Everything feels Distant - Maybe I'm the distance

Blog for writing stuff - 29

[andromedalee]

It feels like somethings snapped inside me

I dont know how to fix it. The pills don't help, therapy feels like a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches.

I dont feel like anything can fix this

[andromedalee]

Talking to the housemate about twitter things and decided to put it here.

The thing with Ronnie is that he's genuinely a talented musician. Regardless of who he is as a person he is a good song writer and a good singer.

People know that, it's why Escape The Fate got as big as they did with him! And especially during the time he was with ETF I think people were willing to give him a lot more grace as a person. Because he definitely did and said shitty things back then too but people let it go more easily 1) because the 2000s just were like that but 2) he was fairly young and everyone knew he was an addict and that he'd been through a lot. So people were willing to give him more time to grow and figure his shit out. Get the sex and drugs "holy shit I'm a rockstar" out of his system.

And they're not willing to extend that grace now because he's older, he's an adult who got off the Oxy and should no better but he keeps leaning in and doubling down on shit, because causing controversy gets you press and hate clicks and attention. Which is more attention for your band that previously wasn't getting a lot of coverage.

I dont think the lack of coverage was anything to do with FIR or their music tbh. I think it was just an unfortunate thing that they started when a lot of former ETF fans had moved on - they got older, found new bands, tastes changed etc and when a whole lot of other bands who'd been around a while were suddenly getting a lot more traction and airplay so they were who people were talking about.

And I think a lot of what's going on now is Ronnie taking his anger and frustration on the fact FIR never got to the heights he wanted to and definitely not as quickly as he'd would like out in the only way he knows how which is lashing out just like he did back in the day. The problem is that now people aren't willing to extend him any grace because he's a whole as adult who should know better but he doesn't care because at this point any kind of attention is the right kind of attention. Even if his actions are actively ruining and already shaky at best reputation and losing him fans or standing in the scene.

And its sad to see because I do genuinely believe he had the capacity to be a decent person and do really great things. I genuinely believe he's a good musician even if FIRs stuff isn't really my thing. But he's pissing it away because being a decent person doesn't get you press coverage but trying to fight children on the Internet does

[andromedalee]

The thing with Andy and his doubling down on supporting Ronnie -and frankly all his nonsense bullshit twitter rants since - is that I'm kind of not suprised.

His whole schick has always been being the bullied, nerdy, outcast kid and now he's continuing to follow the stereotypes by proceeding to 1) never let that go despite having become ridiculously famous and 2) insisting that he's still a bullied outcast who no one likes because he's a nerd (as if every other dude in the scene isn't also a fucking dork) even though all evidence -like being very famous - doesn't support that.

He's basically doing the same thing as every pathetic incel nerd who never got over the chip on their shoulder from highschool is doing. Which obviously means aligning himself with shitty people like Ronnie because "Oh he's so nice to me" because that's the thing. BVBs whole deal was never about standing up for anyone who got bullied it was about giving Andy an ego boost because he's still deep down an angry little teenager who decided that he'd rather piss people off than go to therapy and get over himself.

Andy doesn't and never has cared about anyone but himself. He's just been really careful not to show it until now and just like every shitty guy that goes down that same path is now having a meltdown for getting called out for valid ass reasons he can't actually counter without admitting his whole career has been based on playing the victim When he isn't actually.

[andromedalee]

The dark is closing in again and I'm edging ever closer towards the exit sign.

The shows been getting worse and worse and the only thing stopping me from leaving is the friends up in the stands waiting for me. I can't leave them this early.

But it feels like this play has been going on forever and the last time there was a part I liked feels like months ago.

I'm getting closer to the exit sign, the neon glow promising a way home beyond it.

[andromedalee]

I've been doing all my hot takes on twitter recently. I figured I should probably start posting them here since this is a blog for writing longer form stuff.

So currently people are pissed about Chappel Roan(I'm sorry if that's spelt wrong) because she made a tik tok pretty much just telling fans to not be weirdos to her when she's out in public and people are mad and i have to be honest? She's right.

Just because someone makes art you like or admire doesn't mean you're entitled to them as a person. You are not entitled to their time, or to know about their personal life. It doesn't give you permission to interrupt their family outing when you see them on the street, or to message them constantly on social media. It doesn't give you permission to trauma dump on them with your problems and definitely DEFINITELY doesn't give you the right to stalk or harass them.

