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this blog is retiring. I’m very grateful to this community and sorry to the people who have unanswered questions right now, but it’s time for us to officially shut down. the ask box will close and the pages are not up to date, but the blog and posts will stay up. if you’re here looking for advice I suggest looking for other blogs in the #actuallyaromantic tag.

-mod rain

{{PART 1/3}} I am aro heterosexual and I rarely, if ever, get romantically or emotionally attracted to the opposite sex (though I know I am not incapable of such attraction, it only happens once in a blue moon, is all) and I've accepted that part of me through and through. I prefer platonic relationships over romantic ones but it doesn't mean I'd outright reject them. It's just what I'm comfortable with.

{{PART 2/4}} My only concern is because I am also heterosexual, most people I know or have opened up to about my romantic oreintation think it's "just a phase" or that I haven't "met the right person" and it's frustrating because every time someone asks me about my sexual orientation they assume "straight-emotionally-available" and when referring to me, people and my own friends say I'm straight just because I'm *physically* attracted to the opposite sex and hearing it just feels so empty.

{{PART 3/4}} I know most people aren't even aware of the aromantic spectrum anyway and I know I don't owe anyone an explanation but I'm just so fed up with people labeling me.

{{PART 4/4}} This probably turned out more of a personal rant than a question but any advice or comment would help. I just have no one else to talk to about this who would understand.

alright, so while I may not completely understand (I’m aro gray-ace, myself, so people tend to do the opposite - take “aro” to mean I’m ace too, and it ends up working out for me), I guess my best thing to do is to give your reassurance that your orientation is your own.

It sounds like the aromantic part of your identity is just as important (if not moreso) to you than the heterosexual part - have you tried directly asking your friends to call you aro instead, maybe? Maybe if you directly point it out how them doing this feels like an incorrect label, they’ll stop. I know the feeling of calling yourself (or having yourself called) something and having it be either wrong entirely, or in the right direction but not be the whole story. Neither are fun, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.

Maybe you could let people know you’re not interested in a romantic relationship off the bat, or you’d prefer it, at least? Explain the situation in vaguer terms if you don’t want to have to explain being aro/go through the motions involved in that, but clarify and get it out of the way that you’re not interested in that sort of relationship.

Your orientation isn’t a phase, and you don’t need to find the right person, I can assure you that much. Anyone who tells you that much is wrong.

I’m worried this wasn’t of much help, so I hope it was!

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

Hi, i just started to make a masterlist for movies with no or very little romance in it. (its on my blog) feel free to suggest movies or to publish this for your followers so we can keep expanding the list :) x thanks in advance!

!!!! i don’t have any off the top of my head (i’m not a big movie watcher), but i’ll post this here !!!

- Mod Zazie

#stephaniebrovn

I'm aro bisexual and I have a really nice Thing w this awesome girl I met on tinder. It started over the summer &we hung out a bunch of times doing semi-date-like things and also making out. I REALLY like her in sorta a mixture of platonic and physical attraction. We haven't talked abt our relationship & I don't want to be that "what are we" person but I also don't want to hurt her if she thinks we're going in a romantic direction when we're not (1/2)

But I’m also terrified that if I tell her I’m aro she won’t want to see me anymore which would be kind of crushing. I’m just so afraid that any time I get a good thing like this it’ll dissolve as soon as I drop the “I will never fall in love with you” bomb. (2/2)

hmm… if you’re scared to tell her you’re aro; i wouldn’t force yourself to do so. i don’t have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, so other perspectives would be nice, but i would suggest that you clarify you don’t feel romantically towards her; but maybe in a way without mentioning your orientation?

it’s best to stay up front about a relationship and what sort it’s supposed to be; but that doesn’t mean you have to come out to someone you’re not ready to/comfortable to yet!

however, if you don’t wanna approach the topic at all; you could also wait until she does something that you think could indicate she thinks it’s going to be romantic? right now it sounds like you’re not certain if she does or not; so you could also wait until you have more reason to believe she does?

it’s up to you! my overall advice is you do whatever makes you most comfortable.

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

Hi! quick question, what's the dividing line between friendship and romance? is it kissing? because I have a friend that I'm really close to, but I can't figure out if my feelings are romantic or solely platonic. thank you!

the problem is that there is no clear dividing line. kissing and all other physical act’s aren’t inherently platonic or romantic. It completely depends on the people doing those things. If you’re thinking about telling them you could say that you don’t know and if they’re up to it you could figure out what you’re comfortable with together. Also, it might be that your feelings are somewhere in-between. that’s totally normal. most of all, don’t be afraid to imagine yourself in different situations with that person to see how it might feel. that could be kissing them, or telling each other that you’re datefriends, or anything else.

