"Why do you think Love Loses is so harmful, there's no love negativity in the Aro community!"
When I was around 12-13, I questioned if I was aro. I brought it up to my friend, who was an adult with an interest in psychology. He told me that if I had ever felt love, I couldn't be aromantic. I was told I was asexual, sure, but I couldn't be aromantic.
When I was around 14, I proudly identified as asexual.
When I was around 16, I looked into the Aro and Ace communities. Aces shoved me out for not being sex repulsed. And no, I wasn't being sexual or anything like that. I'd just said I wasn't sex repulsed. I saw love loses and thought back to that psychologist. I couldn't be Aro, I couldn't be Ace. So I opted for Bi and hid myself. I had not looked at the communities since because of this.
When I was around 17, due to lack of support and understanding of my AroAce identity, I got put in a situation where I didn't know what to do. Any flirting felt like cheating, even if platonic. I had a suicide attempt. My boyfriend had stated the phrase "I wish you were attracted to me" a few times and it hurt.
When I was in my early 20s, I sat there, wondering what was wrong with me. I felt "love". But I didn't know what to do. I was still ace, I knew that, but I felt broken. I couldn't love the right way, I couldn't feel sexual attraction, I didn't even know I was aro because of the previous statements and lack of support I'd received. I sat there and would do anything to assure I found my partners romantically attractive, to make up for the fact I lacked sexual attraction. My boyfriend, who didn't know he was Arospec for similar reasons, began to inadvertently sexually exploit me.
When I was in my mid 20s, it all came to a head. In my system, I began to torture myself and try to force myself, try to brainwash myself, somehow, in any way I could to feel romantic and sexual attraction, just to try and feel happy and secure in my relationship. I was at a point I wished conversion therapy worked. It was only at this point that my boyfriend saw how badly everything was affecting me and he apologized. I spoke more in depth on this situation already.
I'm inching closer to my 30s now. I joined a Discord server and began talking. They helped me realize I was AroAce, even Loveless. I sat there, happy yet dejected. I made this blog after experiencing pluralmisia from a rather big blog invalidating Alastor's AroAce identity and portraying him as a shipper for the crime of not caring about ship art. To find a safe space for us to speak about our issues within ourselves and the community.
My exclusion began before I even knew Tumblr was a website or that there were dedicated spaces for LGBTQ+ people.
Plain Text: My exclusion began before I even knew Tumblr was a website or that there were dedicated spaces for LGBTQ+ people. /End Plain Text.
My alternatives to Love Loses and explanation as to why I found it harmful after delving into my trauma with the exclusion was to give more visibility to those that felt hurt by it. Because if a small polycule of 3 were entangled in a mess of abuse, inadvertent or not, there may be more like that. But instead of any level of acknowledgement that there may be people who were harmed by the phrase, for any reason, I got screamed at and stalked and told I don't care about Loveless Aros. My identity was erased and apparently my trauma was invalidated and made fun of, someone made shit up about my trauma and claimed I was excluded because I excluded others.
I sit here, even to this day, wishing conversion therapy worked, because then maybe I can fix myself and stop being a freak for both Aros and Allos to gawk at. I came to this community, hoping for the support I never got as a confused teen, that led me to being abused, and instead of any level of understanding from this community, I had people assuming and making up shit about the abuse I faced.
That is why I feel it's a harmful phrase. Imagine being in denial for 15ish years because "You can't be Aro, you can love people" and that's what everyone told you from a young age, in such intense denial that you would do anything to prove you could love people, resulting in multiple people platonically, romantically, and sexually abusing you. Imagine excluding trauma survivors because they're so deeply traumatized from exclusion and abuse they faced.
I had never once said you can't say "love loses", I never once said people weren't harmed by love and romance being shoved down their throats. I never once said Loveless, Heartless, Aspec, romance-averse AroAces are invalid or bad. I never said love is inherent to be a good person.
I just wanted to give visibility to those who were hurt by such a commonly accepted joke within the community, because again, if just a small polycule of three systems were subjected to abuse because of the exclusion, there may be more that are too scared to speak up, or maybe they're still in denial like I was.
I wish I wasn't Aro. I wish I'd never made this blog.
This is very likely going to be my last post on here. It's been a run, but I'm out. Thanks for nothing.
