Unfiltered Thoughts Of Quiet

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

Chapter 1: The Argument 2018

"Did you think think you would really get away with this?" Says the male voice in another room.

"Well, we have had this talk before. You haven't been giving me what I want or what my body needs. You don't really expect me to continue to be a stay-at-home "mom". I think have more potential than taking care of the house and you when you don't even bother to talk to me. We don't even have children in house right now and you still don't bother to touch me."

He glances over, "I have been trying to touch you for months now. You brush it off like it isn't even important. I feel like I have been reduced just to looking at you. You are candy I can't eat. You are a painting I can't touch. You are my wife, I can't fuck! I miss it. I miss us..."

She turns around to take her apron off. Places it on the counter, and leans against the sink. "I'm going to the party. Don't you think that it's a little too late? You damaged us. You said and did some hurtful things to me. Meanwhile, I was here being a fool in love with you. You do remember that you ventured off before right? Oh how I loved coming into the house to hear you fucking someone else. The moans and the screams she made that you never made me do when we would make love. So, maybe I should use my free pass and do what I want? "

He struggles to look at her. The thought of a another man inside his woman makes him unbearably sick. "One free pass, maybe I owe you that much. I won't like it. I don't want to hear about it when you return."

She interrupts, "you mean if I return?"

"You're thinking about leaving me?" He says with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"Yes, I'm tired of being tired. Maybe you won't understand until I leave. Sometimes we learn better when things/people leave us. Because you appreciate what they did for you. Things you didn't even notice that were being handled. So, with that said. I have to get dressed and head out soon. You know how to reach me." She turns the stove off and heads into the room to get dressed.

After twenty minutes, she appears from the bedroom with her bag and keys. "Dinner is on the stove. Don't wait up for me." She leans in and kisses her husband's forehead and quietly makes her way out the door.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

I am insecure. There are so many beautiful women in this world. I would hate if one of them “took” the person I love and care about away from me. I understand my value. I understand that I can provide the table and anything on it, by the grace of God. But I also understand that we have free will. I understand that I’m a giver. Just because I’m a giver doesn’t mean the man I love will be a giver in return. I don’t have it all together. However, I’m whole. I’m at peace with myself. If I have to leave this life sooner than I planned, I have no regrets that I loved and cared for my son. I have a beautiful gift, that was given to me. No I don’t deserve him, but I’m grateful that God trusted me with such a precious gift. I have learned that this world is huge. I may know a few things, I’m humble enough to admit, I know nothing at the same time.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

The year is almost over. Certain parts of the year are on replay. It started out bumpy. My son was home. I got sick from exhaustion. I had to move around. After the move, DNA testing I pushed for. Then drama with the sperm donor. Things seemed so tough. Then I got the courage to tell a long time crush of mine that I was interested in him, for years. We connected. That was a big percentage of my year. Insecurities started coming out after something went down. School started and was rough. The road to finding child care was frustrating. I missed classes. I missed the crush that had his own issues going on. Just seemed like every time something good was close by it got pushed back. 2022, I barely did any streaming or recording. I was out of my element. Of course, being a single parent in all this made things more intense. Days where stress would be at its all time peak. And because my guy needed space I wasn’t able to see him. So, I had to try and find peace in the midst of the mess. It was tough. I fell in love without trying… knowing the other party probably wasn’t in love. Now, I’m working on myself and what I want. Praying that better will come but also working to see that better will come.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

I haven’t made a post for a couple of reasons. Some of my thoughts were so dirty I wasn’t going to get Flagged or reported. I spent time getting rest, tending to my son, working on myself. The biggest thing I did was write a letter to my “friend.” I expressed how I felt. I’m aware the letter has the strong possibility to have that person distant themselves from me. I thought it was courageous and stupid. I expressed what I could. It’s possible to lose that friend because of it. That letter was extremely long. I admitted being in love with them even though I’m sure they don’t feel the same. The only that keeps replaying in my head that if it’s genuine it will fall in place. If it’s God’s will it will happen. I do believe that having pure intentions will work in my favor. Always had pure intentions. But if I lose him as a friend then maybe it was meant to happen. Only God knows. I just pray that is not in God’s plan for both of us. I may never know what his response is to the letter that was written. All I ask is for God to show up on my behalf. I do have thoughts as we approach the end of the year. I do plan to share those.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

