CEO of Aperture Scienece

Cave Johnson here ,CEO of Aperture Science. All potential test candidates, please send your submissions to the box bellow. For all potential lawsuits please reffer to my lovely assistant Caroline @aperture-science-assistance Now let's make some science!

[aperture-labs-ceo]

Hello and welcome, to the Aperture Science official online communication channel! My name is Cave Johnson and i own the place. From now on... any and all of your curious asks about the evolutionary progress of the mankinds latest experimental innovations can be answered just within the reach of your hand. Unless it's complains and law affiliated material... hand that unprofessional stuff to our assistance will ya? They'll take care of it.

Otherwise, we are more than happy to have you here.

If you are an information-starved bypasser... we are happy to see you! You're halfway on your path to become the next Einstein. Just as long as you keep asking questions.

If you are somebody who is in dire need of 60 dollars... we have you covered as well. You can now become the humanity's next greatest archievement by joining our testing program. Place your submissions into the submisstion box handled by our submissions affiliated department and become a test candidate today!

NOW LET'S MAKE SOME SCIENCE!!!

[aperture-hr-official]

() ( @rattmann-offical)

() (There’s an orangutan on the loose in the facility.)

() (It ran out of my ship right after I got back in my parking spot. I don’t know where it came from or where it currently is. It got out about 10 minutes ago.)

() (Also I think it was wearing glasses..?)

[aperture-labs-ceo]

*sighhh* Greg? You know that it's against the contract law to disturb the peace of the work environment. Goddamnit! Do your Job!!!

[hl1-freeman]

Guess who fell into the nuclear reactor today! :D

[hlof-shephard]

Well stay in your natural habitat

[hl1-freeman]

You want me in your walls, Shephard?

[officialverse-ventgremlin]

What is wrong with you people.

[hl1-freeman]

Nothing I’m literally perfect.

[officialverse-ventgremlin]

Dr. Freeman do you have any idea how many of the HR complaints from sector C are about you specifically?

Any? at all??

It’s a good 43%, Gordon.

Damn near half of the complaints are about you climbing through the vents and causing noise, brutalizing casseroles and switching the lights off on your coworkers.

If there’s nothing wrong with you then @rattmann-offical has a few personality quirks and is otherwise completely normal.

[rattmann-offical]

Mean. If there's nothing wrong with Gordon there's nothing wrong with me too. I don't do a lot more than him. Eating mold and courting the equipment doesn't count! @aperture-hr-official tell them!!

[aperture-hr-official]

-{Douglas why are you eating mold}

-{You could have just asked me or Ike for ANY other kind of foodstuffs.}

-{We have the means to get them.}

[henry-the-labboy-offical]

Since when does Aperture care about what we eat??

[aperture-labs-ceo]

Aperture Science has gone out of it's way to ensure a one warm and nutriciously rich meal per employee per day. I have personally taken care of that. Of couse as a way of trying to cut the costs of these excessive employee spa rituals, we tried to experiment with invention of various very-safely-made dietary alternatives... Let's just say the human ecosystem does NOT favor man-burgers and other lab-made snacks.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I think you and @rattmann-offical would get along!!

We do. As long as the work gets done.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Once again. I'm the one who still has a job in your time, ma'am. And he has some fuckery going on. Not sure what, but he always sounds, like, very traumatized.. and honestly that gives me a weird feeling..

[aperture-science-assistance]

Time is a social construct. As far as I’m aware, both of you are still employed by Aperture Science. Though I must say I’d appreciate receiving more concerns regarding my own timeline. Dr. Rattmann if you’re actively interacting with your future self I can’t imagine it feeling anything other than weird. For further notice I’d recommend limiting your contact with your counterpart, unless participating in one of Aperture Science’s tests.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

I thought the company wanted employees to socialize a bit. 🙄

[aperture-science-assistance]

The company would like to keep its employees at least somewhat sane. Please refer to your fellow employees for socialisation or visit the nearby relaxation vault.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

Wow so you're straight up suggesting me to take a break? Wow, that's new.

[aperture-science-assistance]

I’m suggesting you don’t collapse on our floor tiles. It would be preferable if you kept some of your sanity while you’re at it.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

what did I even expect. nobody here cares about us as human beings, huh? nothing new tho..

[aperture-labs-ceo]

I can't believe i have to repeat this...

Aperture Science is a company of many faces, and most importantly those of humans. You guys make this place a real deal. Afterall, it's your backs which the very foundation of this facility lays upon. Now why don't you go and proove my point by finally getting these papers off my desk my god Greg why is there so many??!

