The Zoo @animallovinnerd - Tumblr Blog

banshees-deactivated20180812

i ate chef boyardee and began to cry bro that shit was so bad… i had noodles i could have eaten those

banshees-deactivated20180812

help

hot dog in my lung

help me put more in

Being 4’11 is so hard sometimes, for real.

elionking-deactivated20191020

Damn, this so true. I remember in 4th grade I couldn’t reach nothing

taint3edcakes

ancientouroboros

Entirely for @hellmandraws‘ amusement, and to defend America from the charge of being “weakass babies” I’m going to liveblog eating licorice candy.

ancientouroboros

okay first of all, the packaging. there’s a cartoon monkey ecstatically making love to a candy monkey. Perhaps an indicator of the orgasmic bliss I’m about to experience. 12/10. my hopes, like the people who designed this bag, are obviously very high

ancientouroboros

the candy looks like rocks and not jaunty little monkeys. huge disappointment. I had to recreate stonehenge to rally my flagging spirits. 2/10

ancientouroboros

First taste: wow this is salty! I think I actually like this. I love anise so I’m pretty sure this is going to be a trip to flavortown. 8/10 me rn:

ancientouroboros

OMG THE SALT WORE OFF IT’S SO MUCH WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED.

IT’S LIKE EATING A SHOE.

IS THIS CANDY?

IS THIS WHAT MAKES SCANDINAVIANS SO POWERFUL?

ancientouroboros

I’m chewing and it won’t go away

ancientouroboros

it’s stuck to my teeth, I’ll be tasting this forever. shards of this will be discovered in my teeth when my body is excavated from an archeological dig tens of thousands of years in the future. somehow the smell has traveled up through my nasal cavity and all I can sense, hear, or experience is licorice. the world is an empty vessel filled with remorse and the cloying smell of decay. I’m at the nadir of my existence. -100/12

ancientouroboros

somehow, here, standing at the edge of eternity, the darkness that consumed me birthed me anew. I’m not only ready for another candy, I’m eager. I can, nay I must, immediately eat another

ancientouroboros

oh wow it’s salty! 8/10

ancientouroboros

this time I’m ready for the salt to wear off.

ancientouroboros

I WAS NOT READY

ancientouroboros

the flavor this time was different, and somehow so much worse. instead of the leather of a shoe, it was like eating an entire shoe factory. the industrial rubber of the forklift tires, a hint of diesel as secretive as a volkswagen scandal, a soupçon of hot tin roof, the sweat of non-unionized labor, and a pervasive sense that while we’re all in this together, some of us are more all in this than others. 1/10 throw off your shackles, taste buds

ancientouroboros

I can’t believe it but I’m into this. I like this. shocked and disgusted with myself, I shove 2 more into my mouth concurrently.

ancientouroboros

conclusion: I’ve become addicted to licorice candy. what is in this. how do I get more. I hate this? I hate this. I willingly admit I’m a weakass baby. 100/10 will cycle through destruction and rebirth willingly and with open eyes, albeit it with teeth that will never again be clean.