I used to have this dream. I would open my eyes in a train station, and I’d be alone. It was just me. And I would be looking for L, but I couldn’t find her. And there was this feeling of dread in my stomach because I knew I wouldn’t find her. I knew she was gone. And I’d scream, I’d scream and scream in this dream, hoping somebody would answer, somebody would come and make it all good again.
And then he would show up. And he’d offer to help, opening all the wrong doors and leading me the wrong ways. Whatever I did, I would always end up on the same platform again. And he would say “Just forget” and he’d try to hold me “I’m here”.
That when everything would start to go blurry. It would be like fog, settling over my mind, making it fuzzy and mad. And then I would hear her scream and there was this feeling of true despair, of fear like I never felt in my life. She’d be lying on the rails and she wouldn’t move, she’d just scream for help, over and over again, and I’d be there frozen, his hand on my arm.
Then, next thing I know, I’d be on the rails and she’d be above me, on the platform and the wind would rush through my hair and there would be this deafening noise from the train rushing towards me. The cold rails beneath me and her, trying desperately to do something, anything to help.
She was good, I used to say when told people about her. That’s a lie. She was the best. And I love my girlfriend, and I love my friends, and I love my family but nobody I ever met was as good as her. She was pure, in the most biblical way. She was everything. So as I woke up, often silent, sometimes crying and seldom screaming, the only thought in my head would be. “Thank God, it’s not her.”
“Wanting him, thinking about biting him, kissing him, it all just gets worse, the more Snow stares holes into his back. Sometimes Baz turns around, stares back. It’s hard though, holding his gaze. Not looking at his lips. He couldn’t though. He never can, not when Snow could see.”
Words: 382, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Fandoms: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: M/M
Characters: Tyrannus Basilton “Baz” Pitch, Simon Snow
“Steve wasn’t a homophobe, Tony knew that. Steve didn’t hate gay people, or bisexual people or trans people or anyone, really. He just didn’t like talking about them. Or hearing about them. Or knowing they existed.”
“Howard’s death is what destroys Tony, every year and Steve can’t help but hate them both for it, just a tiny bit. Howard for being such a bad father and Tony for not ever letting go. Because that’s the thing with Tony, he never ever lets go and he doesn’t forgive.”
“He turned around the corner, ready to greet whoever was sat there with a blinding press smile and a cheesy pickup line when his breath literally got stuck in his throat.
Steve didn’t look surprised at all, which, Tony’s mind helpfully supplied, probably meant he was here on his own free will and not forced to do this under false pretences. Why the fuck was Steve here? What the hell had Pepper told him to convince him of this?”
Thrust Issues (132827 words) by Sineala
Chapters: 10/10
Fandom: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Avengers (Comics)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Characters: Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Stephen Strange, Pepper Potts, Morgan Stark, Clint Barton, Wanda Maximoff, Thor (Marvel)
Additional Tags: Angst, Fluff, Insomnia, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Virgin Steve Rogers, Inappropriate Erections, Size Kink, Praise Kink, Hand Jobs, Anal Fingering, Oral Sex, Sex Toys, Cuddling & Snuggling, Intercrural Sex, Armor Kink, Anal Fisting, Subspace, Aftercare, Subdrop, Bathing/Washing, Anal Sex, Happy Ending, Avengers Vol. 3 (1998), Community: cap_ironman, Cap_Ironman Reverse Bang Challenge 2018
Summary: A battle gone wrong leads Tony to the unexpected and pleasant discovery that Steve is much more well-endowed than he could ever have imagined. But when Tony learns that Steve has never actually been able to sleep with anyone because of his size, Tony does what any good friend would do: he offers to relieve Steve of his virginity. Personally. Tony’s determined, Tony’s methodical, and Tony has a plan. He’s going to get Steve laid. Tony just needs to make sure Steve never finds out that Tony’s in love with him.
This is my contribution to the 2018 Cap-IM Reverse Bang, produced to accompany some very inspiring art (NSFW) by @phoenixmetaphor. This is 130,000 words of friends-with-benefits pining. And porn. A lot of porn.
Thanks also to @kiyaar for beta and to @flange5 for suggesting the title!
Hey! I was curious what your fav fics of 2017 were? Thanks for everything you do!
Whoo-boy…that’s tough. We had so many great fics last year! Here are my personal top 10 (off the top of my head and in no particular order). I encourage you to read anything and everything by these incredibly talented authors.
COMMENTS AND KUDOS MAKE THE YEAR GO BY QUICKLY!
Lost With You (Might Be All I Need) by @stark-spangled-lovers:Tony and Steve fall through a portal just after defeating Thanos and his army. Stranded in another dimension, the two have to finally face what happened—and what could have been.
