A blog to satisfy all of your Osomatsu-San angst-related needs. Please read rules before submitting a request! Ask Box: CLOSED - Submissions in Ask Box: 12
I feel really bad doing this, since I only just opened the ask box and accepted a bunch of new submissions, but I think this is something I need to do.
I am putting this blog on hiatus for awhile. I am not sure yet for how long--maybe for a month, maybe to the end of the year.
The thing is, I have been coping with a lot of stress lately, and things outside of my control. I have also been lacking in inspiration, I’ve been wanting to write but I have felt guilty working on other projects and not this blog, so I end up not working on anything--and I don’t think that’s fair to anyone.
Please rest assured, I am not closing this blog--I do not want it to end yet. I still love this blog and want to continue working on it, but for the time being I think I need to take a step back and focus on other things--namely, myself, and other projects for which I am feeling passion for right now. I plan on participating in Writevember again this year, and while it won’t be strictly angst there will be Matsus galore, so please feel free to check that out if interested.
During this hiatus, I may work on prompts sporadically as I find inspiration for them, but there will be no set schedule for updates. This will be in my time. I may also not do them in order should I feel inspiration for one prompt over another, but they will all be finished eventually once this hiatus is over.
I am so very sorry for this, and for how sudden it is too. But I want to thank you all for your support thus far, it means so much to me.
Please feel free to message me with any questions you may have. I love you all, and thank you for understanding.
Just a heads-up that I’ll probably only be posting once a week to this blog, at least for awhile. I want to work on other projects and I have other things to take care of too.
any osomatsu matsuno angst! let's torture the eldest :D
Ahhh I’m really sorry but I need something a little more specific if that’s okay, if you have a suggestion please let me know!! I’m all for Osomatsu angst hehe
I already have one ask that I got before opening the box again that I’ll get to, but please feel free to submit your requests!!
Fair warning that I may be going on another hiatus come November to focus on Writevember and a few holiday projects, but I will definitely get to your requests!
What about Mom and Dad remember when the sextuplets were born? They were frail and the doctor tells them it’s unlikely all will survive and probably wouldn’t reach their first birthday. But they did! They look at their grown up boys who are healthy and strong! And even visit the doctor who delivered them to show him that they survived! And he’s stunned he can’t believe it!
This may be a bit more soft than truly angsty, but I do hope you like it!!
Warning for references to death under the cut:
Another year had flown by. Once again it was the sextuplets’ birthday, and they were celebrating it in typical fashion--a special cake made for them by their mother, and a lot of shouting and joking around.
Matsuyo watched them, or rather, the chaos unfolding once the cake had been cut--Osomatsu trying to swipe Choromatsu’s slice of cake before he’d even finished his own yet, Ichimatsu threatening to throw his piece at Karamatsu if he didn’t put down the guitar and stop singing, Jyushimatsu inhaling the whole slice in one big gulp, Todomatsu taking a picture of his--and shook her head slightly, but she smiled fondly all the same.
They were every bit as rambunctious as they’d been as children, and while it grated on her nerves sometimes, she couldn’t deny they were still her boys. She loved them and would always love them, no matter what. But on this day in particular, just as she had on every birthday of theirs, she couldn’t help feeling grateful they were as active and healthy as they were now, that they were all still here.
It could have been so different...
Matsuzo placed a hand on her shoulder, startling her out of her musings. “You look deep in thought,” he commented softly, pressing a quick kiss against her cheek.
“I suppose I am,” Matsuyo replied with a sigh. “I was just thinking about the day they were born.”
“Ah.” Matsuzo nodded, his expression solemn. “Even after all this time has passed, I’ll never forget that day...or the months that followed.”
“It was such an awful, awful time…” Matsuyo recalled, her voice trailing off as the memories took over. “They were so small, so frail...they could barely breathe on their own. It was like torture at first, seeing them in the NICU, not being able to hold them and not knowing if I’d ever be able to. If they would ever even be able to come home with us. The doctors were so sure not all of them would make it through--that they’d be lucky if they even reached their first birthday.”
“It was the worst spring we’d had in a long time, too,” Matsuzo recollected. “The rainiest in a long time. It felt like the sun would never shine again. I think...that’s what it felt like for us, too, as we waited and worried. We’d wanted this for so long, wanted to be parents, and it seemed like that was being taken away from us. We never gave up, but there were days we came close to it.”
“And then one day, one day at last…” Matsuyo’s voice grew husky as she became choked up. “It was like a miracle happened. At last, they started showing signs of improvement, all of them. The doctors said they might truly have a chance. And then...then, we were able to hold them.” Tears shone in her eyes, but she smiled faintly. “I held Osomatsu first, and the second he was in my arms, I started sobbing. I couldn’t believe my baby boy—all my precious baby boys—might make it after all.”
“I remember well.” Matsuzo had also gotten a little teary-eyed at this point, and took both of Matsuyo’s hands in his own. “I held Karamatsu first, and almost as soon as he was in my arms he burst into tears, but they’d been so quiet all this time that hearing them cry was like music to our ears. A sign our babies were getting stronger.”
“And finally, at long last, we were able to bring them home—all of them, where they belonged.” Matsuyo gave her husband’s hands a gentle squeeze. “We weren’t in the clear yet. We spent that first whole year on pins and needles, expecting something bad to happen. Every sniffle, every little fever was cause for concern. By the time their first birthday rolled around at last, it felt like we were finally able to breathe. Like everything really would be okay.”
Matsuzo craned his neck to see past his wife’s shoulder, at the boys gathered around the table laughing and goofing off. “And just look at them now. Everyone is fine, everyone is healthy...give or take a few scares. But that’s life, I guess.”
“I suppose so—but I’d gladly take that over anything else.” Matsuyo brushed the lingering tears from her eyes, and she and Matsuzo exchanged little smiles, knowing how incredibly fortunate they both felt over how everything had turned out in the end.
It may not be perfect, but it was perfect for them.
—————
“I can’t believe we’ve never done this before,” Osomatsu commented.
He, his brothers, and his parents had just stepped through the doors of Akatsuka Hospital, where they’d been born all those long years ago. Although they’d been here several times since then--with six rowdy boys, hospital trips were inevitable at one point of another--this was the first time they’d ever come for this specific purpose.
Choromatsu checked the hospital’s directory. “The maternity ward is on the third floor,” he said.
“Then let’s go!” Jyushimatsu was already sprinting toward the elevators, with Todomatsu chasing after him, calling after him that running in a hospital wasn’t a good idea.
Matsuzo chuckled and linked his arm through Matsuyo’s. “Well then, shall we?”
Matsuyo and Matsuzo let the boys lead the way up to the maternity ward. When they arrived on that floor, they were met by a doctor with graying hair and thick glasses, wearing a crisp white lab coat. It was Dr. Hayashi--the doctor who had delivered the sextuplets, and had overseen part of their care in the hospital. Matsuyo had called the hospital in advance and requested they be able to meet with him, and fortunately it had worked out.
Dr. Hayashi couldn’t mask his surprise as the sextuplets stood before him, his eyes wide behind his glasses. “Why, if it isn’t the Matsuno sextuplets--all grown up!”
“Yep!” Osomatsu grinned, brushing the underside of his nose. “Alive and well, against all odds.”
“It’s amazing,” the doctor mused, gazing upon each brother in return, his expression still awed. “Truly amazing...when you were born, you were all so weak and sickly. We didn’t expect you to make it to your first birthday...and now, look at you, all still here and all healthy adults now.”
“Well, maybe ‘healthy’ is debatable,” Ichimatsu remarked, though his flat tone was a little more joking than usual.
“Yeah!” Jyushimatsu nodded vigorously. “Last week Karamatsu had to be taken to the ER because he fell off the roof. Again.”
“Er, well, I doubt he needs to know about that…” Karamatsu intercepted, blushing at the sudden attention being thrown upon him.
“The point is, we are all still alive and well, like Osomatsu-niisan said,” Todomatsu cut in, before they could stray off topic. He smiled at Dr. Hayashi. “Thanks to all the doctors here who took care of us, like you.”
“That’s right,” Choromatsu chimed in. “We wanted to come by and visit today, to show you how we’re doing and to thank you for not giving up on us. It’s...it’s hard to believe it could’ve gone a different way.”
The others nodded solemnly at this, the mood shifting to a slightly more serious one. Although the sextuplets didn’t think about this daily, it was hard for them to imagine how they almost hadn’t made it, how it had been entirely possible that not all of them would be standing here right now had things not turned out well. It was quite a sobering thought.
The mood lightened a little the more they chatted with Dr. Hayashi, telling him a little more about themselves and their interests, while he listened intently. He was clearly still impressed that they were all doing so well.
Matsuyo and Matsuzo hung back, watching their sons. It felt like they’d grown up so fast—it felt as if they’d lived through that horrible nightmare just yesterday. But they’d survived, growing from babies to kids to teens, and now they were adults, ones with big futures ahead of them even if they weren’t there yet.
Though secretly, they would always see them as their children, not always precious but always loved.
Would you possibly write something about one of the matsu boys coming out & not being accepted? Any boy is fine but I wanted to see how you could see it happening
Honestly this was really hard to write because I genuinely don’t see the Matsunos’ being anything but supportive in this scenario, but I gave it my best shot. Also I went with Todomatsu for this one.
It had taken a long time for Todomatsu to work up the courage to come out as gay to his family. He’d rehearsed, over and over, what he wanted to say, how he wanted to say it, and had even planned where he wanted everyone to be. He waited until what he thought was the right moment, one evening when everyone was together in the living room, on a day where everyone seemed mostly at ease—no massive arguments or irritated bickering, just everyone doing their own thing. He figured that was the ideal situation, or as ideal as it could be.
He’d envisioned the scene unfolding countless times in his head, how he’d say it, how he’d explain it. The one thing he could never predict was his family’s reaction. After all, it wasn’t a shock for Todomatsu—he knew who he was, who he had been for awhile. But it would be news to the rest of his family, something they might not see coming. He had braced himself, hoping for the best.
Their reaction was not what he expected once the words finally left his mouth.
At first, they’d simply gaped at him in surprise, eyes wide, in a way that made Todomatsu feel uncomfortable. Then, as the realization of his words truly sunk in, their expressions shifted—from ones of shock, to something unreadable. Their expressions were almost indifferent, cold...if Todomatsu had to say now, he’d say maybe they were looks of disgust. No one offered more than curt acknowledgement to his confession, no words of support or comfort. It made him feel sick inside.
