Amparo K

Author, Poet, Recovery (Feb 28, 2020), not only living but thriving.

[amparokvb]

it’ll always hurt . your name , that is .

it’ll hurt when I see you with another girl that’s not me . it’ll hurt when you say ‘ i love you ‘ to her . it’ll hurt knowing that because of the girl before me , you were scared of loving me when all I wanted to do was love you . it’ll hurt forever knowing you didn’t want to see me seriously and commit .

but that’s okay . right ?

the more we love , the more we lose .

but i’m not okay with losing you .

yet somehow , you’re okay with losing me .

maybe it didn’t mean as much to you as it did to me .

but somehow , it’ll always be .

— Amparo K

[amparokvb]

beauty in death

She was once so beautiful

Her pale skin and dark eyes never seemed to dim in the moonlight

The way her tears glowed in the wake of her sadness made the stars jealous

She was beauty in death

Her skin is now stained red and inked with hateful remarks about something she had no control over

But now she’s broken

Pills to the left

Temptation all around

Sat down imagining the ending to which she wished would come soon

One first kiss

One last kiss

All in one night

What a perfect way to finish off her young life

— Amparo K

[amparokvb]

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[amparokvb]

beauty in death

She was once so beautiful

Her pale skin and dark eyes never seemed to dim in the moonlight

The way her tears glowed in the wake of her sadness made the stars jealous

She was beauty in death

Her skin is now stained red and inked with hateful remarks about something she had no control over

But now she’s broken

Pills to the left

Temptation all around

Sat down imagining the ending to which she wished would come soon

One first kiss

One last kiss

All in one night

What a perfect way to finish off her young life

— Amparo K

[amparokvb]

undesired .

fuck you for making me feel like you wanted and desired me.

fuck you for pretending like you cared.

fuck you for allowing us to connect and then letting it die while you entertain another girl.

fuck you for thinking I am an option when I am everything but.

fuck you for me still wanting you.

— Amparo K

[amparokvb]

game of hearts.

I’m never going to wait that extra hour to text you back. I’m never going to pretend like I didn’t get excited when I finally saw your name on my screen after days of silence.

I will not play hard to get when I know both of our lives have already been hard enough. I will never play this game we make of love nowadays.

Like checkers or chess.

Except the pawns are our scars and we are only deemed a winner if we get away without a broken heart.

I don’t intend to leave this life with every last shard of myself, no, I will leave this life shattered into a million tiny pieces of myself mixed with the memories we’ve created. I refuse to give into the game of cat and mouse to see who can fall first.

Because the truth is, my dear, neither of us will win and both of us will fall.

— Amparo K

[amparokvb]

unthinkable

Remember : everything that has been done was once considered impossible.

[amparokvb]

almost my last.

One pill and then two. My back hurts I said.

Three and then four. The others stopped working.

Number five was 40 milligrams, my nightly pill, I HAD to take this one.

Number six, “mom my head hurts” I told her digging in the medicine cabinet again.

Seven was a sleeping pill, “it’ll help me sleep so my headache goes away”

My eighth pill was followed by my ninth at five o’clock in the morning, “my head still hurts,” I justified.

I’ve taken too many but I still want more.

I slept til three in the afternoon. One more pill, I googled, and I wouldn’t have woken up.

For the second time in my life I almost overdosed. All because I didn’t want to feel anymore.

I feel nauseous.

I’m sweating. It’s too hot.

“Mom I don’t want to eat, I feel sick”

My heart is beating too fast, too fast when I can’t feel anything.

I feel too much.

“Are you okay?” It echoes in my head. Am I okay?

[amparokvb]

what cannot be said

will be held inside

until it can be wept

-Amparo K

[amparokvb]

many guys have wanted to lay me down

but none have wished to lift me up.

—Amparo K

[amparokvb]

dandelion.

i was thirteen when i slowly started withering away

like a dandelion  

pretty at first, bright and colorful 

with many petals and the strength to withstand a storm

until my seeds pushed through 

when that happened, my petals fell

down

     down

          down 

and i was no longer pretty, nor bright and colorful 

i was a skeleton of the flower before

yet somehow no one cared 

they still plucked me up, made a wish and then watched as i permanently blew further from my past self

without my strength i let go

i granted their wishes anyhow

making sure i helped then in every way possible

even if the price was my own destruction

a dandelion. 

[amparokvb]

Why did it have to be you?

why? 

you were the person i confided in

i told you my secrets hoping you’d keep them

i allowed myself to let my walls fall down 

i let you in

i cried to you 

i thought you’d never hurt me 

i thought...

i thought you’d support me

and you did 

for a while 

until your patience ran out 

like everyone’s does eventually

maybe i’m a lost cause 

maybe i’m not worth the trouble and heartache of others 

but why you? 

why did you have to claw and scratch at my insecurities until my scars were ripped open and i was left a bloody mess?

why did you hit every inner thought and nail it into place with a secure hold?

‘it is your fault’ you said 

but no, it’s not 

it’s HIS

i was his victim who he did whatever he wished to while couldn’t do anything 

i was only four of course 

i thought what HE did was the perfect crime 

but no, 

what YOU did was

you claimed to love me unconditionally

with my flaws and insecurities 

you claimed you would stand by me 

not tear me down

rip apart my scarred heart and mind 

but it truly was the perfect crime 

i never saw it coming 

and perhaps that’s the worst part 

but it taught me something 

i’ll NEVER let someone in again

but one question still remains

why?

because i would have never done the same to you

-Amparo K

[aeris-poetry]

skinny

when I was dying

I think it is really fucked up

to start a sentence like this

everyone complimented me

on slowly turning to ashes

'You look so pretty dear'

they said

and I heard

'try harder'

when someone is suffering

from lung cancer

You don't light them a cigarette

You don't

You do not hand a suicidal person

a loaded gun

unless you want them to die

so why did you?

why did you handed me a gun?

what was I supposed to do with it?

besides pulling the trigger

when you are sixteen

and at some point

we all are

nothing is as easy as dying

without anyone noticing

dying isn't like it is in the movies

a 60 second sequel

with blood and wounds and lots of noise

it is a quiet long-term-process

You do not recognise the dead

-aeris

[backonthisanashapedcrack]

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