Journal entry
Feb. 15 2026 (a note to myself December of 2025)
I can do this.
Through February. I will make the money to set myself up for success.
I can master clickup and air - they will help me to bolster my failings as a working person and master (or at least significantly improve) my failings with time management.
I can do research. I know how to change. I know how to succeed. I have learned that I am 100 percent alone in this world and that has been really hard and painful for me to accept - but I accept it. I know now that no-one has the answers. No-one will fix me or save me, or honestly even care about me - but I have the power to navigate this world and act magnanimously towards others while still fiercely advocating for myself. Putting myself first and believing in myself is not wrong. All the messaging that has tried to tell me that has been confused or downright exploitative. I believe that there are selfish, sociopathic and dangerous people in the world—many—but that type of behavior is not the same as putting yourself first and believing in yourself. That’s toxic selfishness, and I can embrace a healthy ( )
I am not beholden to god. I am at the top of my priority list. Then my wife and children. Then denney. Then friends and extended family. Then I suppose people I am doing business with. But since I live in this world that is structured this way, I will compete and I will win and will lose at times—and people will be hurt and intimidate by my along the way, along with others who will feel lifted and ameliorated by me. That is just the way it will be. In no way do I seek to hurt other people, but it will happen and I accept that as a part of life.
Self-cenetered vs. self-less is a false dichotomy - thinking laterally, there is a left turn from self-centered into a healthy type of self-first thinking.
Anyways: I can work at owala until February 28th.
I don’t need to compose for fun right now - I have learned so much and come so far. I will use my free-time to do freelance projects and amass the funds I need to pay for my education. I may ask others for financial help if I so desire. Music for income will cost me 6-7 thousand dollars. I have about 3 thousand right now. This is a period where I want to give up, but I won’t. Maybe it means nothing, but I am going to use chaos magic right now to believe that this period is CRUCIAL! And I will use these last months to conquer demons of mine, prepare for the future, and become very powerful.
What other people think about me is most often wrong - they don’t know me, and as always, I am a mirror. I will not fear judgement of other people, because if they are right then I am lucky - I have been audited and given valuable feedback - and if they are wrong, it is easy to let their ideas roll off my back like water off of a duck. Honestly, and unfortunately the people who are the closest to me are completely wrong about me. I cannot fear their judgement because it will lead me into their fantasy instead of my reality. This is a dangerous territory to be sure because the delusion of self-confidence and listening only to one’s own voice is where ALMOST ALL of the men before me have walked the razor’s edge and either become something great or become something terrible. But it almost seems that this is the road I HAVE to walk. At the end of the day, I know that I am a good person, and that I care about other people and try and do my very best to balance being a good person and trying to advocate for myself - I TRUST THIS. I know that to be true and I am not interested in questioning it any longer.
So where does that get me?
Another thing to examine: I believe that I am a viable artist. I hesitate to say “great” because that words seems very loaded, but I believe that I deserve to do art for a living. I believe that I am talented enough, hard-working enough, unique enough, special enough, good enough to be allowed to compete. Worst artists than I have made it to the very top, and greater artists than I have never seen success - but I deserve to compete. I am tired of questioning whether I am worthy or not. The question now is just HOW to make it happen. How long will it take? What are the right moves? Etc.
So where does all of this get me?
Honestly I think this puts me in a position of power. No-one can hurt me. No-one can control me. I choose if partnering with someone is good for me or not. I choose if I let someone in in an emotional way, or a business way. I can view myself honestly and understand ways I want to improve, or even need to improve without questioning my worth, worthiness or power. My power is undeniable. I haven’t found a stride at owala, and I may never. But that doesn’t make me not powerful.
Very interesting that my boss praised my vulnerability. I think vulnerability has been a curse/superpower of mine in life. I have attracted people and repelled people by my vulnerability - and honestly the fact that I have not always wielded my powers well in my life is so obviously normal. I do have regrets in my life that I didn’t strike when the iron was hot. When I was younger, more beautiful, more powerful and in my prime in many ways, I played small - and again - I was always trying to do the right thing. I can only think of a few times in my life where I really feel like I did something bad that was just evil… Returning to the point: being vulnerable while not being weak or exposing myself to abuse has definetly been one of the most palpable battles for me as a human. I am so REAL. That makes me very special. I think my life is essentially HALF OVER. I will probably live past 80, but like… you know I’ll be a weird vegetable then. So let’s say I have lived for about 40 years and will probably live for about 40 more. The first act is ending. The curtain is closing - critics and patrons of the theater are leaving their seats to go to the restroom and buy snacks during intermission. The curtain is about to open on the second half of the show. The first act has been riveting and and wondrous—filled with soaring highs and heart-wrenching lows… as well as some kinda boring/stupid parts that should have been worked out a little more in the writer’s room… but it’s been a thrilling ride. I believe we are perfectly set up for the second act and my full soul is committed to astounding the audience.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.