Kinktober 2017 (series) by @blossomsinthemist: all the kinktober fics (I can’t choose, they are all outstanding)
voglio sentirti by lackluster_lexicon: Steve returns to Stark Tower ten months after leaving Tony in Siberia.
The Lost Art of Correspondence by @winterstar95: The shit storm Tony found himself in – well-he had no one to blame but himself. Hacking into MIT’s grading system as an undergrad to avoid the useless course work in English got him into this mess. As a graduate student he should not have to worry about taking an English class to fulfill an undergrad requirement. But that was exactly what happened. English 13B: The Lost Art of Correspondence. It was literally a pen pal class where he was assigned to a Service member and had to write lonely hearts letters to some lunk head deployed to who knew where. He could get through it. All he had to do was convince the lunk head to go along with his plan. Fill out a spreadsheet, write the paper, no letters needed. But Lunk head refused. Lunk head wanted the lonely hearts letters. It didn’t matter that Lunk head might be the Greek god Adonis come to life, Tony didn’t have the time. Trying to navigate grad school, his parents, Tony did not need a Greek god Lunk head in his life, nor did he want to write lonely hearts letters to anyone – least of all some earnest do good soldier.By the end, though, Tony did just that. Write lonely hearts letters to his Adonis lunk head – soon to be Captain - Steve Rogers.
Matchmaking in the Savage Land by @laireshi: Steve got hurt when he was protecting Iron Man.Tony Stark is really upset about it.
Up All Night by @imafriendlydalek: There’s a group of idiots at his bar, and Steve is trying real hard to stay friendly. Until he can’t anymore.Tony never could resist a hot bartender, especially not one so beautifully opinionated.
Stars Fading, but I Linger On, Dear by @chibisquirt: A Soulmate AU where people meet their soulmate in their dreams. Of course, not even that solves all the world’s problems, especially if one or more of the soulmates has a secret identity…
Ad Infinitum by @the-vorkosigan: After incidentally inhaling timefog (or an MCU equivalent thereof), Tony and Steve, stuck on different sides of the world, start sharing dreams. Only, these aren’t your regular dreams; these seem to be echoes of all the shit that tends to happen to other Tonys and Steves all across the multiverse. But a side effect is, they slowly become aware of each other’s feelings in this universe too. Only, who would believe such a thing is even possible? Tony, for one, thinks it’s bullshit; going crazy seems like a way more plausible explanation.
The Weight of Armor by @the-vorkosigan: Steve is mysteriously kidnapped. His Avengers are worried. Or: a post-Arthurian AU, with knights and kings and swords, evil sorcerers, half-giants out of Wales, and two certain idiots who don’t realize they are in love.
Sacrifice Play by Amonet: “I like you a lot actually,” Tony says because he can’t lie when Steve looks at him like that. “Maybe a bit too much.”Tony hadn’t expected to have to explain to Steve why he tries to save the Captains life every time he gets himself in danger because it isn’t like Steve cared about him, right? Turns out, Steve wants to solve this problem right now and he doesn’t let Tony make excuses. Misunderstandings ensue, get resolved and maybe they’ve both been wrong all along?
How We Met by @festiveferret: Life was pretty simple for Tony - work on his graduate thesis, hang out with his robotics projects in his unusual apartment, and fuck people for money. At least, it was simple until he met Steve Rogers.
Held (series) by @festiveferret, @ashes0909: After the ice one thing remained the same: Captain America gave the orders. In the middle of battle his world narrowed to a calm and controllable moment. When they fought the super-villain of the week, he knew what to do. He knew how to get his men in and out, how to minimize the damage. On the battlefield he gave the orders. People always assumed that would transfer to the bedroom, as well.
You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) by @kiyaar: “Why don’t you take that off,” Tony whispers back, and he tugs at the guy’s mask. He tries an arm around his waist, firm, solid, hot. Tony is hard and it’s obvious. He thinks he’d be more of a gentleman about it under normal circumstances, but in this place, it’s like a handshake.He shudders and his back muscles move beneath Tony’s hand. Tony’s pants grow tighter. He smells like Barbasol. A well-respected man. Tony wants to disrespect him.(an AU where Steve never gave up the Nomad mantle, Tony has a coke habit, and they meet on the dance floor at Studio 54.)
Don’t Let Me Down (Got a Lot Going On Right Now) by @sheronm : A failed chemistry experiment in the lab means Tony has to take off his gauntlet. In front of Steve. Who has never seen him without it before.
Mark XXX by @robintcj: Oh, look, another filthy, filthy threesome porn. This time, it’s Steve/Tony/Iron Man Armour. No plot, mostly porn with a little bit of cracky humour. It’s dirty, and I’m sorry.No I’m not. I’m not sorry. You know what, you’re all down here in the muck with me.
