Ankita🌻

24 | Indian | Now > Before

[ankkiiitaa]

25,4,22

It is rightly said - all good things come to an end

And we managed to be exes that stayed friends!

I'm amazed at how eachother's new chapters we endeared,

Then why does the news of your wedding feel so fucking weird?

The pictures of your wedding are decorating my Instagram,

Somehow my brain's reacting in nothing but monograms.

When the air between us is sorted and cleared,

Why does your being someone's husband feel so fucking weird?

I see you invited all your friends with whom I've hung out,

Did they remember me at your wedding, did they call me out?

And even though, by hurting you, I had my own reputation smeared;

Why is this insecurity making me feel so fucking weird?

You seem thinner, your eyes blinded by conviction;

Or maybe I'm just making it up, a nonsensical fiction.

Maybe you are just glad and cheered,

Then why does your smile feel so fucking weird?

No, I'm not jealous, or insecure, or psychotic,

Just hinged that you're overriding my memories, I've no place even in your attic!

I'm happy that a righteous life you have pioneered,

And maybe tomorrow I won't consider any of this as weird.

-A

[drearydaffodil]

But then your face

Was there, before my

Eyes in its pixelated

Wonder and I wondered

How do I escape the

Sobs that bloom

Inside my chest--

Just how can you

Be gone?

[ankkiiitaa]

I told her to take a seat

To take deep breathes

She looked pale and disheartened

I told her she deserves the world

That whatever she is going through is gonna be okay

She didn't believe me

I told her she has a warm heart

That she is kind and loving and wonderful

She felt overwhelmed

I told her she is beautiful

That her smile and her aura is like Sunshine

She blushed

I told her she can create her own happiness

That she is powerful enough to pick herself up and go get it

She felt courageous

I looked in the mirror again

And there she was, rising from the flames

-Ankita

[ankkiiitaa]

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a wildfire

The flames burning through my skin

My million tears unable to put it off

I'm not screaming

I'm not struggling to put it off

I'm letting parts of me go up in smoke

Because I think I deserve the pain

Or because I think these flames will blaze my demons and a good inch of me would survive

Only to find thst inch drowning deep into the ocean

Dissolving and dissolving until a centimetre survives to be caught in a hurricane

-Ankita

[ankkiiitaa]

You and I,

We're effortless, like blinking of an eye..

You're illimitable, like the bright blue sky..

You're sweet, more than cakes and chocolates!

You walked in my life almost like it's fate..

You illuminated my nights like you cast a Lumos charm,

You welcomed my emotional baggage with your heart so big and warm!

My red flags, my scars, didn't seem to bother you

A little homie, a little new, so liberating is the feeling of you

You sang to the rhythm of my heartbeats!

You had me going nuts with your charm and wit!

You matched my magnitude when you looked at me right into my eyes,

I felt so much in love that I imagined our hearts forming allies!

You held not just one but both my hands,

And other than your presence my conscience gave up all the demands!

You didn't wanna change me, didn't wanna question me,

You just wanted to hear it all and still chose to set me free!

I can't predict the future, perhaps we're already going too fast

There's nothing else I know than the will to make this last! 💕

-Ankita

[ankkiiitaa]

[ankkiiitaa]

[ankkiiitaa]

You were right here in my arms, but you weren't mine..

I didn't feel connected to you. All of it felt like just for the sake of it..

Maybe because you didn't love me anymore, maybe because I didn't love you anymore..

I ate a mint before kissing you so that your taste doesn't linger on my lips..

I showered after you left, I didn't wanna keep your scent on me for the rest of the day..

I tried to treat it like it meant nothing, but it truly didn't..

I started singing a love song and then immediately stopped because the words weren't relatable..

I didn't describe it to myself over and over again like I used to, didn't give it pretty adjectives.. I guess I didn't find any right ones..

You came and you left and for the first time, I didn't keep a part of you with me.. I let you go..

It was fun.. you were right here, in my arms, but you weren't mine..

[ankkiiitaa]

[mercymiku]

Shards:

I want to hear the glassy rain

Cast itself into the unknowing void

And return to its composite shards

Hear its stony splatter against my skull

And feel the grainy grunt of

Wetted fabric against my skin

I want each drop to slice me open

Turn me into shreds of flesh and cotton

Into gashes of red against the grey

That dilute and drain into the soil

Food for a more solid organism

I want every shimmering bead to bury itself

In the weeds of my hair

Lodge inside my pores and sink deeper

Deeper down in between the particles

That compose my being and freeze-thaw

Until I’m reduced to rubble

Eroded and untroubled

~Tear me down

[o-serendipity-o-deactivated2020]

I brace for impact

launching fearlessly into

your hurricane heart.