Days went on. It was as if something had changed in the house, changed with Todomatsu. It seemed like everyone was keeping their distance from him, speaking to him only when necessary, and even then it was short and not very friendly. Everyone seemed to ignore him at mealtimes, only silently passing him condiments when he asked for them. No one, not even his parents, made eye contact with him anymore.
It was very clear right away--he was not accepted for who he was in his family.
At night he would leave his spot on the futon and go up to the roof to cry, sobbing his heart out until his chest ached and his throat was raw and he felt numb all over. He kept a low profile all day, spending as much time out of the house as possible, hanging out with friends who accepted him. They were the only people who made him feel like he belonged now.
No one ever acted angry or violent toward him, exactly, but the pain of realizing they no longer saw him in the same light hurt worse than being hit. And one day, Todomatsu couldn’t take it anymore.
“Everyone.” He spoke the word loudly, but not harshly, just enough to get their attention. The brothers were gathered in the living room, but he stood in the hallway. Behind him were two suitcases, packed with his belongings.
Everyone glanced up, expressions impassive.
Todomatsu swallowed, hard. “I just wanted to say goodbye...I’m leaving.”
“Leaving?” Osomatsu repeated, frowning in confusion.
“Yes, leaving. I’m moving in with a friend. It’s clear none of you want me around here anymore.” Todomatsu tried to keep his voice level, but it started to tremble at the end as he fought back tears.
The other brothers glanced around the room at each other, exchanging a look Todomatsu couldn’t decipher. For a moment his heart stopped as he allowed himself to believe that maybe--just maybe--they cared after all and didn’t want him to leave.
That hope was dashed when Osomatsu merely shrugged and said flatly, “No one is making you leave, you know. You can stay here.”
Todomatsu clenched his fists, focusing on the stinging pain of his nails digging into his palms so he wouldn’t cry over what was happening. “Well, it’s not like you’re going out of your way to make me feel welcome anymore. I know when I’m not wanted.”
There was silence. Whether it was because they didn’t know what to say or because they didn’t care, Todomatsu wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter. Their silence spoke volumes.
Todomatsu drew in a deep, shaky breath. “I don’t deserve that. I don’t know what I can say to a bunch of close-minded morons like yourselves to make you see that. Maybe you’ll miss me when I’m gone, maybe not. But either way, I’m not coming back. Goodbye.”
No goodbyes were said after that. No one even looked up this time.
Todomatsu gulped, swallowing back his tears, before finally dragging his suitcases to the front door and walking out of the house for the last time.
Once he was outside he let the tears flow freely. He didn’t care that he still had to call a taxi to take him to his friend’s place. He didn’t care that it would bring up certain questions he wasn’t sure he felt like answering once he finally got there. His heart was breaking, and he could only stay strong for so long.
He might still have friends, but as of today, he no longer had a family he was willing to call his own.
How about an Ichimatsu sickfic? I believe that’s within the limits of the rules. I dunno, maybe he tried to play it off as nothing, but stuff happens? I’ll just leave the rest to you. I rly like this blog and I’m excited to see the ask box open again!
Sickfic is not only welcome but also my forte, hehe. Here is some Ichi sickfic for you, hope you enjoy!
Warning for a brief mention of needles (drawing blood, very brief and non-graphic) under the cut:
At first Ichimatsu didn’t give much thought to the fatigue and sore throat he’d been suffering through all day--it had been annoying, but he figured it was probably just allergies, and had kept his face mask on the whole day. He’d felt lousy for the past couple of weeks, and figured it was nothing too bad.
By that night, though, he felt worse--he’d had no appetite at dinner, and it took nearly all of his energy to follow his brothers to the bathhouse. The soak in the hot water felt good to his aching muscles, but the walk home was excruciating, his legs trudging along slowly and his whole body shivering even though it wasn’t that cold out. When they finally got back home all he could do was crawl into the futon the second it was laid out and curl up in his spot, burying his face deep in the blankets.
“Does Ichimatsu seem okay to you?” he overheard Osomatsu ask the remaining brothers.
“He looks rather pale, and he’s shaking…” Karamatsu noted, a hint of concern in his voice. “Perhaps he’s fallen ill?”
“Then we should force him to sleep in the other room,” Todomatsu asserted. “What if he’s contagious?”
“Have some heart for once, Todomatsu,” Choromatsu admonished him. “He’s wearing a mask, and besides, when has splitting us up ever stopped us from catching each other’s colds anyway?”
“I’m sure he’ll be okay!” Jyushimatsu said with assurance. “But he looks tired, we should let him rest.”
“Fine...but if we’re all coughing and sneezing by the next morning, don’t blame me,” Todomatsu replied curtly.
Ichimatsu would’ve chimed in with a “shut up and die, Todomatsu” had his throat not hurt so badly. Instead he hunkered down deeper in bed and closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep and hoping he’d feel better in the morning.
-----------
Mhhh….I feel horrible….
It was the first thought to flicker in Ichimatsu’s mind as he sluggishly came to the next morning. He felt truly miserable, it had been a long time since he’d ever felt this sick...if he had before, now that he thought of it. He was dripping in sweat and wracked with chills all at once, his throat burned more painfully than it ever had before, and he was aware of a dull ache in his side. Not to mention, he was exhausted.
He sat up, slowly, but that brought on a wave of dizziness that made him feel like laying right back down again. His temples pulsated with an awful headache, and he brought his hands up to rub his bleary eyes and will some of the wooziness to go away. It didn’t.
Dammit….guess it wasn’t just allergies after all….
He groaned, reluctantly crawling out from under the futon. He was alone in the room--he assumed his brothers had gotten up to go eat breakfast and had left him to rest. The thought of food suddenly made him feel nauseous, but as much as he wanted to just go straight back to sleep he knew he at least needed to get medicine.
He stood slowly, the room swaying and his head spinning. He shuffled on wobbly legs into the hallway, pressing his hand against the wall for support. Every step was grueling, requiring so much effort it caused sweat to bead up on his forehead.
What...the hell...is wrong with me…?
He was close to the stairs, just a few more steps...he gingerly put one foot in front of the other, then again…
But suddenly his legs gave out on him, folding so that he hit the floor with a weak grunt. He leaned all his weight against the wall, unable to support himself, whimpering quietly as he rubbed the sore spot on his side.
Something’s wrong...this isn’t just the flu, is it…?
“Ichimatsu-niisan!”
Ichimatsu had been so zoned out he didn’t notice Jyushimatsu thundering up the stairs until he was by his side, kneeling next to him with a worried expression on his face.
“Are you okay? I heard a thud, did you fall?” Jyushimatsu asked, and although he wasn’t exactly shouting his voice was loud enough to Ichimatsu’s pounding head to make his ears ring.
“N-no...don’t feel good…” Ichimatsu managed to groan out a response, his throat stinging so badly it made his eyes water.
Jyushimatsu frowned. “You look awful...look at your neck, your glands are really swollen. And you’re super pale…”
Still rambling, Jyushimatsu helped Ichimatsu slowly back to his feet. Ichimatsu was just barely aware as his brother practically carried him back to the sextuplets’ room and tucked him back into bed. All the while he wore an anxious expression that was very unlike the sunny fifth son’s usual disposition.
“I’m gonna get Mom, okay?” Jyushimatsu said, lightly patting Ichimatsu’s head. “She’ll help you, she always knows what to do.”
Ichimatsu only managed a feeble moan in response, closing his eyes. He’d never been this miserable when sick before, and it scared him...even scarier was that he didn’t have the energy to be as scared as he probably should be. He could only hope his mother could help him, though he doubted he would be cured by her gentle touch and homemade soup.
What’s going on…?
----------
After hearing that Ichimatsu had nearly passed out, Matsuyo insisted on taking him to the doctor. He hated doctors, but he was so out-of-it that he simply put up with the poking and prodding and blood-taking without much fuss (that was a real sign of how sick he was--he didn’t put up a fight when he saw the needle, just turned his head in the other direction and kept his eyes shut tight when his blood was drawn).
Fortunately, it wasn’t long before they received a diagnosis...but unfortunately, it was more serious than anticipated. According to the doctor Ichimatsu had mononucleosis. That explained why he’d felt so run-down for the last few weeks, and also why the glands in his neck were so swollen. The doctor went on to explain that it was the reason Ichimatsu’s side hurt, too--his spleen was swollen, a fact that thoroughly freaked him out, though the doctor said as long as he was careful not to injure his spleen and cause it to rupture the swelling would most likely go down sooner rather than later (the word “rupture” only induced more panic).
There wasn’t much that could be done to treat mono, either--the most vital thing was rest. It could take weeks, even months, for someone to recover completely from mono, Ichimatsu discovered, and while it didn’t affect him too much since he had no job or school to worry about...the idea of being sick for so long was scary. He couldn’t imagine going more than a few days feeling this crappy, but weeks? Months?! Not to mention, it meant staying home and resting that whole time...he wasn’t much for leaving the house to begin with, but not be able to visit his cat friends in the alley, or join his brothers when they went to Chibita’s? He hated the thought of being excluded from all of that for who knew how long.
The doctor tried to be reassuring, insisting it was possible to have a speedier recovery as long as he took good care of himself, but all Ichimatsu felt was dread. It was awful news, he couldn’t even pretend there was a bright side to it.
When Ichimatsu got home from the doctor, he’d found his brothers had set up a temporary room for him in the spare room. It wasn’t just that his mono was potentially contagious, but they insisted it would be easier for him to recuperate if he had peace and quiet while he rested. He wanted to call bull on that last claim, but was so tired that he just crawled right into his futon in his “new” room and went right to sleep without protest.
Days passed by. It wasn’t long before Ichimatsu started to feel bored and lonely. He felt marginally better than he had the first couple of days, but he was still nowhere near well, and the thought was depressing to him that he’d have a long time of feeling this way.
He spent most of his time sleeping. He didn’t have the energy for much else. Sometimes his mother popped in to give him food (which he hardly ate—his throat hurt too much and his appetite was pretty much nonexistent), and other times one of his brothers would pay a quick visit (wearing a mask, not surprisingly). It was nice, but not the same as being with them like usual, and once they left he felt sad again.
