disclaimer: this isn't actually what you think it is, its the title of a song that i realllly love and it inspired this. also this is probably trash but I cbb to care, hopefully it’s enjoyable?
warnings: slight smut zzzz
Id always heard the phrase, "its so loud i cant hear my own thoughts." Always thought it was just an exaggeration people used to make a point. Though sitting in this room full of people dancing and groping random strangers, The music was less of a sound more of a vibration. I genuinely couldn't focus on my own thoughts. I looked to the guy on my right, eyeballing me just like he had been all night. "no." I spat and turned back to the bar and my drink. Downing my 6th shot i think it was? I shook my head as i made a sour face. When i stood up, all of the shots hit me at once. I bit the insides of my cheeks praying i wouldnt fall over and make a scene. I started carefully walking to the bathroom, inevitably bumping into every person within two feet of me.
Sighing, i walked into the, thankfully, empty bathroom when i felt dizzy. My head started to hurt and my mouth began to water with bile. Leaning over the first place i could, i gagged for a second before throwing up all 6 shots and probably the glass of vodka i had before i even left my house. I looked at the filled sink before ignoring the mess i made completely and walking into a stall. "This. This is funn. Yeah, im havin funn." I sat down onto the toilet seat, looking around. I was alone and the music was muffled which meant no more blocking out whatever was on my mind.
I grabbed my phone from the pocket of my skirt, thanking god i hadnt lost it. I sniffled before hitting one of my friends contacts and calling. I jumped at the sound of it ringing, giggling after the fact. I tapped my left foot up and down, shaking my whole leg. When it finally picked up, i sighed.
"yeah, yeah im. Im here. listen listen i know its like it's like late or you know, and i know i do this sooo much thats why, well thats why you're my friend and i," i started to cry a bit into the phone. She stayed silent, probably waiting for me to finish. Or she just didnt know what to say. "please pick me up kelly."
"Y/n, i cant. I dont have the car right now and besides its late and i cant drive well at night. I can call Dana or i dont know, Shawn. He might be up you know?" I sniffled some more, nodding even though she couldnt see. "No actually its okay. Im fine, ill just. Well you know i met someone here ill just catch a ride with them you know." I laughed a little, "sorry im just. Im a mess. Thank you though. Gotta go." I hung up the phone and took an obnoxious breath when i heard the bathroom door swing open and laughing following. I looked around the small stall again, deciding to grab some toilet paper to fix myself up a little. Two stall doors slammed shut and i pushed myself off the toilet seat. I walked to a clean sink and did what i could to look somewhat decent even in my state. "Great." I hurried out of the bathroom, avoiding any awkward eye contact with the other intoxicated women.
My seat at the bar had been taken but i didnt mind. Maybe dancing a bit, grinding cooches with strangers and getting chatted up by some cute boy, could be good for me. No it wouldnt, i knew it wouldn't but it'd be fun at least. Some hip hop song id never heard before started to play and i smiled at it before making my way onto the dance floor. I started to dance to the simple beat like a sleezy, drunk teenager (which I technically was.) Maybe a whole minute into the song and someones arms had already found my waist. Pushing back against the stranger i smiled.
I danced against him to two songs, a random stranger in front of me at some point as well. In the middle of the third song I whipped my head around in the direction of the entrance to the tacky night club. Of course i see the very last person i needed to considering he was the very reason i was here drinking up the pay check he gave me. The song changed to "Sextape" by deftones just as i saw him and i rolled my eyes at the cliche incident. (¤) I looked away pretending not to notice him, or the mad look on his face. When I turned around i smiled harder knowing he had seen the stranger getting more than friendly with me. He made his way towards me, politely pushing through the crowd. The dancing stranger departed. Taking shawns hard stare as his que to leave.
"Y/n, we are leaving. Lets go" i grabbed his wrist and put his hand on my waist. “C'mon you partty shitterrr. Dance with me. Plllleaaaasse. Then ill be a good girl and you can drag me home." I jumped up and down hoping that would convince him for some reason. He looked up, leaving his hand on my exposed waist and shaking his head. "Please, its my favorite song. I promise to go quietly after its over." Still looking up he smiled a bit. "No." I gave a toothy smile at him, "pleasssseee shawnnn." He shook his head some more and stood there, waiting for me to give up. "Pst, is this, is this a slow dance song?" I ask, standing on my tiptoes to speak in his ear. "I dont know why dont we just go and you can listen to it at your place, yeah?" He argued, removing his hand from my waist and trying to pull me away from the dance floor.