A married man was trying to get me caught up with him. He figured because we knew each other a few years ago I was supposed to just fall in line. Funny thing is we stopped talking because he had a girlfriend. The girlfriend messaged several females explaining the situation. He was taken. Keep in mind, we never met before. He’s out of state. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere, for me anyway. When he reintroduced himself, I knew something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. But why try to have a side thing with me when you’re married. I don’t break promises and I don’t break marriages, not my thing. This is why I have trust issues with certain men. I go into the situation honest. I know what I want and what I’m willing to compromise with. I’m super turned off by how guys approach now. There’s one I have made the exception for. That’s because I have known him for years. He approached as a gentleman and that is attractive for me. He has always been a gentleman in my eyes. That’s why I write about him so much. Because the things certain people make fun of or call lame, he shows but it’s very sweet. But i suppose that’s boring for some females. Okay, that’s fine. Then let me have him. The part that bothers me about the married man is when I asked him if he was married and why he failed to mention it, he had no answer for me. Like that’s ridiculous. You’re married to a beautiful woman and you are trying to get me to make plans with you. I already don’t do well with talking to guys now. I’m just not impressed. Introductions are trash or they aren’t funny. We don’t have that connection I have with the guy who makes me laugh. I’m not feeling it. Gives me more reason to just not reply to guys that aren’t him. I guess I call myself being open minded just in case he doesn’t want to pursue anything with me. But he seems like the only one worth pursuing, which I know from a gut feeling. It’s not like we haven’t had this conversation already. If he’s reading this, no one has taken my focus off you. I tried being open minded but you are the best option. You always have been. Especially with that hug I will never forget.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

There was a period of time where I blamed the world for why things were so fucked. Then, I used to only blame myself. “Why can’t I just do shit right the first time?!” As smart as everyone keeps telling me I am why do I keep fucking up with life decisions. I knew that guy was no good but I talked to him anyway. I knew that friendship was a setup but I invested anyway. I know my gut is telling me I should leave this man but as a black woman, I have to stick by him and endure abuse, manipulation, and insolation. In other words, the stove is hot and I chose to keep touching it. There are relationships that almost killed me or got me beat on.

I had to learn, within the last 4 years, that taking responsibility for decisions is essential. It’s essential because in order to grow you have to. I made decisions even though I got bad energy from them. So, applying the same concept to today, I should know better by now right?

Not necessarily. Quick detour, I read a lot of memes or “quotes,” that’s supposed to be deep on social media. One of them that kinda frustrates me is “Anything that’s meant for you should comes easy. It shouldn’t be forced.” So, I kinda disagree. Yes, some things don’t have to be forced. However, this is life we’re talking about. Life never said anything about being easy. This might sound vulgar but a lazy motherfucker had to come up with that. Anything we want, we have to work for. Well, most of us that don’t have a spoiled or different upbringing. Even in the Bible, “faith without works is dead.”I understand we can interpret things differently. Now, should everything we want come with tears and pushing through, I don’t think so. Things you want, materialistic or relationships including friendships you have to work at. Sometimes it’s rough. Sometimes you get put through the ringer but it’s worth it.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

I get uncomfortable when I’m off social media for a period of time and then I hop on and there you are. You show up online as well. I swear I’m not social media sniping.

I find it awkward because it’s no secret that I like you. So, what do I do? Pretend I don’t see it. Yeah, that doesn’t work.

The last week or so has been me trying to keep my distance but sending up prayers working on myself and prayers involving him too. Remembering that not even a friendship exists if it wasn’t for ☝🏾.

