spent two weeks travelling to xiāan, jiayuguan (only 2 days), and Dunhuang (about a week). I feel low. Iāve been reading anti-SJ stuff (not strictly right-wing, but psychoanalytic approaches to thinking about the problems of group dynamics, of the social structures that exist around SJ, and the people who end up on top of it), watching Westworld, and reading existential lit (I read the Stranger, some Dosotevsky, and Iām reading Tolstoy at the moment).
I spoke with an ex I hadnāt had a serious conversation with in years. I did try to mollify her, but I did my best not to pander, or to give answers that were too easy or convenient. She seemed really sad, and she seems to continue to want to talk to me, but also to continue to blame me or to look for something that I simply do not have for her.
Itās weird talking to her and not feeling as if my world will end if I say or do something problematic. She can ask me to do stuff, but she probably wonāt, and none of it will be that bad if she does. The worst thing anyone can do to me is abandon me, and sheās not able to do that , especially since I was the one who made the choice to take space from her.
So whatās left? The things that hurt most happened in the midst of intimacy, or as part of accusations that I was being a patriarchal monster of some sort. I was afraid of being accused of leaving her for wei in a very scummy way. I was afraid of her telling me that Iām violent or sexually aggressive.
This time, though, Iām making no promises of being a good person. Iām making no promises that things will be better, and sheās also able to kind of own her part in everything- saying that she was a bad girlfriend or whatever, and saying that Iām too harsh on myself (though, she backed off from that one lmao)
I dunno. I feel weird and empty. She wants to talk about stuff, and I donāt think I can give her the answers she wants.Ā
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