Shane has a about 15 different recipes he cycles though because he knows he likes them and he knows how to cook them. They are easy to make and prepare. Sometimes he’ll stumble across something new he wants to try and he’ll switch one out or just add one to the rotation. He has a routine he likes and follows.
Ilya does not. He has his meals prepped and such but he doesn’t have a schedule or a recipe cycle the same way he Shane does. He plans for the week rather than the month and regularly finds new recipes on social media from gym bros that look so gross he has to try them just because.
At first Shane doesn’t notice however when they move in together it doesn’t take long for Shane to realize that his husband might be slightly crazy because why is there a pan in the fridge filled with some form of orange jello stuff that upon closer inspection of the pantry has too be made from the bag of beef gelatin. He just stands there staring at the glass container in horror until Ilya walks in.
Shane, without looking away from the jello, “what the fuck is that?”
Ilya, looking confused between Shane and the container, it’s sugar free jello with like 100g of protein.. why?
Shane, horrified turning to Ilya fully, what do you mean??? You are already reaching your protein goals fine?! There’s no need for YHAT???
Ilya, concerned, Shane, baby, I just found the recipe online and got curious.. what is problem?
Shane, looking over at the container again and shivering, get it out of here please the texture of that thing is going to make me throw up.
Ilya, blinking but also very amused now, okey
That’s not to say that Ilya stops with the awful recipes he still tries them now he just has Shane looking at him either horrified, concerned or disappointed when he tries them out and when they do as expected turn out awful Shane gets to say I told you so.
Swimming makes you a different kind of tired, right? And Shane knows this, has grown up in and around lakes, he built his Cottage right next to a lake. Ilya does not. Yes he's an athlete but when he comes to the Cottage it's the first time he spends a longer amount of time in the water, swimming around, doing handstands, all of it.
So his first post lake nap hits hard. Ilya, freshly showered, just meant to sit down on the couch for a second but he wakes up four hours later. Half his curls pressed to the side of his head, the other fluffy because he fell asleep with his hair still a bit wet. He's got faint lines on his cheek from where his face was pressed into one of the pillows. No idea what time it is or how long he's been asleep. It takes him a minute to come back online.
"Shane?", he mumbles, not fully awake yet but already searching for Shane.
"Right here", comes Shane's voice and, oh, yes he is. Ilya blinks sleepily at him. It takes him another minute to realise that his feet are in Shane's lap. One of Shane's hands is on his shin, thumb softly caressing it. In his other hand he's holding a book. Ilya watches as Shane puts his bookmark into the book, putting it on the small table next to the couch so he can give Ilya his full attention.
"Good nap?", Shane asks. And he's smiling and his eyes are warm and his thumb keeps caressing Ilya's shin and Ilya just feels so warm and safe and happy because he still can't believe he actually gets to have this. With neither of them having to rush, to leave, to pretend that they didn't want to stay in the first place.
So Ilya just nods, stretching and then settling back into the cussions. "Sorry for falling asleep", he says, voice raspy from sleep, eyes already falling closed again. Because, well. He did just fully pass out on Shane. But Shane just smiles at him, squeezing his shin.
"It's okay, Ilya. We have time. Go back to sleep, I'll be here."
And Ilya falls back asleep, safe and happy and with the promise of Shane right next to him.
Go back to your books… and your armchair. Plant your trees. Watch them grow. 🍁☕️
(The whirlwind with which these two characters have cemented themselves into my psyche. I adore them so much... l'd like to think this takes place in the depths of Erebor. While they have a still moment together. Soft, shy confessions before the raging storm.) 🥲
I adore the idea that only Scott hunter knows Shane is as bad as Ilya.
Obviously Ilya knows he thinks his bitchy husband is the best okay, but especially before their outing
Scott is loosing his MIND why can’t anyone see it.
It gets funnier if you imagine that Shane chirping Scott of the ice that time closet on closet crime was occurring that was Scott’s way of trying to show people that Shane was an evil little shit.