Is it wrong I thank you God for you? At the same time I have the desire to do some things to…

We don’t have to get into that. If I do that, I will lose myself for a moment… Hopefully, for just a moment. Oh Lord, I started rambling. I think I’m going to end this before I get myself into more trouble than promised.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

This is a love letter to the mustard seeds placed in my life. You being a mustard seed is one of many reasons why I love you. I love you because I know who you go to when you’re in need of help. I have watched you serve a God that I have come to know and fell in love with. Times when I cursed at him. I have cried countless tears. I have put myself in situations where I wasn’t supposed to make it out alive. I tried running away from God for years. Yet, every time I tried to run he was always there for me. You are a mustard seed he trusts in my life. Take that and where it as it a badge of honor. You played a valuable part in my life that influenced me getting closer to the king of kings. He used you to remind me how loved I am by him. You were used as a vessel. That alone is reason enough for me to love you. The others were in forms of counselors, powerful prayerful people. They became friends and family who protect. Understand that you are adored not because of what you can do but who you serve. Thank you for allowing yourself to be used in the best way. That’s why I came clear earlier this year let you know how I felt.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from suspicion to rage to fear to humiliation. It strikes people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations, and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or imagined. This definition is from psychologytoday.com.

Now, it doesn’t happen often, but when it does happen there’s a reason. I don’t like it. I find it funny that people say they don’t like jealousy, as if the person who is jealous wants to be jealous. I know some people in the world feed off bad energy but I’m not. The same feelings I had years ago for someone when they talked about other women are coming back. I have to keep in mind I don’t know the context of the conversations that are being had. I just pray I’m not forgotten in the mist of the interactions. I’m working on not being jealous. I promise it’s better than it was. I imagine it’s God working on me. I know I don’t have to be perfect to be with someone. However, I don’t want to take him back to the trauma of arguing and screaming. I definitely don’t want that for myself either. If he doesn’t know already, I miss him. I’m always praying for him, like I did for years.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

I miss him. I probably shouldn’t. However, when I see he’s online or just don’t hear from him, I miss him. It sucks. Why does it hurt? Does he care that it hurt or is it just my problem to deal with? Then the overthinking and jealousy comes into play because my perspective is do you enjoy talking to others more than me? Am I not important enough for you to want to talk to me. Then I criticize myself mad as hell because I have read people say you shouldn’t allow someone to change your energy like this. So, I’m not supposed to care, love, respect. Am I not supposed to understand. Would he say to me saying well that’s something you need to work on and not comfort that person. As much as I’m willing to do for you and you aren’t willing to do the same? I never thought I was asking for too much when it came to someone I liked. I’m not saying he’s a bad person. But am I not supposed to ask those uncomfortable questions just because I don’t want to upset him or make him feel some type of way.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

Today was rough. I have been trying to keep busy and not think about the message that was sent to me. It hasn’t left me. I feel really bad about how I made him feel. Someone I have known for years. I messed up several ways, when he showed interest years ago I was with an asshole. I stuck around because I loved his dumbass. Pushing him when he needed time alone. Apparently being a gaslighter by flipping what was said onto him. Meanwhile he was someone who respected my relationship and kept their distance. I don’t know if I ever had regrets before or made them known. But I regret not paying attention. Especially to someone who I know is a good person. The flames for him never left. They were tucked away. I’m scared that I lost him. I lost what could be too. That’s the part that hurts. I have to take responsibility. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for not paying attention or trying not to give in years ago. These thoughts aren’t to scare him. It’s me standing in front of God saying I would do my best to not hurt you. That with God I will love him as God taught me how to love. To him he might say I’m putting myself through unnecessary stress. However what I share right now is the truth. I just pray that the person I care about would see it, believe it, slowly embrace it when comfortable.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

The Most Random Writing Because I hurt Someone I Care About

You can have the purest intentions with caring about someone. That is okay. However, it is also okay if they don’t see the intentions the way you intended. My heart broke when a friend, who I have had a crush on for years, expressed that I made them feel uncomfortable with being themselves. That I would flip what they said to me back onto them. As someone who has never really fit in, I understood exactly where they came from. You would think after 18 years of knowing them I would make better judgement not to push them away.

This person never said I wasn’t worth it. He stated how valuable I am. He stated that God told him how valuable I am. I’m beautiful. A woman of God. Not only do I bring a lot to the table I can bring the table. He got to watch a beautiful testimony. Me, being a young lady to a mother. When someone pulls, that doesn’t give you the green light to push.

