AU Sinner Adam's Vetting Standards
[Adam slammed the massive scroll onto the front desk, nearly knocking over Charlie’s favorite glittery pen holder. Vaggie immediately crossed her arms, her eye narrowing into a dangerous slit.]
Vaggie: What now, Adam? Did the kitchen run out of your specific brand of processed garbage, or are you just here to waste our time?
Charlie: (Peeking around Vaggie, trying to smile) Yeah! What gives, Adam? Is this... a list of amenities? Because we just added the chocolate fountain—
Adam: (Loudly) No, Charlotte and Vagyna, it’s not a fucking chocolate fountain! Look, we’ve got new sinning jackasses pouring into the lobby, and frankly, I don’t know if half these dickheads should be allowed within fifty feet of my presence, let alone Heaven.
Vaggie: (Scoffs) Oh, wow. I am sure the guy who slaughtered millions for seven years has wonderful, flawless standards for who gets a pass.
Adam: (Leans in, smirking obnoxiously) Uh, yeah, actually, babe? I do. Because unlike you two bleeding-heart softies, the Dickmaster knows the difference between a regular sinner and a complete and total piece of human trash.
Charlie: (Blinking, genuinely curious) Wait, let’s hear him out! This could actually be really good to consider for the curriculum!
Vaggie: Charlie, are you serious?! Are you really going to consider anything this unmitigated jackass says?
Charlie: (Shrugging, optimistic) It wouldn't hurt to just look!
[Adam rolls his eyes so hard it looks painful, then aggressively unrolls the script across the desk, revealing a dense, chaotic wall of names written in angry gold ink.]
Adam: Alright, pay attention, bitchezzz. Here is my official, non-negotiable list of scumbags who are banned from the premises. Permanently.
[Charlie and Vaggie lean over the desk. Vaggie’s eyes immediately dart to the sections highlighting child abusers, human traffickers, mass shooters, and cult leaders like Jim Jones.]
Charlie: (Gasps softly, her eyes widening) Oh... wow. Okay, yeah, obviously abusers, killers, Nazis, and... (she squints) Jimmy Saville? Yeah, fuck that guy. But Adam, some of these categories—
Vaggie: (Interrupting, pointing a sharp finger at the parchment) Wait, hold on. You put slave traders on here, and then you specifically listed Carmilla Carmine?!
Adam: (Snickers, crossing his arms behind his head) Uh, yeah? Did I stutter? You might want to think twice about allying with the local Overlords, Vagyna. They are literally enslavers. Especially that Carmine chick you think is so fucking awesome.
Vaggie: (Teeth gritted) Carmilla is an honorable woman! She protects her family! She's nothing like the monsters on Earth!
Adam: (Leans over the desk, his smirk vanishing into a cold, hard stare) She literally owns souls, dude. She holds contracts. If you own a person's eternal soul and force them to do your bidding, you're a slave trader. I don’t care if she sings a pretty lullaby or acts like a mommy figure to you. She’s a predator wearing a fancy suit.
Vaggie: (Speechless, her throat tightening as she tries to find a counter-argument) She... she taught me—
Adam: (Cutting her off, gesturing broadly to the list) And don't get me started on the Moth Man. You guys want to protect Angel Dust? Then why the fuck is Valentino allowed to breathe the same air? He’s a rapist, plain and simple. I don’t care if he spout some sad backstory, I don't care if he acts like a silly goof on TV—he’s a scumbag. Same goes for your creepy radio puppet Alastor. Serial killer! You’re sleeping with the enemy, ladies!
Charlie: (Trying to intervene, her voice tight but pleading) Adam, look, we know Alastor and Carmilla are complicated, but the whole point of the hotel is that anyone can change! If we just bar people based on their past—
Adam: (Pops the 'P') Genocide, Charlotte. You guys keep calling my Exterminations a 'genocide.' But look at who’s down here! Nazis, the Khmer Rouge, ISIS, the Hutu Regime... I wasn't wiping out innocents, I was delivering holy justice to the monsters who hurt them! If I hear one of these Holocaust-denying dumbasses breathe a word in this lobby, I will literally bury them alive. I named all the animals on Earth, so poachers and animal abusers? They can come fight me behind the dumpster.
[Vaggie stands frozen. She wants to scream at him, to defend Carmilla, to defend the hotel's mission—but the raw, ugly truth of his words hits her like a physical blow. Charlie looks at the list, her heart aching. She looks at the names of the Sandy Hook and Uvalde shooters, and a rare shadow of deep anger crosses her face.]
Charlie: (Softly, taking a breath) You... you actually want to protect the victims. That's what this is.
Adam: (Stands up straight, brushing off his jacket with ultimate self-assurance) Uh, duh. I’m the hype-man of Heaven, babe. I know real evil when I see it. So, look over the list. Because if you don't vet these pricks and I catch any of them checking in? I will personally find a way to get Lute down here, and we will turn this lobby into a fucking crime scene.
[With a sharp, arrogant wink, Adam turns on his heel and saunters down the hallway, leaving the two women in a stunned, heavy silence.]
Vaggie: (Staring at the scroll, her voice shaking slightly) ...I hate him. I hate that he just made me question everything.
Charlie: (Placing a comforting hand on Vaggie's shoulder, her expression shifting from shock to a fierce, protective resolve) He's a jerk, Vaggie. But... he's right about Valentino. And he's right about the monsters. If we're going to make this a safe haven for people to get better... we can't let the wolves guard the sheep.
Vaggie: (Sighs, looking at the door Adam walked through) So... what do we do?
Charlie: (Gently rolling up the scroll) We set boundaries. We protect our guests. And tomorrow... we have a very serious talk with Alastor.
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