It’s the *shane gives devastating blow to the ego*
*scott in shock desperate* “you heard that right? Please tell me you heard that?? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME.” *shaking in the corner glaring a perfectly happy Shane hollander*
“I’m not insane I’m not insane” *shane looks directly at him and grins cheerfully and waves* *scott shots his drink which is a mistake bc it’s not a shot*
He can’t even explain it. Scott might be the nice guy of hockey, but Shane is like a perfect angle in comparison. He barely curses (where unknown people can hear him… hes a sailor otherwise) for gods sake! So Scott stuck
Also the fact no one believes him. “Right sure Scott are you sure this isn’t because he nearly beat your ass that time?”
sure sure sure cock-drunk shane but what about cock-drunk ilya like he just got done doing the tornado 3000 to shane’s dick and of course he swallowed every last drop and he’s out of breath and panting and his eyes are half closed and he’s got this stupid dopey smile on his face and his cheeks are pink and his hair is all over the place and he can’t stop nuzzling at shane’s crotch and licking and kissing as he giggles to himself
Yuna knew she was overprotective. She didn’t care.
She was early picking Shane up from hockey practice. She knew something was going on with Shane, he’d always been quiet but recently he’d have an extra furrow in his brow. He’d leave the table as fast as possible. He didn’t talk about his teammates like he normally did. He was only 12 years old he didn’t deserve what this was at a young age.
She knew he was different, special. She thought she had more time.
Yuna decided to hang out close to the locker room, hoping to get a glimpse, just for a second, into her son’s life.
That’s when she heard it. A group of boys ganging up on the only other Asian kid on their team. Ignoring Shane, whether it be because of his talent or his western last name.
The door swung open. Shane bustled out quickly, a slight shake in his shoulders.
“Mom,” he sounded surprised to see her. “What are you doing here? Let’s go.”
“Shane.”
“Please,” he said. She had never been good at saying no to those eyes.
She tilted her head down, defeat in her voice.
“Ok.”
She signed up to be a substitute teacher the next day.
She promised herself she would never sub for any of Shane’s classes. She just wanted to keep an eye on him. Get to know the other delinquents in his school. The people who have been giving her baby nightmares.
She didn’t want to give them any more potential ammunition.
The first day back from winter break found Yuna slowly sipping a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge.
“Did you hear?,” one of the nosier teachers asked.
“Hear what?” Responded another.
“The new kid from Russia. He doesn’t speak a lick of English. I feel kind of bad for him, I don’t see how he’s going to get through middle school. Then high school will be even worse.”
“His family didn’t teach him any?”
“He doesn’t have a family here. He was shipped off after something happened over the break to live with some foster family. Even if he spoke English he’s not telling us any. We can’t get him to talk. The poor kid looks depressed.”
“That’s kind of weird right? I mean can we trust this kid?”
Yuna slammed her mug down causing the two teachers to look her way.
“Are you asking if we should trust a child? He’s 12. He’s obviously going through a hard time.” Yuna narrowed her eyes, causing the two teachers to gulp. “I think as educators you should be asking if you can help him in anyway…but what do I know I’m just a sub”
She walked out.
——————-
One the way to her room she made sure stop by the library and grab any translation books she could find.
She taught herself a few Russian greetings and some common responses. She could only imagine how hard this was for this kid. Imagined Shane in his place. She shuddered at the thought. She didn’t know if he would be in her class, if she would even see him during the school day, but she could at least put in the effort.
And there he was.
Middle of the room. As far back as the seating arrangement would allow him. Head down. Black hoodie engulfing his tiny form.
A kid.
“proshu proshcheniya.” She said. Excuse me
His head snapped up. Bloodshot blue eyes wide.
“kurtka” jacket. She mimed pulling the hood down. Per the schools rules. Also….to get his attention.
He complied quickly. An almost nervous energy around him.
“Alright class! Let’s start!”
————-
After class she had her head lowered, grading papers, mumbling goodbyes to the rest of the class.
A shadow stopped in front of her desk. She looked up.
“vy govorite po-russki?” He had a glimmer in his eyes.
She couldn’t help but feel delighted. “Nyet.”
A frown crawled on his face. He shrugged at her, asking why.
She pointed at him as to say you. She met his gaze.
“prinadlezhat” she thought it meant welcome but it actually meant belong.
He took in a sharp inhale. His breath becoming shaky.
“Spasibo.”
