the choking yoke of anxiety
I studied as a scholar in college, and one of our requirements to maintain the scholarship every semester was to subject ourselves to a counseling session. I think that was the university’s way of keeping our mental health in check.
My trips to the guidance counselor’s office were actually very therapeutic. My counselor was a wise old nun, and she always made me feel like home was only a heartbeat away.
Med school is no different. We also need to see our mentors at least once every bimonthly. Mentors know exactly how holistically draining it is to study Medicine, since they were once medical students themselves. Hence, during mentorship sessions, they radiate beaming rays of empathy and encourage us to purge out our frustrations. I could still vividly remember how I shamelessly broke down in front of my mentor during the first bimonthly. PURE GUILTLESS CATHARSIS.
I never really liked opening up to people. But the lifestyle that I chose to lead is rather stressful, and that somehow necessitates me to not bottle up my feelings in order to keep my sanity. :))
After all the required appointments with counselors and mentors, they never labeled me with anything that required further professional help. No disease, no disorder. I am completely normal. Mentally healthy, mentally fit. Which is something I should be happy about. I am. I really am. But...
Is it completely normal to wake up in the middle of the night feeling irrationally nervous, with my heart thumping so fast as if it’s threatening to come out of my chest?
Is it completely normal to have sweaty palms and soles while being confined in a cold, fully air-conditioned room?
Is it completely normal to have random feelings of suffocation while being in a very open space?
Is it completely normal to have my worries visit my dreams, when it's supposedly the only time of the day that I should get some rest?
Is it completely normal to obsess over all the possible ways of how I could fail miserably?
Is it completely normal to doubt myself so much, that it actually paralyzes my drive to realize my full potential?
You see, I may have not ticked off some signs and symptoms to warrant a psychiatric diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean I’m thoroughly okay. I have been riding this internal roller coaster for as long as I could remember. The G-force probably went up to its maximum this time, and my poor body finally gave in and manifested the motion sickness. Right now, I’m a big puke machine. Figuratively.
Some people tell me that there are others who have it worse. That may be true. But that doesn’t mean I have it easy either. Truth of the matter is, we each have our own set of sufferings to bear. Sufferings in different scale and gravity. We don’t get to decide which among us should and shouldn't feel worried. Absolutely none of us has the right to invalidate someone else’s response to stress just because we deem their struggles irrelevant. Simply put, we don’t get to dictate how other people should FEEL. Period. The world is in dire need of empathy. Just a little of it would go a long way.
So as my internal roller coaster ride goes on, the vomiting continues. But persistent vomiting, from what I’ve learned, pose one big risk: choking. But God appeared just in time to perform a Heimlich maneuver on me. He rescued me before my airway becomes completely blocked, before my systems are deprived of oxygen. The finest first-aid I have ever received.
Indeed, He saves. He delivers.
While yes, my yoke may sometimes choke me, but God comes along fully equipped with His life-saving measures. It’s amazing how God makes His presence known during times of adversity.
My life is no bed of roses. It is far from perfect. God didn’t promise me a life without struggles. But He did promise to strengthen me. And that behind my suffering is a wonderful sense of fulfilment.
Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.