Poetic Portal

[ampoetry]

we're loyal to who feeds us like animals

ants in soda cans

i'm on a tree patient bears under me

handprint bruises like love notes, crumbs

cockroaches wait in dark corners we're all just hungry

[ampoetry]

no, that's fine, i'm so patient or, i pray to be or, i have experience in it and god gives me opportunities to practice it

no rush, i'll wait here i'm used to it

this room and me. this is my default state

you say you need time and thank god that's all i have i've saved days and months of it, you can have it here, have all of my time i don't need it

this is our default state me waiting and you needing time

the ball is in your court that's fine, i don't need it

frankly, i've never even seen the court

[ampoetry]

i'm always looking for signs it'll work between us it's all i have, you know. signs there's nothing else real here to stand on

red cardinals representing monogamy bumper sticker angel numbers tiktok tarot readings off vibes, you could say then i get this yucky, no-good sign that it wouldn't work so *now* signs are legitimately indicative?

and you know what, i'm sick of signs it would take something real something i can tape to my fridge, show my mother

flowers, a card, dinner reservations plans for a day trip and a star named after me a boombox outside my bedroom window a suit of armor on a white horse and a spring wedding

i'm totally realistic totally fairy tale i just want my happily ever after

the dogs were barking, and i convinced myself you were outside

[ampoetry]

there could be sharks in the water, but i still swim the waves are taller than me my jewelry disguises me as a fish i bleed into the water and i would taste soo good the odds are stacked against me but i still swim

and at any point in time, the car i'm driving could catch fire, combust, and explode the lit cigarette doesn't help i'm hungover, extra flammable driving at breakneck speeds on cracked roads surrounded on all sides by 2 ton death machines relying on the brakelights and reaction speed of the white hyundai elantra in front of me blink, and you miss it the odds lay how they may still, i drive something bad could happen the chances of a plane crashing onto your house are always nonzero the impending zombie apocalypse my pet dog remembering her carnal instincts and eating me for breakfast, lunch, and dinner catching a brain eating amoeba in the drinking water cancer diagnoses 1,000 locusts the rapture terrorism disease famine war

it's scary out there and in here, my ceiling fan could silently spin itself out of its screws i don't think i've ever checked their tightness, in several years of running it it gets so hot in here and still, i risk it something bad might happen but something good, too i don't have quite the list for that i've never been the optimist it's unlikely you tell me it couldn't happen our past weighs heavy on a fragile future everywhere i turn, someone tells me it wouldn't work my friends outright forbid it on paper, incompatible i run cold, you sweat in bed i spend freely, you save with conviction i'm ruled by emotion, you command with logic we both fail the olive theory don't even google our astrology compatibility our pros and cons list leans lopsided the odds are incalculably slim

but still, i try things could work out between us i could take your last name carve our initials into a park bench grow wrinkled on a wooden porch the odds are against it but still, i try

because something good could happen

[ampoetry]

i can't even be mad at my little handheld amazon vacuum it's up against a 120lb great pyranese with a clogged furry filter it's too much

i can't even be mad at you you tried to do this i'm too much

yes, i think of you while handheld vacuuming

[ampoetry]

is it possible?

i find it in your ears,

under your arms

stained in your seat

mud up to our necks

ill need the industrial stuff

ill do you if you do me

can two people really clean each other?

can i wash the devil off your left shoulder?

can you have your cake, and eat it too?

i pose the question, i have to

years of buildup, bittersweet

i hate to admit i like the taste

i think i see it in your eyes, too

two messy, muddy people

can i believe it?

can you?

[ampoetry]

would you call a third time? 2 missed calls, i toy with another would you wear jeans that aren't yours cause they look so good a third time?

girlish guilty pleasures would you take your hands off the wheel to pick up the phone? i do, i do, i do (and i'll wear the jeans again too)

[ampoetry]

im a secret in his house sneaking on gravel through bedroom windows i hope my headlights shine somewhere important

it's not a competition but i drive away and he wins

[ampoetry]

because i still feel it

can you feel my brain poking yours? miles away i know you do i know you do

[ampoetry]

you break my every law what am i, a mall cop? maybe a meter maid i'm due some self deprecation you run my red lights conspire against me obstruct justice and evade pursuit my every jury finds you innocent and you got away with it, too

[ampoetry]

soft headlights glow green fuzz foglights i can't quite see the road guided by angels white stallion shining the way more like this hyundai elantra with his brights on you can romanticise it, yea but no one will save you

[ampoetry]

yummy sunny cycles soaking up sun rays in smoke haze the wind blows it back in my face my dogs pace it makes them nervous to see me outside ripped shorts, red toenails, resting bitch face the wind tickles and the dogs bark at me it's not a bad place what can you put up with for a couple years? it's just a phase it's gonna be worth it

[ampoetry]

i keep a running checklist that paints my stony walls rough with tally marks i hold grudges and count scores i keep track meticulously i'm owed, due up one, winning and rightly so diagnosable, transactional ugly unforgiving games elephantine, tactical

you hated how i counted bites sliced down perfect invisible middles younger sibling expertise fair and obsessive judicial, executive tit for tat would you like me better now? i've learned to share i would give you the last bite a 2/3 majority (which holds control of me) it's more than enough you never needed much

you tried to beat it out of me, but i can't help myself making mountains out of mole hills creating battles on a tuesday sparring with serving platter toothpicks abhorring brunch sharing plates that last sip you'd accuse me of watching you drink

we kept it so even teetering on tightropes with alligators at the bottom

now i steal glances and share nothing it's easier

[ampoetry]

it's bratty childish embarrassing

i remember discussing with my then 5 year old niece the difference between "want" and "need" "I NEED IT!" "you don't NEED it, you could live without it. you WANT it." "... but I really need it!" she didn't get it, or didn't care to it must run in the family

i need you selfishly, childishly, embarrassingly

[ampoetry]

i've been delaying gratification maybe god will reward me for my patience young hoes don't take advice quick short, cut corner and you'll buy me a drink up by noon covered in bruises im a bug pinned to the wall clipped pretty, flat crooked im living proof that glitter gets on everything i leave my windows open just in case bigger, better, burning bridges im living through every day minmaxxed for efficiency two at once, i'm blurred together seeing double im packing overnight bags with toeholds on cliffsides

and i'm so effing rewarded

[ampoetry]

i am like this and i have never not been this i can't spit it out it pervades in my throat and my parents are like this a future i don't make direct eye contact with opened windows but closed doors and you can't dig it out or hose it down or throw it in the wash and i take my daily vitamins so that i can have kids like this

[ampoetry]

like how a sock is a sock even striped, even my ex boyfriend's two sizes too large, i wear them to work and first dates like how the socks don't quite match, and i dig in that same black pit every day looking for a pair and when it's cold, i try to catch the heat with my hands, too