The silence that ensued felt neither uncomfortable norintrusive, and Felicity found herself relaxing, the tautness leaving hershoulders, so that she could pull them slightly up and closer to her ears anddisappear in the soft embrace of her loose cardigan. Whether he did not noticeher short burst of painfully raw emotions, or simply chose to ignore it –Felicity didn’t know, but she felt grateful for the moment she was offered toonce again recollect her thoughts, take in a few shuddering breaths and easeinto the idea of his presence beside her. She was usually more careful thanthis, and at any other time, any other night, she probably would’ve disappearedback into the building long ago, instead of sitting so close to some strangershe barely knew the name of. But she felt acutely empty tonight, after thedreams that had plagued her mind, and she was afraid of all the monsterslurking under her bed if she returned to her room - an utterly childish notion, she knew, butwhen was fear ever rational? Andtherefore, even the risk of getting hurt by this strange man here where no onewould witness it but themselves, felt safer than being alone with her mind. Sheturned her head slightly then, leaned her cheek against her knees, arms stillwrapped around them as she tried to minimize her entire being and the space shewas taking up. From this position, she could only see the contours of his body,the hair which seemed blonde under the scarce light of the moon serving as acurtain so that she couldn’t quite tell apart the emotions that crossed hisfeatures. But the indifferent, lethargic rise and fall of his shoulders was anindicator enough that he wasn’t particularly fond of his name, and that perhapshe needed another moment for the thoughts that seemed to plague his mind too.Felicity fell silent then, her eyes tracing the familiar lines of the city inthe distance as she seemed to once again fall into the comfortable, quietnumbness, that was until she saw the man shift again. She tensed for a splitsecond, muscles involuntarily twitching to that alert fight-or-flight statethat she had become all too familiar with over the years – but all of that dissipatedwhen she saw it wasn’t a weapon, but a crumpled cigarette pack, and instantlyshe felt entirely ridiculous. She watched his fingers twist and turn the pack,watched him drag one cigarette out of the case, the sound of paper grindingagainst paper – her senses seemed heightened more than ever, now in the dead ofnight. She fumbled with her own pack then, fingers unused to this feeling ofcigarette between them, and she held it in her hand when the open flamedistracted her, and she felt drawn to look at it. Eyes trained on theflickering light, the only one here in the darkness of the rooftop, she countedthe seconds it took him to exhale for no apparent reason, other than it calmedher. But just as she watched the smoke leave his lips and shift and swirl into unnameableshapes, she was startled once again half by the sudden way his voice filled thesilence, and half by the content of his words. Her hand quivered slightly, theunlit cigarette slipping between her fingers only to hit the edge of the roofonce, and disappear into the darkness beneath. Embarrassment at this mishap wasnot a particularly conscious reaction, and before she knew it, warmth had creptup her cheeks and painted their paleness a fine shade of pink, and she stoppedstaring at him to downcast her eyes to the cigarette package in her lap. Shefumbled with it, nervously trying to get another cigarette out and onlymanaging to dig herself deeper until she saw no other solution than to think about his words. “He wouldn’t havebeen worth it.”, she said finally, albeit weakly, and she succeeded inproducing another cigarette and bringing it close to her lips. When she looked athim again, he seemed tense, like he himself had been surprised by his own wordsas much as she was, and his hair had fallen further to his face and created abarrier between them. That was good, she spoke more easily when she didn’t haveto look and be seen, “An eye for an eyewill only make the whole world blind.”, she bit her lip, to stop herselffrom saying anything more pretentious than that, though it was all in bestintention, “It’s okay. We all have thoughts like those. It’s what we act uponthat matters.” She understood his discomfort, but didn’t know what else to sayto make him feel less uneasy – all she wanted to do was let him know she wasnot the kind of person to judge, violence was a part of us all, and she couldsee why someone would want to hurt the monsters that still roamed this city. Shesmiled then, a slight curling of the corners of her lips, when she noticed himgetting the hair out of the way and finally turning to look at her, but foundthat her smile nearly faltered and fell when she saw him smile. His featuresseemed unused to such genuine display, but it was a nice smile, a warm smile,and she could not help but notice the dimple that appeared there for a moment,before disappearing as solemnness set back in. She smiled back, though herslingered a bit longer – she was always smiling, after all, and she felt ratherstrange when she was too solemn for too long. “Yes, thank you.”, leaningforward she stabilised the cigarette with her fingers, pulled her hair backslightly so it wouldn’t get caught in the flame, and took a long, deliberatedrag once the tobacco caught fire. The smoke drifted into her lungs, pushingitself through the narrowed vessels, poisoning her – and she closed her eyesand enjoyed the sweetness of this particular kind of self-destruction. Noticingshe had not moved from her leaned position, she quickly returned to herhalf-curled form at a safe distance, cigarette slightly quivering, unstablebetween her cold fingers. “That’s alright, I can call you Archie.”, she saidapologetically, still trying to get familiar with the aftertaste of tobacco inher mouth, “I always liked my name simply because my mom gave it to me. But tobe completely honest…”, after taking a long drag from the cigarette, andholding it in for a few moments, she turned her head again to look at him, “Ifind it a bit ironic. It stands for Latin felicitaswhich means luck or good fortune.”, the smile that curved her lips then wasslightly darker than her previous ones, a bit more sardonic, however sardonic agirl like her could get, “Life loves playing jokes on us, don’t you think?”