-mod rain

#Anonymous

hi, i'm sorry if this is the wrong place to ask but i've lately been questioning my romantic 'orientation' as it were because i kind of like being in relationships in the short term but have no capacity to feel romantic love. does this make me aromantic?

it depends? that definitely sounds aromantic spectrum to me. when i identified as gray-aro; one of the defining parts of that was that i experienced romantic attraction, but not romantic love.

it’s really up to you to find a label that fits. it doesn’t make you aromantic, but it certainly sounds like you could be aromantic spectrum. i’d suggest thinking about your romantic attraction as well, and looking at what labels seem to feel/fit right!

- mod zazie

#Anonymous

What's the difference between alloflux and grayromantic? And are they both on the aromantic scale?

Oh no! I meant aroflux I think (idk how asks work but I asked what the difference between alloflux is and grayromantic is) sorry!!

aroflux alternates between romantic orientations, often sliding between aromantic and alloromantic! gray-aromantic encompasses anything between aromantic and alloromantic / any type of aromantic identity that isn’t 100% lacking in romantic attraction, but can also be used as an identifier on its own. it varies person to person!

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

sporeblossom

psa: it’s rude to call aromantic heterosexuals and heteroromantic asexuals “straight”. it’s labeling people without their consent and it completely erases either their romantic or sexual orientation. also i personally associate that word with a society that has given me too many traumatic experiences and tons of self-hate, and i imagine that plenty of aromantics and asexuals feel the same way.

i'm bisexual and also identify as aromantic, but, like that possibly straight & aro anon, i find myself more emotionally attracted to girls and physically attracted to guys. it doesn't feel like /romantic/ attraction to me, though, and i'm still pretty squeamish when it comes to mushy love stuff. so i still consider myself aro; i just say that when it comes to dating, i have a preference for girls. not sure if this makes sense or if it's the case for anon, but that's how it is for me.

oh, yeah, definitely! i just figured that wasn’t the case for anon because they specifically said romantic attraction and not emotional attraction.

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

i dont kno how to phrase this but. i think im aromantic but im ok with sex with boys if that makes sense. i would consider myself straight and aromantic is that possible? also i figured this out a while ago but i didnt think there was a word for it i dont want to be too abnormal so i ignore it but im probably romantically attracted to females only. and only physically attracted to males. but i still consider myself straight and aromantic. based off this info what do you think? p.s i am female.

same anon again i thought of another question is it possible to have my sexuality change? because im pretty positive i used to be romantically attracted to males and now i know for a fact im not. the change was about 3yrs ago. im only realizing it recently though. nothing happened significantly no trauma i wasnt broken up with or anything. i just got older. (ive had squishes as long as i can remember tho) also pretty sure ive always been romantically attracted to girls. what am i? please help ty

okay! so, your romantic orientation and sexual orientation do not have to add up. in fact, someone recently coined terms to indicate matching romantic+sexual orientations or non-matching romantic+sexual orientations, but I can’t find it right now.

it is totally possible to be aromantic and straight! however, it sounds like that’s not the case for you? i can’t tell you what to identify as or not, but to me, you sound most like a homoromantic heterosexual.

however, i’m not sure why you ID’d yourself as aromantic, and whether or not someone is aro spectrum can vary a lot person to person for various different reasons, and result in different terminology being used (ie. gray-aromantic, demiromantic, quoiromantic). but right now you’ve mentioned romantic attraction pretty clearly. but that doesn’t mean you’re not, I just don’t know what you’re getting at.

(i’m not sure if this was your intention, but since the one thing here typically brought up in aro discussions is squishes, just so you know - squishes / platonic relationships are not exclusive to aromantic people! they seem to be brought up the most by aro ppl/in aro discussions but they’re not inherently connected)

so if you wanted a full answer from me, I would kind of have to know why you considered yourself aromantic, because then I could give you a better answer. c:

your sexuality can definitely change over time! it’s not inherently static. a lot of people have mentioned before how their orientations have changed over time.

I can give you suggestions/what you sound like to me, but I can’t tell you what your orientation is. How you label yourself is up to you!

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

1/2 Hello hello, same anon from earlier about the difference between platonic/romantic attraction! So, I was wondering if I fall on the aro scale if my crushes are things more like "I can see myself dating you, and I'd like to do cute stuff with you

2/2 (I've had this for both one guy and one girl) but I don't really feel any different about you except that I really want to know you more?" Would that be considered a squish, a crush, or something else? Please help :)

oh, sure thing! well, to me that sounds like a squish, like you might want to be in a platonic relationship/friendship kinda dating situation with them? the “know you more” especially sounds squish “i want to be besties” feeling type of thing to me, because you say you don’t feel much different than you do with other people, just different wants of what to do.

but i can’t really tell you for certain, because i can’t feel your emotions. but yeah, i would probably suggest squish as the term for it? if you’re not sure keep an eye out and see if you notice any other differences from the norm for it

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

Hello hello, do you by any chance know the difference between Platonic and romantic attraction? If so, can you let me know please? :)

sure! i can give the basic definition

platonic attraction means you’re attracted to someone in a friendship kind of way - you want to be their friend and likely do things that u perceive as Friendship Activities with them

romantic attraction means you’re attracted to someone in a romantic kind of way, so you want to be romantically involved + probably do things u consider romantic ?

