uhm.. tw: Kaeyas spiraling thoughts …???
Ceiling. the same ceiling that taunts him.. one that he’s looked at every morning since the fight with his brother. a ceiling that reminds him that he’ll never be a good person; a vision that reminds him that he’s forever going to carry the burden of his country dying.. and him being one of the few survivors left from it.
His hands come into view, hands that have very light scars from the countless wounds that have landed on them since the fall of his country. scars that were caused by his brother... the brother that he isn’t sure if he still blames himself for the passing of their father.
Hands that are somehow soft and rough at the same time. hands that have been covered in not only his blood… but also that of his family, his friends, his pets, and everyone he’s ever loved and cared for. Including Dilucs.
He forced himself to roll over, ignoring the ceiling, which was tainted with the memories and daydreams he'd had from staring at it.
The window that he looked out of every morning, the window that he sought comfort in because he knew deep down there was no one left for him. He couldn’t understand how he kept pushing, wanting to live as if he didn’t so desperately want to die.
A life that should have been lost but was saved. to do what? suffer? What was the real reason that Kaeya Alberich was still alive? He asked himself every day, What was the reason to keep going? Every morning he prays the sun won’t come out.. but unfortunately, just like yesterday, it does.
He lets out a quiet sigh before pushing himself up and throwing his legs over the bed. the scars on his body that he looks at every day—the physical and emotional ones that he’ll never be able to get rid of.
He pushes off the bed. His messy blue hair, which is seemingly perfect, has knots.. knots that no one knows he has to comb out every morning. knots that will forever haunt him. knots that will forever follow him wherever he walks. knots that will leave and come back when they please.
He doesn’t dare look at himself in the mirror.. Well, what’s left of it. They say breaking a mirror will give you seven years of bad luck but for him? He IS bad luck. He seemed to have been at the center of every horrible occurrence.
He couldn’t even cry.. the one thing he did every night after his country fell. not even when he was forbidden from saying goodbye to the man who had taken him in and given him a home. fed him, loved him, and allowed him to have a sliver of hope. He couldn’t sob for the man who saved him.
Truly, the last time Kaeya cried.. was when he received his vision.
He barely remembers any of it, but he does remember the sight of fire being sent straight to his face, and just like that, it’s gone. The feeling of the cold and the tears in his eyes seemed to freeze. Diluc's shocked yet angered expression confirms that it didn’t go the way he had intended…
For the first time, he was scared of his brother.
Could he even call him that? He was disowned after being the reason Crepus Ragnvindr had passed away.. He flinched as the pain in his eye seemed to come back.. He always struggled with it. but now it was even worse than before. causing him to drop his sword and clutched his face, stumbling back as his tears seemed to come back.
And just like that, he pulls his hand away from his eye, still refusing to look into the mirror. trying not to be reminded of his existence as he tries to ignore the memory that has just occurred moments ago.
Promptly leaving his bathroom before walking back into his room. reluctantly putting his clothes on.. He hated his morning routine. It always consisted of being reminded of one or another memory that he tried to bury.
He took a few breaths before stepping out.. realizing today would be the same as yesterday.. tomorrow, and the day after that. knowing that he can’t break the cycle of his day-to-day life. a life he still wishes could have perished with the rest of them in Khaenri'ah..