‘That’s bullshit.’ He thought as an immediate response to her words of seeming pacifism. The guy only got about five years, five years didn’t mean shit. He did things Archie, even being the twisted fuck he was, had never thought of, not even in passing. It took a lot for Archie to get involved in those lives that he spectated, it really took a lot and he couldn’t help but think that five years didn’t even begin to cover it. The man deserved a guillotine, a public execution and the word ‘asshole’ scrawled across his decapitated head. He knew after her reaction he should drop it, just let it go and shrug it off but now he couldn’t. It hadn’t really even bothered him that much, not until tonight, but suddenly it felt like the most important conversation he’s ever had, and he’s had some pretty damn important conversations. He struggled to find the right words, he didn’t want to set her off but she needed to know that it was inexcusable, that killing him would’ve been merciful compare to what he truly deserved. He wasn’t even thinking about the man in the apartment anymore, he was thinking abouther, about the girl sitting next to him who was obviously damaged. Someone did something, something like what the now convicted offender did to that girl. No one deserves that, male or female, adult or child, kind or rude, it doesn’t matter. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment, especially from someone they trust. Archie takes pride in the fact that he’s never hit anyone, not in all his years or through any of his experiences. This, of course, isn’t to say he’d never had his ass kicked, because that wasn’t true, he most certainly had, many times, actually, but he never fought back. He was sure he could if he wanted to, but in a fight or flight situation, he always chose flight. He hated confrontation, and running was easy. It was perhaps also apart of his flaws, he never dealt with anything. He was good at hiding, and he was good at ignoring. It had it’s positive moments, and it’s negative. “You know what saying I find completely idiotic?” He turned his head, gazing at her face for a moment and sucking another breath off his cigarette before forcing himself to look back at the ground. ‘Don’t look at her for too long, Archie. That’s a dangerous thing.’ He reminded himself silently. “Forgive and forget.” He finally stated. “I always thought that was a horrible phrase.” He waited another moment, dragging on the nicotine as if his body depended on it, which if he was being honest, it probably did. “Forgiveness is a construct made to make the guilty feel lighter. The person who was wronged never feels any better after saying the words ‘I forgive you,’ if anything, they usually feel worse.” At least in his experience. Every time he ever heard it, he could feel the reluctance that rolled off of it. The underlying anger that still burned like a coal in the belly of the one who was hurt. It’s like letting a criminal out early for ‘good behavior.’That person who shot that guy in that alley way isn’t any less of a murderer just because he didn’t shank anybody during his punishment. He still killed that man. They’re dead and they’re never coming back. That killer ruined a family and relationships and the entire judicial system knows it too, but it’s okay, because he can hold the cell door open for his fucking roommate at bedtime. His past crime can be forgiven because, well, there’s no fixing it now. “And as for forgetting… Well, we all know that’s a god damn lie, don’t we?” He didn’t look back at her, no matter how much his instincts told him to. They screamed at him to search for her reaction on her face, to look for any signs of disagreement or anger, but he didn’t. He kept his eyes trained on the lights in some of the windows across the street. He couldn’t help but force a short chuckle and he shook his head a little. “I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just a pessimistic asshole who needs to learn to let things go.” He shrugged his shoulders again before looking up to the sky, void of all stars from the light pollution of New York City. He supposed the planes taking off from JFK worked just as well, but the noise tended to detract from the beauty. What an odd thing as that was the case with most people too. They could be beautiful, they could have a perfect construction of bones and skin and yet the second they make noise, they’re ruined forever. All people spew lies, it’s human nature, and yet he felt as if this girl, Felicity, hadn’t lied yet. He could usually tell, he knew what lies felt like, what they sounded like. Lies sounded like a low growl, a tight throat, and empty words, and yet her voice continued to ring clear. He didn’t know what emotions he felt towards her, and he wasn’t sure if it was a positive development. Archie didn’t have friends for a reason, he was toxic. He carried a black cloud around on a string, like the saddest balloon in existence, and whenever the wind blew, those around him tended to get sprayed with the droplets of freezing rain. He knew he couldn’t look back at her face, but instead he spared a glance at her hands, or, well, hand. One was brought to her mouth with the cigarette and he knew he couldn’t follow those fingers with his eyes. He couldn’t allow himself to glance at her small, delicate features, now lit up by the orange cherry of a cigarette as she takes a breath of death. That’s a sight he was sure he wouldn’t tear away from, and he was smarter than to tie himself up in that web, so he kept his eyes aptly on the one hand that strayed from her face. Small, pale fingers and red flush under her nail beds. Somehow they fit her perfectly. Oh, the struggle of being human despite feeling so very far from it. The draw of attraction was a hell of a thing, it caused bias and unnecessary flusters. He knew there was a reason he didn’t talk to people in high school, he was basically a bomb of knotted physical appreciation, he was, after all, an artist of sorts. He couldn’t help but think he should’ve stood up and left when he had the chance, but he couldn’t now, it would hurt her feelings, he knew it would, he could feel it. So he stayed put, dragging his dark eyes to his own hands now. One shaking slightly with a cigarette gripped between it’s fingers and the other laid flat in the space between his legs and hers, his hand had been a support beam, holding him up almost the whole conversation. It’s nail beds where white with pressure and his nails were chewed down. He found himself disgusted because his hands were somehow very much like him as well, but in a much less endearing sense. He was getting distracted, his own brain being jumbled and disoriented by her presence and he silently called himself a little bitch for letting something as trivial as a cute girl scramble his thoughts, the one thing he knew to control and truly prized. He sighed a loud after what felt like another eon of silence with him drowning in his own pool of rambling thoughts before he finally found his voice again. “Life is a joke all on its own, we’re just the punchline every now and then.”