Gradually, though, Jyushimatsu began spending more and more time with him. He’d sit at Ichimatsu’s bedside for hours, playing a game or reading a manga or sorting his baseball cards—activities he didn’t always possess much patience for, being as active as he was. He made light conversation with Ichimatsu, though kept it to a minimum, knowing Ichimatsu wasn’t much for talking. It was the quietest and most still Jyushimatsu had ever been.
Ichimatsu was grateful for the company, but he felt guilty as well. Surely this wasn’t what Jyushimatsu felt like doing—this had to be cutting into his baseball time, which he treasured. Ichimatsu didn’t want both of them to be trapped inside all the time, not when Jyushimatsu was well and could do whatever he wanted.
“Jyushi,” Ichimatsu spoke up one afternoon, his voice rusty. Jyushimatsu had been poring over a baseball book, but perked up at the sound of Ichimatsu’s voice. “You don’t have to stay with me all the time...you can go outside and play baseball or whatever you want. I feel bad if you’re staying in all the time because of me.”
Jyushimatsu offered a bright smile. “But, Ichimatsu-niisan, I am doing what I want!” he insisted, crawling closer to his brother. “It must suck being sick in bed for so long. I wouldn’t want to be alone all the time if it were me. Besides, I have my most fun when I’m with you—even if you can’t do much now, I like being with you. And baseball isn’t the same without you there, either.”
“Really…?” Ichimatsu wasn’t so sure about that. How much fun could he be?
“Really!” Jyushimatsu nodded enthusiastically. “You’re my best friend, I’ll always stay by your side! And it won’t be like this forever either, sooner or later you’ll recover and we can get right back to playing! So just keep your chin up, okay, Niisan?”
Ichimatsu blinked, just a little surprised...not to mention touched. Jyushimatsu really did just want to spend time with him, even if that time consisted of doing nothing more than hanging out in the same room together while he slept. Jyushimatsu really was his best friend, and even though he still felt terrible that realization made him feel just a little better.
“Thank you, Jyushi...I’ll try.”
“You’ll be back to yourself in no time!” Jyushimatsu enthused with a grin that made Ichimatsu believe it. “Anyway, why don’t I read to you from my book until you fall asleep?”
“I’d like that. Thanks.”
With that, Jyushimatsu settled down right beside Ichimatsu and started reading, angling the book so they could both see inside. Ichimatsu wasn’t particularly interested in baseball facts and stats, but it was comforting being read to, and Jyushimatsu’s surprisingly soft voice soon lulled him into sleep.
It would take time for him to get better, but with Jyushimatsu by his side, maybe the road to recovery wouldn’t be as awful as it seemed.
Suuji had a very tense verbal argument, and after that, they both avoided each other as much as possible, and only talked to each other if it was to start another fight
I strayed just slightly from the original prompt because I was having a hard time writing Suuji fighting and making it feel right, but I hope you like this! It’s based a lot on the “Punishment” skit from s2.
Realistically, Ichimatsu knew it wasn’t his fault--he could only afford so much cat food each week, and the more cats showed up the less food they each had to eat. Still it had been steady for awhile, the same six cats appearing in the alley every day he went to feed them. He’d become attached to each one of them, seeing them almost as his own even though he couldn’t officially keep them as pets.
One cat in particular, a ginger-colored kitty he’d named Momo, seemed especially attached to him as well. She always curled up close to him when he sat with the cats, sometimes crawling right onto his lap for a quick nap and purring contently as he stroked her fur. She was gentle and sweet, not a bit skittish as the other cats sometimes were, and whenever he prepared to leave she would follow after him and butt her head against his leg for more attention. It made him happy, though his heart also ached knowing she couldn’t come home with him.
And then one day, out of the blue...she was gone. Only five cats lingered in the alley that day, waiting for their meal. At first Ichimatsu thought she was just hiding, even though she never usually did, and told himself not to panic even though an anxious feeling clenched at his heart. But as he fed the cats and played with them, she never showed up. By the time he was prepared to leave, she still hadn’t appeared, and Ichimatsu suspected with a sinking sensation in his stomach that he’d probably never see her again.
He wasn’t stupid. This had happened with other cats before, and he knew what it meant. Something might have happened to her--in the best-case scenario, someone could have brought her home and adopted her. Worst case...something bad happened to her that he wished not to contemplate.
Whatever. No matter what happened, it was unlikely he’d ever see her again. And the thought made his chest ache and his heart feel hollow.
Ichimatsu dwelled on it the rest of the day. He was quiet, not talking to his brothers unless spoken to first, and even then he was curt. They were used to this sort of behavior and didn’t question it...all except for Jyushimatsu, who was far more attuned to his immediate older brother’s feelings than anyone else—sometimes even Ichimatsu himself.
Jyushimatsu waited until everyone had gone off to do their own thing before approaching Ichimatsu, who sat huddled in a corner of the living room, curled up in a ball.
“What’s wrong, Ichimatsu-niisan?” Jyushimatsu asked, in a gentler voice than he usually used.
At first Ichimatsu hasn’t wanted to talk about it, but Jyushimatsu could be persistent...and, well, maybe he’d feel better if he spoke up. He inhaled and then exhaled slowly before speaking.
“I’m being punished.”
“Eh?” Jyushimatsu tipped his head to the side, regarding Ichimatsu with confusion.
“Today was a good day. Mom got us treats from the store, I found an extra hundred yen in my wallet I didn’t realize I had...which means something bad had to happen to balance out the good.”
“...ah.” Jyushimatsu nodded slightly, though his expression had clouded over some. “What was it?”
“....Momo is gone.” Ichimatsu had told Jyushimatsu all about the cat before. “She never showed up for her food today. Whenever a cat disappears, they never show up again.”
“I see.” Jyushimatsu pressed his hand to his mouth thoughtfully. “But how is it a punishment…?”
“Because I’ll never see her again.” Ichimatsu frowned. “Isn’t it obvious? Something terrible could’ve happened to her. Maybe she was stolen, maybe she got sick and didn’t make it. Who knows? I never will.”
“But maybe it’s a good thing—maybe it means a good loving family found her and took her home,” Jyushimatsu suggested, ever the optimistic one.
“But unless I know for sure, I can only assume the worst.” Ichimatsu sighed heavily. “I just don’t know why I’m being punished this way, with something happening to Momo...it’s not fair to her if she suffered too...why couldn’t fate make me suffer a different way, like stubbing my toe or getting caught in the rain?”
Jyushimatsu didn’t say anything for a long moment. When he spoke at last, in a gentle tone, it wasn’t what Ichimatsu expected to hear.
“Ichimatsu-niisan...don’t take this the wrong way, but...maybe your punishment theory is kind of ridiculous?”
Ichimatsu snapped his head up, straightening his spine from its slumped position. “Excuse me?”
“You’re always saying you get punished for good things happening, because of the whole balance of the universe...but isn’t it possible these things can just happen, with no reason?”
Ichimatsu scowled at that. “What do you mean? You know it’s true. Nothing in my life ever goes well without something bad happening to put me back in my place. That’s how the whole shitty universe works. It’s balance.”
“I just don’t think the universe is out to get you, like you keep insisting.” Jyushimatsu sounded a little less patient this time, after hearing Ichimatsu’s snappy tone. “Why can’t you accept bad things happen and there’s nothing that can be done about it but deal with it?”
Ichimatsu clenched his hands into fists. “Because unlike you, I can’t see the world as all sunshine and rainbows—bad stuff does happen, and it sucks, and it ruins the good things. Because it’s supposed to.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way! And it’s not all sunshine and rainbows for me!” Jyushimatsu exclaimed, jumping to his feet and glaring down at Ichimatsu. His smile had quickly been replaced by a frown. “But it’s nicer trying to be happy than be a doll of darkness and think everything is out to destroy my day!”
Ichimatsu balked at that—Jyushimatsu had never called him that before, even when the others had. He squinted angrily at Jyushimatsu, suddenly seething, though the rage was mingled with just a little hurt.
“I had a bad day, Jyushimatsu—I don’t need to deal with this shit if you aren’t going to try and help me.”
“I did try, but you didn’t listen!”
“No, you didn't listen!”
Before either of them realized what was happening, they were screaming at each other, spouting off accusations—Ichimatsu blaming Jyushimatsu for not being sensitive enough, and Jyushimatsu arguing that Ichimatsu was too pessimistic for anyone’s good. It was hard to focus on who was saying what and why after awhile, their heated voices overlapping each other’s and becoming louder until Osomatsu and Karamatsu finally showed up to check in and intervene.
The older brothers tried to ask what was going on, but Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu couldn’t explain without starting to yell at each other again, prompting Osomatsu and Karamatsu to split them up and each try to calm them down. Somehow Osomatsu managed to get Ichimatsu to breathe normally and stop feeling like he was going to boil over with his anger...but just barely.
Inside, Ichimatsu was a shaky, confused mess. He and Jyushimatsu hadn’t had a fight like this in ages, since they were kids. And although part of him wanted to try patching things up right away, just to get rid of this weird feeling pressing down on his chest, another part of him still fumed. Jyushimatsu had said some terrible things too, things that were unwarranted when all Ichimatsu needed was some comfort. And Ichimatsu refused to be the first to apologize.
Jyushimatsu hated arguing just as much as he did. Surely, he’d be back any second to make amends.
But he wasn’t. Instead the two brothers didn’t see each other again until dinnertime, and they wouldn’t look in each other’s directions or speak to each other once during the meal. At bedtime they didn’t say goodnight to each other, and for once were glad they slept on opposite ends of the futon.
The other brothers noticed the rift between them, how cold they acted around each other, and it was unsettling to them. No one knew how to fix it, and figured they’d work it out on their own, they way they always had with their fights.
But it was hard for everyone to see the two brothers, the closest friends ever, not speaking to each other.
—————
Days wore on. Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu continued to avoid each other, and act distant when they were in the same room together, barely acknowledging each other’s existence. The other brothers became more concerned, and tried to get them to speak, but neither would budge.
Ichimatsu didn’t know why it had to be so hard, or why he didn’t want to talk to Jyushimatsu first. It wasn’t that he liked being in the middle of a fight with him—he hated it, it made him feel sick inside. But he still wanted Jyushimatsu to approach him first.
