]

[cryptvokeeper]

[thelovingend-deactivated2025073]

No one tells you that one day you will get older and look around and notice that 95% of ppl who own a dog should not own a dog

[nyquilnap]

this is all thats left of her

[ot3]

"app" is without a doubt one of the deepest evils of the human race. "hello. would you like to be expected to have a bespoke piece of software for every single Brand you might theoretically interact with in a day" <- statement dreamed up by someone who should be drawn and quartered

[whatthefoucault]

"It's better in the app!"

That's embarrassing. Make your website better

[mintaikkcorpse]

Love baby. Use baby as pillow

[bigenderweed]

everyone make sure to set out cheese & crackers for neil tonight <3

[dogpuppy]

[freakoutgirl]

does anyone know if romantic love is real

[fortheloveofgrantaire]

no it was actually invented by ao3 to sell more fanfiction!