Head Over Feet by @robintcj: It had sounded like a good idea at the time. Tony Stark, genius and heir to the Stark fortune, didn’t expect to fall in love with the kind, handsome soldier he’d picked up at a bar that he had only gotten into because of a particularly well-crafted fake ID. He didn’t expect to spend the best week of his life with a funny, wonderful artist who would be shipping off to war in only days.And he definitely didn’t expect that soldier to die before they could even try to build something.He tries to move on with his life and find a way to feel whole, but after one too many disappointments, Tony gives up on the idea of happiness altogether.Of course, then he finds himself on a street in New York, covered in coffee and having the shock of his life.
A Budapest Christmas by @shetlandowl: A Housesitter AU where Tony moves into Steve’s place, charms his parents, befriends his life-long friends, and repairs the relationships Steve ruined in the aftermath of his own heartbreak. Their relationship is a happy, loving, and supportive one; or, at least it was so until Steve showed up unannounced and was congratulated on a marriage he’d never heard of.
Past Imperfect by @captainneverever: Present day Tony tells Steve that Steve wouldn’t like the college version of Tony. An alternative Steve, living in a dystopian future, is sent back to the past to stop the death of a young Tony Stark at MIT. He doesn’t know what he’s going to find but he’s going to try his best to save Tony.
The Counselors Are In by @cptxrogers: Steve and Tony from Avengers Assemble open a counseling service for all the other Steves and Tonys from across the multiverse. God knows they need it.
To the Victor by @thegraytigress: Nightmares are real. Tony is living one. It’s awful, unending, torturous. It’s driving him mad. It’s killing him. He just wants to wake up and go back to his life with Steve, a life filled with love and happiness. Yet every day the hell of reality presses down, because Steve went on a mission. Steve made the ultimate sacrifice. Steve is never coming home. And Tony can’t let himself believe it.
In Your Warmth I Forget How Cold It Can Be by @izazov: Tony’s relationship with Steve Rogers was complicated at best, volatile at worst. It didn’t change the fact that they kept ending up sharing a bed. And not in the fun way.
Worth His Weight by chubbychoco: King Stark has been offered a rare and valuable gift - a virgin slave, trained but untouched, for him to use in any way he sees fit. But despite the awful rumors surrounding his reign, he may not be as horrible as Steve has heard.
What Lies Behind by @kdm103020, @xinsomniac1101x: Four months after the Battle of New York, Steve Rogers still hasn’t managed to find his footing. The new century is strange and upsetting, and he appears to have no purpose in it. But when SHIELD sends him to liaise with the director of Stark Industries, his life starts to change in ways he could never imagine. Or, the MCU-rooted AU, in which Steve and Tony both still maintain their secret identities.
Multitude of One by @nostalgicatsea: “So was I,” his soulmate would tell him one day, and what it would mean was that they loved him.
Down to Zero by @sineala: After a battle against the Controller goes awry, Steve is bewildered and guilt-ridden when Tony begins to treat him exactly the same as he treats everyone else.
I Think You’ll Understand by @sineala: Steve’s first night in Avengers Mansion is a lonely one, until Iron Man stops by to welcome him to his new home.
Never Too Late for Love by @sineala: Steve has always believed that a soulbond is a blessing – a rare and beautiful miracle, joining the thoughts and feelings of two people forever, from the first time they touch. Steve knows he’s not going to be one of the lucky ones. He knows Gail isn’t his soulmate. But he loves her, even if they’re not soulmates, and he’s going to do right by her. After the war’s over, he’s going to marry her, and they’re going to settle down. They’ll buy a house. They’ll have children. He’ll see his family again. Maybe Bucky will live next door. It’s going to be a good life. He doesn’t need a soulbond. He’ll be fine without one.Then Steve wakes up sixty years in the future to find that his wonderful life has moved on without him. His family is long dead. His fiancée married his best friend. And the only purpose he has left is leading the Ultimates, a misbegotten team of superheroes with flaws too numerous to count. Steve hates everything about the future – but most of all he detests Tony, flashy and flirtatious, who embodies everything Steve hates about a world he never wanted to live in.And, oh, yeah, Steve has a soulmate after all: Tony fucking Stark.
The Lengths that I Will Go To by @polizwrites: After forty-five years, Howard Stark discovers the wreck of the Valkyrie and that Captain America somehow survived the crash and nearly a half-century of being frozen in the ice. Tony Stark, having been brought back to the fold after several years of freedom, finds himself face to face with his childhood idol (and teenage crush) when he is recruited to help care for the recovering Captain Rogers, whose existence is being kept a secret.
My fic is on that list. Omg. Well, it might be a mistake or just a typo or something but still. It’s on the freaking list. How did I not notice? Omg. I can’t believe it. I don’t even like the fic. How does sabrecmc like it? What? I’m so confused! And I didn’t even notice for like 3 months!! What is my life, seriously? I will never recover, please send flowers for my funeral.