what activities/gestures are romantic vs platonic varies person to person, which is why im including “perceive” and “consider”

#Anonymous

(pt.I) So I've been going by biromantic + demisexual since october/november, but within the past week, I've discovered that I'm quoiromantic + ace, and now I'm REALLY struggling to find a way to come out to my mum now (since she's open to pretty much

(Pt.II) except for the one that I turn out to be - I had a convo [the legit day BEFORE I figured myself out] and the fact of me possibly not wanting a relationship got her slightly frustrated since humans apparently need this sexual connection (Pt.III) and not having isn't good for you) so not only is ace frustrating enough for ME, but quoiromantic too is going to be confusing. I know she loves me with all her heart, but I'm afraid that she won't understand. Any ideas on how to explain it?(Pt.IV - the anon w the outing to mother issue) I'm fifteen too, so I'm afraid that she'll pull out the "too young for sex, too young to know" thing too

hey, so we actually have very similar situations here. i came out to my parents as pansexual a couple of years ago (panro assumed along with it), and things went really well... but since figuring out im actually aro ace, i’ve had a lot of difficulty working up the courage to tell them.

that being said, i don’t have a foolproof answer, because i’d feel kinda hypocritical telling you what to do when i haven’t done it myself yet.

my main advice would be to approach the topic separate from yourself - try to get her to understand that not everyone needs or wants that kind of relationship. if you start getting more positive feedback from her on that end, then you might be able to encourage yourself to come out, and youd be able to tell the results would most likely be positive.

that’s really all i can give right now... warm her up instead of immediately explaining the relation towards you. if any followers or the other mods have other advice, please feel free to add!

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

my partner and i have been slowly figuring ourselves out lately, weve been dating for a few years now but are coming to terms with well, terms that fit us. recently my partner discovered that shes aromantic and not interested in anything romance. the problem is that i love romance and need it and basically wheneber she says stuff like 'i hate romance' i hear 'i hate you, i dont want to be with you'. what do we do? idk where to turn and we dont want to break up but we are at a loss

if your partner hates romance, it’s probably best that you don’t maintain a romantic relationship? if you don’t want to break up, you should instead alter the relationship so you both are comfortable. what are things you both like about your relationship? find those and focus on it and maintain those parts of your relationship.

if you love and/or need it, i would recommend talking to her about maybe having an open relationship? if she hates that part of your relationship and no longer wants to pursue it, there’s nothing wrong in asking if you can find it in other ways/people. the important thing is that neither of you are denied something you want or forced into something you don’t. that doesn’t need to undermine your relationship with her!

my main suggestion would be don’t end the relationship but change what it is so that you’re both comfortable.

- mod Zazie

#Anonymous

I don't (think I) want/like romantic relationships, but sometimes when I see my friend with her boyfriend I can't help but think what it would be like if I had a bf/gf. And I get curious and conflicted because I feel uncomfortable when I put myself in that position, but still the thought lingers. Idk if I'm looking for a queerplatonic thing or a squish.I know this is kinda vague, but any opinions? cause I'm pretty confused by all this. thanks !

hmm... well, it sounds like you might want a relationship, but not a romantic one? so I would play around with thinking about what other types of relationships you’d be interested in - is there anything in particular that you like about the idea of having a datefriend?

if there are certain aspects you like/want, there’s nothing wrong with trying it out. just make sure you’re clear with whatever partner you may have what you want/mean by your relationship, and make sure they know that you’re not certain you completely want to pursue one.

it’s also totally normal just to think/wonder about something without actually wanting to, especially in a society that tells you should have/want this thing.

so i would say your first step is trying to figure out whether you want to pursue a relationship (of whatever sort), and then see how things go from there.

- Mod Zazie

#Anonymous

I have this thing where I have a strong desire for queerplatonic relationships with some people, sort of like a I want to date them, but not romantically. Does this still count as aromantic?

that totally still counts

-mod rain

#Anonymous

I'm a 21 year old female and recently realized i'm ace. I'm note sure if i'm aro though. When i was a Child I used to have crushes. But I hadn't had one since I was 8 years old. And I'm not even sure if those crushes were really crushes or not. I remember that I used to daydream about them all the time and fantasizing about them (fantasizing about having a play date with them for example) Could these crushes just have been squishes? Could I still be aromantic?

so first of all, sometimes orientation is fluid. it can and does change over the course of our lives and that’s totally valid. so even if those things were crushes, that doesn’t invalidate your identity at all.

second of all, I don’t have any way of knowing if those were crushes or squishes. maybe it was something in-between. maybe if you felt what you were feeling then now you would react differently. it is definitely true that lots of aro people will make up or exaggerate feelings subconsciously so that they don’t feel weird or left out, especially when they’re younger. so that could have been what you were doing then.

-mod rain

#advice asks #Anonymous

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