She held out her hand, “Yuna.”
He shook her hand. “Ilya.”
A big grin formed on her face. She grabbed one of the translation books and quickly opened it to a few words she had bookmarked. Then she reached into her wallet and pulled out a picture of Shane.
“Hockey?” She pointed to the translation on the book.
Ilya nodded his head quickly. An excited aura around him.
“Good!” She said in English. “My son, Shane.” She pointed to son and hockey in the book.
Then she pointed to his picture and then the last word she had saved.
Friend
Ilya looked at Shane’s picture like he finally found a purpose. He met Yuna’s eyes with a serious tone. Like this would be the most important sentence of his life. Like it would change the trajectory of everything he thought possible.
ilya, post coitus, sticking his head into the shower where shane is washing off: hollander i need to tell you something. stop yelling. i have a theory that scott hunter and eric bennett are fucking.
scott hunter, at the exact same time in new york, rolling over in bed: eric. benny. wake up. i think hollander and rozanov are fucking.
shane hollander sleeps in matching pyjama sets in the winter. they have to be soft and well-made. the fabric blend requirements are very specific.
in the summer it’s a cotton t-shirt and shorts or flannel pants.
no matter the season, ilya sleeps in shitty tshirts and shittier boxers. picture the “master baiter” or “i got that dog in me” (maybe bear, because yk) types of shirts. the boxers are solid colours or have random stuff on them too.
the shirts perhaps became a bit with the raiders. imagine christmas but the gift exchange includes horrible graphic shirts.
ilya quietly finds shane’s “old man jammies” adorable. shane has some good giggles about ilya’s.
Harris gets the idea to do a video asking the team popular questions they get from comments. Bood explains his tattoos, Lucca assures everyone that he is actually 21 (his most popular question is 'who is letting that baby boy play hockey?'), Troy has to defend salmon as a snack again, Wyatt's question is why Marvel? And harris has to cut the video and just put in a screen that says 'answer cut for time'.
Anyway Harris finds Ilya in the gym doing pull-ups or something and Shane is in the background on a treadmill. Harris goes to Ilya "So your most popular question is, Can Ilya Rozanov fight?"
Ilya drops down to the floor and crosses his arms (slightly swollen and sweaty from the pull ups) and mostly fake scowls at the camera, "I see this question all the time because people are very tempted by my very hot husband." He wags a finger at the camera, "But he is mine you cannot take him. I can fight very well." He smirks at the camera now.
Then Shane pops up behind him, having stopped his run, "I can also fight." And Harris is like, "oh no one asked you that Shane."
And Shane shrugs, "No I know, but if they're asking Ilya because they're going to fight him to like, steal me or whatever, they should know I would also fight to stay."
And he also smirks at the camera and Ilya looks at him with such a gooey lovestruck look that it immediately becomes a meme.
pov: you're al'lan mandragoran. your entire people was wiped out when you were a baby. your platonic soulmate girl bestfriend is falling for a gilf (weird. shrug.) you're falling in love with a girl half your age (hashtag oops) she Hates your girl bestfriend. you are all trapped together on a roadtrip. girl bestfriend is Thee ragebait queen. also the devil is coming back. everything is bad and this is the funniest anything has ever been.
keep thinking abt a Crash Out Ilya Fic where ottawa happens and he fucking hates everything abt it. its fucking ruining everything and he is so goddamn bitter and so goddamn depressed and his therapist is rly fucking bad and misdirects ilya's anger and pain at shane and shane is devolving into a full breakdown and pulling away from ilya so. ilya and shane get sorta halfway divorced and ilya gets traded to the west coast and ilya dissociates into a different planet and becomes nothing but each progressive game in the season. then of course, him and shane play each other in the cup finals. ilya beats him and lifts the cup and in the handshake line, shane says good game, rozy like a stranger, and you've really made something great here, ilya, like he's proud, like he's ilya's husband again. and ilya feels. ilya feels on top of the fucking world. then, the next day, shane over-night delivers the finally-signed divorce papers as a cup-win gift. just a little stickynote on top: for the best.
and ilya is crashing so hard into the emotional windshield, he's thinking about how pretty the cup would look, filled with his blood.
and that's where the fic ends.
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