How to Love Someone with DepressionWithout faltering and without doubt.
If someone is depressed, the main difference youâll see is that things donât make them happy; that probably seems like they donât enjoy things they used to, but obviously, you canât know how everything was before they started feeling like this. That said, you might start feeling bad because youâre not good enough to please them, but in reality, youâre doing all you can and all they could ever ask for. What Iâm saying is, you should try to make them happy, but donât feel that them being unhappy is at all your fault (unless, of course, youâve done something to make them feel bad). In fact, part of what depression does involve making it harder for people to feel and express things, especially emotions. Thatâs where a lot of the self-harming tendencies come into play; while some do it because they want to hurt themselves and they think they deserve that pain, others just want to feel something, anything, to escape that crippling numbness that theyâre so crushed by. That consuming feeling of numbness, just this overwhelming sense of defeat, is relentless and every moment they live through fighting that off is another bit of their life they havenât enjoyed (and probably feel theyâve wasted, making them even more resentful of themselves). Loved ones typically mistake the personâs lack of outward appreciation as being ungrateful, but in reality, they are trying their hardest to show you how much they value what youâve done for them, it just isnât easy.
Loving someone who is depressed can be difficult, because your natural desire is to make them happy, to be what they dream about, to see the feelings in them that they bring out in you, but they have immense difficulty showing you those things. Someone who is depressed often sleeps a lot (or is constantly exhausted) or very, very little. Anxiety over something most people would see as minor can keep someone awake all night, and getting very little sleep can be extremely detrimental to their mood and physical well-being. The symptoms of depression, loss of interest, change in appetite (for food or for romance, both are affected in a lot of cases), irritability, anger, frustration, all coincide with many of the symptoms characteristic of sleep deprivation. As a result, those issues only compound, and someone who was feeling bad before will continually get worse as the body becomes less and less able to cope with the mounting level of mental, physical, and emotional distress that constantly plagues their body. Depression is as much a physical ailment as an emotional one, and people donât seem to realize that; it saps at any energy that person has, causes aching and soreness, makes any kind of exertion much more than it would feel to most people (though some use exercise as an escape, dependent on their body chemistry and personality), and kills their drive to do things. As their body begins to lose its grip on things it used to be able to do, thatâs just another thing to add to that debilitating sadness. Theyâll hate themselves more for being less than they were, the clearest, most inescapable way to say theyâre not good enough. Soon enough, theyâll stop feeling like they can get better, because if they were feeling bad before, how could they get better now that they see themselves as disgusting and even more worthless? Love them. Give them something to be happy about. If you neglect them physically because theyâre not as attractive as before, that will only further cement their self-loathing, and while they may not appreciate or accept every compliment the way you think they should, never make them feel you donât think their body is worth anything. If they believe their body is worthless, they will be much more inclined to hurt it or get rid of it. If you wonât touch them because of the marks theyâve left on their body, you donât deserve their love. Take them as they are and be appreciative you got someone who cares enough to go through hell to be around with you. If you canât tolerate imperfections on their body, they can do better. Thatâs not to say that you need to dog someone who is depressed, asserting sexual/aesthetic interest all the time, or even doing anything sexual (though, if you have been in a relationship and have been physically expressive before, cutting that out wonât make them feel any better, in all likelihood), but donât make them feel that their body is disgusting. They probably think that already, and if you affirm it, intentionally or not, it could lead to real consequences.
Donât lie to them. A lot of people are bound to leave someone who faces depression, and theyâll likely be mistrustful toward a number of people who want to help them. Most people who leave have at one point offered, âCome to me with anything, I want to help.â, and if someone has been told to trust and has been hurt time and time again, they wonât be so willing to trust (and even less, trust fully). If you say you are going to stand by them, donât go back on that promise. If you expect them to stay here, be alive and trying for your sake, you have no right to abandon them. Trust is the biggest thing they have right now, and they need help; you should never take that away, they need acceptance, loving people more than you know (and, probably, they know how to express).
That said, do not smother them. Love them unconditionally, loyally and proudly, but donât take away their freedom. They need support, but how are they supposed to feel like a whole, healthy person ever again if you wonât let them stand at least a little on their own? Be there for them in the morning when they wake up, dreamy-eyed to see you or frightened at a nightmare, and let the sweat of their forehead drip onto your lips, hold them until you can feel their heart beat calmly as the sun shoulders its way through the blinds to scream at them theyâve made it another day.
Another day.
Love them hard, let passion guide you and never give up on them. The ones with the saddest eyes hold the most light, and the heaviest bones can hold you in their arms until you both crumble to dust. Love them because theyâve been through hell and theyâll never be afraid again as long as they have you. They will be the most loyal, faithful, loving soul you have ever had the immeasurably good fortune to come across, just as soon as they can love life as much as you love them. Please, love them without hesitation and with all your heart. You will never find a stronger love.
Remember, they are not only the depression inside them. They are a person, a resilient one, with dreams and fears and loves, and never let that depression define all they are to you. They are so, so much more.
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