"No no but this is my favorite part! I dont wanna.." I watched his chest move as he sighed deeply. "Plus i wanna dance with you, loser." I put my wrists around his neck and he didnt say anything but watched me as i started to dance to the song, "take me one more time." I sang out with the song, dancing more than dramatically. All the while keeping some part of me touching him.
I stepped back to keep dancing and I felt hands on my waist again, from behind. I lazily smiled and swayed with him. I watched as Shawn stiffened before shooting a warning glare to yet another stranger. The hands moved away and i pouted, looking behind me, "Waittt come back they were warm." I did a grabby hands motion to the stranger. Shawn grabbed my wrist, practically dragging me through the crowd to the door. i noticed the song was over so as promised, i didnt put up a fight. I waved to all the people who might be looking at me and stumbled a bit as we finally made it through the door. "Get in." His tone was a warning and i put my hands up in defense, opening the door but not before silently mocking him with my lips. "Woah you parked so close to the door, shawny. Wait how did you know i was HERE. Did you put a chip in my neck shawn? Shawn oh my gosh you chipped me." I started to frantically check the back of my neck for any bumps. "Y/n. I didnt chip you. Cut it out, youre acting like a child." He started his jeep and gripped the gear. I watched him, silently. He really was so beautiful. His girlfriend didn't deserve such a beautiful person. She was awful to him, to his child. She disgusts me really. Its hard to avoid the late night chat i have with her practically every night after i put the baby to sleep. The only good part about those chats were catching shawns eyes wandering my body. It was never my intentions to get so fucked over shawn. I just needed a little extra cash. Now look where i am. The babysitter having to be babysat by her employer who shes shamelessly in love with. Jesus christ.
"Hey shawnnnn?" His jaw clenched when i moved closer to him. I propped my head up with my elbows and smiled at him, waiting for him to answer. "What." I pouted with puppy dog eyes, "can we get ice cream?" He looked at me and scoffed, saying nothing. I huffed and threw myself back against the seat, crossing my arms over my chest. I propped my feet up on his dash board, which i knew he hated and would have to complain about. "Off, y/n." He looked at me and his face softened. I did fall in love with him and it might not be mutual but i do know for whatever reason, i have him wrapped perfectly around my fragile finger.
We pulled up to my flat about 15 minutes later, rather silent the whole way. If you dont count my blurting out random lines of the songs i was hearing. I was still drunk, i knew i was, but i could think and stand better than I could before the car ride. Most likely from the fresh air and the water bottle, i assumed was shawns, that i stole. To my surprise, Shawns door opened and closed and he followed me up the steps to my flat. I stopped at my door when i felt shawns eyes wandering my body. "What?" I giggled. "Nothing, go inside." He nodded towards the door and i smiled, shaking my head. I twisted the doorknob, thankful it was unlocked considering i didnt bring my keys out tonight. As soon as i stepped inside, cold air rushed over me. The front door shut behind me and i clicked my tongue, turning on my heel to face him. He grabbed my chin with two of his fingers and made me look up at him. My eyes were glossy, either from the alcohol or the pure adoration i had for him. "What are you doing, Y/n?" He asked, his eyes a little sad. "Oh. Uhm, standing in my living room?" He pursed his lips and shook his head, "you know what i mean. How did you even get served there?" His grip on my chin tightened when i tried to look away. "Well like, i have these friends and theyre SUPER cool. I was just talking to them and then we were like oh lets go here blah blah but noooooo im too young. BUT THEN my genius friend was like, are you ready for this.... Fake ID." i did a 'mind blown' gesture with my hands and tried to pull away from his grip. "You're acting out, y/n. Why? Is it because of what i said to you earlier? Because that, that was just the truth. We cannot be together. I am happy with Anna. I cant b-" my eyes had already started to water when i cut him off, "right okay well, there is no point in repeating yourself for a third time Shawn. Trust me, ive got it." I huffed out a little bit of air and turned away from him, partially to hide that i was on the verge of tears, partially because i want to see what he would do. I walked to my