[aperture-hr-official]

I participated at the mysterious purple goo experiment and my arm fell off

() The adhesion gel testing? I remember that mostly causing vertigo and motion sickness, not limb loss.

() You’re not an amputee by any chance, are you? having weak joints and walking on the ceiling doesn’t seem like it’d cause either of your arms to fall off, so that’s the only explanation I can really think of.

() Anyway I can probably get and/or make you a new one

[aperture-labs-ceo]

Don't remember the lab boys telling me anything about performing tests on a "purple goo". Unless those rascals invented a new color of repulsion gel while i wasn't looking, i have no idea what are you talking about. In that case. God help you. That thing does NOT like the human skeleton.

[young-doug-rattmann-offical]

It's always fuckin something.

[aperture-labs-ceo]

Sure it is. You wouldn't want to have a bleak and empty company experience now, would you?

Unless you want to enhace your living experience by participating in the void chamber tests... I suppose then you people will finally be happy.

[hl1-freeman]

I hope everything I do pisses off Cave Johnson’s ghost.

[aperture-hr-official]

() (@cave-johnson-official)

[cave-johnson-official]

Everything your company does is borderline plagiarism! Stop stealing our ideas you vultures!

[rattmann-offical]

Ginny's so nice tho.

[hl1-freeman]

For real. I’m so nice. You should reward my niceness by slipping me the blueprints for the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device.

[aperture-hr-official]

() (I don’t have the schematics but there are a CRAP ton of these things lying around the enrichment centre.)

() (Here ya go, Dr. Freeman.)

() (It’ll only really work on concrete but there’s plenty of that around the places you usually end up.)

[rattmann-offical]

Erm, actually,-

[aperture-hr-official]

() (I’m well aware that it’s designed for firing portals onto moonrock based surfaces, Doug, but we made do with concrete and plaster just fine before Cave bought any of that overpriced lunar slag.)

[rattmann-offical]

I might have bad news but whatever. @hl1-freeman this gun is more expensive than the entire Black Mesa used to be. Handle with care.

[aperture-science-assistance]

The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device is not expensive Black Mesa is just cheap, hope this helps.

[aperture-hr-official]

() (That explains why we have so many extra ones just lying around pretty much everywhere that isn’t a test chamber..)

[aperture-labs-ceo]

YOU illiterate MORONS!

None of the officially licenced Aperture Science products will be given out, ESPECIALLY to our arch nemesis! That's it. You're fired. All of you. Done. Goodbye.

Goddamnit you people WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR??? I can't believe i'm employing these people...

[aperture-labs-ceo]

is your lovely assistant single *lip bite*

Sorry folks, she's married... to science!

[aperture-science-assistance]

laughter house? I love to laugh!

Thank you for your interest in the test candidate program. Please refer to the left wing of our facility towards “the laughing chamber”. You’ll receive further instructions once the test starts.

[aperture-labs-ceo]

I just recieved some not-so-great news that the tests regarding "the laughing chamber" have been postponed indefinitely. Our greatest condolences go to the families affected by the recent events. You have all contributed greatly to the society. So i've been told.

[deadelated]

we all have the homie that's a cautionary tale

[deadelated]

had

[aperture-hr-official]

() (@rattmann-offical)

() (I know you’re alive but like)

() (Still.)

[rattmann-offical]

@henry-the-labboy-offical 🫵

[henry-the-labboy-offical]

Oh screw you

[aperture-hr-official]

() (Doug’s not wrong.)

() (Though frankly I don’t know what you did that I’m supposed to avoid doing.)

[henry-the-labboy-offical]

Building rogue ai? Believing in it? Believing in yourself? Dying of neurotoxin?? Hell if I know which one.

[aperture-hr-official]

() (Probably that first one.)

() (Which means I’ve already screwed at least part of the warning up.)

[officialverse-ventgremlin]

Jesus H Christ is EVERYONE who works at Aperture this incompetent?? do NONE of you stop to think before you do something?!

[aperture-labs-ceo]

The darn handsome devils themselves... I assure you that none of the employee and lab boy personel we keep under our roof are a waste of resources. We figured that out by cutting the living costs in half while you were busy being a bunch of dickheads. Here in Aperture we have the best of the best, practicing REAL and 100% pure authentic science! But you keep doing your job, turns out the incompetence might be a good thing for us. The new management is just around the corner. So, hang in there.

And Caroline? @aperture-science-assistance Send death threat to Black Mesa.