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I'll be yours - Part 5

Oh okay I know it was around the week but this time it's longer, pretty longer and I like it though you may not haha anyway we will see, that's it.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know Placebo. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Pairings: oh you will see; hard to tell

The tour was speeding up, shows, interviews, meeting with fans, overwhelming pressure. Since few days Brian didn’t even have time to think about anything not related to their little “business” what was the best advantage of everything. No time to think, no time to wonder, no time to worry.

Tonight they were staying in a hotel since few nights and all of them were highly grateful for having the chance to sleep in a normal bed again. The relax in the tour bus wasn’t possible on that level as in the hotel, obviously. After exhausting but good job on the show Brian finally dragged his suitcase into the hotel’s lobby, noticing with surprise that his band mates were there too, not leaving to their rooms.

Stefan sighed and with strained voice said:

“Just don’t get mad, okay. There were some problems with our reservation and we have two rooms less than it was supposed to be.”

Brian pursed his eyebrows, not really understanding.

“So, what does it mean? Why should I get mad?”

“Because you’re going to be with me in the one room,” Steve answered, shrugging.

The singer looked at them with surprise and then laughed on how paranoid they were about him getting angry. Of course he wasn’t complaining, everything should be perfect for him.

“Oh, come on, that’s fine with me. I guess you’re not that bad in bed Steve?”

It was quiet for few seconds as Steve, just like everybody else, was looking at him in shock and fear, hoping they misheard something. As no one understood Brian’s joke, he only rolled his eyes, giving up and moved toward the elevator.

“I’m just joking, really none of you have sense of humor. What’s the number of the room?” The comedy of this situation was so obvious it was unbelievable. Usually it was Brian who didn’t have the sense of humor, getting mad on everything and today seemed like they were even too tired to catch it was a joke.

“It’s 27,” answered Steve, following him and getting into the elevator. “And no, I’m not really that bad in bed,” he said after the elevator closed, rolling his eyes. “That was weak, Princess.”

Brian grinned, clearly thinking his joke was too intelligent for them to understand.

“I wouldn’t want to fuck you anyway, Stevie. Don’t get me wrong, you’re really cute, simply not my type.”

“Ouch, being rejected by famous Brian Molko. You hurt my feelings, how could you,” Steve shook his head, pretending that he couldn’t get over it. “So who is your type, Mr. Demanding?”

The automatic answer was “Stefan” in his head but of course no one could know it. The only person he wanted and the only one who didn’t want him, that’s how his “luck” worked. The expression on his face changed slightly, if Steve didn’t know him that well he wouldn’t even notice it but he smiled again quickly, as if nothing happened.

“You know, someone who actually has something in his pants,” he laughed, stepping out from the elevator as it stopped on their floor.

“Hey! That was mean!” Steve shouted, following him and asking himself why it was HIM who agreed on sharing the room with Brian for that one night. Seemed like it was going to be very harmful and difficult experience.

“I’m just joking, Sunshine. I’m sure you’re good in bed after all those girls who leave your room few times a week.”

“Okay, it’s time for you to shut up, it’s getting too weird now,” Steve opened the door of their room, passing Brian in the opening and throwing himself on the bed. “Oh, fuuck, I’ve missed it.”

Brian rolled his eyes, closing the door behind him.

“You’re lucky I’m too tired to tease you longer and don’t even try to get to the bathroom while I’ll be taking the shower!” Brian opened his suitcase, grabbing only what necessary and proceed himself straight to the second room which contained the shower.

“I won’t, don’t worry. Not everyone wants to see your little butt, Princess,” Steve said yawning and stretching on the bed while Brian slammed the door, surprisingly ignoring this last comment.

He couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he was changing his positions. After few days of break his head decided not to give him the rest for any longer and was filled in with unwanted thoughts of everything that was related to Stefan. How much he wished he could just forget about him and move forward, try to find the proper partner, maybe even a woman. Seemed like all of his relationships with men were way too complicated to understand them on even the slightest level. It was so frustrating because he really tried to carry on normally, he really tried to forget but the bassist was always there, remaining about himself and how hopeless this feeling was. The sudden image of Stefan with David appeared in his head and the singer had to bite his lips to stop himself from making the painful moan. It hurt so much, to imagine it, to dream he could be at David’s place, to look at them while they were so happy together. He had to stop finally, he couldn’t live any longer just with dreams and desires which didn’t have any chance to happen and he had to realize it finally.