couch and sat down, playing with the hem of my shirt. Like i had hoped, i heard shawn follow in my steps. He sat down next to me and i began to talk but stopping myself before anything could come out. I shook my head and smiled, "stay here, ill be right back." He nodded and grabbed his phone from his coat pocket. I ran into my bedroom, grabbing my phone and connecting it to my bluetooth speakers in the living area. I typed in a song and smiled, running back in before it could start. shawn laughed when he heard the music start. "See told you, favorite song." I started to walk towards him as he watched my every step. I sat down on his lap with my brows furrowed, wondering how he was going to react. He just stared, mouth open and eyes on me. "Say something. Please" his mouth closed and he gave me a sincere look, "y/n i, i cant." He didnt move though, didnt push me off. He just sat there. "Can i ask you something shawn?" He nodded and i shifted my body closer to his. He shut his eyes and breathed in. "What are you doing here?" He looked at my lips, so close to his face. He placed his thumb on my bottom lip as he began to speak, "making sure you're okay." He spoke slowly, his eyes never breaking contact with my lips. "Right." I sat back on his lap, inevitably pushing against his crotch. His hands flew to my waist as a reflex. My head cocked to the side at the feeling. Any other person could touch any part of me and i wouldnt be bothered, but when shawn touches me it never fails to pull a dramatic reaction from me. It’s not even physical at this point.
It took an entire second, and a share of glances before his lips met mine. I could feel his uncertainty at first but the second he let go of all of his control. Pure bliss. That was until his phone, very rudely, started to ring. We pulled apart, keeping eye contact as he found his phone beside him. He looked away to see who was trying to reach him and by his sigh, i could tell who it was. I could feel my heart beating faster from being so livid. "Hey, honey." I scoffed and rolled my eyes. In an attempt to escape his lap, his arms tightened around me, to my surprise. He looked at me and mouthed a, "please." I licked my lips and nodded. Ridiculous. Why did i put myself in these postions, constantly. I looked down at our conjoined laps and tilted my head to the side, noticing how his shirt had rode up a bit. I placed my finger on the exposed skin. His chest moved a little faster now and i pretended not to notice. I dragged my finger down. Down past his belt buckle, the zipper. Unpredictable me, moving my finger to rub myself. I moved my skirt up a bit to reach my underwear and slipped my fingers inside them. "Jesus fuck." I smiled as i continued, my hand covering my mouth so i didnt make as much noise. Well more so to show shawn how much i was enjoying myself. "Oh no, not you. Its just, traffic you know?" I smiled up at him and grinded against both him and my fingers. I leaned my body against his and rested my head against his shoulder as I inserted my cold finger inside myself. My mouth fell open against his shoulder. It was so much better when I started to hear her speak through the phone, “I’m gonna need you home asap, I can’t believe your boss has you out this late.” I smiled and sped up. Sitting up I started feeling everything in the pit of my stomach. The faintest moan slipped from my mouth and he was fucked. "Yeah, ill uh, be home soon. I gotta go." He chucked his phone down onto my couch before grabbing my throat a bit rougher than I expected. Enjoyable none the less. He pushes up into me and just watches as I rub myself on him, not paying attention to his hand on my throat or anything else around us. I inevitability started to whine and speed up. He groaned out, “What’re you trying to do, y/n? Fucks sakes.” He pushed me against his lap harder, my body falling back into him. “Cum unf” I bit his shoulder as soon as the word left my mouth. “Mmf wantyoutofuckme.” It wasn’t even a sentence, it was a breath of words. I’m sure he understood from his reaction. “Fuck fuck, I can’t. I’m not this person, not me. Fuck.” He softly pushed me off his lap and threw his head back against my couch. He lifted it to look at his lap but sighed and threw it back again. His phone buzzed and he groaned again, checking it. “I gotta-“ I interrupt him again, “go dude. It’s cool.” No it wasn’t. “Fuck I’m sorry, I’ll have Anna call you tomorrow and let you know when she needs you.” As he finished his sentence he was already out the door. “Epic” I lied down on the couch and huffed. I sat through every following song for a good hour, finally deciding to just head to bed after that.
