So I have mostly figured out the asexual part but itâs really complicated to me to figure out the romantic part, like I donât know if what I think that were crushes were indeed crushes or thatâs what I would like to think. It gets a loooot more difficult because I am a hopeless romantic and I LOVE reading fluff stories and they make me want a romantic relationship, that âwantâ only lasts for a few minutes (or itâs only that moment and then I move on). I had only one boyfriend (Iâm 18 btw) when I was 9yo and our ârelationshipâ ended when we were 12 I think? I wouldnât call it a relationship because we barely talked to each other (I was shy around him) and I only gave him a peck because we were playing a game with my classmates, also I thought that it was the best when he was away of meÂż? Idk. Also when I was older I had like only two (or one) crushes in boys that I didnât meet and maybe other five (less than 5 but I love lying to me, sorry) in people that I met but I didnât want a romantic relationship with them, maybe I thought that I would like to date them but if we didnât that was okay too. But I never had a physical response to crushes, like you are supposed to feel butterflies in your stomach and all of that right? I only thought about two of them randomly and that I would date them but I never did sth to date them. Also I would avoid dating with sb because I was reaaaally busy with school (I literally slept when I was free and saw my friends rarely out of school so that was a excuse) and if sb said that they were interested in me I would literally run away, like I would be like âwhyyyy, why did I do to caught your attention??? stop liking me pleaseâ then I would crave for affection and cry because I wanted a partner to cuddle lol. I may use the greyromantic term because I think that I may have felt romantic attraction but I am not sure if I have felt it or not.
It would really help me to talk with someone on the aromantic spectrum to figure out about this. Lastly, English isnât my first language so that would be the why sth isnât well explained here, thanks<3
ree says: hi there :) donât worry about your english, you explained everything just fine! gosh, i totally understand how you feel! the romantic aspect of sexuality is SO CONFUSING. i also really love romances in tv and books and fanfiction and felt that want for a romantic relationship, so much so that i bounced from straight to bi to pan to lesbian before i was even willing to consider aromantic. i was always like âbut i canât be aro, i want to be in a romantic relationship!!â which isnât exactly how it works.
i think part of the problem that makes it so hard for some people like you and i to find a label and define our own feelings towards romance is heteronormativity, which is essentially the idea that being cishet and wanting romantic / sexual intimacy is the only way to be.
for anyone reading this who hasnât heard of this term and isnât sure quite what iâm talking about, take the nuclear family as an example. so much of society (western in particular) is based around the general idea that a family consists primarily, if not completely, of a cisgender man and a cisgender woman and their eventual kids, and occasionally a grandparent if theyâre feeling quirky (which is dumb. a family can be any group of people, blood-related or not). weâre taught by society basically from birth that couples are The Most Important Thing Ever and if you donât wanna end up Alone, you need to find someone of the opposite gender to fall in love with Or Else!!
this can be extremely alienating if you fit into any category besides cishet, or even if youâre just not that keen on that kind of partnership. romance is such a central idea to so many societies that i think a lot of aro people have trouble identifying their lack of romantic feelings. like, weâre taught that a boy being mean to a girl in gradeschool is because he has a crush on her instead of him just being rude, and weâve come to expect that when a man and a woman make eye contact for longer than 4 seconds on TV that theyâre in love or at least attracted to each other. itâs everywhere. and itâs like, when romantic subtext is apparently in everything to some people, and they feel it all the time, we go âi guess i feel this thing, since everybody else seems to?â and itâs a little confusing, but we go along with it and just assume that itâs there since it seems to be so prevalent literally everywhere.
it took me 4 different romantic relationships to realize that i donât like romantic things. i donât want to be with someone romantically, i donât like holding hands or cuddling or kissing or hanging out with people in situations with romantic subtext. i donât want any of it and whether or not i would be okay with participating in those things depends entirely on who i would be doing it with. however, i do want to have a partner someday, someone to share my life with, who will hold me when i cry and give me a kiss on the cheek when they leave for work! i want to be someoneâs most important person, without all that romantic stuff. but since the only intimate partnerships we see in most mainstream media where any of that happens is when a cis man and a cis woman fall in romantic love, it becomes clear fairly quickly to any queer person that what we want is Not Normal, and occasionally feels unattainable and impossible.
itâs also easy to get confused with what you really want when you donât see any accurate examples of your own feelings around, which is why queer representation is so important. when the primary examples of intimacy you see are romantic, itâs understandable to assume that when you want someone who prioritizes you in a similar way, youâre wanting a romantic relationship, even if the romance aspect makes you feel uncomfortable, or when you really think about it or are offered the chance to be in a romantic relationship you donât want to do it.
my point is, you can want the same things that happen in romantic relationships without ever feeling romantic feelings towards someone or wanting that dynamic. you can want a partnership without the romantic aspects. and itâs not unattainable or impossible, it just isnât shown very often in media. humans existed for millennia before the concept of a nuclear family was born. we werenât always queerphobic and transphobic. it is possible to find the kind of relationship you want with another person on your terms, no matter what those terms are, as long as you communicate with them about your needs!
tl;dr you can have or want intimate relationships with other people and still be aromantic or somewhere on the spectrum.
some additional info: iâve seen some aro people use the term queerplatonic to describe the kind of relationship they want, and squishes to describe a non-romantic crush, or platonic attraction. iâve never personally felt like they fit me, but theyâre good terms and iâll give ya some links to basic definitions of them and if they feel right to you, i would recommend continuing to look into them! link to queerplatonic (aromantics wiki) link to queerplatonic (lgbta wiki) link to platonic attraction (squishes)
as to the physical response to crushesâ iâm aroace (have i mentioned that enough yet?), and iâve never experienced it before either. i get like swoopy nerves when iâm around people i think are cool, and i used to think those were butterflies, but it feels really similar to how it feels when i get an intrusive thought or something gives me anxiety, so⊠take that how you will, i guess. ultimately i think being aromantic is more than just any physical responses you get to people, but every aro person is different, and how i feel about that sort of thing is definitely not necessarily how every aro person feels.
feel free to message again if you wanna talk more about aro stuff!! :)