Look is it nice when celebrities are nice and give you that hug and that selfie? Yeah absolutely but if they say no, they're entitled to say no and you are not entitled to have a temper tantrum about it. People need to really really start understanding that famous people are just people, and more than that they are people you don't know. And strangers, no matter how much you like their work aren't entitled to be nice to you. Especially when you decided to be a weird little creep and cross boundaries.

[andromedalee]

I dont know when the reflection in the mirror stopped being me...maybe she never was

[andromedalee]

I did that thing where I accidentally abandoned this blog again, BUT! I have actually been writing and stuff lately so I'll probably post at some point.

I've been trying to work on a lot of stuff but I'm currently very taken with horror ideas and have a few I want to explore. The main one currently is about mirror monsters and using it as an allegory for dysmorphia and dysphoria. It still needs a lot of hashing out before I can do proper writing of it But I feel good about it and I'm hoping it works as a bit of therapy for my own feelings

[xanaxfarts]

Solar Eclipse Shadows

These solar eclipse shadows form due to the distance between the sun and the leaves on the trees. The distance and the proximity of the leaves to one another cause for a "lensing" type effect, making the eclipse shadow clearer to the human eye.

[biskyfresh]

take me to the moooon 🐄👽🛸

[promptsbytaurie]

dialogue prompts for ~injury~

!!please credit/tag me!!

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, c’mere.”

“Someone get the medic. Get the medic!”

“Hey, hey, shhhh. Shhhh. You’re okay.”

“You did so good. Don’t worry, you-you did so good.”

“Here, lean on me. I can carry you.”

“We’re gonna fix you up, brand new. I promise.”

“No. No, stop. Stop talking like that. You’re gonna be fine.”

“Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do—fuck.”

“I know, I know it hurts.”

"I don't care. I'm not leaving you."

“I’m going to lift you up, okay? Tell me if it hurts.”

“Where are they? Where are they?!”

"I would believe that you're fine, but you have a goddamn knife sticking out of your leg, so."

"You just watched them die."

"This is going to hurt, okay?"

"God, I'm so sorry, it'll be over soon, I promise."

"How many fingers am I holding up? ... I don't have six fingers."

"Stop. No. Wake up. Wake up! I said wake up!"

"I came as soon as I heard."

“Get away! You’re hurting them!”

“Please be okay. Please be okay, please be okay—”

“Shit. Shit, that’s a lot of blood.”

“You dumbass. Don’t do that. Ever again.”

"Help them! Please!"

"You scared us all back there. I... Including me."

"[name]? [name], this isn't funny. Stop... please..."

"Breathe... breathe. Look at the stars, kid."

"It was supposed to be me... please, no, [name], please..."

"Tell me where it hurts, and be specific."

“You’ll be fine.” *silence* “You’ll be fine. Hey! Wake up! Please. Please wake up…”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

[ad-wills]

[mournfulroses]

Chelsea Wolfe, from "Dusk" released in 2023

[aleyma]

C & A Giuliano, Tiara, c.1890-1900 (source).

[andromedalee]

Cyberpunk but make it domestic

A little something from the cyberpunk universe me and my housemate have. It probably wouln't come up in the actual main story as it's something that happens well before that but it's been living in my brain a while and I enjoy the really odd, complicated but loving relationship that these two characters have in my head.

As a slight explanation - tech refers to cybernetics.

It’d been bothering Dollie ever since she installed the tech the night before, she’d figured it was just that settling in weirdness that sometimes happened so had ignored it for the most part. It’s only when the violent white-hot pain shoots up her leg and makes her brace against the wall that she really acknowledges that something might be wrong.

“No, no, no, c’mon don’t do this, not right now,” the prayers she’s muttering to herself go unanswered though as another jolt runs up her leg and makes it fold under her, her grip slipping in the wet shower as she tries to catch herself and bouncing her forehead off the wall tiles before landing on her knees on the floor.  She stays there for a moment, shaking as her leg continues to burn. Once it passes, she tries to move again, only to immediately fold back into herself as it stabs through her again, making her gasp.  After that she realises, she’s going to have to call someone. It’s not going to be Doc; she doesn’t want him to know about it. He was already mad when she first tried to mod herself – she can’t let him know that she not only did it again but also fucked it up this time.  Ghost is working, she could call his parents; but then they had enough to worry about with all the kids.