At least, he thought he did. Truth be told, after having some time to cool down, Ichimatsu realized he had said some nasty things too. And he had to admit he didn’t think Jyushimatsu would ever intentionally hurt his feelings either. Still...he didn’t know how to talk to Jyushimatsu now, what to say to make things better. So he didn’t, even though it felt awful.
One afternoon Ichimatsu sat on the back porch, thinking, trying to come up with a way to fix everything. He was so lost in thought he didn’t notice anyone joining him.
“Ichimatsu?”
Ichimatsu jumped at the sound of Jyushimatsu’s voice. “Jyushi, I—“ he began, still not sure what he was saying, but when he turned around to face his brother he stopped short and could only gaze in astonishment at him.
Jyushimatsu stood there, cradling a cat in his arms—a familiar ginger-colored cat. Momo.
“Look who I found in the park,” Jyushimatsu said quietly, with a little smile. “She was following me home. I think maybe she thought I was you.”
“M-Momo….!” Ichimatsu stood up quickly, and Jyushimatsu carefully transferred the cat from his arms to his brother’s. Ichimatsu cradled her close, gently stroking her fur, and she purred and nuzzled herself against his neck. “I thought you were gone…”
“She must’ve got a little lost,” Jyushimatsu said. “But look, she came back to you! She didn’t want to stay away…” His voice trailed off, and became softer as he added, “And uh...neither do I.”
Ichimatsu peered up at his brother, momentarily distracted from the excitement of his cat returning. “I guess we should talk.”
“Ichimatsu-niisan...I’m sorry I said what I did, about your punishment theory being stupid...I could’ve been a lot nicer about it. I just didn’t want to see you beat yourself up and think you don’t deserve to have good things happen to you without bad things happening too. Life can be happy sometimes, if you let it be.”
“I know...I guess that’s just hard for me to believe.” Ichimatsu glanced down at Momo, then back up at Jyushimatsu. “I’m sorry, too. I never should’ve said you didn’t understand because you’re happy all the time...I know you’re not, it’s just easier for you to see the bright side, which is a good thing.”
Jyushimatsu peered at Ichimatsu hopefully. “Does that mean everything’s okay again?”
“Yeah...I mean, if you’ll forgive me.” Ichimatsu gave him the smallest smile, which Jyushimatsu returned wholeheartedly.
Momo purred loudly then, as if to chime in and say she was happy with this turn of events too. Jyushimatsu reached out and gently petted her head.
“You know...you say there’s a balance in the universe, that there has to be bad stuff to balance out the good stuff. That you have to be punished if too many good things happen at once,” Jyushimatsu noted suddenly. “But maybe...maybe the opposite is true, too. Bad things can be rewarded with good things. Momo disappeared, and we had a fight...but now, she’s back, and we made up.” He beamed at Ichimatsu. “That’s balance too, isn’t it?”
Ichimatsu considered this--maybe Jyushimatsu had a point. It was so easy to constantly focus on the bad, rather than the reverse of that. But it made sense, didn’t it…? After all, here they were, all together and getting along again. Ichimatsu couldn’t have asked for anything better than that.
“I think you’re right, Jyushimatsu.”
Maybe the universe wasn’t always so cruel, after all.
Totty remembers the childhood where he and Karamatsu used to be inseparable, and with the passing years growing apart, he cannot help but think this is his Own fault.
Here we go--some good Zaimoku angst, hope you like it!
What happened between us…?
Todomatsu wasn’t sure why this unexpected thought popped into his head at this precise moment, but it did, and once it latched onto his mind he couldn’t easily shake it.
He was sitting on the living room couch, scrolling through his phone, and Karamatsu sat at the table, painstakingly sewing sparkly blue sequins to a tank top--an eyesore in the making, but Todomatsu opted not to comment on it. Neither of them were speaking to each other, not out of malice, but simply because they were absorbed in their own activities.
Still...for some reason, the silence between them was noticeable to Todomatsu today, as he watched Karamatsu sewing and humming quietly to himself, a content smile on his face. He seemed perfectly happy to do his own thing. Todomatsu had been too, for the most part, until he’d really started thinking about it.
Years ago, Karamatsu and Todomatsu had been an inseparable duo. As kids, when the brothers would often pair off two-by-two, they’d always pick each other, and were happy about that. They played together, they pulled pranks on the other brothers together, and they talked together all the time. At the playground, they would climb on the jungle gym and pretend to be explorers, making up games that only they were a part of, and late at night they’d sneak snacks from the kitchen to satisfy their sweet tooths (they never got caught, and they never shared with the other brothers either).
They stuck together like glue all through grade school, and middle school. By high school, things started to change, as they did for all of the brothers. This was the time they started to develop their own personalities, their own sets of interests that drove them slightly apart despite still being under the same roof. Karamatsu, shy and meek though he was, signed up for drama club. Todomatsu, who had no interest in such topics as plays and props and costumes, topics that were of endless entertainment to Karamatsu now, didn’t pay much attention to it and instead focused on having fun with friends. It wasn’t that Karamatsu getting involved in theater and Todomatsu getting involved with a new group caused a rift to open between them, but they found they had less in common to talk about now, and their interactions became more mingled with those of the other brothers’ when they were together. Time together, just the two of them, became more infrequent as high school wore on.
And now...here they were, two grown men as different as could be, sitting in the same room and not speaking a word to each other—even though the opportunity to be alone together in the past would’ve resulted in scheming and planning and joking around.
When was the last time we really talked? Todomatsu wondered. When was the last time we hung out, one-on-one?
It had been a long time, he knew that much. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d gone fishing, the one real bonding activity they had anymore. The truth was, Todomatsu spent more time with his friends than anything else lately, and Karamatsu devoted more time to his own hobbies.
It wasn’t that Todomatsu didn’t like being around Karamatsu anymore...but he had to admit, he didn’t actively seek his company much, either. He often deemed Karamatsu’s style, hobbies, and mannerisms too embarrassing to expose his friends to, and kept them as far apart as he possibly could. Not that he didn’t feel that way about his other brothers as well, but Karamatsu...well, he was Karamatsu. But suddenly, thinking of that made Todomatsu’s stomach knot up guiltily.
That’s kind of twisted, isn’t it, being ashamed of my own brother…? Pushing him away so he doesn’t humiliate me in front of my friends...it’s not like he’d do it on purpose, but then again, I never gave him much of a chance to even do that.
A realization sunk in with him then, one that made him instantly remorseful. All this time, he’d been distancing himself from his brothers to make himself look more cool, and had thought Karamatsu with his painful fashion and lame attempts at English was one of the worst of them…
….but maybe, by rejecting his brother the way he was, Todomatsu was the one who had missed out here.
...I’m the reason we aren’t close anymore, aren’t I? Because I valued other people’s opinions too much, so I let that get in the way of my relationship with Karamatsu. If I hadn’t been such an ass to him anymore, telling him his style is shitty and that I didn’t want to hang out with him, we’d still be as close as before, wouldn’t we?
He tried to rationalize this, tried to tell himself they’d all grown apart and it wasn’t just him and Karamatsu. But when he thought about it...Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu were as close now as they had been when they were little, if not closer, and despite their constant fighting it was clear Osomatsu and Choromatsu were still each other’s best friends. Only Karamatsu and Todomatsu seemed more distant than they’d ever been before.
And Todomatsu now strongly suspected it was his fault.
Todomatsu’s grip on his phone tightened, and he drew in a deep breath. Guilt ate away at him suddenly, that awful feeling of doing something wrong and not knowing if he’d be able to reverse it.
I don’t want to lose my friendship with Karamatsu. Even if he’s...the way he is...he’s still my brother, and I care about him. I don’t want to not have him anymore...I don’t want to be alone...is it too late to fix this?
“Todomatsu?” Karamatsu’s voice suddenly breaking the silence startled Todomatsu, and he jerked his head up to look at his brother. “Are you alright, brother? You look upset about something.”
“Yeah...I’m fine.” Todomatsu wasn’t sure what to say. He couldn’t just outright admit what had been on his mind, could he?
“Ah...if you say so.” Karamatsu didn’t sound entirely convinced, but he knew better than to press Todomatsu for details.
Todomatsu kept quiet for another moment, watching Karamatsu out of the corner of his eye as he returned to his sewing project. Then he spoke up again, unsurely. “Karamatsu?”
“Yes?” Karamatsu peered up from his craft again.
“Um...do you want to go fishing tomorrow? Just the two of us?”
Karamatsu couldn’t quite hide his surprise, his eyes widening at the suggestion. “It’s been a long time since we’ve done that.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought too. So...are you in?” Todomatsu asked hopefully.
Karamatsu smiled, but there was a hint of regret to it. “I would be honored to join you, my dear youngest brother, but alas, I can’t. I’ve already made plans with Osomatsu and Choromatsu. Ah, unless you’d like to come along…?”
Todomatsu’s heart sank. “...Okay. That’s fine, you guys just keep your plans. I’ll probably get together with some friends or something instead.”
“Alright...well, perhaps another time.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
They lapsed into silence again, and Karamatsu resumed humming. Todomatsu didn’t bother trying to say anything else. There wasn’t anything he could think of to say, anyway. Inside, he felt hollow and sad.
He tried to tell himself this was just one day and not to get upset over it, but no...it wasn’t just one day, it had been several, days where he’d rejected Karamatsu in favor of something he thought was better, days where he’d even wished Karamatsu wasn’t even his brother. What kind of horrible person even thought that?
I ruined it...I’m the one who ruined my relationship with Karamatsu. He’s got other brothers who actually want to spend time with him, not me anymore. I blew it, it’s my fault.
He sighed silently, turning in his seat so he could face the window and gaze outside, away from Karamatsu.
I wonder if it’s too late to change things...or if Karamatsu even cares. He’s probably better off without me anyway.
Headcanon where Choromatsu is mourning for weeks because of his middle-aged friend who unfortunately passed away of heart disease.
Ooooh this one was so sad but I also liked writing this one, I really hope you enjoy it!
For a bit of background, I imagine this taking place in sort of a timeline where Choro starts working at an office, but still lives at home for the time being.
WARNING for heavy discussion of death under the cut:
Tanaka Jiro was only fifty years old when he passed away.
