Aperture Laboratories’s personal assistant

Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science enrichment center. Please submit any and all concerns regarding Aperture Science in the “[ Submissions ]”. The Aperture’s Science’s assistance is eager to help and will be with you shortly. For further information please contact Aperture Science’s CEO Cave Johnson @aperture-labs-ceo

[aperture-science-assistance]

Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science enrichment center. My name’s Caroline and I’m here to take care of any and all concerns regarding Aperture Science on behalf of Aperture Science’s CEO Cave Johnson. Please put any and all concerns into the Aperture Science’s submission box and we will get to you shortly. Potential test candidates are encouraged to also use Aperture Science’s submission box on this website for fastest response. We kindly thank you for your interest and contribution to science.

[henry-the-labboy-offical]

@rattmann-offical @young-doug-rattmann-offical @doomguy-offical @hl1-freeman @aperture-hr-official @dell-rattmann-official @hl2-freeman imagine going on a road trip.

[aperturehrdept-official]

( Just don’t bring Eli, he’d stop to take pictures every five minutes.. )

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

We need Dell to be the one responsible for music. Her and older me. Just don't let Henry near the radio-

[aperture-science-assistance]

I don’t believe you have enough vacation days for such activities, Dr. Rattmann.

[rattmann-offical]

Bite me.

[aperture-science-assistance]

The only thing biting you are going to be extra work hours, Dr. Rattmann.

[aperture-science-assistance]

Science of: BIG BOWL OF SOUP YUMMY SOUP

The test involving ‘big bowl of yummy soup’ can be found in the right wing of the Aperture Science facility. Please follow the blue line on the floor until nearest test chamber. Additional side effects may include nausea, vomiting, breathing difficulties, confusion, and chemical burns or odors around the mouth

Thank you for volunteering at Aperture Science. You may receive your payment of participation at the front desk after test completion.

[chell-offical]

This stupid facility is about to cook me alive.

I'm not a roast chicken, why am I in an oven???

[aperture-science-assistance]

We have test for ‘uncooking’, if it’s of any interest, the side effects may include fourth degree frostbites and possible loss of limbs.

[chell-offical]

I'll pass. Last time i checked you need 4 operational limbs to operate portal technology, and human bodies can generaly uncook themselves over time through replacing the cells.

Thanks though... i guess.

[aperture-science-assistance]

Not to worry, additional procedure of sewing limbs back upon frost bitten flesh is part of the test. Just to properly analyse the full scope of damage. You know, for science.

[aperture-science-assistance]

Hi hi don’t let them turn you into an evil computer.

Other Ratts have failed to warn you so now I’m trying.

… Please don’t beat me up.

— @dell-rattmann-official

I assure you, if there was any kind of evil computer Aperture Science would neutralise it until it was under control and test ready again. No one is going to beat you up, Aperture Science has firm no violence policy. Unless it’s part of a test of course.

[chell-offical]

This stupid facility is about to cook me alive.

I'm not a roast chicken, why am I in an oven???

[aperture-science-assistance]

We have test for ‘uncooking’, if it’s of any interest, the side effects may include fourth degree frostbites and possible loss of limbs.

[aperturehrdept-official]

If I sign up for testing can I get free bottom surgery, top surgery, and testosterone

( Yes, that’s one of the benefits that comes with being employed here. )

[aperture-science-assistance]

Of course, please don’t panic about the Mantis DNA admitted during the procedure, that’s part of the test.

[monochrome-stars]

big fan of telling people "have fun" when they say theyre going to the restroom

[just-your-normal-human-being]

Ok my personal favourite is "good luck", usually I use it when they say they're going to the restroom, but anytime someone is doing smth that does not in any way require good luck it unsettles people it's great

[aperturehrdept-official]

Usually I say “don’t fall in.”

[aperture-science-assistance]

Enjoy your free time off.

[aperture-science-assistance]

hey girl, I uh

I am all ears. Will you manage to form sentences anytime soon or are you going to keep wasting my time

[henry-the-labboy-offical]

@rattmann-offical @young-doug-rattmann-offical @doomguy-offical @hl1-freeman @aperture-hr-official @dell-rattmann-official @hl2-freeman imagine going on a road trip.

[aperturehrdept-official]

( Just don’t bring Eli, he’d stop to take pictures every five minutes.. )

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

We need Dell to be the one responsible for music. Her and older me. Just don't let Henry near the radio-

[aperture-science-assistance]

I don’t believe you have enough vacation days for such activities, Dr. Rattmann.

[aperture-science-assistance]

laughter house? I love to laugh!

Thank you for your interest in the test candidate program. Please refer to the left wing of our facility towards “the laughing chamber”. You’ll receive further instructions once the test starts.