- o-serendipity-o

[ankkiiitaa]

Not sorted

Has it ever occurred to you? Not everybody is as strong as you are, not everybody is as sorted as you are. I'm not like you. Nothing is simple with me. I'm messed up, just like my wardrobe. My thoughts are haphazard, my imaginations are crooked, my dreams are unreal. I feel a mixture of happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety, excitement, everything together. Do you?

I don't really have freedom, but I'm freer than you know. Because I allow myself to be free. Because the world might put me on a clock, but I won't do that to myself.

I have my own way of dealing with stuff. Not perfect, but very honest. Yes, I lie. I lie to protect myself, I lie probably because not everybody deserves my truth. I'm unsure, I'm always in doubts.

I feel like giving up rather than fighting for something, but I understand that it's just a feeling, not what I really want. Now you would never feel like giving up ever, but for me to not feel like giving up, I first need to feel like giving up.

I'm crazy, I'm abnormal, I'm nothing and everything at once.

Life isn't simple for me, neither do I want it to be. Maybe you shouldn't try to sort it out for me, maybe you'll lose me if you keep trying. Somewhere in all these maybes, what I definitely want is you to understand that my mess is something I own up to, and that without it, I'm not me.

-AK

#twcpoetry

[galinironshod]

Another Winter Morning

Hugging myself in bed

Cold fingertips digging in

So cold

Outside it would have to warm up

For the mercury to hit zero

Music pounding

Because if my blood is racing

My mind isn’t

Isn’t going to places it shouldn’t

Thinking of things that won’t be

And others that can’t be allowed

The good and the bad

The ugly and the beautiful

Light mixing with dark

Until all my mind’s eye sees

Is a Rorschach test

Of memory and fantasy

I stare at a black and white print

Trees

That used to hang on my wall

And I long to be held.

[ankkiiitaa]

💔

[best-life-wisdom]

love

[ankkiiitaa]

💛

[ankkiiitaa]

Phases

Relationships aren’t just about hugs and kisses, balloons and chocolates, they’re more about love and trust, understanding and supporting.

There’s always a phase where things get dry. A phase in which we all have our doubts, fears about being led down, being ignored, gotten bored of. Things that make us mad and grumpy, things that take away the magic.

It was my phase, my feelings of lonliness and overthinking upon little things. I was sure as hell ready to give up everything to fix it. What I didn’t realise was there was nothing actually broken. Empty mind’s a devil’s workshop, they say. I was fussing upon and confused about little things that weren’t even significant to drive him away from me. A forgotten good night message, a missed detail of his life. I was scared and wondering if he was bored of me.

I talked to my sister and she told me there is no solution other than talking to him about it. So, I did. I told him whatever was going through my mind and sat back to hear what he had to say.

He began to talk and that very moment I realised why I love this guy! All the little things, the stupidest things, the weirdest things! They came rushing back to me. I knew he wasn’t gonna leave my side no matter what! The way he took a very little time and made me feel a lot better. The way he turned a simple conversation into a fairytale..

There’s a reason why we fall in love, petty reason, big reason, many little reasons.. and regardless of any phase, those reasons never change ♥

The love, it doesn’t fade. All that fades is our sanity at times, and trust me, losing our sanity once in a while is probably what keeps us sane :)

So hugs and kisses maybe bliss, but love is sitting down and pouring our hearts out to make place for love ..

[smalltacosbigideas]

I have to tell you something. It’s a secret that i have only recently realized after yet another episode of my persistent, inconsequential series of existential crises: Life isn’t worth anything. Anything at all. There is no point to passing high school. Making it to college. Finding love. And a job. And a place to live in. And the bougainvillea flowers that you pass every morning. And the taste of ice cream after 2 AM. Or the adrenaline rush you get when you do something you know you’re not supposed to be doing. There is no point in doing any of these at all because we’re all gonna end up dead anyway. But hey, psst… Life isn’t worth anything except the things that make you happy. Except the things that remind you why you’re existing and why on the rarest of occasions it can feel nice to feel your heart pumping faster than it should be. Life doesn’t make a lot of sense except when you realize that there are things that keep you here. Like realizing that you have power over your body. if i wanted to touch you right now i could step across and hold your hand and you would hold it back. Like realizing that if staying alive means meeting people like you and having moments like these, i want to stay alive. I want to get out of my bed every fucking morning if it means i get to hold your hand.

(via all-the-wayyyy)

Wow ❤

[thequotejournals]

The hottest love has the coldest end.

Socrates   (via wordsnquotes)