His death had come as a shock to all of his coworkers, and understandably so--he was still young, and had always seemed so vibrant and healthy to those around him, always smiling and working hard. The cause had been determined rather quickly, and came as another shocking blow when it was revealed he had heart disease, his condition going largely untreated. He should’ve been taking it easy, but he hadn’t heeded his doctor’s suggestion. Work had been more important to him.
The funeral had been held the weekend after his death. He had been very well-respected and well-loved, and so had been honored greatly. He would be remembered always. But as weeks passed, everyone in the company slowly returned to normal--it wasn’t that they no longer cared, but it was necessary to go back to work. Life had to continue, hard as it was.
And for some people, it was much harder than it was for others.
Choromatsu had only been working at the company for a few months, but he’d quickly become close friends with Tanaka. Their desks had been next to each other’s in the department, and Tanaka had gone out of his way to make sure Choromatsu felt welcome at the company and helped through the rocky transition of his first few days there. They had chatted, made jokes, and commiserated with each other through the day, which made the workload far more bearable. Most days they ate lunch together, sometimes with other people in the department and sometimes on their own, and some nights after work they’d go get drinks together.
In Choromatsu’s eyes, Tanaka was far wiser and more experienced than him, not only at work but in life. He was married, and he had a child, a son in high school--a family, one to call his own, something Choromatsu had often dreamed of having but never thought he could attain. But the closer they became, the more hope Tanaka instilled in Choromatsu about his own future. According to him, Tanaka had been much like Choromatsu when he was young, getting a later start in his career than his peers and not quite knowing where to begin. But he’d turned his life around, becoming a diligent worker as well as a dedicated husband and father.
He was everything Choromatsu aspired to be, but more than that, he was a good friend--someone Choromatsu felt comfortable talking to about his hopes and dreams, his vents and his fears, or just sharing a beer and a good laugh after a long workday. Oftentimes, getting to talk to him was the best part of Choromatsu’s day, no matter how much work he had piled up or how tired he was, because at least they could watch out for each other.
And now...he was gone.
When Choromatsu had found out, he’d been devastated. It was as if his mind couldn’t process it had truly happened. He remembered going to the funeral, he remembered crying, he remembered listening to others sharing their stories about Tanaka...but it all felt surreal, as if he could’ve dreamed about it. When he went back to work, a hollow ache rose in his chest at the sight of Tanaka’s empty desk next to his. On the day that a new employee started at the company and took Tanaka’s old desk, Choromatsu had spent his lunch break hiding in a bathroom stall, feeling too ill to eat but too numb to cry.
Weeks passed. Choromatsu struggled. He went to work and ran practically on autopilot, robotically carrying out his tasks. He went back home and didn’t say much, letting his brothers dominate the conversation. He couldn’t figure out why it was so hard for him to start feeling normal again. No one else at work seemed to be having as hard a time as him, but then again, he’d barely spoken to anyone else at work. He simply wasn’t close enough to them to feel comfortable opening up.
One evening he was sitting on the back porch, watching the sun set. It was something he hadn’t done in awhile--lately when he got home from work, it was either after the sun had already gone down, or he was too swamped with work assignments he’d had to bring home in order to finish them all on time. He tried to enjoy it, but his mind wandered.
“Hi, dear.”
Choromatsu glanced up to find his mother standing on the porch now, gazing down at him. “Hi, Mom.”
“Mind if I join you?”
Choromatsu shrugged slightly. “Sure. Go ahead.”
Matsuyo settled down beside Choromatsu on the porch, and at first neither of them said anything as they watched the sun dip lower and lower in the distance, the sky darkening. Stars were beginning to emerge, little specks of silvery light far out of reach.
Matsuyo was the one to break the silence. “Dear...we’ve been worried about you. You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. You’ve been working so much, and not eating a lot either.”
Choromatsu kept his gaze forward, though he wasn’t really focusing on the sunset now. “I guess I haven’t really felt like myself lately,” he confided quietly.
“If you want to talk about it, I’m here,” Matsuyo said gently. “You don’t have to go through this all alone. You might feel better if you talked about it.”
Choromatsu knew she was right, but it was hard to sort out his emotions. “I just...I’m not really sure why it’s so hard to move on. No one else at work seems to be feeling this bad, so why is it hitting me so hard?”
“You don’t know that for sure, Choromatsu--everyone mourns differently, and don’t always show it. From what I’ve heard Tanaka was a wonderful person. I’m sure he had many friends at the company who miss him and wish he were still with them. They may just cope with the pain differently than you.”
“Yeah...I guess so.” Choromatsu inhaled and then exhaled slowly. “I didn’t even know him all that long, though--not as long as other people who worked there. I’ve only been there a few months.”
“True, but it doesn’t always take long to establish a strong connection with someone,” Matsuyo reminded him. “You became close friends with him quickly. Friends can mean just as much to a person as family--they can be like family, even--so when we lose them, it’s painful. What you’re feeling is natural.”
Choromatsu fell silent for a moment. What his mother said made sense, but it didn’t lessen that dull ache in his chest that had been present for the past few weeks.
“And maybe,” Matsuyo continued, “it’s possible that you’re a little scared now, too.”
Choromatsu glanced up at her, confused. “Scared…?” he repeated uncertainly. “What makes you say that?”
“There are a couple of reasons. For one thing, this is the first time you’ve ever truly been affected by the death of someone close to you, so it’s understandable it makes you think about mortality, how fleeting life can be. And another...you told me that you really looked up to Tanaka, that he was someone you aspire to be like, the reason you’ve been working so hard and dedicating yourself to the company. But now you’ve seen first-hand what overwork can do to a person. Maybe you’re a bit worried the same could happen to you.”
“I...I don’t know…” Choromatsu sighed, his breath wavering a little. “I guess…that sort of has been on my mind lately, too. It’s really scary to think how one day you could be talking to someone, same as always, making plans to get together later in the week, and then the next day he’s just…” His breath hitched in his throat, tearing welling up in his eyes as he croaked out the rest, “...g-gone. And it makes you think how one day...one day, it could be you. I don’t want that to be me, I don’t w-want to die suddenly one day because I didn’t take care of myself...and I w-wish Tanaka had taken care of himself, because maybe he’d still be h-here…”
At this point his voice was shaking and his tears were threatening to spill over. Matsuyo rested a hand comfortingly on his shoulder and waited as he struggled to compose himself, sniffling and rubbing at his eyes.
“You know,” Matsuyo began, after a moment, “I think it’s very admirable of you to want to be like Tanaka, to have goals for the future. I think that is a wonderful way to honor him. But you can change things--you can take care of yourself, know your limits. I think you would make Tanaka very proud.”
That nearly brought Choromatsu to tears again, but he managed to keep himself together. He knew he’d cry over this again, he knew it would take him time to heal—and that was normal. But somehow, hearing his mother voice his concerns and remind him he could do things differently made him feel just a little better.
“Thanks, Mom,” he finally said, his voice hoarse. It was hard to smile, but he managed to turn the corner of his mouth up just a little.
“You’re welcome, dear.” Matsuyo leaned in and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, and he rested his head against her. “Just remember, you’re not alone in this. Your family is here for you.” Choromatsu had known this all along, of course, but it was nice to be told again.
Together, the two of them watched the sun disappear from sight, the world blanketed in the almost comforting darkness of night. The stars shone, looking especially breathtaking, or maybe it just seemed that way to Choromatsu.
He knew he’d always miss Tanaka. He’d been a good friend, and a good influence. He knew many other people would miss him as well—maybe he should reach out to them, too, so they wouldn’t feel alone in this either.
And he hoped that maybe—just maybe—a small part of Tanaka would live on in him, for the rest of his days.
Scenario where Choromatsu had a minor accident with razor blade in the morning and lchimatsu mistaken this with self-harm, thus becoming overprotective of Choro all day
Here we go--some good Nenchuu content coming right up!
WARNING for mentions of cutting (non-graphic) and depression under the cut:
I’m such a klutz.
Choromatsu pressed a wet washcloth to his wrist, wincing at the sting of pain as the soapy water touched the cut there. He applied pressure for a minute, but when he peeled the cloth away again, the wound was still bleeding. He groaned inwardly.
How could I be stupid enough to cut myself with a razor BEFORE I even started shaving…?!
It had been a complete accident. Choromatsu had picked up the razor, but it had slipped from his grasp and he’d juggled with it in a feeble attempt to keep it from hitting the floor. In the process, the blade had ended up slicing his wrist, leaving a cut that wasn’t deep enough to cause concern for stitches but still considerably bad. The razor sat at the edge of the sink as he attempted to clean himself up.
Just then, the door to the bathroom opened unexpectedly. Choromatsu jumped, his gaze snapping up to whoever had just walked in on him. Not that it was a major deal--he’d simply forgotten to lock the door and had been taken off-guard. Still, he would’ve thought they’d knock first.
Ichimatsu stood there, looking just as taken-aback as Choromatsu had been. Apparently, he hadn’t expected the bathroom to be occupied.
“Oh...Ichi, it’s just you.” Choromatsu pulled his hands to his chest, still gripping the washcloth to his wrist. “You scared me.”
Ichimatsu didn’t say anything for a few seconds, just blinked. His expression, flat as it was, was hard to read...though it seemed as if his eyes were shifting questioningly from the razor on the counter to Choromatsu.
“I cut myself with the razor,” Choromatsu said, by way of explanation. “It...sort of fell from my grasp.”
“Ah.” Ichimatsu’s monosyllabic response portrayed no real emotion, though something seemed to flicker in his eyes that Choromatsu couldn’t decipher, and he frowned. “Are you okay…?”
“Mhmm. Just cleaning it up, no big deal. Do you need the bathroom? I can let you go first, if you want.”
“I’m good. Just...don’t take too long. Sorry I walked in on you.” With that Ichimatsu retreated, leaving the door open in his wake.
Well...that was weird.
Something about that interaction had definitely seemed off, but Choromatsu couldn’t quite pinpoint what. If he had to say, Ichimatsu had seemed almost...scared? As if he didn’t know what to say to Choromatsu, like he’d done something worse than accidentally injure himself, which he’d done so often before due to his clumsiness that it came as no shock to anyone else.
It’s probably nothing. Choromatsu tried to wave the incident off as nothing more than an awkward encounter. It wasn’t like they hadn’t had countless ones before. Ichimatsu was probably just surprised he was there, that must have been it.