Waking up naturally, without an alarm or any surrounding things to wake you up, When your body is just done sleeping. That’s the best way to start your day. Of course this doesn’t matter if your head and neck feel broken and the sunlight beaming through your windows is bright and harsh. After a shower and a big pill I’ve got nothing to do. I couldn’t be bothered to think about any repercussions of last night so why not distract myself. After cleaning both my living room and kitchen, my phone begins to ring, “Helllo Anna!”
“Y/N! Are you free today? I’m having a work lunch party at the house and would like to keep Mallory busy while it’s going on.” Her voice is one of the most repulsive I’ve ever encountered and it gets worse when I have to hear her call Shawn cute little names. Sickening innit, “of course, when do you need me?” I put a hand on my hip and leaned against my counter top. “Well I need to make a few stops to get some things before the party so if possible now?” I started walking to my room to get my shoes and purse. “Epic, yeah I’ll be right over!” I hear the line go dead and choose to ignore the rude gesture and grab my purse, heading for the door but stopping remembering I needed to look presentable. I scurry to the bathroom and just throw my hair into a ponytail, using a Qtip to remove the mascara from under my eyes. “Whatever.”
I ring the doorbell while still looking at my phone. Anna answers the door, not greeting me but holding her arm out to suggest I come in. She walks past me and shuts the door without saying anything. I hear the car start and sigh. “Hello?” I called out not knowing if Shawn was here or where Mallory even was. “Upstairs!” I hear Shawn yell from a distance and I clench my jaw, knowing that I couldn’t ignore the repercussions now. I drop my purse on the couch on the way upstairs. I can hear Mallory crying in her room so naturally I walked straight there.
He stood by her crib, handing her a bottle and as soon as she had it, she was quiet. He turned around and faced me, “I’ll be out of your hair in a few, waiting on a call and then I’ll head out.” He was being blunt and not addressing what had happened last night and it made me overwhelmingly upset. I nodded and he politely pushed past me. I walked to the crib and played with Mallory’s hair for a few seconds before cleaning up some toys off her floor and shutting the package of wipes. I sat on her floor on my phone making sure she didn’t start to cry or drop her bottle. A few minutes pass and Shawn’s calling my name from somewhere down stairs. Idiot. I walk down the steps and scold him for being loud. “I literally just put Mallory to sleep, don’t yell.” I crossed my arms over my chest waiting for him to tell me what was so urgent. “I’m sorry? Did you forget who you’re, literally, talking to?” He mocks me as he walks closer and it makes my face heat with embarrassment. I looked down and he began to talk again, “well my shift is being covered so you can go if you’d like.” He walked around me to sit on his couch. “Well Anna needed me here for her lunch party or whatever, I’m supposed to entertain Mallory. You know, away from the party I guess.” I kind of just stand there awkwardly, waiting for him to reply. He rubbed his chin and sighed, “sit, Y/N.” This was it. The repercussions time. As I start to walk to the couch I hear Mallory let out a loud whine. I closed my eyes thanking her in my head, I walked up the stairs and I heard Shawn’s heavy footsteps follow. She was standing up in her crib crying. Shawn beats me to the crib, picking her up but she continues to cry, “may I?” He nods and hands her to me. She stops crying and I take notice of her empty bottle. I talk to Mallory as I walk back down the steps and into the kitchen, making her a bottle while she’s still on my hip. As I’m warming it up I can feel Shawn staring at me while I bounce Mallory on my hip. I shake the bottle in my hand and he walks up to me, taking it. “I’ll put her back to bed, go sit on the couch for me.” I looked up at him as he took Mallory from me and walked away. Fuck.
“Off your phone.” He grabbed it from me and sat it next to me on the couch before I had a chance to do so myself. “You shouldn’t have acted that way last night, Y/N. You know that right?” I scoffed. “Okay mister innocent.” I rolled my eyes at him. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Your dick shouldn’t have gotten hard and maybe you shouldn’t have kissed me yeah? maybe, MAYBE you should have stopped it, you know since you’re just so oppose to me practically riding you clothed.” I raised my voice at him, which I knew very well not to. He was my boss just as much as Anna was. He nodded and sighed. “Then I guess I’m sorry too.” He turned the tv on and I just fiddled with my fingers.
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