Ok so let me break this down for you guys.
We begin with our protag, Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet, arriving on the CGI ship from Frozen to whatever town Ariel and Prince Eric live in ok whatever.
Good honest Jimmy immediately becomes enthralled by the feminine wiles of Melody, the 12 year old half mermaid daughter of Ariel and Eric. Who is 12. Jim is 17.
They have some pleasant chit chat on the beach, as 12 and 17 year olds tend to do. Then Jim, for some reason, is at the ball (birthday? saturday night jam session?) for Melody because I guess 12 year olds have balls in this thriving beach-side society of terrible merpeople human hybrids. Jim appears smitten, gazing lovingly upon Melody’s bitchin’ eyebrows. I wish I knew how to fill in my eyebrows that good.
THIS IS QUICKLY TURNING INTO ROMEO AND JULIET AND I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
Ariel, meanwhile, watches a 17 year old space drifter flirt-bonding with her prepubescent child with the kind of sweet nostalgic smile only a woman who has felt the touch of an older man knows. The viewer appears to be only person in this universe feeling concerned.
BUT WAIT. Trouble in paradise for Ariel as Jim witnesses Prince Eric and Princess Odette, the vicious homewrecker, from The Swan Princess(was that disney? i dont think that was disney?) sharing a romantic moment in a super public place that isn’t very good for infidelity you wanna keep under wraps.
Mr. Hawkins breaks the news to Ariel, in a tense sea-side moment wrought with raw emotion and tension.
In a later scene Ariel joins Jim and Melody on the beach, where she remembers her days as a hot underage mermaid. Jim apparently now lusts after Ariel? Or did he not lust after Melody in the beginning and it was suppose to be like a sister-brother kind of situation that we where looking too much into? Is he in love with both an older woman and a younger woman that happen to be mother and daughter? I am still not resolved.
Ok so Jim definitely is in love with Ariel who turns him down, despite having watched him lovingly from her window in a prior scene. Jim has only one option…
Go to a brothel! Where Jasmine and Esmeralda are apparently supplementing their incomes with sex work. Apparently disgusted by their hip swaying Jim’s attention is drawn to…Jessica Rabbit. Who also lives in Little Mermaid Town because why not.
ARIEL’S FUCKING FACE SUPERIMPOSED ON JESSICA RABBIT
In a confrontation with Ariel over her supposed flirting with Jim, despite documented accounts of Eric’s own infidelity with a human-bird monster, Eric absolutely loses his shit and attacks Ariel with a fucking sword.
Then orders what I think is the Russian army from Anastasia to pistol whip his daughter unconscious. I am not sure if Eric thinks Melody is the hidden daughter of Ariel and Jim, even though she looks exactly like Eric, or if he’s just totally insane. It’s never really explained.
Eric has Ariel and his own daughter locked up in the dungeons, teaching his daughter that if mommy is a dirty flirt you get the shackles too I guess. Then suddenly I guess a fire starts and shit get’s real for Ariel and presumably Melody.
Jim Hawkins bravely rushes to the scene, facing the fires to save his mother daughter love triangle. Only to find that the flames have claimed their lives and he is too late. There is no word about Eric or the world-wide war between magical mermaids and humans he’s started by murdering the youngest daughter of the literal king of the sea.
Maybe the real treasure was the mermaid love triangle he found along the way.
yousharknotpass
tangentwithtanner
germansingergirl
prguitarman
romaincrisis
turnnoffyourmind
ellievsbear