With that, Choromatsu pushed the incident out of his mind and went back to nursing his wound.
—————
A couple hours later, Choromatsu sat with his brothers at the table as they devoured their lunch. He was in his usual spot between Karamatsu and Ichimatsu, and everything seemed normal at first...for the most part.
As they ate, Choromatsu noticed that Ichimatsu seemed to be paying a lot more attention to him than usual, as if he were closely monitoring everything he said and did. He wasn’t sure why, but what he did know was that it was unnerving, and made him wonder if maybe he’d done something to incur Ichimatsu’s wrath lately. If he was calculating his plan for revenge or something like that, it would make sense, but he couldn’t think of anything he’d done to warrant that.
At one point, Choromatsu caught Ichimatsu watching him extra closely as he reached across the table for the bottle of soy sauce. Specifically, Ichimatsu was staring at his wrist. Choromatsu glanced down, noting that the sleeve of his hoodie had been pushed up slightly, revealing the bandage on his wrist. Almost self-consciously, he rolled his sleeve down again, and Ichimatsu quickly turned his gaze away. No one else seemed to notice, but it left Choromatsu with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach.
What’s up with Ichi…? Why does he keep watching me like that? Does this have to do with what happened earlier, or was that really a big deal…?
Choromatsu’s internal questioning was interrupted by Osomatsu. “Oi, Choro, are you even listening?”
“Wha-?” Choromatsu snapped to attention, startled. He noticed, out of the corner of his eye, Ichimatsu observing him once more, but he tried to ignore it. “Sorry, what did you say, Oso?”
“I was asking if you could loan me some money?” Osomatsu clasped his hands together pleadingly and gave him his most endearing smile, which wasn’t all that charming. “The others already said no, but I need it for the horse races. I’ll pay you back once I win!”
“As if. You hardly ever win.” Choromatsu rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I’m not giving you anything.”
“Oh, c’mon! What’re you going to use it for that’s so much better, anyway? More dumb idol merch?”
“What I choose to use my money for is my business and my decision, not yours,” Choromatsu responded curtly.
“Oh, whatever,” Osomatsu groused, glaring disdainfully at Choromatsu. “It’s not like it’s your own money anyway, is it, since you don’t have a job—“
“Hey.” Suddenly Ichimatsu spoke up, shooting a sharp glare in Osomatsu’s direction. “Don’t say that. It’s his money, he doesn’t owe you anything. And don’t you shit-talk him either just because you’re pissed.”
The other brothers could only look at Ichimatsu in astonishment. It wasn’t like him to speak up in defense of another brother, or at least not frequently...especially when it was over something petty like this. He preferred to avoid confrontation. Choromatsu tried to catch Ichimatsu’s gaze this time, but now the fourth son’s focus was entirely on Osomatsu, scowling at him with a piercing glare.
Osomatsu blinked, intimidated. “Well...damn. Okay, I guess I won’t, then. Sorry.”
“Tell Choro you’re sorry.” Ichimatsu’s cold, deadpan tone left no room for argument.
Osomatsu gulped, then turned to Choromatsu. “Uh...I’m sorry.”
Choromatsu only nodded slightly in acknowledgement, admittedly shaken by what Ichimatsu had just done. Why’d he come to his defense so suddenly, and been so hard on Osomatsu…? Granted, the oldest deserved it sometimes, but it wasn’t as if this had been anything new. And now everyone was staring not only at Ichimatsu, but at Choromatsu, which made him feel incredibly uneasy.
It was obvious something was definitely up with Ichimatsu. But now Choromatsu only had more questions than answers.
—————
That afternoon, the brothers went out—Osomatsu to the horse races with money he managed to scrape up from somewhere, Karamatsu to the park, Jyushimatsu to play baseball, and Todomatsu to meet with friends. Choromatsu decided to stay in so he could read, and Ichimatsu opted to stay home too, which surprised Choromatsu. Normally he’d join Jyushimatsu and help him practice, but today he showed no interest, staying firmly rooted to his spot on the couch.
Choromatsu knew he should find that suspicious, and that anxious feeling in his stomach returned. Now that they were alone, maybe he’d finally find out what was up, though he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
At first they sat silently in the living room, minding their own business, Choromatsu pretending to read and Ichimatsu listlessly playing with his cat. For a few minutes, Choromatsu thought maybe the afternoon would pass uneventfully, that he’d imagined everything from before. But Ichimatsu seemed unsettled, like there was something bothering him and he was trying to work up the nerve to say what. Choromatsu knew better than to ask outright, and waited pensively.
At last, Ichimatsu spoke up, hesitantly. “Choromatsu-niisan...about this morning.”
“Hm?” Ichimatsu hardly ever called him nii-san, and for some reason it set Choromatsu on edge. “What about it, Ichi?”
“Um...well.” Ichimatsu didn’t seem to know how to ask. “You said you cut yourself on that razor. You said it was an accident. But...was it really an accident?”
Choromatsu furrowed his eyebrows, not quite following.
“I mean,” Ichimatsu mumbled, barely able to meet Choromatsu’s gaze, “were you...you know...cutting yourself?”
Choromatsu’s eyes widened in shock. That’s what Ichimatsu thought he was doing? This was why he’d been acting so strange all day? “No. No, I definitely wasn’t...it was a total accident, I swear.”
“Are you sure?” Ichimatsu asked, and when he finally lifted his gaze to meet Choromatsu’s there was undeniable worry in his eyes. “Because if you were, I won’t judge you. I promise. I won’t even tell anyone else if you don’t want. Just...please, tell me the truth.”
“Ichi...I swear, it is the truth,” Choromatsu responded earnestly, though his heart was now racing. This had taken an unexpected turn, and he wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. “The razor fell, and I hurt myself trying to grab it, that’s all. I can show you if you want.”
Ichimatsu didn’t say anything for a moment, wringing his hands nervously. His cat curled up next to him and mewed, as if sensing something was up.
Choromatsu thought for a minute, before finally asking, “Why would you think I was cutting myself...?”
There was a long pause before Ichimatsu finally spoke again, slowly. “Because...because I know you’re going through a lot, mentally. I know your anxiety is bad, that you worry about not having a job and being worthless...and that takes its toll. It makes you want a release sometimes, something that’s in your control. Only...it’s not, not really, but it feels like it is, at first.”
It took Choromatsu a moment to process precisely what Ichimatsu had said, but once he had, his heart sank and he felt sick. Panic swelled in his chest as he asked, “Ichi, how do you know this…? Do you mean you…?” He couldn’t say the words.
Heat rose in Ichimatsu’s face--Choromatsu could see his cheeks and ears growing bright red. “I...used to. I only did it a couple of times, back when my depression was at its worst. But Jyushi caught me. I asked him not to tell anyone, and he swore he wouldn’t, but he made me promise not to do it again and to tell him whenever I felt like doing it so he could get my mind on something else.” He breathed in deeply, and let it out slowly. “Sometimes that urge is still there, but...it’s gotten better, because I don’t really want to hurt myself. But the feeling is an awful one, so when I thought that you...that you were doing it too, I was worried. I didn’t want you to feel like that.”
“Ichi...I’m so sorry you went through that,” Choromatsu said plaintively, guilt and worry suddenly eating away at him. “I feel awful...none of us had any idea…”
“I didn’t want any of you to know,” Ichimatsu reminded him. “It just...felt easier to do this than to tell you how bad I felt sometimes. And they were really small cuts, so it’s not like you would’ve noticed unless you were looking for them on me…” Choromatsu noticed the way Ichimatsu absentmindedly tugged the sleeves of his hoodie well past his wrists as he spoke. “But...the reason I’m telling you this now is because I’d hate for you to ever turn to something like that to cope. And...if you ever do feel an urge like that, you can come to me, and I’ll help you.”
Ichimatsu’s tone was so sincere, so soft and not like his usual self. Choromatsu’s sudden concern for Ichimatsu made his heart ache, thinking about how much he must’ve been suffering to resort to something so drastic. But it meant a lot to Choromatsu that he’d opened up to him about something so painful, and that he cared enough about him to check and make sure he wasn’t hurting himself.
Choromatsu wished more than anything that he could’ve helped Ichimatsu from the start, before he felt the need to take such matters into his own hands...but at least he could start now.
“Thank you, Ichimatsu...and if you ever feel like that ever again, or even if you just feel like talking to someone no matter how you feel...I’m here for you, too.” Choromatsu gave him a small smile. “I promise I won’t tell anyone else...that is, unless you want to.”
“Maybe someday...yeah, one day I’ll tell the others. But let’s just keep it between us for now.” Ichimatsu managed the smallest smile, too. “Thanks for understanding.”
They didn’t do much else that afternoon. They didn’t talk much, but they didn’t go back to what they’d been doing either. Instead they sat quietly but comfortably in each other’s company. It was reassuring for both of them to know that no matter what happened, no matter how bad either of them was feeling, they now knew they had a support system they could lean on.
Everything wasn’t necessarily okay. But hopefully, in the future, they would be.
This request was inspired by your fanfic I Want to Be Okay. Choromatsu became addicted to the meds that were prescribed to help him with his anxiety.
Ooooh poor Choro….
This prompt is based loosely on the events of that fic, an alternate timeline if you want to consider it as such. I wasn’t comfortable making it too extreme so this is set sometime before it becomes a major problem. Hope you like this!
Please don’t hesitate to let me know if anything is depicted incorrectly.
WARNING for mentions of medication dependency and possible signs of addiction under the cut:
This request was inspired by your fanfic I Want to Be Okay. Choromatsu became addicted to the meds that were prescribed to help him with his anxiety.
Ooooh poor Choro….
This prompt is based loosely on the events of that fic, an alternate timeline if you want to consider it as such. I wasn’t comfortable making it too extreme so this is set sometime before it becomes a major problem. Hope you like this!
Please don’t hesitate to let me know if anything is depicted incorrectly.
WARNING for mentions of medication dependency and possible signs of addiction under the cut:
It was the middle of the night. The Matsuno household was quiet, everyone having fallen asleep a couple of hours ago. The sextuplets were tucked snuggly into their futon, dozing away peacefully.
All but one of them.
Choromatsu lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, wringing his hands. All around him he could hear his brothers breathing softly, some of them snoring, a sign that none of them were aware he’d yet to drift off.
