Internalizing externalities

Each post has a story. It could be about something significant, or random or maybe just a small detail of something I was thinking about. Whatever the reason, one day I will look back at all of these posts and hopefully remember a fleeting moment, tangled in words that tell a story of my life. -Anna

[annakorina]

Happiness... is like the old man told me. Look for it, and you'll never find it all. But let it go... live your life and leave it. Then one day, you'll wake up and she'll be home... she'll be home.

[annakorina]

2. Split

Today I am overcome with the feeling that I am one of those “hurt people” that hurts other people. I am so acutely aware of this fact now.

As it sinks in, it feels like there are two sides of me that are having separate reactions at the same time. One that is in disbelief and the other… which knew all along but was waiting for the other half to realize it.

[annakorina]

1. Truth be Told

You know what I don’t understand? Why I must continually place the needs of others before myself. Day after day I am left empty, tired, and longing for something that I don’t fully understand. What is it really that I need to be happy? Separate myself from the expectations of society and dive into what the little girl who grew up way too fast needs.

[annakorina]

Margaret Sharma. She was 67. Except sometimes, by the end, she forgot that. Called me by my dad's name. Or her brother's.  You know, I tried to pretend that I didn't know who I was supposed to be.  They didn't say any of that at the funeral. They wouldn't. They just... smoothed it over. Made it nice. So, they left out all the bad stuff. And all the good stuff. They didn't say how funny she was. How she would... wink at you from across the breakfast table. She had a sweet tooth. And a dirty laugh. And she loved me... so hard... it hurt. She was gone long before she died. And I miss her. She was my anchor. And then I suppose she was my burden.

Owen Sharma about his mother in The Haunting of Bly Manor

[annakorina]

Here we go again

She felt anxiety rise up and swell in her chest. It was a feeling she had not felt in a long time and to be honest she was surprised that it felt so warm like a familiar pair of arms embracing her after years of not seeing one another. How messed up is that?

[annakorina]

Even if you and your friend are growing apart now, I’m sure you’ve shared moments together that are irreplaceable. No matter how much time passes, that won’t disappear.

Mr. Kondo, After the Rain, Ep. 9

[annakorina]

Goodbyes have never been my strong suit.

Today was my last working day with one of my co workers. Congratulations to S for her retirement! This wasn’t the first to retire and definitely won’t be the last as all my coworkers are now less than 5 years from retirement. 

It was the end of the day. We looked at each other as we were preparing our last words for the day. Typically we see each other off with a “See you tomorrow! “ or Have a nice weekend! See you next week.” But this time we both knew now that this was the last one. I looked at her and listened to the praise that honestly I did not expect to receive. “You have been an absolute joy to work with. You are blossoming to become a wonderful blood banker. You’ve always had good instincts, stay true to who you are...” at this point my ears can’t seem to hear right.  I feel the need to return the praise and open up to her, I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I wanted to say thank you for everything. That it was because of your expertise that I was inspired to learn as much as I can about this field of work. I was so very lucky to have you as a mentor to shape the kind of blood banker I am becoming. I wish I had more time to work with you. I wanted to say all these things and more but instead I started crying. Once she saw, she rushed forward to grab me in hug. Even at a time like this, she was the one comforting me. She was the one guiding me through... but then I heard her crying too. “I’m such a crybaby. I told myself I wouldn’t cry.” I managed to say between sobs. 

“Me too.”

To anyone reading this, don’t worry I already vowed to write her a card so that I can properly thank her.  

[annakorina]

Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it.

Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

[annakorina]

Beyond the Night Sky

For me, when I think about the real family I lost, I gave up crying about it because I thought it was pointless. 

It made me sad to think about them, so I tried not to.

I chased them out of my head. I chased them out. Chased them out…

But was that really the right thing to do?

-Rei Kiriyama from March comes in like a lion, Chapter 6.

[wordsnquotes]

Home is not where you are from, it is where you belong. Some of us travel the whole world to find it. Others, find it in a person.

Beau Taplin (via wordsnquotes)

[thelovejournals]

I used to say I’d know you anywhere, but it’s getting harder.

Margaret Atwood, “Shapechangers in Winter”, Morning in the Burned House (via wordsnquotes)

[somepiecesofmyheartandsoul-deac]

Often we forget that we are the ones living our own lives, that this life belongs to us, and it shall go on the way we fight for it to.

Lukas W. // Coffee thoughts #87 (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

[wordsnquotes]

Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you? …I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way i see myself—if they could live in my memories—would anyone love me?

John Green, An Abundance of Katherines (via wordsnquotes)

[annakorina]

Where has the passion gone?

Many things that we experience in life is relative. Our sense of happiness, in my opinion, is one of them. It feels as though the older that I get, the less raw happiness I feel in my life. I find that instead it feels forced and blunt. It feels unnatural to the point that I feel uneasy.

What happens to us along the path of adulthood that our sense of happiness diminishes? Do we just see the world for what it "really is" and prune ourselves to be more realistic? Do we shed the parts of ourselves that we deem are unnecessary in order to better fit in with the molds that society has planted? Where has the passion for life gone? How do we get that passion back?

[annakorina]

When she was a kid, she was easily moved and inspired by many aspects of life. Now that she is older, it happens less, but when it does happen, it is a breath of fresh air. It is a warmth that floods her and sets her soul ablaze.

[wordsnquotes]

Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

Pablo Picasso (via wnq-writers)

[thequotejournals]

It’s unbelievable how you can affect someone else so deeply and never know.

Susane Colasanti  (via thequotejournals)