and everything, everything

a box to put things in. words, thoughts, feelings, and everything, everything.

[andeverythingeverything]

a woman without bush is like gandalf no beard. how else are we to know of your wisdom and soul.

[andeverythingeverything]

I cannot believe we broke up 7 days ago. It feels I’ve lived an entire lifetime since I saw you last.

I had my first 12 hour shift at the hospital on Thursday.

One patient, a woman, insisted she had seen me before and that I helped her.

She asked for my name and lit up, insisting still that she recognized me.

Although I hadn’t stepped foot into the hospital for a week, I believed she did recognize something in me.

I remember what her eyes looked like when she told me that I may have difficulties now, but it would be worth it because I was doing it all for myself.

I laughed and told her, “and for you, too!” but she shook her head.

No, it was for myself first. And that was good.

She thanked me many times, I must have thanked her more.

[andeverythingeverything]

I was good today. I didn’t think about you as much as I did yesterday. And I didn’t have to fight so hard not to message you. And I didn’t ask for a chance to hear your voice again.

But then I read our texts again, and how lovely they were. How soft and warm they were. And they were all together and not few and far between like they were when they were fresh. There was this illusion that you were always beside me and giving me affection.

And I read and read and read until inevitably i scrolled to our fights again.

And they would resolve and it would be sweet and warm again and they would return.

It was good that I saw that cycle again tonight.

I missed you, but now I remember.

I hope you are sleeping well.

[andeverythingeverything]

I’ve been consuming content about relationships and trying to see what I’ve learned now that my first has ended.

My brain is flooded with too many things to think so critically.

All I can feel is this aching desire for a love that is safe and familiar and brings light and color into my life. It’s not specific but still I think it’s too narrow.

I want the light and the warmth but learning to love another person feels like another mountain to climb. I have no interest in the hike, only the feeling of the sun shining at the summit.

Too lazy to love.

[andeverythingeverything]

Although I made the choice for our chapter together to end, and although I know it is the right choice and the only choice left for us, I am still in pain.

It seems much more pain than you. I am happy for you and confused for myself.

It feels almost like regret, but the only name I can give my place now is, “the right place”.

One of the last songs you sent me will accompany me to sleep the way you used to.

You were right, I did end up loving it. Thank you for loving me and doing your best to understand me.

You were right about me wanting to be a tiny sparrow, too. I hope you are sleeping well.

[andeverythingeverything]

I felt my tear drop fall uninterrupted onto my own arm.

The room feels bigger knowing you won’t be back to dry my tears. Like when I got my drivers license and realized no one would come to pick me up at night.

I would just have to get behind the wheel myself with only the sound of rubber against asphalt to fill my ears.

I know I drive myself everywhere now and I have always made it back home safe.

Being alone after knowing you—I don’t know the way home from here.

[andeverythingeverything]

I am afraid of the monster weighing down the floorboards. The fear curdles against the sludge of apathy for living. Somewhere deeper still, there burns a will to escape.

But I don’t know how to pick between the danger I know and a life I couldn’t imagine. The monster may be caged with me, but the emptiness outside may swallow me whole.

If you are killed, you do not die alone.

[andeverythingeverything]

Thanks for listening (I don’t know why I am thanking you), I love you too (I wish I didn’t).

[andeverythingeverything]

I loved you, I wanted to fix us one more time. We are more glue than porcelain now.

[andeverythingeverything]

I find myself with an ache in my chest, and I wonder if it is for you or the person I wanted. Maybe it is even simply the feeling of loss that pains me.

I don’t wish to deny myself the truth. I wish there was a way for me to know so that I might find the remedy. Or the way out.

I think I miss you. I miss where we were, I miss when we would be aching for more sunlight together and when conversation would flow like a spring from the space between us.

Sometimes I wonder how much of that was me. I don’t wish to find out at the moment, I just wish to know where my sadness comes from. Who that ache is for.

I wish we worked out. I have already lost so much of myself trying to make it work.

It will be so hard to be without you. It will be so hard to walk by myself and make the right choices moving forward. I should know better than to put myself in a situation like this again but I am so scared that my desire for love will mask my reality again.

Did I really mess up that bad? I have so many questions. I want a love that doesn’t feel like confusion and ache and desiring more than I could ever have.

I know the answer is to be whole myself. I know that independence is better than being in a relationship that doesn’t fit. I am just dreading not having a warm embrace to wake up next to.

[andeverythingeverything]

I have to bid goodbye not only to the lover I held, but also the lover I was.

We must be brave to find the lover we truly are.

[andeverythingeverything]

what if there was a way to be a less complicated person? a way to detangle thoughts? would you undergo the lobotomy or nah?

[andeverythingeverything]

my greatest wish is also my greatest fear. the most freeing thing about being alive is also the most terrifying ordeal.

[andeverythingeverything]

I think the way tom holland walks with a purpose while holding Zendaya’s hand is so #amazing like I’ve never seen her not look happy and relaxed while she just trusts the path he leads repost if u agree or like corn dogs

[andeverythingeverything]

Catching yourself in a cycle of thoughts that isn’t necessarily true but felt entirely real is a headache.

[andeverythingeverything]

I wanted that with you, I wanted it all with you. It could have been you.

You chose for the both of us. Maybe one day I will thank you, but for today I’ll wonder why it wasn’t enough.

[andeverythingeverything]

men be needing drugs to gain empathy and perspective and think it’s the shrooms unlocking a message from god but really it’s their brain finally making the connections that the women in their lives have been repeating over and over and over and