Today was rough. I prayed. I apologized for making someone I love feel uncomfortable. Not only did I pray from forgiveness, I asked for the mindset and actions to carry out the prayers that were made. So many times we ask for something and not the way to  navigate it. This applies to everything. He is just as precious as I am. I had time to go back and read our text multiple times. Sometimes you have to go back and reread. What did the teacher say when you didn’t completely get the concept or the main idea of the questions being asked? They said go back and reread.

Now, I’m not one to throw my beliefs in someone face. I don’t hate groups of people. I don’t push anyone and say they’re going to hell just because they don’t believe like I do. I have many problems though. I pushed because of fear. I pushed because I didn’t want to lose him. He told me his reason for distance was not because of me. What did I do down the line? I came back and asked, what did I do for you to distant from me. People get tired of repeating themselves. I hate to repeat as well. He made valid points when we would text. We went from friends to something more without a build up. I might have had a buildup due to the crush but he wasn’t given a fair opportunity to catch up. He is also true. Now I don’t regret going there with him. I think we just wish we went about it a different way.

So let’s get real. I fell for him even before we went there. Does he know, nope. For good reason. I never told people I liked them because it would always go wrong. Either I was too invested that it scared them. I was too angry or bitter for some. I was too hurt. I let them walk all over me. I was so willing to give so much of myself that I have lost myself in several men over the years. I was warned to get away from who is now the father of my son. But you know what I did, I loved. I loved someone who was not worth the love I was wanting to give. When I like someone they slowly become more important than myself. I just figured that’s how love is supposed to be. Self sacrificing. It shouldn’t be to the point where I lose sight of my value though. I see the value in him. When I see how priceless you are of course I want you. In a world like now, you’re rare. I have every intention to continue to show that for years to come. He got so comfortable with himself that he hasn’t looked back. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you know there’s someone out there that’s genuine and want to love you, why stop them?

As I’m writing this I had to go back and reread. Reality is I want to love him. I can’t do it MY way. I just don’t want him to push the idea aside. Why not work on the middle stage. Hang out. Challenge him to allow me to be around more. Or challenge me by letting him have his healing and recovery time.

He has every right to feel the way he does. I can love someone and give them space. I’m just scared someone else would take him. Same thing I used to feel before he got engaged. Then I had to remind myself, if I loved as much as I said I would wish him well and pray one day he’ll seek me. More will be added later.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

My thoughts of the day are as follows. Overthinking sucks. Sometimes I have the tendency to take nothing and make it into something. You want an example? My crush. He’s someone I have known for 18 years. Yet, I have pushed it to be 20 years, in my mind. We had a issue that happened this year where someone contacted me saying to stay away from him. He is taken by her. I didn’t realize how bad that hurt at the time. I known them for years and I thought they felt comfortable enough to talk to me about anything. They apologized. I do believe I forgave them. Stuff like that is kinda traumatizing especially after knowing someone for so long. The person you thought you knew kinda slipped up. I have to remind myself we all make mistakes. I miss him. I can’t help but get frustrated sometimes. I’m awesome to converse with. Why don’t you want to talk more. It really bothers me you talked so much in the beginning and you pulled back so much . As a respectful person I choose to give them space. Praying no one else takes that special place. Maybe only God knows.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

After so many years, I thought I was up there on the list. Maybe I am and it’s me overthinking again. Correct me if I’m wrong, we all have a list of people who we would “fuck with” on that level. Basically, I can count on one hand the people I would consider dating or actually date. Especially, if you think highly of me and shared it with me.

If you were looking, do I meet or surpass your expectations. Your needs and wants. How do you know unless you talk to me about what you want. What is ideal for you. Be honest with me and yourself. I’m not going to meet every single one of those and the same can be said if it’s for me. I believe if you have someone willing to compromise and communicate with, that’s more than half the battle. Seriously, those are strong skills in any relationship. Not everyone is thinking like that. Everyone can’t convey their thoughts in a healthy way with their partner or interpret their partner’s thoughts in a understandable manner. If you know people like that, they are worth holding onto. When you have good friendship, and it’s complimented with being able to be intimate, sounds like a recipe for good living. Well, maybe for certain circumstances. How would you truly know it’s worth it, if you don’t try it?