“Brian?” he heard a sleepy whisper coming from the other bed.

“Yeah, Steve? Why aren’t you sleeping?” he answered, glancing on the clock and realizing he was awake for four hours now, still not closing the eye. He was going to die tomorrow, for sure.

Steve changed his position, probably also looking at the clock and Brian could hear his quiet groan.

“I could ask you the same, actually,” seemed like Steve was almost fully awake now and if Brian could see anything in the darkness he would know that the drummer was looking at him.

“Yeah, I just can’t sleep,” Brian said in low voice, closing his eyes and hoping that this sleep would come very fast because he really needed it as hell. It was quiet for few minutes so Brian thought that Steve went to sleep again, what would be pretty understandable, but then Steve spoke:

“Brian? Do you love him?”

The singer’s heart started to beat ten thousand times faster than before, no one was supposed to know, right? At the end he was hiding It so good, how anyone could find out? Or maybe he wasn’t such a good actor…

“Who do I love?” he asked after few seconds, perfectly knowing that this short silence was suspected but still deciding to pretend he didn’t know about what Steve was talking about.

“Do you love Stefan?” Steve’s voice was quiet but also it seemed like he already knew the answer, like it was simply the rhetorical question.

Brian didn’t answer at the beginning, wondering if he should tell him the truth. Was it save to finally admit it out loud? Maybe Steve was just checking him but in the reality didn’t know anything? However, after few of those stormy thoughts he finally calmed down and breathed deeply, deciding he would admit it. Maybe after that it would be easier to face it and live with it?

“Yes. I love him,” he whispered, surprisingly calmly. Indeed it was the relief to vent it to Steve. He was so tired of hiding his feelings from everyone, so tired of being bottled in his overthinking and doubts and loneliness.

“You can’t keep going like that, you know that? It’s killing you Brian. All of us see it but not him, even David. No matter how hard you try, we still see it,” Steve’s voice was so serious it almost scared Brian and left him so anxious. It wasn’t possible everyone had noticed it, they weren’t supposed to.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, suddenly becoming closed inside and just constrained himself in the covers, closing his eyes and begging for even few minutes of sleep.

“You won’t be fine,” Steve whispered, adding: “I may not know you that long as Stefan but something like this won’t convince me. You should tell him, you really should. Then it will stop hunting you.”

“I can’t tell him, Steve!” Brian’s voice was harsh now as he shook his head rapidly. “I won’t destroy his happiness with my stupid feelings. I can’t do that to him, not this time.” Why were they even talking about that? Maybe he felt the way he did but it didn’t give him the permission to ruin other’s people lives. Enough it was destroying his own.

“What if he loves you too? What if he is just fooling yourself? I was watching you both carefully since I’ve joined the band and you are like… like the planets which left their right courses and are straying around till they find their paths again. And in the same time you’re so blind, it’s even frustrating,” there was some kind of passion in Steve’s voice like he couldn’t even consider another vision. “You’re over forty but you’re worse than teenagers.”

Brian stayed quiet, too shocked of Steve’s behavior and how simply he was thinking. How was he imagining it? What could he do? Go to Stefan, tell him he loves him and that’s all, pretend that nothing like that happened or wait for the harmful words how selfish he is again?

“It isn’t that simple. Firstly, he loves David and they’re together. I hardly believe he would leave him for me. And secondly, I also have to care about the band. You don’t even realize how much effort the relationship needs to last during the tour,” the room got quiet again and finally Steve said:

“Okay, if you don’t want to tell him then you should make him jealous. Maybe in this way he will come to you himself, maybe it will open his eyes,” Steve’s voice started to sound sleepy again as the hour was getting him again and in the next few minutes, Brian heard his quiet snoring.

“Sure, Steve. Thanks for the advice,” whispered Brian, hoping the sleep would also show him some mercy. It felt so strange to talk about so serious stuff with Steve. Of course there were times they were serious with each other but not like this. And it felt like he was sent by others to make sure he were alright. Singer was moved by this sudden care, which he didn’t really expect, and it made him smile a bit because indeed, he had people who were there for him. This thought calmed him down enough for the sleep to come and within the minutes he sank in the unknown place of never becoming true dreams and desires.