(This explains why I suddenly started getting kudos...)
Summary: “I’m 17, Viktor! I’m not meant to be responsible!” Yuri’s voice is loud, too loud and he can see Viktor looking around them, but the streets of St. Petersburg are mostly empty at this time of night. Viktor is so concerned that anyone will hear, and it’s ridiculous, it’s not like anybody cares and out of spite Yuri continues even louder. “And you kissed me!”
Yuri is desperatly in love and Viktor… Viktor is not. Written for Yuri Plisetsky Week 2018; Day 2 - Rarepair or Gen (@yuriplisetskyweek)
Warnings: 17-year old Yuri has a crush on Viktor, if that freaks you out, don’t read it. Otherwise you should be safe.
Read it here on Ao3 or under the cut
holding on.
“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”
Mark Twain
“You didn’t come back last night,” Yuri says, as soon as Viktor is close enough to hear. “You promised me you would, asshole. What is it with you that you never remember your stupid promises!?”
“Yuri, it’s not that easy.” Viktor keeps his distance, not getting to close. Yuri hates it, the calm professionalism. It’s not like anybody is buying it anyway, they all remember what he was like before Katsudon showed up. “We were both very irresponsible last night and it was a bad idea. We should just forget it ever happened.”
“I’m 17, Viktor! I’m not meant to be responsible!” Yuri’s voice is loud, too loud and he can see Viktor looking around them, but the streets of St. Petersburg are mostly empty at this time of night. Viktor is so concerned that anyone will hear, and it’s ridiculous, it’s not like anybody cares and out of spite Yuri continues even louder. “And you kissed me!”
“I know I did. I shouldn’t have,” Viktor says, calm and just a bit condescending. It pisses Yuri off. Just because he’s a coach now he suddenly thinks he’s any more of an adult than he was before. Yuri wants to kick him so badly.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
"It means that I was drunk and lonely and you were very pretty. But I’m twice your age and I didn’t mean it, not really.“ It’s an excuse if Yuri ever heard one and he’s so not buying it. It’s not the truth, not the whole truth at least, and Yuri is so sick of everyone lying to him.
"Fuck you,” Yuri shouts and kicks the street light they’re under, even though it hurts his foot. It’s almost as satisfying as kicking Viktor. “Fuck you!”
“Yuri,” Viktor says softly. “I’ll still coach you. Nothing has to change.”
“That’s not what this is about, asshole. Don’t you get it?” Yuri laughs a joyless laugh. “Don’t you get it!?” He can’t keep himself from shouting again and this time Viktor recoils.
“Yurio!” His voice is full of accusation and he looks surprised of all things and of course he doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t even try!
“Don’t call me that,” Yuri chokes out. “It’s not my name and I’m not some- some second choice. I’m beautiful, you’ve said it yourself. And I’m talented and I’m smart, for fuck’s sake, so what does he have, that I don’t? Huh?” Yuri can feel tears in his eyes, but he doesn’t let them fall. “Why am I never anyone’s first choice?”
“You’re 17, Yuri,” Viktor’s voice is painfully soft. “Can’t you see that I’m way too old for you?” He chuckles quietly.
It’s a joke to him, Yuri realises. It’s all just a joke. “I adored you! I worshipped you! And this is what I get?”
“What do you want then? Huh, Yura? What is it that you want?” Viktor’s voice is low and dangerous as he steps closer and Yuri can feel himself lean in, against his will. His body acts on its own and Viktor is so close now, his breath on Yuri’s ear and his smell in Yuri’s nose. It’s intoxicating.
“I-,” Yuri starts, but his head feels empty suddenly.
“Do you want me to kiss you again? To hold you, like you are the most precious thing in the world? To buy you flowers? Or do you want me to fuck you against the wall? Hard and fast? Make you bounce off my cock? You weigh nothing, I could just hold you up with one hand and with the other…” Victors hand suddenly squeezes Yuri’s butt.
“Yes,” Yuri whispers and he honestly can’t say what exactly he’s asking for. Either. Both. “Please.” He’ll beg if that’s what it takes.
Viktor takes a sudden step back, and Yuri almost falls forward. “I’m married, Yuri.” There is a lot of accusation in his voice for someone who, just a second ago, had talked like he had jumped straight out of a porn film.
“It didn’t matter last night,” Yuri cries out. “You’d have fucked me last night if you didn’t have to-” He stops because had to throw up in a trash can doesn’t sound very sexy. “If you could have! You’d have done it!”
“I was drunk, Yuri. Very, very drunk. Too much vodka will do that to a man, kotyenok. It’s nothing personal.” It still feels fucking personal.
“Why do you always choose him,” Yuri asks, trying to stay calm. “Why is it always him?”