“P.O.D – Call Sammy.” The screen across the room lit up, a little picture of Sammy and a call icon – Calling Sammy – the little computer voice told her.

“Hey Doll,” Sammy’s voice is cheery as he answers. She can tell from the background noise that he’s out though. “Hey…you busy?” “Nah, just dropping something off for Mimi. You, okay?” “Could you come over? I need help.” “Doll?” The concern in his voice is immediate, “Doll, what happened? What’s the matter?” “I’m fine, it’s just…. I fell in the shower and I – I can’t get back up. I need help.” “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in like ten, twenty tops, okay?” “Okay. Thank you.” It feels like forever waiting for Sammy to get there, so much so that she can’t stop the sigh of relief when she hears the door open and his voice call through to her.  “Doll?” “In the bathroom.”

 The door cracks open and he pauses for a second seeing her, before grabbing a towel and putting it over her. Crouching down to look at her face.  “What happened?” “Can’t stand up. Leg.” Sammy pulls a face but nods, “okay. I’m gonna try pick you up but it’s probably going to hurt.” “Just get me off the floor.” “Got it,” he carefully moves so her shoulders are braced against one of his arms as he slides the other under her, tipping her back into a bridal carry.  “Fuck!” She hisses as he moves her, the pain shooting through her leg again. “Okay, okay, I got you,” his voice is slightly panicked as he tries to reassure her, lifting her off the floor and carrying her through to her room.

He places her on the mattress as gently as he can, and for his credit it doesn’t hurt as badly as she expects it to, before going over to her dresser and starting to dig through it.  “What’re you doing?” “Getting you some clothes so you’re not just stuck in a towel. It’s too cold in here for that shit,” he replies, tossing an oversized shirt and some boxers at her.  She nods grabbing the shirt and pulling it on as best she can without moving and keeping herself covered with the towel, even though she’s aware keeping herself covered when Sammy’s already seen her naked seems redundant. She stares at the shorts for a moment while Sammy’s pottering around, pouring them both a drink and turning around to look at her. “You can’t get those on can you?” “Don’t think so.” He sighs, setting the cups back down on the counter before walking over and sitting on the edge of the mattress, grabbing the shorts.  “C’mon, let me help.” “How?” “I’m gonna lift your foot and get you in a leg at a time, then you can just shimmy them up, or roll to get them over your butt whatever is easier.” “This is embarrassing.” “You called me for help.” “I know but I didn’t think you’d have to dress me.” Sammy shrugged, “We’ve had weirder interactions. Now come on, let me help.”

[andromedalee]

I am a zombie

And I am a Ghost

A parasite tied to an unwilling host

Tethered to a corpse that I have no control of

Running on automatic

Surviving at most

I'm stuck in a dreamscape

Where nothing feels real

The matrix is glitching

And I think I'm the mistake.

[andromedalee]

"I just need to know who would want the guy dead." Mitchell rolls his entire head this time in order to look over at him, "Vic, I love you man but I can't help you. There ain't a single person in this whole damn city that's met Ralphy O' Hallaran and not wanted him dead." "He was that bad huh?" Mitchell sighs, taking a long sip of his whiskey while he weighs up what he says next, "Let me put it this way, most guys get into the business because they don't have a lot of other options. They need money, they got families to feed, they owe someone a favour, you know how it goes. Some guys get into it for the money and the power and the girls, sure but not many. Then you get guys like Ralphy. Guys who do it because they like it. They like the blood and the screaming. They like the dirty parts of the job. Guys like that meet bad ends because they don't care who's blood it is and that makes them a liability. They get kept around because there's a boss who's got them on a leash like a good attack dog. Ralphy didn't have a boss, he was the boss. Guys like that with no leash are unpredictable and dangerous to everyone. And guys who are dangerous get taken out."

[andromedalee]

Everything feels distant

Well maybe I'm the distance

Trapped behind a veil

Living a half existence

I dont belong here

I dont belong anywhere

A ghost of a life

Thats somehow too heavy to bear

Trapped behind glass

Screaming bloody Marys

Begging for some substance

A thousand miles away

But maybe I put myself there