Back to Work after a Flare / Making IBD and Pregnancy Official
After being out for a little over three weeks, I am going back to work on Monday. I am so nervous about returning! I have never been out for this long, but then again I haven't had a real flare for over two and a half years. Now, I feel okay at home, but I have my pain meds right here, my restroom, enough places to lie down and be comfortable... But I am going back to be blasted with questions by about 140 students, trying to bring back the routine they are used to with me, teaching them something, as well as planning for the coming days, playing catch-up, AND dealing with administrative things because of my absence.
I have never had to tell an employer about my disease. I have hardly even told people outside of the family. Now, people at work know something "major" or "chronic" is going on. A friend told me it was a topic during lunch. They were wondering if they should donate sick days to me, which is just heart-breaking to me. But now they know, and I will have to address it. Some saw that I kept losing weight and how sick I was. I think they will mainly focus on the fact that I am pregnant and think that I was sick because of complications. The pregnancy may have helped make my flare worse, but it was definitely the IBD that kept me from working and made me sick. The baby's been fine so far. I have a meeting with my boss where I intend to give him some details, because I don't want him to hear things from others that may only be speculations. I don't know if this will jeopardize my position, or rather my future position, for when they consider re-hiring me for the next school year, I don't want them to think me unreliable, or difficult, or sick, or whatever. I'd like to say "This won't happen again", but I can't do that.
People will no doubt be curious, which I can deal with, if it is genuine curiosity and maybe fascination with the disease. I wouldn't mind educating others, telling them about IBD, making them aware that there are many of us out there, who are invisibly sick. I like that kind of curiosity, and I don't mind answering anything with honesty. Others, however, will offer well-meant misguided advice. I don't want to hear advice about supplements, diet, and exercise from them. That's why I don't like to tell people about having the disease. Unless you are a spoonie, or very close to one, you don't understand: We live with this every fucking day. We have tried so many things to feel better... There was a colleague of mine who had to resign at the end of last year, after being out for several months, because her MS got so bad, she kept relapsing and had to use a cane. When she said her good-byes at a meeting and revealed that she was chronically ill, she said that her doctors had asked her to choose a less stressful profession from the start, but she wanted to continue teaching as long as she'd be able to. It broke my heart to hear her talk about it. I went up to her after the meeting, there was a line of people saying good-bye. The lady in front of me was giving her all kinds of advice on how to cure herself, then she forced her phone number on her, because "I will fix you up". Really? She's gonna cure Multiple Sclerosis?
Well, on the up-side, I am looking forward to going back to being normal again, having a (long) structured day, enjoying my students, and time with my colleagues. Of course, the fact that I will start getting paid again helps me relax somewhat as well. Also, it might be nice to actually be honest with everyone and tell them what's going on. I am sure there will be many understanding people, willing and ready to help me out. Be it because they are helping a friend, a pregnant lady, or a sick person. Maybe it is time to let down my guard, allow people to see who I am, admit that I am vulnerable, and accept help. I've just never done it on a large scale before.
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