“He’s my husband, Yuri.” His ring sparkles in the low light of the street lights. There is no apology in his voice. “I love him.” Yuri gets it, he does, but it’s not the answer he is looking for.
“And what about me?” Yuri knows he sounds lost and desperate and so fucking needy, that he’s embarrassed, just by hearing his voice, but he can’t help it. “Am I nothing?”
“Of course, I love you, Yurochka. That’s not the problem.” Victor laughs. “You’re cute when you’re crying,” he says, after a moment of quiet. “I never noticed that.”
“I’m not crying!” His voice breaks in the middle of the lie and Viktor has the guts to just keep smiling. “I’m not crying, you asshole!” The tears are flowing more freely now, down his cheeks and staining his jumper. “Just tell me what you want! I can be anything you want. Just- please!” He’s begging now and he can’t help but feel shame rushing through him. All of this, the crying, the shouting, the begging, it feels so wrong and it’s making Yuri lightheaded. “I just want to be good enough for you,” Yuri whispers. “Why am I never good enough?”
“Oh, Yuri,” Viktor says and then he pulls Yuri into a tight hug. “It’s not about being good enough. We two just don’t belong together, that’s all. You know that.
"But I want it,” Yuri whispers, pressed against Viktor’s chest. “It’s all I want.” Kissing, killing or destroying Viktor, at some point it had all become the same thing.
“You will find someone else,” Viktor says carelessly, his tone of voice a strong contrast to his words. “And you will love him much more than you love me and he will make you so very happy. Just imagine it: Going out for dinner and dancing, you could wear those nice lace panties and he’ll get all red and blushy when you tell him about them. He won’t be able to take his eyes off you.” Viktor chuckles and Yuri can’t help but giggle, tears still flowing down his cheeks. “You deserve better than waiting for something that’s never going to happen, Yuri,” Viktor says, his voice serious. “Don’t waste your time.”
Yuri nods, not trusting his voice. His face is still hidden in Victors thick woollen trench coat and he’s thankful for it. He can just imagine what he looks like right now - puffy eyes, red cheeks and mascara all over his face. Stupid girly make-up that’s never as waterproof as it claims to be. He takes a step back and wipes his eyes with the sleeves of his jumper before Viktor can catch a look.
“I don’t look like I cried,” Yuri says and it comes out far more aggressive than intended.
Viktor smiles and nods, but a second later he is using his thumb to wipe some smudged mascara from Yuri’s cheek. For a moment their eyes lock and Yuri stands on the tip of his toes and leans in, just a bit, in a sudden rush of courage and Viktor is looking at his lips, Yuri can see it, just for a second, but then he turns his head, swearing softly. “I can’t, Yurochka. You know that.” His voice is firm, but Yuri can see his resolve waver.
“Just this once?” He can’t keep the hope out of his voice. “Please?”
“Oh Yuri,” Viktor says. “Ask me again in a few years, okay?”
Yuri stays silent, irrational disappointment and embarrassment rushing through him. Then, out of nowhere, Viktor’s soft lips are on his forehead, pressing a chaste kiss on it.
It’s not much, but it’s enough to give Yuri hope – it’s just enough to hold on to.
Sometimes, nothing matters to Tony. Sometimes, everything stops for a moment and he can't feel, can't move and sometimes - sometimes it feels like he can't breathe for all the pain and nothing else. Everything hurts so much. And he can't.
He's had depression for as long as he can think and he can't say if this is worse or not. Not feeling anything is a bit like drowning, it takes you slowly and then all at once and there is no pain in dying slowly. Giving up is easy.
This- this is like being burned alive. Everything hurts. He constantly feels like falling apart, like there is nothing that's worth even trying for. He wants to throw up so badly and he knows he can't. Talk about unhealthy coping mechanisms. He hasn't eaten. He hasn't had a drink either, so that's half a victory, but he feels like he can't sit still, like he has to move right now, but his body won't carry him. It can't. Nothing is left, of him. He doesn't want to live anymore and he can't either. At some point giving up seems like the better option.
I just want to point out a couple of things. First, the age of consent in Russia is 16; specifically it means that legal adults (18yo and older) can legally have sex with people who are at least 16. This includes homosexual relationships. Second, Kazakhstani people speak Russian fluently, most of them are at least bilingual. Like, for ~45% of the population Russian is actually their mother tongue. Otabek might have a slight accent, but he would be quite proficient.
Thank you so much for telling me! I did actually know both of those things, but I decided to just not care. With this fic I wasn’t really focused on being acurrate to any form of reality, I mostly just wanted to write drunk Yuri. (I’m sorry, I’m usually better at this, but Yuri!!! on Ice isn’t really my fandom anymore.) I might do a rewrite though, and fix all of this (and some other stuff) but for now it’s more of a thing I kind of just wrote for the sake of writing it.
