I'm gonna remove Tumblr from my phone for a bit. It's my main way of using it, and my mental health was already... not great... the past month or so, and there's been a lot of stuff going on beyond that. Having a constant untagged stream of disasters I can't do anything about (I don't blame people who want to draw attention to the fires in Australia, or their most recent friend to be in desperate need, or the neverending slew of shit coming out of the country I'm trapped in) it's starting to make my brain... Glitch?
Like I encounter stress, I read a new Hot Take on how people are ignoring or reacting incorrectly to some disaster, and the very first answer I come up with are extremely unhealthy ones.
So I'm safe, there's no morbid reason for me disappearing, I'm just finally putting my oxygen mask on.
Hooooo boy, itâs been a while. Iâm not sure if anyone I know is still active, but hereâs an update I will title:
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY, IT KNOWS WHATâS UP. (Mild suicidal ideation tw)
Obviously, worldly shit has gotten even more stressful since I made the last post (what a year itâs been, that Australiaâs wildfires seem so ancient?)Â
The âbrain glitchâ I was talking about was depression. Big, nasty depression, worsened by a stressful job at an essential business that suddenly got incredibly busy with a stressful boss that was requiring me to work 10-15 hour days and oh, also... over a decade of ignoring chronic pain, which was finally coming to collect. I realized something was wrong because several times I had to choose to take a different route home so I wouldnât be tempted by steep dropoffs as I drove home.
I reluctantly stopped telling myself the same things my parents told me (âIf you can walk, itâs not that bad!â, âThe only context weâll give you for the numerical pain scale is a 10 is âTake me to the hospital right nowâ!â, âYou donât want to be ~dramatic~, right?!â) and went to the doctor about the pain through my whole body instead of trying to piecemeal it into manageable, less âoverdramaticâ chunks.
Turns out I have fibromyalgia.
Turns out thereâs medications for that. And that thereâs no âwalking offâ the pain (that just makes it worse), but working within your limitations actually helps like no OTC medication did.
So Iâve stepped down from my stressful position and limited my hours (six hour shifts means they canât guilt me into staying later because Iâll get a meal violation, which they can be fined for), started seeing a doctor and taking medication that actually targets the root of the problem. Iâve started paying attention to my body when it says Iâve stressed it too much, rather than telling it to buckle down and shut up. (And as a bonus, the stressful boss got promoted to the âCovid-19 Response Teamâ, which means sheâs never in the building and isnât my manager anymore.) And Iâve put a very conscious limit on my âbad news intakeâ per day/week.
As a result, my mental health has stabilized considerably (not just my depression, but my anxiety and brain fog too! Theyâre comorbid with fibro! Who fucking knew!!), my pain is becoming something I can manage and plan around to a degree, and Iâve actually made baby steps toward being creative again. Iâve been able to help around the house for the first time in months. I keep joking that I donât know who this person is that I keep seeing glimpses of, but Iâd like to have her over more often.
So, for my friends that have made it this far in my ramble: Iâm okay! Iâm doing way better, in fact! Iâm not coming back to Tumblr yet, but I usually check my Instagram (jackrabbitheart) on a regular basis and from there I can give you my other forms of contact if needed. Mwah.