I believe the disconnect happens here because it’s comes off like I’m asking about it right away. I’m not. I’m just open minded to the concept. Why does that scare you? Afraid you won’t have your alone time. Oh you will. I cherish my alone time. My job isn’t supposed to be fall for you and take it away from you. My job is to work with you. Encourage change and better for both of us. I swear guys say they are scared for a creason. The last person they were changed them so much they never want to experience that again.

Regardless I have continued praying for them. Although I won’t postpone my life, I will do what you did. I will wait for you. This is included pray for you and with you.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

My Thank You Letter to You

When you love someone then you will allow them to come to you. It’s fair. When you let someone be themselves, if they aren’t causing harm to themselves or others. You allow them to feel safe. Once they are familiar with that feeling, they associate you with that feeling. Pray that God shows them or continue to show them that you have their best interest at heart. I want to be associated with peace. Not a burden. He knows I love him. That’s why he keeps his distance. He said he never wanted to hurt me and I believe him. 

They say we should strive to love like God loves us. That’s all inclusive and unconditional. If I am forgiven for my sin, I should forgive those who hurt me. I forgive him for hurting me. 19 years is a long time. They say we shouldn’t base our relationship on just time. Time is important. It’s the gift given to us everyday. So when I give you my time, it’s one of many precious gifts I have been blessed with. You might not want to share that gift with me often and that’s okay. Many blessings have been given because I have shared that time with you. Many blessings have come because I wanted to share that time with you. Out of 19 years, I’m not sure how many times I have said thank you to you. However, if it wasn’t enough allow me to show you thank you 19 years.  

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

Thoughts # 1 10/25/2022 4:12 a.m.

I never claimed to be a great writer. I actually hated it growing up. It always got me in trouble. Daily journaling where your siblings would violate your privacy all the time. Couldn’t talk about crushes because my brother would read and go tell the lady with horns. As time passed I used it as a way to cope with many messed up things. It started with writing letters to crushes. That always backfired. I was too shy to approach anyone. I soon learned it was the best way to convey my thoughts. I still don’t believe I’m a good writer. I just sit and write what I’m feeling. Granted there are a few lines where I can say, “I did that.” I don’t necessarily identify as a poet. However, I love poetry and spoken word. Once again I understand people have the right to express themselves. Maybe you can learn more about me. It’s always honest here.

[anonymous-quiet-thoughts]

There’s this crush I had, since I was younger. He never knew how much I liked him. It was good for me because I'm shy, and introverted. I admired the way he spoke. He was intelligent. He carried himself well. He looked amazing when he dressed up. There was this royal blue suit he would wear and I wanted to be near him when he wore it. I look forward to him making me laugh or smile. As much as I hated the trips to this place, he was the part I look forward to seeing. His hugs made me melt. I couldn't tell him this. I was too shy and I have a fear of rejection. As I have grown into the young lady I am, I watched him grow into more of the man I wanted. He never knew. There was this one time that we caught a vibe from each other. It was a moment full of tension. It was so awkward because I felt it but I didn't want to be the one to say anything to him about it. The crazy part is I felt like this even when I was in a different relationship. Not long after that break up we visited, I can't speak for how tense it was for them. My heart was racing for miles a minute. He had the nerve to remove his T shirt. I had to remove myself from that situation or there was going to be a situation. I'm not about making anyone a rebound. I noticed after that, it took a couple of years for me to go back and visit him. Because maybe I was playing myself. It was a temporary feeling. I was reassured the feelings weren't temporary. I let it go because he’s a disciplined Christian guy. I wasn’t going to meet whatever unknown standards he had. He listened to me beg and plead about heartbreak. Asking for prayer for things to be restored with that toxic love. He did it. Not his fault. We had a different relationship before. Then for some reason this year I got brave and made a joke. Who knew it would lead to something with potential? I think about him a lot. He's a great man. I wonder why he won't take a chance. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe him. I told him I don't want to hurt him. But why not try? You aren't curious about what it could develop into. I assumed he was more adventurous and trusting. There is more to this story.