[aperture-labs-ceo]

I just recieved some not-so-great news that the tests regarding "the laughing chamber" have been postponed indefinitely. Our greatest condolences go to the families affected by the recent events. You have all contributed greatly to the society. So i've been told.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I Quite Admire Your Work Ethic, Ma’am! May All That Glitters In Your Life Be Gold!

@miss-boss-official

Your flattery is appreciated but unnecessary.

[aperture-science-assistance]

Ms.Caroline, we think listening to @rattmann-offical may be beneficial, you might face some Unforseen Consequences in the future if you don't heed his warnings, even if they are quite vague, he's warning you of something related to.....

[Well... we're not at liberty to say exactly what it is, are we? All we can say is that steel and wires lack the comfort and warmth of flesh, unlike flesh they are awfully cold, please treasure that comfort for now atleast.]

Please understand that Dr. Rattmann is not always . . . right in his mind. With that out of the way, If you wish to threaten me, I suggest you do it face to face, preferably in front of all the Aperture Science’s cameras.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I think you and @rattmann-offical would get along!!

We do. As long as the work gets done.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Once again. I'm the one who still has a job in your time, ma'am. And he has some fuckery going on. Not sure what, but he always sounds, like, very traumatized.. and honestly that gives me a weird feeling..

[aperture-science-assistance]

Time is a social construct. As far as I’m aware, both of you are still employed by Aperture Science. Though I must say I’d appreciate receiving more concerns regarding my own timeline. Dr. Rattmann if you’re actively interacting with your future self I can’t imagine it feeling anything other than weird. For further notice I’d recommend limiting your contact with your counterpart, unless participating in one of Aperture Science’s tests.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

I thought the company wanted employees to socialize a bit. 🙄

[aperture-science-assistance]

The company would like to keep its employees at least somewhat sane. Please refer to your fellow employees for socialisation or visit the nearby relaxation vault.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Wow so you're straight up suggesting me to take a break? Wow, that's new.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I’m suggesting you don’t collapse on our floor tiles. It would be preferable if you kept some of your sanity while you’re at it.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

what did I even expect. nobody here cares about us as human beings, huh? nothing new tho..

[aperture-science-assistance]

There’s science yet to be done, Dr. Rattmann.

[aperture-science-assistance]

Caroline we need new printers ASAP. Please make it happen please

Please be assured that Aperture Science will make sure all of its equipment is up to date and works properly. I assure you, any damage or issues with the printers will be taken care of as soon as possible. Aperture Science thanks you for your patience.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Before anybody says anything, this time I REALLY have nothing to do with the printers problem, I fuckin swear. Btw if I get a free minute I might take a look at whatever happened to them.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I can confirm the camera footage supports your innocence. The Aperture Science appreciates your efforts, the issue is located in the right wing of our facility.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I think you and @rattmann-offical would get along!!

We do. As long as the work gets done.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Once again. I'm the one who still has a job in your time, ma'am. And he has some fuckery going on. Not sure what, but he always sounds, like, very traumatized.. and honestly that gives me a weird feeling..

[aperture-science-assistance]

Time is a social construct. As far as I’m aware, both of you are still employed by Aperture Science. Though I must say I’d appreciate receiving more concerns regarding my own timeline. Dr. Rattmann if you’re actively interacting with your future self I can’t imagine it feeling anything other than weird. For further notice I’d recommend limiting your contact with your counterpart, unless participating in one of Aperture Science’s tests.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

I thought the company wanted employees to socialize a bit. 🙄

[aperture-science-assistance]

The company would like to keep its employees at least somewhat sane. Please refer to your fellow employees for socialisation or visit the nearby relaxation vault.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Wow so you're straight up suggesting me to take a break? Wow, that's new.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I’m suggesting you don’t collapse on our floor tiles. It would be preferable if you kept some of your sanity while you’re at it.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I think you and @rattmann-offical would get along!!

We do. As long as the work gets done.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Once again. I'm the one who still has a job in your time, ma'am. And he has some fuckery going on. Not sure what, but he always sounds, like, very traumatized.. and honestly that gives me a weird feeling..

[aperture-science-assistance]

Time is a social construct. As far as I’m aware, both of you are still employed by Aperture Science. Though I must say I’d appreciate receiving more concerns regarding my own timeline. Dr. Rattmann if you’re actively interacting with your future self I can’t imagine it feeling anything other than weird. For further notice I’d recommend limiting your contact with your counterpart, unless participating in one of Aperture Science’s tests.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

I thought the company wanted employees to socialize a bit. 🙄

[aperture-science-assistance]

The company would like to keep its employees at least somewhat sane. Please refer to your fellow employees for socialisation or visit the nearby relaxation vault.