It had been like that for the last several nights. The last several weeks, if he were being perfectly honest with himself.
Why can’t I sleep? I’d been doing so good…what happened?
It was true. Months ago, Choromatsu had spent his nights tossing and turning, unable to shut off the never-ending stream of anxious thoughts that never failed to rob him of sleep. Those thoughts didn’t only bother him at night, either. They invaded his mind throughout the day, creeping in any time his mind was idle, stealing away any sense of peace he might have had and making him miserable. It reached a point where he was having panic attacks, and he’d finally been forced to admit he was dealing with something he couldn’t handle on his own.
He finally went to a doctor, and was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It had been both terrifying and a relief to finally have a name for what had been going on with him. The doctor had also given him a prescription for a medication to help him manage it, which he’d finally started taking with reluctance. The dosage was reasonable–one pill every day, and an additional one if he felt like his anxiety was spiking for any reason. Ever since he finally started taking steps to control his mental state, he’d been feeling better, and sleeping much easier.
Except for now. Now, he felt as if he’d fallen backwards, landing back where he’d started months ago. He hated it.
He’d felt like this for the past several weeks, and not just where sleeping was concerned. Lately, it seemed as if his anxiety was getting worse again, for no reason. His thoughts would stray, wandering into unwanted territory–thoughts that he was wasting his life away, that he should have a job by now, that’d he never find success as he so desperately wanted. His heart would skip a beat, his breath hitching in his throat, and before he knew it he’d be reaching for his bottle of medication, just to pop an extra pill and quell these awful feelings for awhile.
He’d been taking more pills than usual lately. Before, he’d stuck to one a day, and it had been enough. Now, taking only one to get him through the entire day seemed like a joke.
Choromatsu thought about his pills now, sitting in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He thought about getting up and taking one, right now. That had become his routine lately, the only thing that could help him fall asleep.
No, I shouldn’t…I’ll run out fast, and what if they don’t give me more? I need them…
He kept wringing his hands, twisting them around and around, still unable to close his eyes. He wanted so badly to sleep, to just pop another pill and be done with it. But he didn’t want to risk his prescription running out. If it did, what would he do then? He had to have them to get by. Not having them wasn’t an option for him.
The thought of not having them anymore made his heart skip a beat, his chest tightening suddenly.
The pills beckoned to him again.
No. I can’t…
But I want to sleep…
His heart pounded. It was suddenly getting harder to breathe, and he tugged at his pajama top, feeling inexplicably stifled. Was he having an anxiety attack?!
I need my pills…
No, I can’t…!
But…!!
I can’t keep doing this…!
Choromatsu gasped, sitting bolt upright in bed. His heart raced, his palms breaking out in a cold sweat as he gripped his blanket. Suddenly the thought of not taking his pills was unbearable. He needed them, now.
Quickly he crawled out of bed, trying not to disturb the others as he did so. Once he’d tiptoed out of their room he sprinted down the hall toward the bathroom, his panic increasing with each step.
He flipped the switch, flooding the small bathroom with light, and flung open the door to the medicine cabinet with reckless abandon. His urgency multiplied as he rifled through the pill bottles with trembling hands, searching for his medication.
Where are they, where are they?! I NEED them..!!
Finally he located them, somehow shoved behind a couple bottles of aspirin. He grabbed them, relief flooding through his system, only for panic to seize him once more. Oh no! He was running low! His supply was supposed to last him to the end of the month, but he only had enough here to last him maybe another week if he was sparing. How had this happened?! He couldn’t last without them…!
Choromatsu tried not to think about that as he slammed the medicine cabinet shut again and struggled frantically to twist off the cap of the pill bottle. Once he took one, he’d be fine again. He’d be okay. He’d be the way he was supposed to be.
Come on, come ON! Open already…!
At last the cap popped off, and he hastily shook a pill into his hand. He then grabbed a paper cup from the edge of the sink to fill with water, but as he did so he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Hesitantly, he glanced up, making himself look at his reflection.
He didn’t like what he saw. He saw himself, but not the version of himself he was happy with. He could see bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, the paleness of his skin, quiver of his hands, the silent desperation in his eyes. The bottle of pills he held tight in his grip.
He swallowed hard and blinked, watching his reflection blink back at him.
What’s…what’s going on with me?
He suddenly flashed back to that day months ago, when he’d first been given these pills. He remembered how he didn’t want to take them at first, because he’d been terrified something bad would happen. That he’d become dependent on them, addicted. But as time wore on he’d stopped thinking so much about that, taking his medication every day. Then taking them more often, when his thoughts began to spiral…because it was just so easy to, as if they were a cure-all, an escape from all his problems. It had been that simple to rely on them once he’d started taking them, rely so much that sometimes it felt like the only thing anchoring him.
Oh no.
The pill bottle slipped from his hand, clattering to the floor. Luckily he’d already put the cap back on so none of them spilled out, but he didn’t even notice that. His thoughts were racing too much for that to matter.
Has it happened to me? Have I become so dependent on my pills that stopped even thinking about it?
Am…am I addicted to them?
The thought that his own worst fear might now have come true was a lot to take in, and suddenly he found himself slumping to the floor, on his knees, his arms wrapped around himself. His breaths were shallow, tears pooling in his eyes.
I…I am, aren’t I? I let them take control of me, just so anxiety wouldn’t…oh no, oh no…
His breath caught in his throat, and a few tears rolled down his cheeks…and suddenly he was crying, burying his face in his hands, shoulders quaking with sobs.
This was it. This had been his fear, his nightmare. He didn’t want to rely on medication to make him okay, but that’s what was happening. He didn’t want this, didn’t want to be this way…
He needed help.
“Choro…?”
Choromatsu looked up, tears blurring his vision, to find Osomatsu suddenly standing in the doorway. He knelt next to Choromatsu, his expression concerned and alarmed all at once.
“Choro, what’s wrong? I heard you crying…are you sick?” Osomatsu asked quietly. His gaze wandered to the pill bottle on the floor next to Choromatsu, and his worry heightened. “What’s going on, were you having an anxiety attack…?”
“O-Osomatsu…I…I think…” Choromatsu blubbered, then dissolved into a round of fresh tears as he suddenly clung to his brother, tightly clutching Osomatsu’s pajama top as he bawled. “I th-think I have a problem…I think I’m g-getting too dependent on my m-meds…I…”
He couldn’t bring himself to say anything more, but Osomatsu was quick to catch on. He wrapped his arms securely around Choromatsu and pulled him closer, a safe and comfortable embrace that Choromatsu definitely needed.
“It’s okay, Choro,” Osomatsu murmured reassuringly, lightly petting Choromatsu’s hair. “It’s okay…it’ll be okay. I promise.”
“B-but…this is what I was afraid of,” Choromatsu said, sniffling, his face pressed against his brother’s shoulder.
“I know…I was afraid, too,” Osomatsu confessed softly, still holding Choromatsu close. “But look, you can tell you have a problem. That’s a good thing, right? It means you’re aware, and it’s not too late to get help.”
Choromatsu inhaled a deep, shuddery breath. “C-can you help me, Oso…”
“Of course,” Osomatsu stated firmly. “I’ll help, however I can. And so will everyone else. You won’t have to go through this alone, Choro. We all have your back, we just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Being okay sounded a long way off to Choromatsu, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he just clung to Osomatsu, who simply let him and whispered kind reassurances to him. Eventually Choromatsu cried himself out to the point of exhaustion, and Osomatsu had to help him walk back to their room and tuck him into bed. Osomatsu even put an arm around him as he climbed into bed beside him, making Choromatsu feel safe and protected.
He was still scared. He didn’t know what would happen next, or how he’d get through this. He was sure it was going to be hard. But it was a great comfort to know he wouldn’t have to do it alone. And even if he had, he would’ve done it anyway, because he didn’t want to reach a point of no return.
All he wanted was to be himself again. All he wanted was to be okay.
How about Suiriku witness Osomatsu crying? They keep quiet about it until the next day they question him, of course Oso denies but later on he finally breaks down and vents about the stress of being the eldest and a lot more things! Suiriku comforting aniki! ;w; take your time!
Here we go, some good Animatsu hurt/comfort. I love these boys so much and I hope you enjoy this!
They hadn’t meant to stumble upon something they shouldn’t have. They never meant to intrude, even though they hadn’t been noticed. They were simply trying to track down Osomatsu to see if he wanted to join them for a trip to Chibita’s oden stand.
But the second Karamatsu and Choromatsu found Osomatsu in their shared bedroom, curled up in the corner and sobbing quietly to himself, they’d quickly retreated, fortunately undetected by the eldest. Instead of going out without him, they sat in the living room, shaken by what they’d seen and trying to figure out what to do next.
“He never cries...ever,” Choromatsu said with a worried frown. “But he seemed inconsolable...should we have approached him and asked what was up?”
“Non.” Karamatsu shook his head, but his expression mirrored Choromatsu’s apprehension. “He would’ve reacted badly had we done that, I guarantee it. Sometimes it’s best to just leave one be when they need a good cry. Still...I wonder what’s troubling him so much?”
“It has to be something pretty bad, don’t you think?” Choromatsu mused anxiously. “I feel wrong not doing anything. We need to do something. He’s clearly hurting.”
Karamatsu nodded slowly, thinking. “How about this...let’s watch him for the rest of the day to see if he says or does anything. Maybe he’ll approach us on his own, if it’s truly so bad.”
“You know as well as I do that he won’t,” Choromatsu pointed out, then sighed. “But, yeah...maybe it’s best to wait. But if he seems, well, down or anything...maybe we should try asking him what’s wrong.”
“I think that’s the wisest choice, brother,” Karamatsu agreed, even though he didn’t seem very happy about it either.
For the rest of the day, Karamatu and Choromatsu kept a close eye on Osomatsu. They didn’t tell the younger brothers what they’d seen, not yet, not until they found anything out. And no one seemed aware that the oldest brother was being so closely monitored. But it became very apparent to Karamatsu and Choromatsu that something wasn’t right with their big brother.
