Iāve made it no secret on here, on social media, or privately among friends, that Iāve struggled with depression most of my life. I was diagnosed with situational depression when I was 18, then re-diagnosed with bi-polar II and ADD only a few years ago. Iāve struggled with multiple suicide attempts. Two major ones were February 27, 2000, and this past New Years. Iāve struggled to find joy in things I once loved: pro-wrestling, comics, exercise, yoga, etc. I felt like a burden on everyone around me. Iād lost hope of a future for myself.
Fearing turning 40-years-old and feeling like an unaccomplished loser was my breaking point last New Years. Turning 40 this year didnāt help matters, either. Any time I made any headway in recovering, something pulled me back down. Even though I continued attending the yoga teacher training at Therapeutic Approach Yoga Studio (TAYS), I still couldnāt get my hopes up on anything. I hadnāt been doing my homework and as the final weekend loomed, I hadnāt done any practice teaching of my own. I dreaded teaching the final practical class. My friend and classmate Alesia helped me put together a great sequence. So that upcoming Friday still caused anxiety, but not quite as much.
However, something more interesting happened that same Friday, June 22, 2018.
Cranberry Lake view from the biking trail.
See, ever since I moved to Halifax five years ago, I would sometimes go for long rides on the BLT biking trail. Along the way, right beside the Bluff Wilderness Hiking Trail, I saw Cranberry Lake. Like many lakes, large rocks were scattered around it, including some rather flat-looking ones. And for years, I thought, āIt would be so cool to hike over to one of those rocks, roll out my yoga mat, and practice yoga in the sun.ā
But I never didā¦until that Friday, June 22. I donāt know what finally motivated me to do it, but I packed up my stuff, including one of my yoga mats, and biked to Cranberry Lake. After finding a path through the woods, I explored the lakeās shoreline to find the rocks Iād spotted from a distance. I climbed up to the rocks and saw the view. It wasā¦amazing. It immediately felt so tranquil.
I rolled out my mat and did a short, 30-minute sequence, most of which taken from my own sequence Iād put together with Alesia earlier in the week. The sun felt so warm and the wind cool. It was tricky at first because the rock Iād chosen was a little uneven. And falling off meant a not-too-high-but-high-enough hazardous drop. So I took what I learned from TAYS and ground my feet for a stable foundation. From my vantage point, I saw the odd cyclist zoom by. Once in awhile, one would stop for a break and I think saw me out there, briefly watching me before leaving. I didnāt mind. I wasnāt doing this to show off and I enjoyed the practice far too much.
After I finished, I calmly rested in a cross-legged seated position. Even with the noise of passing cars on the highway not too far away, it felt tranquil. So I decided to do something Iāve struggled with for years: I tried meditating.
At first, I struggled. With meditating, I could never keep my focus on anything. Meditation always frustrated me. Iād shift, fidget, and couldnāt stop my mind from wandering. We meditated often in TAYS. One of our first times, all my insecurities bubbled to the surface and I broke down crying. Cleo Burke, one of the TAYS teachers (and also a therapist), helped me through that breakdown with some breathing exercises.
I decided to try one of the meditative techniques that TAYS ā specifically Mike Munro ā taught me: object focusing. Rather than keeping my eyes closed (like I always thought you had to in meditating), I focused on something in front of me. In class, it was something a few feet in front of us, like a pencil. On the lake, though? I focused on the lake. I watched the direction of its flow, how the wind might create ripples. I heard the cars drive by. The birds singing. The wind blowing. And instead of focusing on them, I merely accepted they were there and went back to my breathing.
I felt likeā¦I actually got it. I was meditating! I wasĀ totallyĀ meditating! Meditation City! Population: Nick!