In the morning they didn’t say a word about last night talk but the strange atmosphere was present between them, however it wasn’t negative. Actually, it was more like the atmosphere of trust and attachment. Of course both of them had some problems with getting up, especially Brian but their moods were pretty good as for the eight am. Of course singer considered the option which Steve prompted and even though he was thinking about that before, maybe this time was the best to actually use it? Who knew, maybe it would meet with some reaction from Stefan’s side?

So he was cheered up and was talking with Steve almost all the time. Someone could even think something had happened between them during that night and that was certainly Brian’s goal. Maybe it was just the sick creation of his mind but from time to time he got the strange look from Stefan and that was making him even happier. Maybe Steve really was right? Maybe there was some hope for him?

The show went really good tonight which was connected with the charity so they finished around six pm and another good information was that they were staying at hotel again, but this time everyone had their own rooms. Brian made some jokes that Steve turned out to be too bad in bed so they couldn’t be together in one room anymore what was greeted with strange look from Stefan again.

Around eight pm all of them gathered in the hotel’s restaurant to eat dinner and sum up another week of their tour. The atmosphere was as great as never, Brian even gave the autograph to the waitress what didn’t happen too often of course. They were filled in with positive energy for another week and finally this tour started to look as it was supposed to.

Of course, like nothing in Brian’s life, that couldn’t last for too long but this time he was even surprised how briefly he was enjoying those moments. Too briefly. When they finished to eat, Stefan exchanged strange look with David and both of them got up, asking for silence. Of course all of them went quiet, waiting for big news and if the alarm bell started to ring in Brian’s head, he ignored it or pretended he didn’t hear it.

“So, we have something to announce you, guys,” Stefan started, smiling slightly.

“We didn’t really know when would be the best moment for that so we just decided to do this at the nearest dinner, like today,” David continued, looking up at Stefan and Brian noticed how gently he took him by his hand. Now Brian’s body finally responded for the alarm’s sounds as his heart started to beat much more faster than it should. What was that? What they wanted to say? Why was is becoming so serious?

“As you know, we’ve been together for about the year now and when we finally put our relationship on test during those few weeks of tour, we became sure it’s something really serious and important for us,” Stefan continued trying to look everyone in their eyes, of course except Brian. The singer didn’t know why he was avoiding him so much, what he expected to see there? He had no idea but whatever their announcement was, he promised to himself not to react.

“Exactly. That’s why, after this year, we’ve decided to finally… get engaged.”

The table went silent only to get really loud after first few seconds. There were congratulations, words of surprise, happiness and even more congratulations. But Brian didn’t hear anything of that. He felt like after this sentence he started to fall very fast into the very deep hole, without the bottom and without any signs of rescue. His vision became blurred as he got up and pretending the huge smile, he congratulated them. Of course he couldn’t look Stefan into his eyes because except the fact he just couldn’t, he didn’t want him to see what a thunder takes place there. He felt like he was taken so away from his best friend now, it was too hard for them to get close again. Maybe he was too dramatic but he felt like this was the time he lost him. Undoubtedly. With quiet words of apologize, he left the restaurant, explaining himself with the nugging head ache what wasn’t that far away from true.

But instead of going to his room, he simply left the hotel, taking the course on wherever his legs would carry him. He didn’t care anymore, he didn’t care about anything. It was like he became emotionless in just one minute and like all of his hopes just got shuttered in pieces and he wasn’t able to put them back together. There was always even a little light of hope but now... no light for him. Only this darkness, so overwhelming and so known. It felt like he was more familiar with it than with any other feeling. Of course if you could call it the “feeling”.

And the hint from Steve. To make Stefan jealous. For sure it would work, for fuck sakes. Yes, for sure he was secretly in love with him only to engage with someone else. And what about their promises? To never get married because it was the way the government wanted to control them? Why didn’t he even tell him earlier but just like everyone else? He wasn’t like everyone else, he was his fucking best friend for fuck sakes, he could expect some… special treating at the end. The anger started to raise up in Brian’s chest and the frustration and simply everything what was slowly growing inside of him during the few last weeks. Everything that summed up to one simple sentence, muttered under his breath:

“I need a drink.”

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yesss so that's it and I hope you liked it actually, it's a bit dramatic but well, life isn't that happy sometimes right?

molsdal kisses for everyone and see you next time!

comments and opinions welcome of course :))

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