It’s adorable that you cared so much about this stupid fic I wrote, so thank you so much, for pointing these things out! You literally cared more than I did and I might actually rewrite the whole thing to show you that I can do my research!
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Fandom: Yuri!! On Ice
Pairing: Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky
Summary: “Fuck.” Otabek whispers. He pulls his hands from Yuri’s face like he burned himself. There are traces of Yuri’s pink lip gloss on his lips and Yuri wants to kiss him again, he wants it so badly. Otabek, on the other hand, looks terrified and like he’s about 5 seconds away from losing his shit completely.
Yuri is drunk and his only goal for this night is to forget that Otabek even exists. As always, it doesn't exactly go according to plan.
For Valentine’s Day. Married Doctors AU based on this post. 1.7K.
“You sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Castiel asks blearily from his side of the bed.
Dean is halfway through putting on his socks and pauses to laugh and grin over his shoulder. “You can hardly keep your eyes open,” he teases gently, gaze soft and fond. “Babe, I promise it’s fine. You need your extra hour. Plus, you can be my chauffeur starting tomorrow.”
The noise Cas makes is low and grumpy, but even he has to admit that he’s still catching up on rest. He’s just finished his monthly trauma call, and that always leaves him with inevitable, bone-deep exhaustion. “Fine,” he relents reluctantly, stretching out his arm and fishing around until Dean sighs and finds Cas’ hand. “Good luck today,” Castiel says, in that rumbling voice that still leaves Dean breathless. “You’re brilliant and they’re gonna love you.”
Dean has to bend down and kiss him then.
Dean met Cas during residency, at some cheesy welcome party thrown by the hospital. All residents were invited, across all departments, under the ridiculous pretense that they had social lives.
It was held around noon in a large conference room, with platter after platter of catered sandwiches and two-liter bottles of soda instead of booze. Dean had to admit it was pretty lame, and said as much to Jo, a fellow resident. She seemed to agree till she spotted her crush from Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery and flitted away. Dean watched her go and rolled his eyes, sulking mightily into his drink. He was definitely exuding some anti-social vibes, and didn’t expect anybody to approach him.
But then there he was, this guy with dark, messy hair, wearing light blue scrubs that brought out his eyes and a crooked smile that blanked out Dean’s mind. “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m Cas,” he said, offering his hand. “General Surgery.”
“Oh, I’m… Dean,” Dean answered, blushing. “Neurosurgery.” And that was that.
"Just imagine for a second, that you're not perfect. You're just a regular guy, okay? And now just imagine you're living with someone who is perfect. The pinnacle of human evolution." Tony laughs nervously. "And that person, he expects everyone to be just as perfect as himself. Not consciously, but-" Tony stops. "Okay, you don't get it, do you?"
Tony has Issues-with-an-capital-I and Steve is hopelessly pining, but hey at least they're both equally bad at communication.
Relationship: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Rating: General Audiences
Read it over at Ao3 or under the cut.
"We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
-Dr. Seuss
Steve knows that, sometimes, he is wrong. It doesn't happen often, but it happens. And when it happens, Steve tries to fix it. That's why, when Tony sits down at the breakfast table one morning, Steve says: "You know I didn't mean what I said on the helicarrier, right?"
Tony stares at him, seemingly completely perplexed and only half awake. He hasn't had his coffee yet, obviously. "What?"
"On the helicarrier, when I said the stuff about you and the suit, back when we met," Steve says. "I didn't mean any of it. You're a good man and it wasn't right for me to say anything at all because I didn't know you back then. I know that you know that, I just wanted to have said it."
"Okay," Tony says very slowly and looks at Steve like Steve's a bit mad. Maybe Steve is.
When Steve hands him hands him the plate with the pancakes he takes it though and actually eats some, so Steve counts the mission a success, even though neither of them talks for the remainder of their shared breakfast.
Everything is okay afterwards, for a while. Nothing big happens, there are no attacks, no mandatory team meetings and Steve spends a lot of time at SHIELD or on missions, which is probably the reason it takes him so long to notice that Tony is avoiding him.
He is never in a room that Steve is in, not because he leaves, but because they just don't ever seem to even be on the same floor at the same time and when Steve tries to go and find Tony, he has suddenly mysteriously disappeared from wherever he was supposed to be because of urgent Stark Industries business. It's not that doesn't do his job as a team member anymore, he still shows up to the training exercises, but he's Iron Man there and it's not really the same. He still makes them weapons as well, even Steve, but somehow the fittings and testing that had been so important before weren't needed anymore. Not for Steve, at least because he knows that Tony still sees plenty of the other Avengers. It's not fair. Steve misses him.
