fem - 23 y/o

[love]

By Nate Bittinger

[annexedangel]

i didn't get in

Hi there, Tumblr. Today is a weird day.

When I graduated high school, I moved to a different state to study chemical engineering. Growing up, I thought I'd really like it, but after going at it for about a year and half, I realized I didn't want to work a single day as an engineer.

The topics I was studying were horribly boring, and I was quickly starting to realize that my life potential was hitting a dead end. I had two major depressive episodes (the latter the most severe) and had no choice but to leave engineering for a year. I wanted to ponder and research how I could get my life to go in a different direction. I was miserable.

Well, for a while I wanted to become a psychologist. I love psychology and it has always been a dream of mine to treat mental illness. I wanted to study psychology and then move on to graduate study to become a clinical psychologist.

It was like my light through the Hell of my very real reality of becoming a chemical engineer. And during my year off, I had time and the lack of pressure to think and decide where I wanted my life to go. The only thing that I loved more than psychology was writing. It has always been my safe place, and when I am writing or reading - I'm either doing really great or on my way to feeling better.

I applied to a handful of universities. Some to stay in the state I'm in now, and another back home where I'm from (and where my parents live). I applied to two different schools in my home state - one as a Psychology admission and the other as a Journalism/English admission.

After taking a year off, I had three official choices to choose from.

A. Finish my engineering degree, and then just not work as an engineer.

B. Go back to my home state as a Psychology major.

C. Go back to my home state as a Journalism/English major.

And well, to put it delicately, now I only have two options.

I didn't get into my Psych choice school. They denied my transfer. I met all the requirements, had a great resume, and have gotten in before when I applied as an engineering major after graduating high school.

To transfer as an engineering student, you must have a GPA of 3.5. And to transfer as a Psych student, you must have a GPA of 3.0.

I had a freaking CHEMICAL ENGINEERING GPA of 3.6.

But - denied.

I'm very surprised I didn't get in. Because I just don't understand why. If I had to guess, I'd figure it's because of two things: I've taken a year off and depression makes you look dumb when you put in on a transcript. Even though I explained that part in my essay??

***TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM (triggering text in bold/red)***

But in my essay, I had to be professional. Sorry I didn't say I went to hospital during my Spring Break in Utah after trying to slit my wrist with a freshly sharpened kitchen knife for fifteen minutes.

But yeah, so I didn't get in because I look like a quitter-when-it-gets-hard (I dropped classes during my two depressive episodes to protect my GPA from my crippling depression) and because deferment makes it look like I'm lost.

So great. The 21st century isn't as educated on the human condition as I thought. I shouldn't be surprised - we're still living in a society where SAT scores very much matter.

But now, I think I won't get into my other school choice - the Journalism/English one. Because that school is even harder to get into and if that's what my Psych choice thinks of me, I can't even imagine what these guys are gonna think of me.

So great - now I have to go back to engineering school. And to be honest, I was probably going to do that anyway, but I wanted it to be a CHOICE. Not a fucking default. I am very annoyed and disheartened.

And the weird thing is, when I found out last night that I didn't get into my psych choice - I wasn't really all that upset. It felt right that I wasn't going to there. But my ego hurts a bit. Rejection is divine protection, right?

I just wish it protected my ego, too.

But now it's like, welp - guess I'm not gonna major in Psychology. Like it's literally not an option for me, and I hate not being allowed to do things. I like control - I'm a writer, I have a bit of a God complex, what can I say?

I'm not upset that I won't be going to this school. I'm upset that they don't want me to, that I literally can't, and now I'm pretty sure I'm going to get another rejection. I'm, like, very pessimistic, now.

But the other school's rejection actually will upset me. That one's really gonna make me doubt my talent as a writer. I wrote essays and I put so much into those. I submitted so many additional materials - a resume, a GLOWING recommendation letter, and TWO extra essays.

I'm gonna have a bit of a crisis - like I'm going to feel pretty insignificant and untalented. Kind of like I have no purpose or specialty. Like no one wants me.

I don't know how I'm gonna take it. But I'm not looking forward to it. In fact, me - and my depression - are pretty fucking horrified.

Wish us luck. xx

[promqueendyke]

aleksandra waliszewska // yves olade // joy priest, horsepower // richard siken, wishbone

[annexedangel]

22 (Taylor’s Version)

*i found this on twitter today and it made me giggle*

[annexedangel]

[annexedangel]

counseling appt 4.5.22

So I have an appointment with my counselor today, and I am actually dreading it. I usually look forward to them like mad because God help me - my fucked up mind needs guidance.

But recently, my fucked-up-mind would very much like to remain as so, because the opposite means to process my minute trauma of the past two weeks. I am still so, so mortified and (still) haven't told my journal about it. I feel like admitting it would make me not only feel pathetic but look it too. I hate nothing more than seeing my delusion for what she really is.

It hurts too much, and it makes me feel like I won't ever be happy. Well, my counselor has kind of been rooting for me during what I still don't feel like sharing, and today, she's gonna ask me what happened - how it went.

And she'll be smiling and have that same dumb look on my face that I used to have before it all went to shit, and it'll be like an out of body experience that will punch me right back to when it happened.

But I'm just straight up gonna tell her I don't want to talk about it. I'm too embarrassed and just not ready. I'd like to be ready - but without having to feel an unbearable serge of smallness.