But then, as often happens when I try meditating, negative thoughts seeped into my head. āWhy didnāt you soon this sooner?ā āYou shouldāve done this sooner.ā āIt took youĀ thisĀ long to get out here? You idiā¦ā
And then I stopped, frowned, and thought, āNo. Iām here. I made it. Iām hereĀ nowĀ andĀ thatāsĀ what matters. Iām here.ā Part of me actually got mad at the negative thoughts, like I was telling them to piss off. It was the first time that I recall in my whole like that I was able toĀ activelyĀ push away a negative thought. Normally, I could only rethink a negative thought in retrospect.
With that, my meditating actually felt deeper and calmer. When I was done, my head felt clearer thanā¦well, I honestly canāt remember when I felt this good.
Later that afternoon, I started my last weekend at TAYSā yoga teacher training. Saturday evening, after the whole class went to dinner one last time. My dread and worry grew because Iād have teach my class when we got back. But the class started well, where I talked about how this wasnāt an end, but a transition from students to teachers. Exceptā¦I couldnāt hide my nerves. I felt like I screwed up everything, especially speaking any secondary cues (āLift the arms, pull the belly inā). My anxiety got so bad that I had to ask Mike (one of our instructors) that I had to stop. The girls were supportive, pushing me to finish, but I couldnāt. I broke down. Despite many kind words about the class ā especially its structure and transitions ā I couldnāt stop crying. Mike even said it was one of the more professional sequences heās seen from a student. I shook my head and cried, āNope. Too high. Too high a complimentā because I didnāt believe it.
Despite everything, despite my hardships and struggles, I received my certificate. Our final Sunday was filled with happiness and sadness, but it was a good final day.
But something extraordinary happened ever since that weekend:
I havenāt been depressed. Not once. I canāt even say Iāve been down. Still frustrated with things in my life, but depressed? Down in the dumps? Not even remotely.
In the past two months, things have changed for me. I started working at a call center, which means full time hours, benefits, stability. I started on the keto diet, which means cutting out heavy carbs and sugar. Iāve been getting up almost every day at 5:30 or 6:00 AM and going for runs and sometimes doing yoga, as well, if I have time. Since I started training at the new job on July 8 to today (August 8), Iāve lost at least 12 pounds.
I learned I take great joy in practicing yoga and meditating outside. Iāve returned to āmyā rock several times, finding joy and tranquility every time. Twice, I got up before the sun rose, biked out āmyā rock, and greeted the sunrise, doing literal Sun Salutations (a warm-up yoga sequence). I did yoga and meditated on a rock at Cleveland Beach. I even did yoga and meditation on the Halifax waterfront, which was good practice for blocking out all the noise around me.
I honestly donāt what did it that suddenly changed my brain chemistry to feel so positive. But I keep coming back to that epiphany on that rock:Ā I am here. My positivity seems to track right back to that meditative practice on that rock.Ā I canāt remember the last time I felt so good about myself. In fact, I donāt know if IāveĀ everĀ felt this stable and optimistic. At times, I feel like a completely different person, which is almost scary because Iām afraid of going back to where Iāve been before, mentally speaking.
I donāt feel like the same Nick that attempted suicide 8 months ago. Hell, I donāt feel like the same Nick Iāve been for the past 40 years.
Heh, it reminds me of Alan Mooreās Swamp Thing run. In one of the best moments, Swamp Thing states, āYouā¦have neverā¦encounteredā¦meĀ before,ā regarding his own recent epiphany about himself. Thatās how I feel these days:Ā I barely recognize myself these days. But I mean that in a positive way.
IĀ likeĀ this new person Iāve become or becoming. IĀ likeĀ New Nick. I donāt want Old Nick to return. He might. My depression has always been cyclical, butĀ I intend on workingĀ damnĀ hard to make sureĀ Old Nick doesnāt return.
You can stay away, Old Nick. You know why?
July 7, 2018. This is the sunrise that greeted me that day.
June 22, 2018. The view from āmyā rock.
#HaveMatWillTravel #DoYogaAnywhere
I Am Here ā Of Depression, Yoga, Meditation, and ProfoundĀ Epiphanies I've made it no secret on here, on social media, or privately among friends, that I've struggled with depression most of my life.
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