Steve considers letting it go and just waiting for it to stop, but he had a conversation with Hill the other day about making Iron Man his co-leader and she had asked him whether Tony would like that and Steve realised that he actually has no clue. Letting it go is not an option if it's disrupting the team dynamics. And since getting a hold of Tony has turned out to be impossible, Steve resorted to calling him in for an official Avengers meeting. It's not really fair, but he really needs to talk to Tony. It’s not just because he misses him. It’s not.
"Hey," Tony says as he opens the door to the meeting room. "I'm sorry I'm late guys, but Stark Industries doesn't…" He trails off and for a moment he just stares at Steve, his expression uncertain. Steve does his best to smile encouragingly. He can basically see Tony's face fall, but he only takes one second to collect himself.
"So, it's just me I guess. Great." He doesn't sound like he thinks it is the least bit great. "Let's make this quick, I have a lot to do and this should all be fairly obvious. We both know that SHIELD can't have the suit. It's mine and I'm not handing it over to anyone. If you kick me off the team, Iron Man is off too."
"Tony," Steve interrupts, but Tony goes on like Steve hasn't said anything.
"-I mean the tower technically belongs to the Avengers, so as long as you don't change the name, that's yours in the divorce. See, you get the house and the kids, I don't think that's a bad deal-"
"Tony," Steve says, this time louder.
"- like realistically speaking. You also get to keep all the gear and the jet, you just have to be careful not to break it, because I'm a very busy person and sadly I'll have more important things to do than clean up your-"
"Tony!" Steve shouts and that finally gets Tony's attention. "No one's kicking you off the team. That's not what this is about." Like I would let them kick you off the team, Steve thinks.
"Oh," Tony says. "Good. But then why…"
"You've been avoiding me. I wanted to talk to you." Steve says and it sounds a bit silly now that he says it out loud. Tony and he don't always get to spend a lot of time together. It's normal for them not see each other for a few days when they both have too much to do. Maybe Tony had just been very busy these past few weeks. No reason to call him in and upset him like this, just because Steve misses him.
Tony doesn't answer immediately and for a few seconds, the only sound is the whirring of a printer in the distance and Steve takes a moment to just wholeheartedly hate SHIELD and their paper-thin walls.
"I just can't sometimes, Steve. Okay?" Tony finally says, looking miserable. One look at him and Steve knows that Tony doesn't want him to ask questions but he doesn't understand what Tony is saying. God, he never does.
"I think you need to explain that to me."
"Okay," Tony says slowly and then he looks directly into Steve's eyes for the first time since he entered the room. "Just imagine for a second, that you're not perfect. You're just a regular guy, okay? And now just imagine you're living with someone who is perfect. The pinnacle of human evolution." Tony laughs nervously. "And that person, he expects everyone to be just as perfect as himself. Not consciously, but-" Tony stops. "Okay, you don't get it, do you?"
Steve really doesn’t.
"Just- Imagine someone is better than you at everything you do together. At everything. Always." Tony looks at him expectantly and Steve nods, more a reflex than an actual acknowledgement of Tony's words. "Okay. And- he always expects you to be just as good as himself. And you never are. Just imagine what that feels like."
"I don't understand," Steve says and he knows his face is one big question mark. "You're saying that - I'm too perfect for you?"
He can see Tony's face fall and this time he doesn't even bother hiding it.
"I'm not making fun of you! I'm just trying- I'm trying to understand, okay?" Steve hurries to explain. He wouldn't make fun of Tony's feelings. He couldn't. Tony is his friend. He likes Tony. A lot.
"I just feel like all I ever do is fail, Steve. And it's a lot to handle sometimes." Tony admits and Steve can see that it costs him great strength to say it. "It's not your fault. I'm working on it, okay?"
It's not often that Steve has absolutely no idea what he should say but if anyone manages to render him, it's of course Tony. It’s always Tony. "You're the smartest person I know." He says because it's the only thing he can think of that at least makes some sense.
Tony blushes, not just a bit, but his face actually goes pink. Steve has never seen Tony blush before. It looks good on him. "What?"
"You don't need to change," Steve says. "We all like you just the way you are, no one expects you to be perfect. You're not failing at anything."
"I-" Tony begins, but then stays silent.
"If it's me who's putting too much pressure on you, then you need to talk to me about that, Tony and I'll try to change. But if it's you, then maybe you just need to cut back a bit. Take a break."
"It's not that." Tony looks frustrated. "It's not work or Avengers business, it's just that-" He takes a deep breath like he's bracing himself for what's to come. "You remember when you apologised for the helicarrier thing?"
Steve nods and gets a small smile in return.
"You said I was a good man. And I'm not. I'm really not, but I'm okay with that, I'm trying to make up for my mistakes and I'm great at what I'm doing at the moment. So, when you say stuff like that, it's like this whole world of possibilities opens up and it's all right in front of me, but still out of reach. It's hard." Tony pauses. "And it hurts." He finally admits.
