some thoughts on my Skip Westcott fics after a year's hiatus from this account
(tldr: I wrote A LOT of fanfic VERY QUICKLY about sexual violence because I had been traumatized, and doing that helped me make a lot of progress with my own recovery/healing, so I've been spending less time writing about it, but I'm not done writing!)
From the moment I saw a TikTok about Peter Parker and Skip Westcott a few years ago, my trauma brain would not let go of it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I absorbed it. I had read all 34 pages of ao3 search results that there were in the tag at the time. It wasn't enough so I started writing. I had to. My brain was bursting at the seams with creativity and awful things that happened in real life and a determination to fight my way towards healing. So I started posting my fics.
This went on for two years straight. There was not one waking moment where I didn't have a Spider-Man rape recovery fic plot snatching up every brain cell that wasn't absolutely necessary for daily life.
But I still went about my daily life, I had a job (shitty but it was something) and I had friends and I was doing activism and I felt like I had a purpose in life. It was better than the previous year of feeling like a ghost after seeing my peers go on to be successful adults with careers while I was left to grapple with my trauma. And it was better than the years before that when said trauma was actually happening. But dear god was it a heavy thing to shoulder.
I did a lot of work in therapy while I was being retraumatized by large institutions that don't give a fuck about survivors, and I continued to do a lot of work in therapy once I was out of the traumatizing environment, and I still do. Tried some medications, some worked well, some didn't, so I tried some others, and so on until I settled on a few that worked for me. 10/10 would recommend btw.
As my writing energy petered out (ha!) over time, I found that I was starting to define myself differently, that the trauma I experienced was no longer the majority of who I was. I think I needed to do all of that writing--two years of it, nonstop, "like you're running out of time" or whatever they said in Hamilton--to get to that point in recovery/healing.
A few years ago, my internal monologue of self-loathing was waving "if I'd done this one thing differently I would not have gotten hurt" in my face 24/7. I spent two years redirecting that constant self-blame into whump and hurt/comfort fanfic. Because I did that, I don't get the internalized victim-blaming shit stuck in my head nearly as often anymore. Nowadays, my nightly highlight reel of times I fucked up is just small embarrassing mistakes that most people have probably also made. It's kind of nice, actually.
Many Skip fic writers write their fics as a way to process and heal from their trauma, and a lot of readers read them for the same reasons. It might seem weird, cringe, or gross to some, but I really do believe that it was and is an important step in the right direction for many of us.
The writing and editorial team at Marvel Comics that collaborated with the National Education Association did a good thing by creating this comic. Even decades later, it still has an impact. I am grateful for their work.
I am glad I did this. And while it does not feel as urgent of a story to tell as it did during those two years, I am going to keep writing.
List of my fics if you're interested :)
Resilience was my first fic, and I wrote it because there was maybe one other fem!Skip fic on ao3 at the time. Many people think that it is impossible for women to rape men. They are wrong.
Secrets was my comic-compliant retelling of Peter's story. (I say comic-compliant because I don't think it's included in "canon.")
Kind Love was a hopeful bit of writing about sex still being possible, and a good experience, even after sexual trauma.
Never Again was pure catharsis and an expression of rage.
The Courage to Tell was another look at the comic and what it might have skipped over.
Boys Will Be Boys was about the impact of rape culture and patriarchy on male survivors, and the additional hardship of sex education on a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It felt as important as Resilience. Male survivors face specific challenges, and those do not lessen the importance of justice for survivors of any gender, but they do need to be addressed.
Not Your Fault is my most popular work, and the comments section is full of readers who found that it resonated with them. Some even credited this fic for major progress in their healing journey, like understanding that the trauma they survived was not their fault, or seeking therapy about their trauma for the first time. I'm so proud of every single one of them, and they are the reason I kept writing.
A Cavalcade of Anger and Fear was the prequel to The Courage to Tell. I wrote everything but the rape scene. I didn't want to write the rape scene.
Twelve Hours was an anti-fraternity rant combined with even more niche lore about male survivors in Marvel comics. Wade Wilson and Bruce Banner join our cast of characters here. I never finished this one because I couldn't figure out how to write realistic justice. Very few college sexual assault survivors actually report their assault(s), let alone pursue a Title IX case or actually having the perpetrator face official consequences for their actions. There wasn't going to be a satisfying ending.
Uh, and then I watched ATSV and also found out that a member of a band I liked was a serial rapist, and I started writing about Hobie Brown because I am a leftist and I was SO EXCITED to write about anarchism. So I fused the two topics together, and the result was Don't Fill A Spider Up With Dread, a brutal tale of abuse of authority and how anarchists respond to sexual assault when they don't trust the cops to handle it right. Also a weird love letter to the live music community for handling the band allegations well and yeeting that motherfucker out of the scene.
And then I read Raptorspring's "Stripped" fic about the depravity of powerful people who know they will never face a single consequence in their life, and I wrote Neverending about the journey of a leftist leader who struggles to understand that their trauma is not a weakness or a liability to their political cause.
Reclaim was sort of my Spider-Punk version of Kind Love, but I challenged myself to write more plainly about sex and masturbation and how difficult that can be for survivors, and the shame that comes with that difficulty.
I came back to Peter Parker fics with You'd Be So Proud of Me, from the perspective of a young child who Peter had saved from their babysitter who was attempting to molest them, and that child (now grown up) visiting Peter's grave to pay his respects because he might have been the only one who knew about their shared trauma.
Rekindled, Resurrected came about specifically as a story of trans joy despite horrible violence, and finding the courage to be true to yourself with help from loving friends.
In all honesty, I wrote Bully in Blue because I was mad about somebody writing a Hobie x cop!reader fic and I hate the police and Hobie also hates the police. I know, I know, don't like don't read, but I couldn't help myself lmao.
And then I bit off way more than I could chew with Reel Against Your Body's Borders, my NoirPunk antifa AU fic (formerly titled "we mend together, gaze to Cassiopeia") that somehow had me writing 10k-word chapters on a monthly basis??????? Also a weird way to write a love letter to activism and the people who dedicate their lives to it.
And then I just ran out of steam. Lol. Who could have ever seen this coming? /j
I want to finish RAYBB, continue Bully in Blue, and maybe also write some of the other fic ideas I had kicking around in my drive folder. I don't know if I will ever get to that last part, so I'll post my ideas in case it inspires anyone. It'll be a "holy shit, two cakes" moment.
Childhood best friends Spider-Gwen and Earth-65 Peter Parker realizing that they're both trans, supporting each other in coming out to their families, and it goes pretty well for Gwen...but Peter's goes horribly wrong (Skip does corrective rape)
rewrite of Dread to make the punk band stuff more realistic
maaaaaaaaaybe finishing Twelve Hours? idk