Osomatsu put on a cheerful face, but his smile looked forced, his voice strangely hollow even as he cracked jokes with the others. If the youngest trio noticed anything, they didn’t show it, but Karamatsu and Choromatsu knew better. They could see a hidden sadness in Osomatsu’s eyes, eyes that were dull instead of shining brightly as usual, and it broke their hearts even though they didn’t say it out loud. They kept exchanging furtive glances behind Osomatsu’s back the whole day, their worry multiplying.
Day passed into night, then faded into the next morning. There was no change the next day. If anything, Osomatsu seemed drained, listless, not really paying attention to anything and occupying himself with a manga, as if to avoid talking much to the others. His brothers would speak to him, and he’d respond appropriately enough, but it was clear he wasn’t himself.
Karamatsu and Choromatsu realized now that they had to do something. They couldn’t just sit idly by while their brother suffered in silence.
The perfect opportunity arose when the youngest three brothers decided to go to the park. Karamatsu and Choromatsu declined the invitation to join them, and the second they left they moved in on the oldest.
“Osomatsu?” Choromatsu spoke up first, hesitantly. “Can we talk to you about something?”
Osomatsu glanced first at Choromatsu, then Karamatsu. Right away he could sense something was up, and he was on the alert. “Sure,” he responded suspiciously, lowering his manga. “What’s up?”
“Well...we noticed that you haven’t seemed quite like yourself the last couple days,” Karamatsu ventured cautiously, choosing his words carefully. “And we were wondering if something was wrong.”
“Huh? What are you talking about? I’m acting like myself!” Osomatsu protested instantly, but there was something to his defensiveness that struck a chord with the immediate younger brothers. Something was definitely up.
“Oso, we can tell when you aren’t acting like yourself,” Choromatsu retorted. “We’re your brothers, it’s sort of in our nature. You’ve seemed really distant and, well...sad.”
Karamatsu nodded his agreement, frowning worriedly.
“Sad?” Osomatsu repeated, his voice oddly strained. “I’m not sad. Why would you think that?”
“Just that...you’ve not been as, let’s say, vivacious?” Karamatsu offered. “It seems an awful lot like something is on your mind, but you won’t tell us what. We can’t help you if you don’t tell us.”
Osomatsu hedged, biting at his lip, then quickly shook his head and flashed them a grin that now looked very fake. “Guys, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine. Definitely not sad or whatever you got in your head. I’m just kind of tired, I didn’t sleep much last night.”
Choromatsu cast a quick glance at Karamatsu, who returned the look. Osomatsu didn’t seem like he was going to cave anytime soon.
“Are you sure?” Karamatsu asked at last. “Because if something’s wrong, you should tell us. We’re here for you.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about me. I swear, I’m fine.” Osomatsu stood up then, ruffling Karamatsu’s hair affectionately, though his smile still didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I don’t want my cute little brothers getting upset over nothing.”
With that, he began walking out of the room, abandoning the conversation. Choromatsu didn’t want to just sit by and let that happen...not again. They’d let this happen too many times before.
“...Osomatsu. We saw you last night.”
Osomatsu froze in the doorway of the living room, and turned around to face his younger brother again. “...what?”
Karamatsu shot Choromatsu a look, silently asking if he should really do this. But Choromatsu inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly before nodding slightly. He had to.
“We...we saw you in our room last night, crying,” Choromatsu began quietly, not meeting the oldest’s piercing gaze. “We didn’t want to pry or bother you if you needed a moment alone, so we didn’t mention it until now, but...but we know something is wrong, Oso. And we just want to help you.”
Karamatsu said nothing, but he cut a quick glance toward Osomatsu to try and read his expression The oldest looked stricken, blinking fast, as if he’d been caught doing something much worse.
“Please,” Choromatsu said, his voice now almost a whisper, “just...let us help you, Oso. Please tell us what’s wrong.”
A long, tense moment followed, and for a minute Karamatsu and Choromatsu expected Osomatsu to blow off the plea and walk away, or blatantly deny it again.
But that wasn’t what happened. Instead, at last, Osomatsu said faintly, “...I had no idea you heard that. I was just...I just had to let off some steam. I didn’t think anyone would find out and worry so much about me...I feel awful about that.”
“You don’t have to feel bad about crying, Osomatsu. You can cry whenever you want, and we would never judge you for it,” Karamatsu said gently. “But...we just want to know why you were crying, so we can help you.”
Osomatsu stepped into the living room again, dropping into a cross-legged position on the floor between Karamatsu and Choromatsu. His gaze shifted between the immediate younger brothers, doubt flickering in his eyes, as if he were questioning whether he should really speak what was on his mind. “I feel like you guys are going to think I’m, I don’t know...selfish if I tell you.”
“We would never think that, Oso,” Choromatsu assured him seriously.
“Okay.” Osomatsu sighed, wringing his hands in his lap. “The thing is, I was crying because...I was stressed, okay? Really stressed out. I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately. Maybe I’m just being dumb, but sometimes it’s...it’s really overwhelming to be the oldest brother.”
Karamatsu and Choromatsu watched on silently, each of them giving a tiny nod to urge Osomatsu to continue.
And Osomatsu did. Now that they’d gotten him to talk, it was a little easier for him to let the words flow. “It was easier when we were little, y’know? We were cute, and we could get away with the naughty things we did. But as we got older, Mom and Dad started to expect more of me ‘cause I’m the oldest, and they’d tell me off for being a bad example for the rest of you sometimes. I never wanted to be a bad example, but it’s hard sometimes living up to expectations. And...well, I’m pretty sure I’m a bad example to you all now, just sitting around with no motivation to do anything. Sometimes I think you’d be better off without me.”
Osomatsu drew in a shaky breath, his eyes now shiny with a sudden rush of tears. “But it’s not even just about being an example to you. It’s hard, wanting to always be there to protect you guys too. I feel like I should always be the one to help you up when you’re down, to take care of you and make sure you feel safe. I’ve always gotta be strong so you guys can really feel like you can depend on me, but it’s tough! It’s not easy acting like I can handle it all the time when sometimes I just feel like crying too! Especially since I let you all down so much!”
His shoulders trembled as he dissolved completely into tears, and Karamatsu and Choromatsu were quick to rush to his side. “I just...I wanna be a good big brother, but it’s hard! It’s so much pressure! And I don’t think I’m even very good at it!”
“Osomatsu…” Choromatsu’s heart broke, seeing Osomatsu so distraught. He comfortingly patted Osomatsu’s back and glanced over at Karamatsu, who looked equally upset. They let their big brother cry for a bit and let it out of his system before even attempting to say anything.
“Osomatsu, you are a good big brother--surely you must know this?” Karamatsu began, once Osomatsu’s sobs had tapered off to sniffling little whimpers as he struggled to compose himself.
“H-how so…?” Osomatsu wondered.
“So many reasons.” Karamatsu gave himself a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing. “For one thing, you support us. You might tease us, but you don’t judge us, especially for something we feel bad about enough. And you’re always there to comfort us when we need it, too. And I know that if anything ever happened to one of us, you’d do anything in your power to protect or defend us. You’re braver and stronger than you let on.”
“Osomatsu sniffed. “You th-think so…?”
Choromatsu nodded in agreement. “And Oso, you’ve grown a lot. You are reliable. You’ve done things wrong in the past, but you corrected yourself, and made up for it. Not everyone changes like that, but the fact that you have shows that you care.”
“You can trust us on that, can’t you?” Karamatsu asked, offering a small smile to Osomatsu.
Osomatsu rubbed at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. “I want to...it means a lot to hear you say that. Thank you…”
They sat for another minute, Osomatsu wiping away his tears and sniveling. At last, Choromatsu spoke up again.
“But you know...you don’t have to carry the burden of being a big brother all by yourself,” he said. “You have Karamatsu and I to back you up. We’re all the oldest brothers. You don’t have to feel like you and you alone have to be responsible for everything.”
“That’s true,” Karamatsu attested. “You may be the only oldest brother, but that doesn’t mean you have to bear the weight of everyone’s problems on your own. And you certainly don’t have to keep your own problems to yourself just because you feel you aren’t allowed to ask for help! We’re all here to support and take care of each other, regardless of age order, are we not?”
“I guess…” Osomatsu mumbled uncertainly. “But if I can’t take the responsibility of being the oldest brother on my own, doesn’t that mean I’m weak…?”
“Absolutely not,” Choromatsu stated firmly. “If anything, being able to admit you need help is a sign of strength. You recognize your problems and know you can’t do it alone.”
“Choromatsu’s right--if you had kept it to yourself and let yourself keep getting overwhelmed and stressed like this, you surely would’ve reached your breaking point,” Karamatsu added. “It’s much better to get help before it’s too late. We want to help you. They’re our darling younger brothers too, after all!”
Osomatsu nodded, albeit somewhat hesitantly, as if still trying to accept that this was okay—that he didn’t have to assume all responsibility, that he wasn’t alone.
“Do you feel better now?” Choromatsu asked, after awhile.
“Yeah...I think so, a little anyway.” Osomatsu managed to smile, just a little. “Thanks...I’m really glad I can count on you two. You’re really good brothers.”
“Of course, my dear brother,” Karamatsu said, smiling as well. “We’d do anything for you.”
“All you have to do is ask,” Choromatsu added, giving Osomatsu’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
“In that case...can I ask you both for something now?”
“Of course!” Karamatsu responded. “What is it?”
Osomatsu’s small smile became sheepish. “Could you give Nii-San a hug, please…?”
“I think we can do that, easily.” Choromatsu leaned in and wrapped his arms around Osomatsu, and Karamatsu did the same. Osomatsu put his arms around his brothers and pulled them in close, squeezing them tightly. It was a good, long hug, one they all needed at the moment.
All of them were relieved right then—Karamatsu and Choromatsu because they now knew what had been eating away at the oldest and how to fix it, and Osomatsu because he’d finally had that weight lifted from his shoulders. He truly didn’t have to be a leader by himself.
It was good to be a united front, to be able to lean on each other. It was good to have brothers who really, truly cared.
Hiatus is over, and the ask box is now OPEN for requests!! Please read rules before sending any in!
I will be accepting ten requests so as not to overwhelm myself, if I get a couple over that I will still write them but they won’t be priority.
Also, for my own sake, I will be taking my time with writing requests as I work on other projects as well. Hiatuses will also more than likely become frequent when I empty the ask box just to give myself time to refocus and recharge. I apologize in advance for inconvenience and thank you for your patience.