It's like another wave of Jump has come through.

Instead, I'll tell her that after it happened, I got really sad and lost for a moment. But I found myself, and I actually am now hoping for the guy that I always really wanted. And he is more perfect and unrealistic than ever, but I really like him! It's sort of like I'm more myself now that it's all over.

I liked Jump's brother a lot, and I was happy to like him. He really was great and really did make me feel great. But I am no longer blinded, and realize now that he wasn't really for me - not the truest and realest and most connected version of myself. He was for the fake me that I was when I was so close with Jump. But my relationship with Jump is dead, and my feelings for Jump's brother were the last step I needed to crush to finally be her again. I'm back on the plane that I belong, and I feel more real, now.

I'll also tell her that I hate working from 8 to 5, and that I can't stop chewing on the skin around my fingernails. Gross, I know, but I do want to stop! I'm bringing it up to my counselor, so there you go.

I'll let you know how the appointment goes.

.........(post app't)........

So she took it a lot better than I expected when I told her I didn't want to tell her about what had happened with Jump's brother. I was worried she was going to scare me into confessing by saying something about how I'm only going to hurt worse by suppressing it.

And I am feeling a little better about admitting it, but like I said - I'm just not ready yet. She did do this thing though where she asked what I would say to a friend if the same thing had happened to them.

Theoretically, I was totally understanding, and didn't look at her differently in the slightest. It was like a "that's what you're insecure about?" It was a total trip.

I did, however, go into lots of detail about how I feel like my true self again now that my feelings for Jump's brother are no longer waging war on my heart. We both agreed that the self expression piece of my reawakening was going to have to wait until I start college again next semester (because right now, I have like zero opportunities to wear anything other than work clothes).

Instead, she gave me homework to begin doing some of the artwork that I did before Jump and I's friendship began. It wasn't like I didn't do any art while Jump and I were friends, I just didn't do nearly as much of it. I wasn't inspired like I had been before. Me and my counselor agreed that when I was with Jump, I felt a lot safer posing as "vanilla."

So I'm going to try and write some more poetry and do Tumblr photo runs on my iPad. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's my way of expressing my passion for photography. Poems and third-person photography really pull out the deepest and most connected parts of myself. I love it.

And in regards to my working from 8 to 5 now, my counselor agreed that waking up even earlier was NOT the solution. "Unfortunately," she said, "the work world does not revolve around people who function better at night. But there are night owls. They DO exist." So, my other homework assignment is to write a script about asking my boss if we can adjust my hours.

All I know right now is that I will start out my ask by telling her my night self is suffocating by the ultimate lack of stimulation (professionally, of course). My boss is great and the conversation should go fine, but I get so embarrassed about being such a burden (my counselor did NOT like it when I said that). We are still trying very hard to rewire some of my core beliefs.

Maybe I'll share my script on here and share some of my poems. We'll see.

xx

[water-aesthetics]

[xeki]

[naive-personality]

[y0ungd0ve]

https://instagram.com/p/8GxRH3hlmx/

[newendy]

[annexedangel]

[annexedangel]

There’s been another development in the story.

So a couple things you should know.

1. I have been secretly in love with the same guy for four years.

2. I’m asexual.

The reason why these two factors are important are they are the reason I’ve avoiding dating completely for my entire life. I couldn’t like anyone as much as I liked this guy, and I hated the idea of sexual contact with ANYONE.

I didn’t realize I was asexual until about a year ago, and I finally understood why relationships seemed so grotesque to me. Why would you want this person to touch you and sexualize you constantly? That sounds like a nightmare to me.

And this guy I was in love with, the whole time I liked him, I never wanted to really even kiss him. I liked him so much because he was pretty and I was very comfortable by how I wasn’t sexually attracted to him at all. It felt so right, and a part of me thought that he wasn’t a very sexual guy. It seemed perfect.

But recently, I sought out that connection and it didn’t work out AT ALL. And even though it was mortifying, I’m glad I reached out because now I’m like capable of liking the idea of being in a relationship with someone that’s NOT him.

It’s a huge deal for me because I have never ever EVER wanted a boyfriend, but today I found myself…wishing I had one?? It was bizarre, but I’m still extremely picky. The standard just isn’t subconsciously HIM anymore.

Now it’s a kind of guy that I don’t really feel like describing but he has black hair and looks angelic. Needless to say, it’s a VERY unrealistic standard, but I’ve been okay with unrealistic standards because I like being single. I’m good with finding my perfect dream guy or being single. Both are fantastic - nothing in between.

But there is a part of me that is actually very interested in finding this “right person.” A part of me actually hopes that one day I will - I would be so absolutely lucky to meet him, and for him to like me. Maybe even love me.

But there’s another qualifier that jolts his possibility of existence even further - sex won’t be important for him.

I truly am asexual. If anything, it really gets in the way of the romantic connection I’d like to have with a person. It’s the one qualifier that makes me truly think I will never meet the right person, it’s the one qualifier that even makes me a little sad.

But of course, I would also much rather be single than be having sex. I can’t tell if I am winning or if I am losing.

I hope you’re out there somewhere, maybe.

[liz-cat-meow-deactivated2020011]

[neckkiss]

Kiss me slowly..

[neckkiss]

American Psycho.

[winterfellis]

[ehsth-deactivated20160521]

ART / GLOW / PALE