Steve's doesn’t know what to say to that. They aren't best friends, Tony and him, not really anyway, and Tony has many, many times, proclaimed how little he trusts Steve. And still, here he is, pouring out his soul to Steve. Laying it bare, open, for Steve to do as he wishes. Just months ago, Steve's first thought would have been about using this information, this trust, to better control Tony, but now all he can think about is, that Tony doesn't think he's a good person and it's Steve's fault too.
"You're a good man," Steve says and he doesn't sound nearly as calm as he would like. "You're a hero, you put your life on the line to help others. Your mistakes don't define you, Tony. Nobody is perfect, not you, not Natasha, not Thor and definitely not me, but we all try and we do our best and that's what makes us good people. Not that we've only ever done good, but that we try to make up for the bad." He needs Tony to understand. A part of Steve, the very primal and unreasonable part of him, just wants to shout at Tony and shake him until Tony understands that he's a good person, he's one of the best people Steve's ever known and nothing in this world will change his mind on that.
"You're the most perfect person I know," Tony says lightly, but Steve sees the careful smile and maybe Tony understands, after all. Maybe he gets what Steve's saying.
"I'm stubborn and a terrible liar."
"Yeah, but on you, it's kind of hot," Tony says and Steve's heart skips a beat. Tony doesn't mean it that way, he knows that Tony flirts like he breathes - constantly and unconsciously. It's still very close to something Steve wants, desperately wants, but can't have.
"Shit," Tony says when Steve doesn't react. "I'm sorry- I thought, maybe…" He trails off and Steve can see his hands clenching nervously, and he's actually nervous, he cares, Steve's mind tells him. Say something! "Can you not tell Fury I said that? Or Natasha?" Tony asks and Steve opens his mouth to say something but no sound comes out.
"Yes." Steve finally manages, unreasonably proud of managing a one-syllable word. The peak of human evolution. Yeah, right.
"Good," Tony says and he sounds relieved and disappointed at the same time. He turns around and reaches for the door and Steve has to stop him because it's not that kind of yes, and he doesn't know how to say it.
"No, I mean- I, maybe- You-" Steve stutters and he can feel himself go red as a tomato. He can't believe he's actually doing this.
"Yes?" Tony turns back around and he sounds hopeful, just a tiny bit, which means that he gets what Steve's trying to say - which is great, considering Steve isn't really sure what he's trying to say.
"Yes," Steve says because apparently his vocabulary is now limited to one-syllable words and incoherent babbling. He can't think when Tony is looking at him like that.
"So, we could, you know, get dinner. If you wanted." Tony sounds nervous too and Steve wants to say yes so badly. You don't even know which one the fish knife is, the voice in his head says. He's a billionaire, where would you even take him? You'll embarrass yourself in the first 5 minutes and you won't get a second chance for this.
"I don't think, I can," Steve says and while he's desperately trying to find a good way of saying I'm scared I'll mess this up because I have no clue what I'm doing, Tony's come to his own conclusion.
"Oh- Yeah, okay. Sorry." Why is Tony apologising? Steve is pretty sure that Tony isn't the one who's sending mixed signals here.
"It's not what you think! I like you a lot, Tony, but-" Tony interrupts him and what is it with Tony that he always assumes he knows what Steve's about to say. He's starting to make a habit out of it and he's never right anyway.
"You're not gay, I get it. It's fine, my mistake. I won't let it mess with the whole team dynamics thing-"
"Bisexual," Steve says and surprisingly that actually stops Tony's babbling.
"What?"
"I'm bisexual," Steve repeats. He googled that and he's quite proud of figuring it out on his own. Not that he hadn't known back in the 40's, there were only so many boners you could get in inappropriate situations before you figure that stuff out, but now he had a word for it other than wrong.
"So, it is me?" Tony asks and this conversation is really going in the wrong direction.
"Yes!" Steve says and Tony's expression gets even more pained. Wrong answer. "No! I mean- I like you. I would like to go out with you, I really want to, but it's been a long time and so much has changed and I don't know how to do any of this." Steve finally admits. It feels good to have said it.
"Oh," Tony says and he smiles. "That's okay. We don't have to- We can go slow. There is a nice Italian restaurant, a few blocks from the tower, it's small and private and it wouldn't have to be a big deal. You can hold the door open for me and I'll choose a nice wine and we'll just see how it goes if you want."
"Yes," Steve says and this time it's the right answer because Tony smiles and he gets tiny wrinkles around his eyes and that shouldn't be as attractive as it is. Bucky had them too and Steve can't even put into words how glad he is that it doesn't hurt to think about that. He's done looking back and maybe this can be his new start.
