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[arcacapsa-blog]

All of Me.

Dear God...as I'm growing in my understanding of humility, I'm learning that humility is really about letting go of the character traits that stand in the way of my relationship with you...giving You all of the me that is separate from You, the good and the bad, so that You will constantly build me in Your image. This means that humility is not getting down on my hands and knees out of shame or embarrassment, but rather handing over my flaws and then being willing to let Your light shine through me. I used to think humility was about dampening my enthusiasm and not doing anything that would draw attention from others. While it's important to avoid prideful behaviors, I now see I am called to serve as a witness to Your love and grace, which often leads to accepting and expressing Your Spirit with love and exuberance. I say all of this because that means Arca Capsa is not just a place for me to give away my problems or struggles. It's a place for me to give away everything, to trust You with all of me and my life. So today, I give you my home, my love and the success I've had with remaining abstinent and respectful towards others in the last 24 hours. I haven't been perfect, but I have made progress...but really it's You who has done the real work. I'm also giving you the presentation I'm working on for next week's job interview. My progress is slow, and I have a lot of resistance to doing the work, but I trust that if I keep showing up and doing it little by little, You will make sure the outcome is as You would have it be. Thank you for Your love and grace and truth. In Jesus's good name I pray. Amen.

[arcacapsa-blog]

Humility.

Dear God…I over ate last night and tonight I am craving a fourth meal. It’s been a week since my last abstinent day. But I want a day beyond food. So I’m giving you my craving and trusting you to take care of the rest. This is rough.

Amen.

[arcacapsa-blog]

Food.

Dear God...I'm embarrassed to be reaching out to you again, but the temptations are fierce. I know I want to stay healthy and in this moment, living life, feeling my feelings. But I also want just one more bite...which will undoubtedly become yet another binge...and tomorrow's repeat journal entry, "I did it again." I'm tired of doing the same thing, and I'm afraid of doing the unknown. So for now, I give you my obsession AND my fear, Lord. Please show me the next right thing and if You'd be so kind, maybe offer a touch of extra strength to carry me through this vulnerable time. I'm grateful right now for the opportunity to pause and call on you. And for the sun that's shining outside. "Go out and soak it up," I hear you say. "Well, twist my arm!" Amen.

[arcacapsa-blog]

Dear God…Every day when I come home from any outing the first thing I want to do is go straight into the kitchen and lose myself in the food. But something has shifted, and food just isn’t a good lover anymore. Truthfully, it never was, but I didn’t know I deserved better until You entered my heart.

I still struggle with temptations, though, Lord. And today is one of those days. I’d like to think I’m not taunted by the whispers that beckon me to have “just one bite,” but it would be worse to deny the attraction. It really is like divorcing an awful lover.

So, for today, God, I’m handing over this abusive ex and my continued obsession with it. As I type these words I feel fear. I don’t know if I can do it. My mind tells me it’s only a matter of time before I go back. But Your love trumps all cravings. At least that’s what I hear, and what I’m slowly beginning to believe, as I somewhat reluctantly open my heart to You. Please be gentle with me. I’m feeling bruised and battered and very exposed without my cloak of numbness.

But in this moment, I also feel the subtle stirring of excitement, as the child within pokes her head out of the cave… And for now, I’ll find my thrill in the Light beyond that dark cavern, where Your love outshines all obstacles.

Amen.

[arcacapsa-blog]

Distractions

Dear God...every day I set out to remain focused on my plans and intentions, and yet I end up talking too long about unimportant ephemera, gossiping and even using conversation about my faith as a way to distract myself from what needs to be done. Please lift my distracted nature and redirect my thoughts to be a focused, dedicated hard worker. Help me to love You by doing the work set before me, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Help me to know you are in control and worthy of my efforts and love. Amen.

[arcacapsa-blog]

Food.

Dear God...I can’t handle my problem with food anymore. I’ve been trying to for far too long, and I clearly have no control over it. Tonight was another of the hundreds of nights when I chose to eat instead of living life. The shame and guilt I feel right now are nothing compared to how I will feel in the morning, when the haze has lifted and my nerves are raw. I will crave comfort in food, or sleep...anything to lessen the pain of feeling life in the real. 

But I’ve had a taste of Your grace, and though walking Your path is terrifying at times, it is also full of love. 

I’m getting all poetic here when really I am here to give you this screwed up relationship with food and to ask that you show me the life that lies beyond food and how to live that life. I want to want You more than anything else. Please show me Your way and teach me to be more like Jesus. (Did I really just say that? Yes, yes I did. And though that, alone, terrifies me, I know it is the path you are calling me to walk.) Thank You...for Your strength, for Your love, for Your Son...and for the courage and inspiration to start arca capsa.

I am scared, and all is well in You.

Amen.

[arcacapsa-blog]

Let’s Do This.

Dear God…Okay. So, I’ve been told about this thing called a God Box where people put the things they’re struggling with, and then they let go and let you handle it from there. I’ve tried this before, scribbling on tiny sheets of paper and placing those scraps into a small wooden box. But that box is limited, both in accessibility and space. So here’s my workaround: ARCA CAPSA (I know you already know this, but they are two Latin words for box - arca having more to do with a divine box, and capsa being a more generic box. The two put together sounded nice and made sense, what with the generic nature of the internet as a receptacle for more holy intentions.) 

It feels strange to be writing all of this, especially since you already know it. But that’s beside the point. The point! Yes, the point of this is to have a place to put the stuff I just can’t hold onto any longer. Small or big, petty or significant, old issues or new dilemmas, it doesn’t matter. I’m giving them to you, making room for the more important work you would have me do. So…let’s do this.

Amen.